Mine
by writingtoreachyou
Summary: Sequel to "Yours" - The future of the 1-6 is unclear. Rollins is in Atlanta, Amaro is in Florida, Stabler is in narcotics, Fin is in denial and Benson is wondering what happens after you get everything you ever wanted. With a ring on her finger and two young children to take care of the stakes are higher than ever before.
1. It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn

"It is not _fair_ Elliot."

"Not one single person ever said it was, Liv."

"Don't give me that crap. I can take it from everyone else. From the doctors and nurses, hell I can even stomach it from Fin if I have to…." lifting dark eyes to meet his Olivia murmured, "… but not from you."

"After a decade and a half in our job there should be no two people in the world better prepared to handle this kind of crap and yet I got nothing. I'm standing here watching our son give everything he's got just to keep air in his lungs and I have no clue how to help him. I trust my gut on _everything_ I do but right now it's knotted up so tight I…."

"I couldn't live with myself if I thought we let him live in a pain." Said Olivia, though it took away her own breath even to think it.

"But what if he can beat this? What if we're looking back a year from now remember how we stood right here, right now and made the choice to let him fight?"

"The doctors said….."

"I don't care." Interjected Elliot quickly, never having set much store by textbook diagnosis or the hypothetical projection of a human ability to challenge seemingly insurmountable odds. "I have _seen _how people prove them wrong every single day. We both have. We've talked to people in the same situation we're in right now and I'm sure as hell I never told a single one of them to just give up."

"It isn't giving up, El….." murmured Olivia with a lost, faraway expression on her face and so much pain in tired eyes, "….if it was it'd be easy."

"None of this has been easy. Not since you first fell pregnant with him."

"What if we're _taking_ the easy way out we just don't realise we're doing it?" she asked, taking him with her to the place her troubled mind had washed up. "What if we're trying to convince ourselves that we're letting him fight, that we're not giving up on him and that we're doing the right thing….."

"You think we should let him go?" asked Elliot, incredulous she could even entertain the notion.

"Don't think it doesn't make me sick to my stomach to even say the words out loud Elliot This is _every bit _as horrible for me as it is for you andit is _my fault_ that he's got born into this hell too soon but what if our job as his parents is to make the choice he can't make for himself?"

"This is not your fault Olivia." Though he knew no matter how many times he said it she would never allow it to permeate.

"I just don't know how long I can watch him struggle….." confessed Olivia, turning around and closing her eyes she leant her head back on the glass and breathed, "… I really don't."

"What the actual fuck?"

"Surprise?" said Fin with a wince as he stood in the doorway of Atlanta's sex crimes precinct with his ponytail, black jacket and that black eyed smile.

"Fin am I seeing things right now or?" the grip Amanda Rollins had on the coffee cup in her hand tightened as she stared, wide and incredulous at the sight of a familiar stranger in a new land. "What the hell are you doing all the way down here?"

"You could've called."

"No, no I couldn't." She replied with an adamant, unwavering stare from defensive eyes.

"You didn't even say goodbye."

"I know."

"What's up with that?" he asked, persistent in his belief that she ought not be allowed to just walk out. No one should be. He had done it all too many times and no good had ever come of its cowardice. Walking away without word nor warning had cut deeper than he cared to admit to himself, let alone her, but he wasn't about to let words go unspoken after everything that had happened to all of them in the few weeks prior.

"Fin there's something you should…."

"Forget it. I don't even care anymore. I wouldn't be here if I did. I just came to speak my mind and then I'm done. I'm good. What you wanna do with the information is your business."

"Information?" asked Rollins, cocking her head with a curious little smile.

"You're pretty much the most badass little blonde I've ever met….." declared Fin with a guttural, lilting smiled delivery that grew to an anticipatory grin as he crossed the empty squad room and grabbed at her tiny waist with bear like paws and dragged her into him, "….and I came all the way down here to do this."

"Fin!" came the muted squeal as Rollins attempted, for a couple of fleeting seconds, to spurn his advances. "Fin we shouldn't….." but there was nothing in her tone, the way her body inclined into his or the growing desire in her eyes that sang of anything other than a desire to surrender to his kiss.

"No, no this has to be us. This has to be a decision we both make. We have to be more together on this than anything we've ever done. We won't survive this otherwise. So you need to let me in Elliot. You need to put me in your head so I can figure out…."

"Where's your head at?" cut in Elliot, having been entirely somewhere else.

"This isn't you show me yours I'll show you mine, we're not high school kids this is serious." Vocally stamping her feet Olivia shot him a withering stare and shook her head with frustration.

"I don't need to figure anything out. I need you to put me in _your _head and tell me what you need to happen next. This _is_ me letting you in. We do what _you_ want. You won't survive this otherwise and I need _you_, Liv. That's what I need."

"El….." she wavered, knowing he meant every word he spoke with gruff edged trepidation.

"You risked your life to get him this far…." murmured Elliot, reaching across and stroking his thumb across her cheekbone, "… you jump, I jump."

"I want to hold him. I need to hold my boy."

"Okay."

"I know they said I can't. I hear them talking about sterile environments and infections and the risk involved but I don't care. He was doing _just fine _until they cut him out of me and I can't make this call while we're on opposite sides of a plastic box. They can bitch all they like but…."

"Liv?" asked Elliot softly, reaching across and wrapping his hand around her wrist.

"Yeah?" catching her breath she stared at him and waited patiently for the words behind eyes that loved her in a way she had never even dared to dream someone one day might.

"When are you gonna figure out that I'm on your side?" chuckling to himself Elliot suspected it would take a lot more than a ring on her left hand for Olivia Benson to realise she no longer had to be a lone wolf. Having spent her childhood and after that her entire adult life fighting her own corner and being the only one looking out for herself it was quite an adjustment to understand what personal, not just professional partnership could mean.

"You gonna quote Titanic on me again now Leo?" she mocked with a tired smile, remembering his earlier words.

"You don't have to go it alone anymore….." he affirmed, knowing in her heart of hearts the truth was she was afraid to allow herself to depend on him that much, "…. just try remember that, okay?"

"Okay." She answered simply.

"We can't ever take that back."

"Nope."

"You want to?"

"Maybe…." sighed Rollins with a light tremble in her voice as she rolled onto her side and met Fin's eyes, her face warming to a grinning smile, "….nope."

"What's going on here?" asked Fin, fishing his hand out from under the duvet and ruffling Amanda's wispy blonde bed hair over her face with a smirk.

"You come all the way down here on an interstate booty call and then you bitch about my hair?" landing a light, ineffectual punch against his shoulder Amanda rolled her eyes.

"Hey, hey this ain't no booty call…." protested Fin, shaking his head against the pillow with gentle, chocolate bedroom eyes pouring over her.

"You're in my bed, detective….." murmured Rollins, swirling her fingers across the swarthy rug of dark hair on Fin's chest, "… what else would it be?"

"I dunno…." said Fin with a refreshingly honest shrug, as he reached to his chest and wrapped his paw like palm around her dainty fingers, "….but not that."

"Fin you gotta go home."

"No I don't." He protested without pausing for breath nor opportunity for doubt.

"Yeah, yeah you do…." she whispered regretfully, leaning forward and pressing her lips against his. As his mouth fell open she closed her eyes and allowed their tongues to dance around the words she couldn't say.

"I don't wanna go home." He said, breathless, as they prized their bodies apart a while later.

"You and Munch are about all Cragen has left right now and he's counting on you. And what about Liv? What about those kid of hers that you're so damn crazy about? They need you in New York."

"Come back with me." It wasn't a question, he couldn't afford for it to be. That would give her the option to refuse and he wouldn't entertain the possibility, so instead he made it almost an order.

"I can't….." and then seeing he needed more, and knowing he deserved it Rollins sighed heavily and confessed, "….you cut me off earlier before I got a chance to tell you that I'm here for another 4 months at least. My captain squared it away with Cragen this morning."

"Cragen _is_ your Captain." Said Fin with a flat refusal to accept what she was saying.

"Not right now he isn't….." said Amanda quietly, though she had to admit it felt alien to her as a concept and sat uncomfortably on her loyal conscience, "… not for the next few months."

"This is messed up."

"Fin I….." but he turned away, rolling himself upright and reaching to pull on his t-shirt, "…. wait, no, don't be like that. Don't do this."

"I should get going."

"What did you expect?" she asked, sitting up and tugging the sheet around her modesty as she stared at him with a demanding expectancy in her expression. "What did you think would happen when you just showed up here Fin?"

"You gotta get out of the boat, Peach."

"What?" she asked, entirely thrown.

"I didn't expect anything. I didn't think anything would happen. I didn't think at all. I just bought a ticket and got on a plane."

"That's all great but life doesn't always…."

"You can't just sit in the damn dinghy waiting for someone to come save your sorry ass. You'll freeze to death before they even figure out you're gone. You gotta figure out your own shit. You gotta get out of the boat."

"I owe my captain down here and I have to work this case for him. I have to. I can't come back with you Fin. I'm sorry."

"Yeah….." he sighed, buckling his belt and sighing heavily as he leant down and kissed her with a lingering goodbye, "… yeah me too."

"Sometimes I wonder….." murmured Olivia, clutching a bundle of painfully tiny little arms and legs against her aching chest and rocking Sam lightly, "….what if she lied?"

"Who, babe?" replied Elliot, equally softly as he leant forward in his chair. Bracing his elbows against his knees his hand was outstretched, stroking the knuckle of his index finger ever so lightly against Sam's little purple pink leg.

"What if she made it up….." she swallowed slowly, barely able to believe she was saying the words out loud to him let alone in the presence of her son, "… what if it wasn't rape."

"Liv you were your mom's whole life and she would never have…."

"You know when I look at him all I see is you. The same with Evie. Not just because she has your eyes and he's got your jaw…."

"He _has _got my jaw." Elliot couldn't help himself but add with an almost unbearable swell of pride.

"Even though you're a pain in my ass and you can be a real son of a bitch at times our kids exist because you loved me….." there was nothing more beautiful or poignant than the pain behind Olivia's tragic history, "…. I don't know that I could've loved them if…."

"Of course you could, of _course_ you would…." sighing heavily Elliot slid off his chair, kneeling beside her and pressing his face into her shoulder, "… they'd still be every bit as incredible because they'd still be yours. Don't do this to yourself, not now, not when you're already out of your mind with…."

"I can't let him go, El."

"He's not getting any better." Said Elliot, not because he disagreed but because he trusted that they were strong enough for him to play the counter argument. Where earlier they had held reversed positions and tested the strength of their sails now it was Elliot's turn to say the unthinkable. "He's not gaining weight. He can't breathe on his own. His heart and his lungs are…."

"Everything about how he came into this world was violent and scary and cruel and it would be so easy to just end this now. To say that it wasn't meant to be. That it's too hard, it's too painful, that the price is too high to pay but…."

"Your mom paid it for you." Murmured Elliot, his lips warm on her skin as he kissed her shoulder through the thin material of her cornflower blue hospital gown.

"Whatever happened to her in the past she knew my future would never be easy. She knew _just_ how hard I would have to fight but she trusted that I was strong enough to survive it…." closing her eyes and allowing silent, loaded tears to slip hot down her cheeks Olivia flashed her son a smile and rocked him ever so gently, "….and we have to trust him. We have to trust that our boy is strong enough to survive this."

"You know your mom had a lot of faults and I have no clue whether all of what she told you is true or not. She made a lot of mistakes, she got a lot of things wrong and I don't love the hell she put you through as a kid but as far as I'm concerned none of that matters ….." tasting salt as he pressed a kiss against her cheek Elliot moved slightly lower and caught her lips on his, murmuring "….not when I'm looking at the one thing she got right."

"I wanna go home."

"What was that, babe?" he murmured exhaustedly, barely catching the words as they escaped her. "What'd you need?" brushing the hair from her neck Elliot leant forward and pressed a kiss against her collar bone, "What'd you need?"

"I wanna be here with him. All the time, every second, I do. I just can't stay here another night or I'll lose my mind. I want to sleep in my own bed with you and Evie….."

"Okay there isn't a chance I'm letting Mouse and her wriggly little butt in your bed until you're….."

"Take me home, El?" she entreated, turning her head and allowing it to fall slightly to the side as she gave him her whole self and whispered, "Please, please take me home?"

"You got it…." he nodded, leaning against her chair but careful not to nudge Sam, "….sit tight here with him and I'll grab your bag and tell them we're shipping out."


	2. I Am The Mess You Chose

"How you doing over there?"

"I can't stop thinking about Sam." Confessed Olivia, lying back on the sofa with her feet kicked up on Elliot's lap as he rubbed them.

"I know."

"You too, huh?" sighed Olivia, reaching up a hand and pinching at the bridge her nose with a heavy sigh. "I was just so desperate to get home. I didn't realise how far away from him I'd feel when I got here."

"He's in safe hands. We'll go see him first thing tomorrow and in the meantime I guess the best thing we can do to help is get a good night's sleep. I've got to swing by the precinct and find out what my new captain wanted earlier."

"You never returned his call?" asked Olivia, though she needn't have asked since Elliot hadn't left her side since she had returned from the hospital that morning.

"I'm not sure I'm gonna like what he has to say….." muttered Elliot, with muted anger at his frustrated inability to combine work with caring for his family, "… so I guess you could say I'm avoiding having him say it."

"I think we're both avoiding saying a lot of things." Said Olivia with a quiet sigh, leaning her temple against the sofa cushion and closing her eyes. "I have no idea how we even start to wade our way through the hundred feet of crap on top of us right now."

"We'll figure it out." Said Elliot, not because he had any better idea of how but because there was no other option but for it to be thus.

"We're gonna get our asses fired if we don't figure it out soon."

"I'll go back to work….." he would provide, protect, defend, support with his dying breath because that was what Elliot Stabler did for those he loved most, "… but not before you're back on your feet."

"I don't need babysitting, El…." she protested, with little real effort to inject conviction into her voice as she swirled loving fingertips across his thigh.

"Evie ouchy..." came a small, yawning gurgle through the gloaming as sleep suit covered feet padded into the living room.

"Hey what are you doing up Mouse?" asked Elliot with a warm smile as his daughter toted her well snuggled bunny toy in one hand and sucked her opposite thumb while rubbing a ratty piece of material against her nose.

"What _is_ that she's got?" asked Olivia, shuffling herself up with her elbows and leaning forward slightly to get a better look. "Is that your t-shirt?"

"Kath said she wouldn't let it out of her sight the whole time you were in the hospital. She tried to wash it one day and Mouse lost her little mind…" holding his hands outstretched and bending and flexing his fingers in encouraging star shapes for Eve to come to him Elliot chuckled lovingly, "….smarty pants must've figured out it wouldn't smell of her mama anymore if she did."

"My tummy….." said Eve, the words lisped and slurring as she refused to remove her thumb to speak them, "….is sad."

"You're tummy's sad?" asked Elliot, grabbing Eve as soon as she was close enough and hoisting her up onto his lap. "Shall I rub it better for you? Shall we make it all better, huh?"

"No." Said Eve, hesitantly, almost as though she were aware of the nuances of emotion and feared offending him by admitting what she truly wanted. Her little eyes adored her father. He was the rock on which her whole world was built and she knew, without shadow of doubt, that he was the reason grass was green and the clouds stayed up in the sky. But it wasn't him she needed right at that moment.

"No?" pulling a face Elliot didn't understand her obvious disquiet until Eve twisted her body around and leaned as far out of his arms as gravity would allow without falling. Stretching her fingers as far out as they would go her blue eyes poured over Olivia and shamelessly adored her.

"Mama….."

"You gotta be careful Mouse, baby, you need to be gentle with…." but hell fire and the gods themselves could not have prevented a wilful, head and heart strong little girl from getting to her mother and Elliot knew it, "….okay, okay, here we go. Here's your mom."

"You wanna come snuggle with me, baby girl?" cooed Olivia softly, moving over slightly and making a space for Eve to nestle in beside her without sitting on her still fragile midsection. "Come on then, come here…." not content with just sitting beside her mother Eve twisted around and clambered to her feet, draping her arms around Olivia's neck and hugging herself so tight into her chest she could feel her heart beating and knew all was right with the world, "… where does your tummy hurt, baby?"

"Tummy?" gurgled Eve behind her thumb, burying her face in the warmth of Olivia's neck and closing dozy eyes having forgotten entirely her earlier complaint. She no longer had that uncomfortable knot of unease in her belly.

"I love you Evie Grace….." whispered Olivia, pressing kisses against Eve's hair and breathing in her scent, "… you funny little thing."

"Mama." Replied Eve, saying really all that there was to say as far as she was concerned. All that mattered. Her mother was home. Where Elliot may have been her strength there was little doubt that Olivia was her heart.

"Right, that's it, bed for both of you….." declared Elliot, rising from the sofa and prizing Eve from Olivia's chest.

"NO! No! Mama!" came the squawk of panic that had him instantly regretting not having been more clear of his attentions.

"Shhh, baby it's okay, she's coming too….." pinning her to his chest with one strong forearm Elliot bent at the knee and slid his right arm around Olivia's waist and gave her an instructive nod, "….see? It's okay, see, we're bring her with us."

"You make me sound like a lunchbox." Twisting her mouth Olivia flashed him a wry smile.

"Shut up and lean on me." Chuckled Elliot in reply.

"You know she's absolutely terrified I'm gonna disappear on her again." Murmured Olivia with profound regret and the realisation that she was not the only one on whom the recent weeks had left scars.

"She's not the only one….." replied Elliot softly, squeezing her gently as he walked his girls toward the master bedroom.

"You're bring her in with us tonight?" asked Olivia, surprised at his seeming willingness to relent on his earlier insistency she was too fragile to have Eve as a bedfellow. "I thought I was quarantined?"

"She needs to know her mom isn't going anywhere….." replied Elliot succinctly as he plopped Eve down in the middle of the bed and then turned his attention to helping Olivia perch on the mattress edge, "….lift your feet up?"

"I don't need you to undress me."

"You know this would be a lot easier if you didn't fight my help every step of the way….." warned Elliot with a weary shake of his head as he tugged at the stretchy material of Olivia's sweatpants and dragged them down over her feet, "….arms?"

"I think I'm just gonna keep this on." She said of the soft navy shirt hiding a bruised and battered torso and the least confidence she could ever remember having in her own appearance.

"Liv….."

"Don't, El….." she sighed, her eyes imploring him not to even go there, "….please?"

"I'm your fiancé for God's sake….." he murmured softly, reaching out and running his fingers along her tensed jaw.

"Shut up and get in here." She stated boldly, with a turn of phrase that had almost become their fondly chastising catchphrase. Dragging back the duvet and tucking herself under the covers with a now almost sleeping Eve she lay back and heaved a long, slow sigh of relief. Finally she was home, safe in her own bed again.

"I don't want you to feel like you ever have to hide a thing from me….." said Elliot, as she realised that despite minutes having passed her earlier coy was evidently still weighing on his mind, "….even the not so fun stuff."

"It's not about _having_ to. It's about wanting to. Or rather _not_ wanting you to see me looking like hell…"

"Liv…."

"Elliot I'm serious. I could not feel uglier right now and I know you're gonna try persuade me different but just hear me saying I feel like crap, I feel like I _look_ like crap and….." hearing herself talking and hating the words coming out of her mouth Olivia closed her eyes in revulsion and groaned softly, "….look just forget I said anything."

"Like I told you after Mouse was born you have no idea how I will never stop being attracted to you in every possible way….." whispered Elliot, so close into her neck she could feel his breath hot on her skin as he moved his lips up and caught a kiss, "….but you keep your shirt on as long as you want."

"Don't patronise me."

"Okay I'm just gonna stop talking now." Said Elliot, closing his eyes exhaustedly and climbing into bed to lie as still as possible in his own column of space. Years of experience had taught him that in that situation silence and walking the very thin line between supportive and suffocating was his safest option.

"Hey El…." came a soft voice through the twilight fifteen or so minutes later, when Eve's sleepy breathing and the gentle hum of the city was all the noise to be heard.

"Hi…." allowing his head to fall to the side and opening his eyes to find her gentle coffee gaze on him Elliot smiled, "….what's going on?"

"I'm not the easiest person to put up with right now am I?" asked Olivia, radiant even in her state of bare faced enervation.

"I think I'm gonna choose not to answer that one…." grinned Elliot as her warm hand slid under the duvet and ran down his chest lovingly.

"In case I bite your head off again you mean?" she smiled, stroking at his collar bone with her fingertips. "I'm sorry for being such a bitch."

"After what you've been through these last few weeks?" dismissed Elliot with a shrug of his shoulders. Then as he reached to lay his hand on hers his brow furrowed to find the ring finger of her left hand bare, "Hey, what's going on here?"

"They kept making me take it off in the hospital….." she murmured in explanation, their eyes loving each other and never losing their locked gaze, "… I put it on my necklace so I wouldn't lose it."

"Huh." Said Elliot, fishing his hands out from under the duvet and reaching forward slowly to hoist the chain from inside the high neck of her t-shirt. As the metal tickled her skin when he moved it Olivia swallowed hard, never once stealing her eyes from his as her pulse quickened and her blood ran hot. "What?"

"Nothing…." she whispered, feeling Eve move in her sleep from her snuggled place in the nook of her right arm.

"I didn't even say anything this time so….." began Elliot, treading on the egg shells he knew were his cross to bear for as long as it took her to feel human again. They were the price he paid for the little girl in her arms and the tiny little boy fighting for his life across the city. They were the price he paid for the brown eyes he could so completely fall into and the smile that set his heart alight.

"I won't break you know….." she said, entirely contradicting her earlier words and actions that sang of a desire to be left well alone, "… you can come a little closer."

"I can?" he asked, tentatively wriggling himself across the mattress and closing the gap he had carefully left between his body and her fragile battle ground. "Like this?"

"Don't be an ass."

"Oh I see…." he grinned, risking a flame near the powder keg of her post-partum hormones and sliding in close beside her, "…you mean like _this _or?"

"You're an idiot."

"And you're a hot mess….." he replied boldly, hearing the egg shells crack and trusting in the tiny mouth twist of a smile she surrendered, "….we both are. Somehow though I really couldn't give a crap."

"It hurts, Elliot."

"I know."

"I'm not okay….." she whispered, almost as though it were a dirty secret she couldn't bear anyone else in the world to hear but him, "… does that scare you? Does that make you wish you….."

"Liv?" he interrupted, slipping his hand into hers and pressing a lingering kiss against her warm cheek.

"If you _were_ okay? If you were lying here telling me you were doing great? _That_ would scare the crap out of me."

"Humph." She managed quietly.

"You've been through hell and it's not over yet. You're not supposed to be okay. Neither of us are and I'm gonna get angry and hit things and you're gonna lock yourself up in your head and try to blame yourself for everything but that's life. That's just how it is."

"El?"

"Yeah?"

"It's not that I'm calling you a liar because I heard what you said before. It's not that I don't believe you it's just….."

"What are you talking about?" he asked with a curious expression.

"This shirt is stuck to my gross stitches and I have to pee so bad but I'm so freaking tired and….." refusing to meet his eyes she confessed at a barely audible whisper, "….and I'm scared that if I let you be my nursemaid we'll never have sex again."

"Olivia?" he said with a flat, unequivocal statement of absolute fact, "….trust me when I say you do _not_ have to add that to your list of things to worry about."

"No?" she tested, as he moved her arms out from under Eve and dragged her gently upright like a rag doll.

"I swear to God the second I think you won't knee me in the balls for so much as thinking about touching you…." effortlessly hoisting her from the bed and being pleasantly surprised by how willing she was to let him carry her without protest to the bathroom Elliot leaned into her ear and whispered grinningly, "... I will _make_ you believe me."


	3. Come Back To What You Know

"It's your little brother, baby…" said Olivia softly, cradling Sam tenderly against her chest with one hand and reaching out the other palm upturned toward her daughter, "… you gonna come say hi?"

"No."

"No?" patiently tilting her head and keeping her body language and tone calm and relaxed Olivia smiled. "Okay, that's fine. You don't have to, sweetheart."

"Where's-a Daddy?" backing her feet up until she was leant against the closed NICU door in her tiny, custom made sterile gown Eve looked around uneasily. "Where'smy Daddy?"

"He'll be right back sweetie but I'm here. I'm right here….." then, narrowing her eyes and reading that which was written all over her daughter's pinched little expression Olivia asked, "… are you scared, Evie? Is that why you don't wanna come over here?"

"Issa baby?" she could have been forgiven her uncertainty, being as though her brother looked nothing like any one of her baby dolls or indeed any baby she had ever witnessed in her short life. He was too small, too funny coloured, his tiny limbs were wrinkled and a long way from her chubby, peachy pink fingers and toes.

"Evie….." said Olivia with a firm entreat, holding out her hand again and forcing the anxious little girl to meet her eyes, "…. come stand by me, okay? Can you be a big girl and come stand by your mom?"

"No."

"Evie…" with a softer tone and gentle gaze Olivia waited a moment without saying another word as Eve peeled herself off the door and wandered, scuffing her feet, across the room.

"Toes….." noted the toddler, wrapping her chubby hand over so gently around the pads of her brother's impossibly tiny toes.

"How many toes does he have, baby? Can you count them?" whispered Olivia, her eyes glistening with emotion at the first few precious moments of connection between her two children.

"One, two, tree….." inhaling slowly and searching her overwhelmed little mind Eve stared up saucer eyed at Olivia and smiled, "…. six, ate!"

"What you counting there Mini Mouse?" asked Elliot, rubbing sanitizer gel into hands he had already washed twice in the sink outside. Taking a seat beside Olivia he unconsciously brought his hand to rest on her knee and leant over to speak with his daughter.

"Issa bay-bee…." declared Eve with a visible sense of pride as she lightly poked at Sam's thigh with an extended index finger, "… he is toes."

"Oh you were counting his toes were you clever girl?"

"Anything?" asked Olivia, with the two of them having taken a divide and conquer approach to the visit that day. Where they would ordinarily have both met with Sam's doctors today she had opted to stay with Eve and consequently now hung off of Elliot's every facial muscle movement for signs of bad news.

"He hit 5lbs 10 this morning….." unable to withhold his grin a moment longer Elliot leant over and pressed a kiss against Olivia's smiling mouth, "….a little bit stronger and they'll try him without the ventilator."

"God I feel like I was holding my breath the whole time you were out there."

"I feel like I've been holding my breath for weeks….." confessed Elliot, watching Eve drawing fingertip pictures on Sam's little legs, "…. but even though it's tempting fate I think we might have turned a corner. All four of us."

* * *

"Nah man it's just the boys."

"Alejandro too?"

"I really like the guy."

"You just don't want to spend the whole weekend in a yurt with him?" smirked Munch, drawing a pencil out from behind his ear and scribbling the last few numbers into his Sudoku puzzle.

"It's about time Ken and I spent some quality time together. Everything since the wedding has been insane and I don't ever wanna turn around again and realise I don't know my boy anymore."

"You know I spent a long time talking to Cragen last night….." changing course slightly Munch confided in the only person he completely felt he could, "….and this precinct is going to hell in a hand basket."

"John…."

"It's all slipping through his fingers like sand and there isn't a damn thing he can do about it Fin. He's getting it from above, from below. Cases are getting dropped, perps are walking free and victims are losing the faith….." shaking his head sadly Munch lowered his eyes and sighed, "… and I can't blame them."

"You losing the faith too?" said Fin, though the answer was written all over his friends' face. "Because…."

"I just don't even know what I'm doing here anymore. I don't know what any of us are doing here anymore. I used to feel like this was all going somewhere. That we were making some small difference. In the great scheme of things it was inconsequential. The dent we were making was nothing compared to the bigger picture but we were making it anyway. We were all on board with wind in the sail and there was a point to it all."

"When the hell did you start giving up on us all John?" asked Fin, realising he was perhaps hurt more than anything. "If you tell me you're hanging up your gun I won't ever talk to you again you realise that?"

"You'd seriously disown me if I retired from SVU?" asked Munch, just curious. "Actually wait, don't answer that. I don't think I want to know while you're this wrong way out. No, no I'm not retiring. I'm doing what Cragen is in no fit state to."

"This sounds like fighting talk if ever I heard it." Muttered Fin, ever more drawn into whatever it is that Munch had been scheming in his quiet, brooding way.

"Amaro is too good to quit now. It's no good for his grief, his daughter or his sanity. We get him back."

"You don't have to sell me on that one."

"Atlanta get Rollins till the end of the month. After that they don't call the shots anymore and I don't know what crazy debt she had to repay that they could persuade Cragen they ever could."

"Rollins back in New York….." in a surprisingly impressive show of nonchalance Fin stilled his racing pulse and shrugged, "….sure, sure I can buy into that."

"Okay here's your part in all of this….."

"Why do I get the feeling I'm not gonna like this?" muttered Fin with a sceptical face.

"Benson and Stabler….." stated Munch, holding a pragmatic pause before continuing, "… ideally we have both of them, we could settle for one or the other, but somehow we ended up with neither and I don't know how."

"They'd never sign Liv off as fit for duty right now even if Sam wasn't still critical."

"She still want to move up the ranks now Cragen has turned a corner with the chemo?" asked Munch, pondering their long term game plan. "If she does then we'd be better off persuading Stabler to stick in narcotics and just work on getting her back here."

"If not?"

"Elliot can come back…." shrugged Munch, stating that which Fin realised probably ought to have been obvious, "… if Liv isn't working SVU then there's no conflict."

"You want me to talk to her?" was already a given, but Fin asked it anyway.

"I'll work on Rollins and Amaro…" nodded Munch decisively, "….. you take Benson and Stabler."

* * *

"For fuck's sake!" yelled Elliot loudly, as the bottom of one of the brown paper grocery bags in his arms gave out and its contents clattered loudly to the floor in a dramatic explosion of canned goods and produce.

"Elliot?" asked Olivia, brushing a curtain of hair from her face as she popped her head up from the sofa and blinked herself awake from a dozing nap. "What the….."

"They make these bags so cheap now I don't know how they expect them to hold a damn thing." Came the disgruntled mumble as Elliot bent down to retrieve the scattered groceries littered across the kitchen floor.

"Here I'll get this….." offered Olivia, drawing her cardigan closed around her waist and kneeling down to help.

"No, no you don't bend down right now….." he protested, fishing a can of tuna from her hands and fighting her for a bag of potatoes, "….hey, no, come on Liv you shouldn't be on your hands and knees get up…."

"El I'm fine just let me…. "

"Do you _ever_ listen to a _damn _thing I say?"

"Woah!" she yelped mutedly, burned by his biting tongue. "Where the hell did that come from?"

"Forget it…."

"No, no if you have something to say then why don't you go ahead and….."

"I don't have anything to say!" yelled Elliot, on his feet now as he landed his right first in the belly of the refrigerator door and then held it wincingly.

"Elliot!" cried Olivia, now every bit as frustrated and irate as he was despite her underlying concern.

"I'm gonna take a shower…."

"Okay, okay fine….." sitting back on her feet Olivia rolled her eyes, rubbed her forehead and murmured, "… you do that."

* * *

"Thank God for you."

Said Elliot as he emerged from the shower wearing only a white towel and a tired smile of profound relief and gratitude that no matter how bad his day might have been he could come home to Olivia. There she was, despite even in all her beauty looking like perfect hell, sitting on the couch with two TV dinners and a case of beer waiting for him.

"I bought emergency beer….." she smiled wryly, "….because honestly we can't afford for you to keep beating the crap out of my apartment."

"Get over here."

"Did you miss the part where I nearly bled to death giving birth to….."

"Get over here….." trusting she was absolutely able to cross the room Elliot leant against the bathroom doorframe, shower water still glistening across his muscled chest and waited impatiently, "… a little closer."

"You know that linguine didn't taste good fresh out the microwave so the longer you leave it…."

"Liv….." sliding one hand to the nape of her neck Elliot moved the other to the small of her back and pulled her into him, "….shush."

"Shush?" arching an unimpressed eyebrow she was about to speak again when he crushed his mouth onto hers and kissed her with such fervent hunger she could barely maintain a regular breathing pattern much less organise her light headed mind to form words. As her body melted into his she felt a rising need press teasingly against her from behind the towel Elliot was barely wearing and her skin flushed hot as his tongue danced rings around hers.

"El…." came the low, breathy groan as she stole her lips from his and shook her head with dazed apology, "… stop."

"You have no idea how that is _all_ I have thought since about lunchtime." He confessed shamelessly as she stroked at his chest and retained the intimacy on which their foundations were built, even when she knew she was unable to give him what he really needed that night.

"Only lunchtime?" she laughed, reaching for his hand and wandering him over to the sofa where she promptly threw a blanket haphazardly over his lap and handed him a plate of pasta. "Here, eat this instead."

"Instead of….." she couldn't help but smile as his blue eyes widened in shock, "… jeez Liv!"

"You do realise you'll kill yourself if you keep this up, right?" she said, unwilling to allow his earlier meltdown to go unspoken of.

"I'm fine."

"Hey….." she chuckled softly, reaching for a beer and opening it with a pop, "… that's my line."

"Did you manage okay? Having Mouse all day on your own today?" he asked, through a mouthful of food as she opened him a beer of his own and slid it along the coffee table to sit in wait in front of him.

"I won't break, El. You gotta trust that. You gotta stop trying to take on the whole world by yourself and let me start taking on half of everything again. I might not be back on the job or running any marathons for a while but I can take care of Evie…."

"You can't lift or carry her."

"Then its good job she can walk just fine on her own…" countered Olivia quickly, unwilling to back down in this particular battle, "….so stop worrying about us, okay? I can take care of things here and I can grocery shop for anything I can throw in my purse which trust me is more than you'll ever believe."

"I'm sorry I snapped earlier."

"I know you are."

"I just…."

"Elliot honestly I'd be worried if you _weren't _punching things. You know someone said to me recently that it's okay not to be okay after all of this….." echoing his words to her in the hospital she leant forward and swapped his empty plate for his beer, "… and with everything you're trying to juggle right now if the worst thing that happens is you throw a punch at my refrigerator, well, I think that's something I can live with."

"Huh."

"Can I ask you something? It's horrible timing and you're tired and I should probably…."

"Liv?" he interjected with a furrowed brow. "You know you can ask me anything, anytime. What's up?"

"Did you propose to me because you didn't think I was gonna make it?"

"What?" asked Elliot, pulling a face.

"Because it's okay if you did. I mean I'd understand. I get it. You were under insane pressure and….."

"Where the hell is this coming from because you _know_ that you couldn't be further from the…."

"Have you told your kids?" she asked, because there came a point when the only way out was to run directly into the fire and hope you were strong enough to withstand the burn.

"No, no I haven't." He answered honestly. As he looked at her he could see all the things she was trying so hard not to say choking her, as brown eyes roamed his face and searched for the answer to a question she couldn't ask.

"You want yoghurt?" said Olivia flatly, sliding her feet out from under her and setting them down on the carpet. "We have that Greek one you like and I bought…."

"Liv?" he said softly, reaching for her hand as she got up and dragging her gently back down onto his lap.

"What?" she murmured, allowing him to fold her into his chest and wrap his arms around her.

"You feel up to a family dinner this weekend?" taking a sip of his beer he could not have been more casual, confident, calmly determined in his proposal. "You, me, all the kids? We'll get Maureen back in the city and take them to one of their favourite places?"

"El I didn't mean to pile on the pressure I just…."

"They gotta know sometime and I don't ever want to lie to them again. I want their blessing, I do, but the sooner they get their heads around it the better because this is happening….." feeling her head fall against his shoulder Elliot bent down and kissed her forehead tenderly, "… I am gonna marry you even if it takes a lifetime of chicken parmesan to get them on board with the idea."

"Not all the kids."

"Huh?" he murmured, barely able to catch her words. So, shuffling herself to a slightly more upright position she met his eyes and swallowed.

"Not _all_ the kids."

"He'll get there. Sam will be tucking into chicken parmesan and resenting the hell out of their old man with the rest of them before you know it, trust me."

"I do….." she said, and just how of herself she was giving him was written all over her face as she spoke with a poignant gravel in her voice, "… I do trust you Elliot; with my life and everything in it."

"You gonnna trust me to pick the movie for a change then?" he asked hopefully, pinning her against him while he leant across the sofa for the remote.

"Oh absolutely not….." shaking her head with a categorical no Olivia flashed a twisted smile and leant over to peck a kiss against his disgruntled expression.


	4. All That I Know Is I'm Breathing

"This one?"

"Sure."

"El you're not helping." Sighed Olivia, frustrated with herself more than him. In the relatively short time since she had given birth to Sam she had done nothing but sit around being force fed by everyone around her and she was intensely displeased by the outcome. Having been used her entire adult life to her body being her own it was a slow adjustment process to resign herself to the result of bearing two children in as many years.

"What do you want from me, Liv?" sighed Elliot, exhausted and in no mood to indulge what he considered female neurosis. "You know I think you look great in anything you thrown on…." there was, she had to admit, something incredibly sexy in the way his compliments were so pragmatically unrefined, "…. and even better when you don't."

"Great, great so I'll just go to dinner with your kids buck naked shall I?" she groaned, pinching at the soft curves at her waist where tightly crafted muscle had once sat.

"Wear the blue one."

"Where did that come from?" she was pushing her luck and she knew it. Having achieved a small miracle in getting him to choose between the five outfit options she had presented him with to then ask for justification was pure torture.

"You remember the last time you wore it?"

"Casey's birthday?" she asked, wondering why as pleasant as she recalled the evening being it was so significant.

"Oh, okay fine….." setting down the toy truck he had been attempting to fix for Eli he gave her his full attention, and hungry eyes as she flashed an impish smile, "…remember the time before that?"

"I guess it was maybe….."

"Harvey Tyson threw that gala benefit for the kids' hospital and we had Fin take Mouse for the night….."

"Man that was back when I had a waist….." she sighed wistfully, her body temperature rising as she suddenly remembering the occasion vividly, "….and you had quite a lot to drink if I remember rightly?"

"Says the woman who chugged from a wine bottle in the elevator like a kid on prom night!" laughing heartily at the memory Elliot needed to do more than watch her from across the room. Gathering himself from the dressing table stool he meandered barefoot across the bedroom carpet and lay his hands on her shoulders, teasing lightly at the edges of the purple capped sleeves thereon.

"You wouldn't have gotten to check what you did off your bucket list if I hadn't….." holding her face straight for several moments she finally gave in to the heady power of their white hot encounter and curled her lips to a smile, "…. I just hope to God they never view those CCTV tapes."

"Can you imagine the headline?" he laughed gutturally, his eyes falling into the low V of her dress and pushing the right sleeve off the edge of her shoulder. "Two of NYPD's finest enjoy an elevating experience at a midtown hotel."

"Going up…." she quipped drily before they both lost it, dissolving into giggles and pawing each other like insatiable teenagers. Pushing her with a light shove toward the bed Elliot fell down clumsily and slowly regained calm enough for Olivia to sigh breathlessly and acknowledge, "That was a good night."

"And a pretty good morning….." grinned Elliot as he leant his body into her just enough that she fell back onto the mattress and lay looking up at him glossy eyed as he added, "….. and I don't think the afternoon was too shabby either."

"What were we _thinking_ just abandoning poor Fin like that?"

"I'm know what I was thinking…" he said, propping himself up on his elbow and leaning his body close into hers, "….it's about the same thing I'm thinking right now."

"I don't think I've ever been that sick in my whole life….." cringing at her own foolishness Olivia groaned, "…. my insides were raw for a week."

"It really is a great story for Sam's wedding one day."

"I would castrate you…." and he needed little convincing that she absolutely might, "… is that seriously how it happened?"

"You didn't hold _anything_ down for like four days….." recalled Elliot, and then with a flash of shameless pride he smirked, "….which is more than enough time for the mighty Stabler sperm to….."

"You realise that there is no way I can wear that dress to dinner with you kids now right?" she laughed darkly, her eyes lazy on his as she stroked the back of her hand absentmindedly back and forth across his chest.

"Maybe you should try another one on instead then….." he murmured, pushing the already loosened sleeves of the dress she was now barely keeping over her cleavage from her shoulders and bending over her to kiss her collar bone, "….I don't think this one is any good. It's a little slippery."

"Slippery?" she asked, giving no protest at all as he reached to her waist and unzipped the side of the shift dress enough to allow him to shimmy it gently south and leave her ample chest exposed. "It is when you tug on it! What are you doing there, detective?"

"I don't know….." he lied with a grin, leaning down and sinking his lips on hers hungrily while a broad palm moved to her ribs, and then slid to lightly cup her breast, "…. but I know it feels pretty good…."

"Oh does it now?" she murmured, laying her palm flat against his breast bone and sliding it, ever so slowly, teasingly, down over the buckle of his belt until it was laid over the rising desire badly concealed by his jeans.

"You tired?" he asked, testing her boundaries and seeking reassurance that she was comfortable with his increasingly demanding hands. He would back off the moment she gave the word and she knew it. It was why she didn't want him to.

"No….." she whispered, her hair falling loose from its tie as she rolled sideways and pressed her body against him as he sank into the comforter and inhaled her kisses like oxygen, "….suddenly I'm not tired at all."

"God I've missed this….." he rasped, his hands roaming her back and helping her out of her bra, "….you have no idea…"

"Lie still….." she instructed, having a fair comprehension of just what kind of torture she had put him through during a prolonged period of sexual disinterest and physical recovery, "…seriously….." she whispered hotly, sliding herself down his chest and littering the hairy muscle of his torso with hot kisses, "….just lie still."

"Yeah?" his answer came in a sudden rush of blood to the head as her fingers teased his jeans south and a warm hand cupped his shaft with a mastery he had never known in any woman before Olivia. "Oh jeez….." he groaned, his blue eyes rolling back in his head as her hot mouth made contact and he felt his whole body respond to her every tongue movement, "….Liv…. oh Liv….."

* * *

"You owe me Rollins."

"I _owed_ you….." attempting to hold her ground Amanda rubbed her clammy palms up and down the thighs of her jeans and swallowed slowly, "… past tense."

"Don't think I take any pleasure in….."

"Oh the hell you don't Reynolds!" she cried, her voice a raw rasp as she saw all the power in her eyes and all the happiness she had felt lying in Fin's arms being wrenched away from her.

"That's Captain to you detective."

"Screw you..." she murmured, closing her eyes and knowing it was over as she headed toward the door defeated.

"Rollins?" came a softer, almost apologetic entreat as the same man rose from his desk and grabbed at her forearm.

"You know I always knew you were an ass…" she choked, tears of blind fury and frustrating welling in her eyes, "….but I never had you pegged as a hypocrite too."

"I saw you with him…." she had known Captain Sam Reynolds for longer than she cared to remember and green was not a flattering colour on him, "…. the cop from New York."

"So _that's_ where all this is coming from? It's not nothing to do with what happened…."

"You knifed a police officer Amanda!"

"He **violated** me!" the words erupted out of her with such a force, such a potent heat that they almost felt to burn at her lips. Bringing a hand to her mouth she held it there, her whole body trembling as she stared at her Captain and knew she was all out of moves. The game was his to win.

"And I made it go away. I went through hell to get you that NYPD transfer and it nearly cost me _everything _I have so…."

"So now you're using the worst thing that ever happened to me as a bargaining chip to keep me here."

"I can't work this case without you."

"Sure you can."

"This squad needs you."

"They need me back in New York more and you know it. Manhattan SVU is on its knees right now and I should be there. I need to be there because _they're_ my people now."

"You mean he is."

"Stop it…."

"You're smart. You're a flyer. You're a good detective on her way to being a great one but you're not there yet. Do you have _any_ idea what it took for me to get a rookie transferred out of Georgia and into one of the most high profile SVU units in the country?"

"And I am _grateful_ for that Sam. I have never stopped being grateful for what you did but you can't just haul my ass back here on the promise of it being temporary and then hold me hostage with a debt that you will _never_ let get done paying!"

"Is it really worth it? Cragen's unit? Your homie from the projects?"

"You dare speak about Detective Tutuola that way again and I swear to God I will….."

"You fall in love to quickly Amanda. You give away your heart to men who don't deserve it and then act surprised when they hurt you….." the intensity of his gaze made her weak as the unspoken truth was that he was one of those men, and though they had never consummated the relationship it had been there as a silent and forbidden longing for as long as she could remember.

"Not anymore I don't." Shutting down the conversation she realised that for the first time she didn't care if she hurt him. She didn't care about him at all. Whatever they might have once had the potential to share was gone and there was only one man she wanted to give her heart to. The one man she suspected might just deserve it.

"What have they got up there that I haven't? Why are you so damn set on…."

"Because they're my family."

"Don't be ridiculous you've only known them for….."

"John Munch? He's just about the smartest guy I've ever known and on my second day at SVU he brought me coffee _exactly_ how I take it because that's just how he is. He listens and he remembers and he cares more than he'll ever admit. Nick Amaro? His wife was killed in action in Iraq and he lost his mind with grief but he fought back. He got clean and sober for his daughter and his friends and every day he is a reminder that not all guys are asses."

"I get it they're good people but…."

"Olivia Benson has strength like I didn't even know existed. Lord she was a modern day freakin' miracle even before she started firing out those kids. I don't think I've ever known anyone deal with life's crap with the stoic grace she does. She's the kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be and I have even _begun_ to learn everything I want to learn about this job from her."

"And this Tutuola character?" sighed Reynolds knowingly. "You wanna talk about the real reason you're so desperate to get back up there?"

"I've never belonged anywhere. I spent my entire childhood sat on the wrong side of closed door and ever since then I've just been lost. I thought my life was over the day I left Atlanta but it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me because I found a bunch of people who give a damn whether I show up to work each day or not. They want me there and what's more they _need _me there so I am asking you….." and then eyes that glistened with frustrated desperation Rollins murmurd, "…. I am _begging_ you Sam. Let me go?"

"We should call the lab and put a rush on those Y chromosome matches….." came the seemingly unmoved response from Atlanta's SVU chief, "….we'll talk about this later."

* * *

"Don't stop."

"It's like having a cat…" came the lazy, dozy eyed smile from Olivia as she lay with her head on Elliot's warm chest and teased tickling fingers back and forth across his chest and belly, "….my arm is tired."

"From stroking my chest?" quipped Elliot quickly, waiting a beat before flashing a devilish smile.

"Amongst other things….." murmured Olivia, and though he couldn't yet see her face he could hear the smile in her voice as she rolled onto her stomach and bent her neck to nuzzle kisses into his collar bone.

"God I've missed this….." reaching to her chin and gently tilting her head upward that he might kiss it tenderly Elliot breathed, "…. I've missed you."

"Did I go somewhere?" she asked, but they both knew how close she'd come to never coming back amounted to the same. She had stood on the portal to another time and space and the taste of mortality was still in every heady kiss they shared. Nothing lasts forever, and it had only made the moments they had sweeter as a result.

"How're you feeling? No bull, no game face, you don't have to pretend…." Holding her face in his palm and stroking his thumb down the cupids bow of her lips he entreated, "… not to me."

"I feel….." inhaling slowly she took a moment before smiling, "…. I feel good."

"Yeah?"

"I mean if I stop to think about it I feel I got hit by an eighteen wheeler and then someone stitched me up like a patchwork quilt from the inside out….." covering her face with her hands she peered out between scissor fingers, before moving them away and revealing herself to him with absolute openness, "…. but tonight I didn't stop to think about it."

"Good."

"I know it's frustrating for you that we can't….."

"Shut up."

"El….."

"Hey….." he cut in quickly, and with a firm, silencing directness, "….don't you dare."

"You know I slept alone for the best part of four decades and then the past few weeks in the hospital it was like I forgot how. It just doesn't feel right anymore….." lifting her eyes to his she whispered, "….not having you there."

"You think I slept a wink here without you?" he replied quietly.

"El will you do something for me?"

"Anything, you know that."

"Talk to someone."

"What?" he asked, his deep forehead furrowing. "You're not seriously asking me to get my head shrunk? You of all people?"

"Me of all people." She nodded steadily.

"Liv you know I hate that crap….." he groaned, leaning his head back into the pillow and shaking it back and forth reluctantly, "….isn't it enough I talk to you?"

"No, no I don't think it is. I'm not saying I want you to _stop_ talking to me. I never would. I just think of all that you've got churning around inside you right now and I see you getting angrier and angrier…" knowing he was helplessly to her touch she reached out a hand and stroked her fingertips soothingly across his chest, "….and honestly it scares the hell out of me Elliot."

"You're really set on this?" he tested, knowing his fate was decided the moment she caught his eyes with her worried coffee coloured gaze.

"Even just Huang maybe?" she suggested with a soft shrug. "You could go for coffee or something."

"Fine."

"You'll do it?" she asked, admittedly a little surprised at the ease with which he caved to her request. "You'll call him?"

"Yes."

"I really think it'll help. I know we've both been sceptics over the years but this is different. This isn't 1 PP being asses it's just…."

"Liv I said I'd go but let's just leave it at that okay….." he muttered, attempting to silence her with kisses and murmuring, "….we don't need to make it a whole thing."

"I'm not forcing you there Elliot. If you don't want to go then don't but if you're not into it….." confused with his accepting yet reluctant surrender Olivia puzzled, "….then why say you'll…."

"Because you asked me to…." he confessed, his face softening to a smile as he kissed her again and this time with feeling, "….because _you_ want me to go."

"Huh." She stated, pausing for a moment to consider the power and strength that the kind of relationship they now had held.

"But you realise that this is a two way street, right?" he smirked, sliding his hand under the duvet and turning her body into his.

"So what you're saying is that I have to do things just because you asked me to?" she clarified, knowing that though their earlier conversation may have been deeply profound they had now drifted, with a haplessly blissful ease, back to the land of sexual favours.

"Pretty much….." he murmured, sinking his mouth onto her neck and lightly pinching with his teeth before kissing up to her ear and hotly requesting, "….so I'm thinking that you….."

* * *

"You're looking good Amaro."

"I'm feeling good….." smiled Nick with a relaxed smile as he sank back in the chair opposite Cragen and folded his hands in his lap, "… the best I have in a long time actually."

"The Sunshine State looks good on you. Did Zara enjoy the vacation?"

"Captain we've been gone nearly three months….." said Nick, pragmatic as ever even in his newly casual state, "…..let's not pretend we were just vacationing down there. It was more than that the moment we checked out of Disney."

"What are you saying Nick?" asked Cragen with his chest falling a little heavy.

"Look I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear over the phone only I thought you understood. Zara and I are starting a new life down there….." adjusting his tie slightly Nick felt almost apologetic as he added, "… we're only back in the city to grab some of her stuff and visit her grandparents."

"You're leaving New York?" giving almost nothing away in his facial expression Cragen's mind ran fast. Though his body may have been addled by the aftershocks of an intense chemotherapy cocktail his wits were almost as sharp as ever. "For good?"

"For now….." there was something vague about Nick's decision, something uncertain, as though there were a certain something holding him back, "… for the time being."

"Is there anything I can say to change your mind?"

"No, no this isn't…."

"Anything I can do? Changes I can make?" though Nick's head was shaking Don Cragen was unashamed to admit he knew the detective had an Achilles heel. There was one thing he could do, one thing he could change, one person he could bring back to the squad and ensure a change of heart in Amaro but he couldn't go there. It would be professional, it wouldn't be fair, it wouldn't be right and yet still it killed him to hold his tongue.

"She still in Atlanta? Rollins I mean?"

"Yeah, yeah she's still there for now…" but for the first time there was some strange, quietly burning hope deep in the Captain's hope that there was hope for the 1-6 yet and that though seemingly the curtain had fallen there was chance still of an encore, "… but we're working on it."

* * *

"Give him some room, mom…"

"I can't. El please, I can't. Look at him, what if he….." pled Olivia, turning to him with desperate eyes as she leant in even closer to her son. Nodding steadily Elliot reached down and moved Olivia's hand from the incubator glass and held it fast.

"Trust him, babe. Just trust him….." taking a leap of faith greater than he had ever had too before Elliot lay everything in his God and his son's hands, "… he's got this."

"But what if he….."

"Liv? Hey Liv, look at me?" feeling the nurses' and attending's eyes on him and not caring one bit Elliot bent down and took her other hand in his. Squeezing her fingers tightly he forced her eyes and with a watery eyed gaze murmured, "We just gotta give him a chance to prove us right, to prove just how strong he really is. We have to trust that all these doctors and nurses know the medicine and we know our boy and because of both of those things…." bending down so he was kneeling beside her Elliot clutched her hands and leant into her, "…. it's going to be okay."

"Okay do it, do it now. Take him off that thing right now….." knowing she would never again have that kind of strength Olivia got to her feet and dragged Elliot's arms around her waist, holding them fast there and closing her eyes with baited breath, "….just do it."

"Open your eyes….." murmured Elliot, watching Sam over her shoulder and knowing just what difference feeling his mother's presence would make, "….let him know you're here."

"I can't."

"Sure you can."

"Elliot…." she breathed, before slowly exhaling and opening her eyes just as the doctor gently peeled the tape from Sam's face and removed his oxygen tube.

"Oh well hi there little man!" laughed the strawberry blonde attending who made Elliot feel painfully old he was so young in years. "Are you fussing now you've got some of your own air in your lungs?"

"Is he okay? He's crying…." panicked Olivia, her nails sunken so far into Elliot's hand he couldn't help but wince, "… what does that mean?"

"I think it just means he wants his mom….." smiled the doctor, notifying the nurses that the removal of the ventilator had gone to plan and that all was well for their notes, "…. doesn't it Sam?"

"So he's okay?" asked Elliot, desperately needing the words said aloud for clarification. "He's breathing okay on his own?"

"He's my little comeback kid….." parcelling Sam's still painfully tiny little torso into Olivia's waiting arms the doctor beamed, "…. and yes, yes he is breathing just fine on his own. That couldn't have gone better."

"Here that Liv?" grinned Elliot, somewhere between a laugh and a cry as he turned to Olivia who simply stared down at Sam speechless. "You doing okay babe?"

"I…." she began, cradling their son close into her chest and rocking back and forth with tears brimming at her eyes and an unspeakable emotion choking at her throat, "…. I can't…. I…."

"I'll give you three a minute alone before we run Sam's next round of checks. Buzz if you need I'll be right outside."

"Thanks doc….." nodded Elliot, shaking the young man's hand before turning back and enveloping both Olivia and Sam in his arms, "… come here you soft thing."

"You're okay baby, just keep breathing. I've got you, your mom and dad are right here. Mama's right here…" murmuring under her breath Olivia lifted their son's head gently so that she might press a lingering kiss against his temple, "… and don't you ever scare us like that again my brave, beautiful boy."


	5. One Hand On The Devil One Hand In Mine

"Well son it's taken three months longer than your mom and I would've liked….." patting Sam's diaper with a repetitive, soothing beat Elliot turned a full circle in the centre of Olivia's increasingly cluttered apartment and sighed euphorically, "… but this is it – you're home."

"Let me mama, let me?" asked Evie, laying her hand over Olivia's as she smoothed a soft blue blanket across the inside of Sam's bassinette. "Evie help?"

"Sure, sure course you can sweetie. You wanna go get Sam's diaper bag and come help me change him?"

"Yes….." said Eve without hesitation and with an earnestness that melted both Elliot and Olivia alike, "….come on Daddy."

"Yeah come on Daddy…." smiled Olivia, watching Eve square both feet away before hauling the diaper bag a foot and then taking two steps before repeating the procedure until she had gotten it half way across the room, "… and help the poor kid out on your way will you?"

"Is that heavier than you expected Mouse?" came an amused chuckle from Elliot as he bent slightly at the knee and took the strap from Eve. Padding quickly after him across the room so as not to miss out on the opportunity to participate Eve knelt herself down beside Olivia and waited patiently for her next instruction.

"You gonna do him on the floor?" asked Elliot, not having seen anything as adorable in a long time as the sight of both Olivia and Eve kneeling in front of the changing mat.

"Yeah I think so. That changing table is so high I don't know how I'd have her help me up there….." perching on the edge of the sofa behind them Elliot parcelled Sam across into Olivia's waiting arms and then sat back to watch the show.

"He's sleepy…." noted Eve, giving her brother a gentle poke in the thigh in the hope that he might awaken enough to be a little more interesting, "… wakey wakey baby Sam!"

"Okay so first job for you big sister is to pass me a clean diaper, can you do that baby?" asked Olivia, laying her newborn out on the mat and watching with amusement as Eve took pains to select a good looking diaper before handing it over with all the ceremony and sincerity as if it were a gift of frankincense or myrrh.

"See her tongue?" covering his smirk with his hand Elliot knew just how mortified Eve would be if she knew he were mocking her. All his girls had been that way.

"She's concentrating….." smiling adoringly at her daughter, whose little pink tongue was poking out between her pursed lips Olivia flushed with an overwhelming wash of maternal pride, "….aren't you Evie baby?"

"Can I pet him?" both parents wanted to correct Eve and find some way to explain that her brother wasn't an animal. Instead, however, they watched the tenderness with which Eve remembered earlier instruction not to touch Sam's head and instead repeatedly stroked at his tiny button nose.

"Oh my God….." murmured Elliot as Eve lay down belly to the changing mat next to her brother, continuing to stroke his nose as she whispered babbling nonsense into his ear, "… seriously Liv is that not the cutest damn thing you ever saw?"

Shaking his head and marvelling at the sight it was several moments before Elliot realised he had garnered no response. "Liv?" he tested, turning to Olivia who still held a gentle hand over Sam's belly, as though she were the gravity who pinned his still fragile little body to the earth. "Hey, where are you babe?"

"No place I deserve….." turning to him with the wide, tear filled eyes of a woman who had only ever dared to dream of the family now surrounding her and yet who was acutely aware that it could all be taken from her in a heartbeat Olivia clocked his movement toward her and mouthed, "….don't."

"No don't _you_…." murmured Elliot, sliding from the sofa and folding her into his chest from behind, "… don't you dare."

"I feel like I've been holding my breath for….." closing her eyes and leaning back against Elliot's shoulder Olivia murmured, "….so long."

"I know."

"I guess all this time we've been working on just getting him home I thought that somehow when we finally did that feeling might go away."

"Liv I gotta tell you ….." smiled Elliot with a knowing sigh, "….that feeling _never_ goes away."

"That isn't in any way reassuring." Replied Olivia drily.

"But it's the truth. It's a parent's curse. Maureen files her own tax returns and I still hold my breath every day that she gets behind the wheel of a car or walks home through the Bronx to that shack she calls home in the dark. And mostly because one day soon that numbskull she's dating might ask her to marry him and I'm terrified she might be stupid enough to say yes."

"He's not a bad kid." Smiled Olivia tiredly.

"He's not good enough for her."

"That is hardly fair when…."

"Would you let him date Evie?"

"El if you could've seen some of the guys I dated at Maureen's age then….." attempting to play devil's advocate for the sake of her almost step daughter Olivia only got so far before she was forced to cave to Elliot's demanding eyes and surrender a smile, "… but see I won't have that problem when Evie joins the convent so…."

"I bet your mother went through hell with all the boys fighting to take you out…." marvelled Elliot, wishing suddenly that he could've known her at Maureen's age.

"I didn't tell her….." confessed Olivia, a sudden sadness sweeping over her as Elliot felt her skin ripple with goose pimples, "….it wasn't worth it."

"Worth what?" asked Elliot, always keen to seize on any moment in which she was willing to lay bare some of her painfully complex soul.

"Jackson Spencer. I'd been seeing him all summer and it was like I finally had something that was mine. Something she could touch. Only things were getting serious the way they always do when you're sixteen and stupid and he wanted to meet her. Finally he wore me down. I couldn't take his whining anymore and so when school got out for the holidays I brought him home for dinner."

"What happened?"

"What always happened." Replied Olivia with a slow, deliberate pause following.

"Liv?"

"She sucked all the air out of the room."

"Uh huh…." he soothed, stroking his fingertips lightly across her wrist as she spoke quietly.

"She cooked him French food and danced around the living room to Barry White. She told him stories of Paris and Prague and talked to him about Shakespeare and Faust as though this dumbass, long haired punk in ripped jeans gave a crap. He just got lost in her. Everyone did. As long as Serena was holding court nothing and no one else mattered."

"Where were you in all this?" asked Elliot, but it was more than that. He saw in that moment as he had in so many before how lost in Serena Benson her daughter had become and how that airless existence in childhood had threatened to swallow her whole.

"Watching, waiting, just sitting there knowing what he didn't. That it wouldn't last. That she would only, that she _could_ only last out until the bottle betrayed her. And it always did. One minute she had poor Jackson slow dancing to White Christmas and next she's kissing him the way I was supposed to."

"What the…."

"He went home terrified and I put her to bed….." shrugging as though it were simply a statement of fact, a bleak reality of her history Olivia sighed, "… and that was the last time I brought a boyfriend home to meet mom."

"I wonder what she would've made of me if she was still here."

"At her best she'd have loved you. She'd have been so happy that I finally had all the things she always wanted and the family she could never give me."

"That's nice…."

"And at her worst she'd have hated you."

"I…"

"Most of the time she'd resent the hell out of the fact that someone loves me in a way that she could never let anyone love her because of what my father did. She wouldn't be able to _stand_ that in my life now there are three people whose needs would come before her. She couldn't stand it if she thought, even for a second, that she wasn't the centre of my world and that everything I did wasn't for her anymore."

"That's not love its suffocation."

"It's addiction. I see that now. I see that she wasn't just addicted to the vodka…." though it pained her to say it Olivia took enough comfort in the fact that it was past tense to air the thought out loud, "… she was addicted to me."

"You know when I told my mom we got engaged she just laughed."

"You told your mom about us?" asked Olivia, genuinely a little taken aback.

"Yeah."

"Only after how well it went with your kids…."

"They'll come around in time and we all know it. In fact at this point I think they're just torturing me because they know I can. They know the outcome is inevitable they just need to work their way around to accepting it in their own time."

"So your kids were already pissed at us and now you're mother thinks we're a joke?" sighed Olivia, wondering whether they would ever reach a lasting peace.

"She wasn't laughing at us she was laughing to herself….." smiled Elliot, reaching for Olivia's hand and rubbing his finger over her engagement ring, "….she asked what had taken me so long."

"I don't understand?"

"She said that she'd known for years that things weren't right with Kathy and that it wouldn't last. And then she said that the moment she met you in that café at the beach….." leaning forward and closing his eyes Elliot breathed her in, closing her lips around hers and kissing her warmly before murmuring, "….. she knew why."

* * *

"I shouldn't be here."

"Peach…." marvelled Fin, letting go of his apartment door with a flourish and throwing himself into the cold, trembling blonde, "….. what's going on?"

"I….."

"I thought you were under?" he asked, when she was clearly unable to form a sentence of her own. "What happened?"

"You can't tell anyone." Managed Rollins with a small voice, her eyes darting around his face like a spooked animal and so full of fear Fin felt his own chest contract.

"Tell anyone what 'Manda?" he muttered, not knowing quite why they were holding a secret but that he would've done anything in that moment to stop her shaking. "You gotta tell me what the hell is….."

"I can't go back to Atlanta….." shaking her head from side to side, slowly at first and then with increasing urgency Amanda whispered under her breath, "… ever."

"Shit happens when you're under but that doesn't mean that you…."

"I don't want to talk."

"You don't got a choice."

"I…."

"You tell me you're going undercover for your captain in Atlanta and we can't even talk anymore and then a month later you show up on my doorstep a hot mess….." locking her gaze and speaking with a kind firmness Fin added, "….oh you bet your ass you're gonna talk."

"But not tonight….." her head falling exhaustedly to the side Amanda closed her eyes and willed him to show compassion enough to allow her that at least, "….please?"

"Fine….." surrendered Fin with little ability to deny her anything, "… come on in."

"Fin wait…." grabbing at his hand as he turned to head back into his apartment Amanda realised that strong as the fight response may be, what she felt for him was stronger, "….before you invite me in you gotta know that what happened….it was… well I…."

"Peach?" he asked, ducking his head and forcing her eyes so he could read a lie should she choose to tell one.

"I crossed a line."

"Like I said when you're under the game changes and you gotta…."

"Fin I crossed a line that I don't know I'll ever be able to cross back over. And then I ran. I got on the first bus out of town and I didn't look back. The cartel, my captain….." she was shaking again, he noted, and her voice trembled as she confessed, "….you need to know that you're risking your badge inviting me in."

"Get in here….." he didn't care, he realised. For the first time in his life his job meant nothing and holding her hand he squeezed it as a physical reinforcement that he was on her side. He had her back.

"Are you sure?" she tested, a strange calm washing over her as she allowed herself to trust the warmth in his dark eyes. An affection bordering on something deeper than either one of them had ever known.

"You just gotta get a good night's sleep and then in the morning we can make some calls and figure this out. You've got a lot of friends in the city who…."

"No!" her eyes shot open, wide and adamant in their terror. "No, no you can't tell anyone I'm here."

"But…."

"Fin you gotta promise me. Until I figure this shit out you're the only person who can know where I am. You can't talk to anyone. Not Cragen or Munch….." and then with a gasping hesitation and a influence from heart rather than head she added hoarsely, "….and _not _Olivia."

"You know if you were in trouble she….."

"I know you two are close but…." too close, perhaps, was the unspoken end to a sentence that Amanda allowed to trail off indefinitely.

"Fine, fine okay. You don't want Liv to know….." said Fin with an accenting shrug, "… she don't gotta know."


	6. You Can't Always Get What You Want

"Mama, mama, it's for you!"

"Hey baby…" beamed Olivia as Elliot opened the apartment door and Eve burst inside waving a crayoned drawing like a victory flag, "….what is it?"

"It's a picture….." replied Eve, missing her mother's point slightly and waiting expectantly for a reaction as Olivia examined the work of art and attempted to tactfully place the figure it featured, "…. you like it?"

"I love it!" nodded Olivia emphatically, before becoming distracted by Elliot's inability to settle a fractious Sam on the other side of the room. "It's awesome and I'm gonna put it right here on the fridge."

"These are fishes..." Said Eve with a very serious expression as she jabbed a chubby finger at the blue triangles on the paper, "…. and this is lots of breads."

"Bread."

"Bread." Repeated Eve, though she wasn't sure why.

"And who is this big guy here?" asked Olivia, forcing herself to ignore Sam's fussing and focus her complete attention back on her daughter. "Is it Daddy?"

"No! Silly mama….." giggled Eve, amused at the prospect of the bearded man in her picture being Elliot, "… it's Jesus."

"It's who, baby?" asked Olivia, her eyes narrowing slightly as she unconsciously slipped into detective mode.

"Jesus…." repeated Eve with a slight impatience at her mother's slowness to catch on, "… he made magic fishes. I used a blue crayon. Blue fishies."

"Evie baby where did you draw this _great_ picture?" insentiently employing tactics used on children on the job Olivia maintained a breezy calm and smiling expression as she pressed for information. "Where did Daddy take you and Sam?"

"We ate cookies." Said Eve evasively, sensing her mother's tension despite Olivia's best efforts.

"Where, baby?" swirling her fingers through the soft, wispy bangs that fell across the toddler's forehead Olivia didn't really need an answer. While Eve might not have been entirely sure where it was that she'd been entertained on a Sunday morning her mother knew all too well.

"Liv did I leave his diaper bag out there?" came a call from the bedroom and for Eve's sake Olivia attempted to inject a casual calm into her voice before she replied.

"Yeah, yeah it's on the couch."

"Can you grab it for me?"

"Here….." said Olivia detachedly, wandering over to where Elliot had Sam pinned down on the bed to change him and dropping the satchel with a thud, "…. when you're done I'll feed him." Then before she could stop herself, and with a penchant for passive aggression where Elliot displayed blind rage she added, "Unless there was magic milk along with the fish, bread and cookies this morning?"

"What?" asked Elliot, watching her visibly tense and fight to hold back in front of the baby.

"You _know_ what Elliot….." she replied with a taught expression, bending down and gently scooping Sam from the bed and cradling him close into her chest, "….and you're not taking my kids there again."

"I'm sorry did you just say _your_ kids?" scoffed Elliot in disbelief, far less able to reign his anger than his fiancée. "They're our kids and you damn well know it. Where the hell do you get off pulling that crap?"

"Were they _our_ kids when you took them to church behind my back?" she snapped with a muted hiss, a protective hand cupping Sam's ear. "Where the hell do _you_ get off making that kind of decision without me?"

"You know where I am on this. You've always know. I'm Catholic, my whole family is Catholic and it's important to me that my kids are raised with God on their side and I guess I just assumed you'd get that."

"You did?" said Olivia, taking a sledgehammer to Elliot's believing heart with the look of absolute resolution in her eyes. "Well not that you asked but let me tell you where **I** am on this. I'm _not_ Catholic and you assumed wrong because I _don't_ get it."

"Liv…."

"I wasn't Catholic from the moment I was conceived out of a cruel act of violence that destroyed my mother. I wasn't Catholic when my mother fell down a flight of subway stairs and lay there for four hours cold and alone before anyone found her and I never got a chance to make things right. I wasn't Catholic when I spent an entire September attending funerals of NYPD officers and I am actively _not _Catholic every single day I do my job and see what your God allows to….."

"I'm walking away from this conversation….." murmured Elliot, the veins in his neck raised as he clenched his fists and made for the door.

"Right, right because it's so much easier to just go behind my back instead of…."

"Can we talk about this later?" asked Elliot, having vowed never once to fight her in front of their children the way he had with Kathy. "Please?"

"You had no _right_ to take them there Elliot!" she cried, exasperated that he was seemingly incapable of understanding her point of view. "What's worse is you know it. You knew exactly how I'd feel about it but you figured what I didn't know couldn't hurt you."

"Maybe I did….." shrugging away a little of the tension from his shoulders Elliot surrendered a little of his most intimate self to her, "… maybe it is _that_ important to me."

"More important than me?"

"That isn't fair."

"Neither is you taking our children to worship a God I don't believe in."

"Sam slept through the whole service and Evie played with a bunch of other kids and crayoned a picture of a hairy homeless man in an aquarium. You make it sound like I had them brainwashed into some kind of cult!"

"Being flippant doesn't change….."

"You know you might have a lot of reasons not to believe and I do to, everyone does. But despite all the crap I also have some pretty good reasons not to lose faith….." with his whole body relaxing Elliot couldn't help but smile as he added softly, "….and I'm looking at two of them."

"El…."

"I'm gonna go for a run."

"Elliot?"

"The magic fish might be a stretch Liv, but when you were bleeding to death and he wasn't breathing I had every reason in the world to tell _my _God to go to hell….." pursing his lips Elliot gave as much of himself as she had ever known, "….but maybe then we wouldn't be having this fight."

* * *

"Couldn't sleep?"

"Jesus!" cried Amanda, her blonde hair whipping around in terror as Fin startled her with his sudden presence in the living room. "You scared the goddamn life out of me."

"I make a mean hot chocolate….." ignoring her scolding and padding barefoot across his living room in black sweatpants and a generously sized hoodie Fin added with an almost boyish grin, "….even got me some of those baby marshmallows. You interested?"

"Yeah…." her reply was loaded and their eyes were locked as she swallowed so slowly she could feel the tension moving down her throat, "….yeah sounds good."

"You want a splash of something stronger in it?" sensing that it might take more than milk and sugar to settle her obvious disquiet Fin gestured toward his liquor stash. "Might help you get some shut eye."

"Fin I shouldn't have come here."

"I shouldn't have let you stay…" was not quite the reply Amanda had expected as she rose from the couch wearing his clothes that drowned her and grabbed her hair back in a dishevelled ponytail, "….but it ain't about should. Is it?"

"Guess not….." she postured, wandering into the kitchen in her socks and gratefully accepting a steaming mug of chocolate from him.

"Topping?" he asked, reaching into the cupboard for a bag of miniature marshmallows. "They're damn good."

"Sure, sure thanks…" as he sprinkled them in the top of her mug it was as if every few seconds she had to remind her heart to beat and her lungs to take in air. She had missed him so.

"Anything good on?" he asked, breaking the moment and gesturing toward the moving pictures she hadn't been watching on the muted television. "It's usually nothing but QVC and porn when I can't sleep. That or that crazy ass southern lady frying butter."

"I watched a documentary on Boeing….." said Amanda with little inflection in her voice as they took a seat beside one another on the sofa, "… so I'm probably gonna ride the bus more."

"How long does it take?" stirring his mug Fin watched her take a long sip and hold it hot in her mouth for a moment as he clarified. "From Atlanta up here?"

"Too long….." came the quick reply as her eyes lifted to his, "… and not long enough."

"Peach I don't care what happened. I don't care what you did or what got done to you I just…."

"Don't, don't Fin please….."

"I think we were on the same page after….." the night they had spent together, was what was spoken in his eyes before he verbalised, "…. you know you could've come home then and none of this shit would've happened."

"Shoulda, woulda, coulda….." shrugged Amanda, setting her mug down on the table as he did the same, "…. and I'm not so sure New York is home."

"It could be….." he murmured, his dark gaze searching her pale face as he reached out and brushed the side bangs from her eyes, "…. if you let it. If you wanted it to be."

"If you knew what…."

"Don't matter….." he countered quickly, shrugging his shoulders and confessing enigmatically, "… you think I don't got skeletons you don't know about?"

"We were on the same page. I wanted to come back here so bad. I just couldn't. He had a grip on me so tight that I….." shaking her head and covering her face with her hands Amanda took a moment before giving him her eyes once more, "….but I thought about it every day."

"Yeah?" he tested, as she looped the strings of his hoodie in her fingers.

"Fin I don't know what happens next. I don't know what's going to happen to me when the shit hits the fan and I don't know how far I've dragged you into it just being here. I just know that ever since that night in the Hudson I haven't been the same. Nothing has been the same. Nothing has felt right….." twisting her body around as he inclined toward her Amanda closed her eyes and tasted that which she had yet to identify as home on his tongue, "…. except this."

* * *

"There's fresh coffee."

"You were up early."

"Sam was up early….." replied Olivia with that civil, tepid calm that washes over a couple who have weathered the storm and are now attempting to sift through its implications, "…. he's napping again now though."

"I fixed Mouse up with Dickie's iPad on our bed…." pouring himself a mug of black Elliot moved slowly around the kitchen as he spoke, "… he's gonna drop by later and pick it up by the way."

"I'll be here all day."

"You sleep okay?" asked Elliot, folding the blanket under which he had slept an uncomfortable night on the sofa.

"Fine…." she lied, when in truth she had tossed and turned and not slept a wink without him beside her. Her initial impetuous eviction of him from their bedroom having seemed a horrible idea the moment she had closed the door behind him but her stubborn pride having been too strong to admit it, "….you?"

"Yeah, yeah, fine. Look I gotta head into work and figure out….."

"I don't want to fight with you Elliot."

"You mean you're not having fun here either?" he laughed wearily, having hated every single moment of their awkward overnight silence just a much as he knew she had. They were both painfully stubborn and masochistic in their determination to hold ground.

"I guess I overreacted a little I just….."

"We're on totally different pages on this one and we both knew it."

"So rather than discuss it with me you just went ahead and took them anyway….." their worst fights, for as long as she could remember, were always the ones were one or other of them cut their partner out of the loop, "… and _that's_ what got me."

"It was the only time in the whole week that she sat still."

"Who?" asked Olivia softly, sensing from his faraway expression they may not be talking about Eve.

"In all the chaos and crazy, all the spinning and fighting for that one hour every week it was quiet. We just sat there. For that one hour mom stopped wanting to man a solo flight to mars or drive a truck across Europe. She found a peace there that she never could anywhere else. For sixty minutes on a Sunday morning we were just like any other family….." turning away so that she might not see the tears in his eyes Elliot choked gutturally, "… and I thanked God for that."

"El I get that church was an escape for you…" it was so rare, so very rare that he spoke of his childhood that she felt she ought to give the moment a little room to breathe, "… truly I do."

"It's been a part of who I am since I was Sam's age."

"I understand but…."

"Do you?" he asked, challenging her in a way that no one ever had before or would likely ever dare to in future. "Do you really though? Because I don't think so. I don't think you understand. I don't think you get it at all and what's more I don't think you've even tried."

"Elliot!" she smarted, though perhaps the accusation cut a little deeper than was comfortable.

"What if I _had_ discussed it with you? Would you have even considered letting me take them?"

"Yeah, yeah of course I…."

"You're not taking my kids to church. That's what you said."

"I was angry I…"

"So let's discuss it, right now, let's talk about the role that my faith is going to have in our kids' lives…."

"I don't see the value in Evie being told that magic impossibilities happened to people who didn't exist thousands of years ago and bribed into believing it with cookies and cuddles. She should be able to make up her own mind about what she puts her faith in when she's old enough to understand. They both should."

"That's not how it works."

"That's how it works for me."

"And that's all that matters here isn't it?" said Elliot, because he saw no viable way to break the cast iron wall Olivia had evidently built in front of any hope of a two sided debate.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're impossible when you can't get your own way. You always have been."

"I…."

"You've spent your whole life a lone wolf and you've only ever had yourself to answer to. Well not anymore. You don't get to call all the shots. Your opinion isn't the only one that matters. Your voice isn't the only one that gets heard. We're partners for better or worse and you can pout and sulk all you like but this won't work if I give in to you every time."

"Are you done?" spat Olivia coldly.

"There are two people in this relationship Liv….." said Elliot with an exhausted shrug as he grabbed a hoodie, his keys and cell phone and headed toward the door, "….and you have _got_ to learn to bend."


	7. Everybody Has The Right To Be Wrong

"The guy left his wife for you. He risked his kids, his job, he walked away from a whole life to be with you Olivia. There is _nothing _he wouldn't do for you."

"What is this? I feel like a scolded child."

"You're acting like a child."

"I don't have to listen to this….."

"Sit your whiney ass down!" yelled Fin, slamming his open palm down on the sofa beside him and flashing demanding eyes that she might do as he said. "You don't get to walk away just because you don't like what I got to say. That isn't how this works and you know it."

"Don't think I underestimate how much Elliot sacrificed for me Fin. Don't make it sound like I take him for granted because I don't."

"I know you don't…." rounding off the edges of his tone Fin turned up the corners of his mouth, "… and I also know just how much of a risk you take every time you let him in."

"I don't think it's even about religion at all."

"I know it isn't." Smiled Fin, knowing her better than she would ever realise and afforded with the clarity of an outside view he was often able to see the obvious before she herself could.

"Don't do that….." defending her line Olivia sat back down and crossed one leg over the other, rubbing at her right temple and leaning on her elbow, "… don't try to shrink me. You're no Huang."

"And church is no sadist cult and Elliot is no Tom Cruise. Evie and Sam aren't gonna understand most of what goes on beyond story time and singing and even if they do how bad could it be? I never found God but I sure as hell went looking the night Peach and I were drifting down the Hudson in a…."

"When did 'Peach' happen?" asked Olivia, unable to get an accurate reading on Fin's expression when he spoke of their absent friend. Something was different. Something ran deeper than it had before.

"You can't wrap those babies in cotton wool and keep them behind glass. I know you're scared. I can see it in your eyes. But you're so terrified that someone is gonna take those kids away from you you're losing rational judgement."

"I…."

"Well aren't you?" she couldn't deny it. Not when in her heart of hearts she knew that her greatest weakness was her agonizing history of loss.

"I've seen things Fin. I have seen things that even in their darkest moments most mothers couldn't even begin to imagine. I've seen good parents, great parents naively let their kids get caught up in…."

"So use your instincts. Trust your gut. Take what you know from the job and use it to _protect_ your kids but they gotta have a life Liv. You gotta find a middle ground or they're gonna be suffocated and you're gonna lose your mind."

"It isn't that I don't want them to believe. I get that El does and a part of me is almost envious of it but I've also seen its cost him over the years. I don't know if I'll ever understand that kind of blind faith or the way he puts his faith above everything else."

"Not everything….." said Fin, catching her undivided attention as he enigmatically added, "… commandment number seven."

"I don't…."

"Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Wow….." mouthed Olivia, dropping her head into her hands and exhaling slowly, "… I am officially the worst person in the world."

"No you're not you're just a pain in the ass sometimes. Let Stabler take your kids to church and trust that they're not gonna get brainwashed. Trust that a Catholic guy willing to cheat on his wife and then divorce her to be with you has got blind faith in something….." smiling with a wry fondness Fin sighed, "….but it's not the man upstairs."

"I don't know how to get past the fear Fin." Confessed Olivia quietly, staring into the distance and realising she always had and always would be her own worst enemy. "There's no logic, no reason, but you're right I am terrified. I'm scared to death that it's all only temporary. That any moment something or someone could take them all away from me."

"They could." Shrugged Fin with a frankness that scolded her melancholy. "Same way you could get hit by a bus tomorrow or I could get struck by lightning the day after. You gotta fight the fear. You might have known more loss, more temporary than most in your life but Elliot is embarrassingly in love with you and anyone with eyes in their head can see you won the kid lottery so quit it. Quit sabotaging your own happiness."

"Fight the fear, huh?" she nodded, turning to her friend and smiling. By God she loved her rough diamond.

"You hear that Cragen's back?" affording her the relief of a subject change Fin watched her eyes widen in horror.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me."

"Nah I wish I was….." sighed Fin sadly, "… and he looks awful."

"He barely got the all clear. He's nowhere near ready and what's more they know it so…."

"He pushed them into it, Liv….." meeting her eyes Fin knew there were only a handful of people who could truly share his concern and she was undoubtedly the one who would feel it most acutely, "… he reckons that job is all he has. That it's his only reason for getting up in the morning."

"He said that to you?" she asked, her heart aching like that of a daughter in her father's darkest hour.

"You know the only way he'll quit is if you nail that captains exam and step into his shoes….." shrugging his shoulders he thought he was simply voicing the obvious, "… just sayin' cheekbones."

"Well don't." Came the frosty reply as the weighty burden of responsibility sank down onto Olivia's shoulders. Her sense of duty was every bit as strong as Cragen's but unlike him the job was no longer all she had. She had three other very good reasons to get up in the morning and three reasons to ignore Fin's suggestion.

* * *

"Can I do it?"

"Sure, sure if you're really gentle you can….." nodded Elliot, patiently guiding Eve's chubby hands as she fastened the poppers of Sam's onesie with profound concentration, "… good job baby, you're a pro."

"I gonna watch TV now he's a bit boring."

"He'll get more interesting when he grows up a bit….." glancing at the clock in the hope of something suitable being on Elliot smiled, "… hey Mouse if you hurry up you'll catch the last fifteen minutes of Dora."

"Oh boy!" he wasn't entirely sure where she'd picked up that expression from but it, combined with the expression of abject delight on her face was enough to melt even the hardest of hearts.

"I think that maybe I owe you an apology." Came a voice from the bathroom as Olivia emerged from a long soak in the tub and an hour of deep thought over all that Fin had said that morning.

"Yeah?" asked Elliot, jostling Sam lightly as the infant fussed lightly for a few moments before gradually beginning to settle in the security of his father's arms.

"Yeah….." she nodded with a heavy, accepting sigh and a determined tug on the ties of her bathrobe.

"You know you actually have to say the words….." smirked Elliot, his eyes alight, "… even I they are like vinegar."

"I never had any reason to believe in any god let alone the one you do. I never had much reason to believe in anything for a long time."

"Liv…."

"No, no please let me finish." She insisted, setting herself down beside him on the couch.

"Okay, okay go….."

"But then I guess today I realised that I have two beautiful children with a man who isn't afraid to kick my ass and call me out when I'm being a stubborn brat….." laughing despite herself Olivia leant forward and touched his knee, stroking at his thigh and sighing with a weary shake of her head, "…. and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I stonewalled you. I'm sorry I was such a bitch."

"There….." he grinned, tilting his head "….that wasn't so painful was it?"

"I love you Elliot…" unconsciously twisting at her engagement ring Olivia confessed with a culpable vulnerability and a rare flash of weakness, "….but I'm no good at this."

"You're a work in progress." He smiled adoringly.

"Shut up!" balked Olivia, swatting his arm gently and rolling her eyes with a sigh as she snapped from her regretful gloom. "I'm serious. I might hate how well you know me sometimes but it doesn't make you wrong. I've been on my own for so long I'm not even sure I know _how_ to share my life with someone else. You were right. You were right that it wouldn't have been a discussion. I'm _not _good at not getting my own way."

"It's what makes you an incredible advocate for victims." Noted Elliot, never having known a detective in his entire career willing to risk as much as she does to get justice for those wronged.

"And a shitty fiancée." She countered with a wry smile.

"You're not so very bad….." sliding a hand free from cradling the baby Elliot reached out and drew her by the nape of her neck until she was close enough to kiss, "…. you just have a few areas with room for improvement."

"Oh do I now Rocky?" she shot back, quick to highlight he was far from perfect himself.

"Okay, okay I guess we're both a work in progress…" he laughed, accepting the fair challenge, "….and maybe the church thing _can_ wait until they're old enough to make their own choice."

"No."

"You don't want them going when their older?" he asked, now more disappointed than angry.

"All I remember of Sunday mornings is that they came after Saturday nights. I spent them alone and miserable vowing that if I ever had kids of my own then I would make damn sure things were different for them." Biting her lip lightly Olivia reached out and stroked Sam's cheek as he dozed off and smiled, "When Evie came home yesterday she literally bounced through that door. She was so excited about the magic fishes and the cookies and there was so much joy in her little face…" looking up at Elliot she lost her voice momentarily.

"If you're not comfortable….."

"God and I have some things to figure out and I don't make any promises there…" shrugging with an openness borne out of implicit trust in him she shrugged, "…. but I believe in you. So consider this me bending."

"You're gonna let me take them? Every Sunday?"

"No _we're_ gonna take them….." sometimes she drove him to the very brink of insanity and others, in one simple glance, one sentence she could make him fall in love with her all over again, "… it isn't fair for me to judge something I have no real experience of."

"Seriously?" he asked softly, overwhelmed by not only the gesture but the smell of her freshly bathed skin and the way her robe hung loose in a deep v over an ample cleavage.

"Well that and I heard they give you free cookies." She shrugged, catching his eyes and lifting them up from her chest.

"Thank you….." he murmured, leaning in and kissing her softly, "… you don't know how much it means to me."

"Yeah….." she countered, mirroring his smile and nodding steadily, "… yeah I do."

* * *

"Where is she Fin?"

"Detective Munch….." declared Fin with a flamboyancy that neither suited him nor sat comfortably with his long term partner, who stood in the doorway of his apartment with his brow furrowed in a deep set frown, "… to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?"

"I don't know why it is but you people just keep taking Cragen for a fool."

"I'm not sure I know what you're….." began Fin, the conversation increasingly uncomfortable as he stood under no illusion that Munch knew exactly what game he was playing.

"He's sick not stupid. Rollins goes missing from an undercover op in Atlanta and you call in sick the next day? How is that strep throat anyway?"

"Thriving."

"This isn't going to end well for either one of you. I want you to know that. I want you to hear me when I say that you need to unpick this mess and fast. Cragen won't throw either of you under the bus but he can't help you if you're lying to him….." and then, because the visit was not entirely business John added, "… none of us can."

"I appreciate you coming round John." Said Fin with a determined nod and dismissive gesture toward the door.

"You're not the only one with something to lose here Fin. Do you have any idea what this will do to Cragen if they find out he knew where she was all along?"

"He didn't know….." with a slow, deliberate calm and steely gaze at his friend Fin instructed, "….and neither did you."

"I hope to God you know what you're doing." Sighed Munch, tired from this round but far from ready to give up the fight. Not all for the love of his partner but also firm in the belief that whatever had driven Amanda Rollins out of Atlanta must've been beyond words. She was not a runner and Fin was the best judge of character he knew.

"I'll see you tomorrow old man." Replied Fin evasively, seeds of doubt planted in his mind as he felt what it was to be on the wrong side of the fence. He had never once been in opposition to Munch and the fear in the older man's eyes troubled him deeply. Had he lost his head to those little girl lost eyes that had shown up on his doorstep.

"He's right you know."

"It's fine. It's all good. He's gone now….." said Fin as Amanda stood in the bedroom doorway with her head hung in shame, "….you okay with pasta again for dinner only I didn't get to the store."

"I killed a man, Fin."

"Peach you don't have to tell me…"

"I shot him. I shot him twice."

"It's not like we haven't all been there. It's nasty and it's messed up but its part of the job. In uniform or undercover makes no difference you do what you gotta do and you deal with the consequences. If your life was in danger then you were absolutely right to…."

"He was unarmed."

"But he…." floundered Fin, seeing in her eyes that there was nothing to reach for and he was grasping at thin air.

"And he was running away."


	8. Everything Is Not Okay

**_Just want to add a disclaimer that this chapter contains very adult themes and so the rating should be higher - just to warn people :) Thanks for your continued support - as always all feedback is much welcomed and I take it all on board! _**

* * *

"She's beautiful."

"Thanks."

"How old is she?" asked Olivia, twisting slightly in the uncomfortable plastic doctor's office chair she'd been sat in for the past fifteen minutes.

"Four months…." the bashful looking teen beside her crossed and uncrossed her legs repeatedly, while almost anxiously jostling the unfazed infant on her lap, "… yours?"

"Three and a half…." there was a strange unsettling in Olivia's stomach as she casually swapped Sam to her other shoulder and searched the strawberry blondes face for why, "….he's just small for his age."

"I got the opposite problem. They said that I was doing everything right but I fed it too much….." the way she bounced the little girl up and down became almost desperate as the teen added, "…. but that's what you're supposed to do. Right?"

"My name is Olivia….." though she may not have been wearing her badge the ties that bind held fast as Olivia reached out and lay an ever so gentle hand on the young woman's wrist, "… and you are _not_ the only one struggling. Trust me."

"I'm trying really, really hard….." and it was written all over her face, thought Olivia, in heart breaking shades of pain and loneliness, "… but I don't think I can do this."

"I know sweetie, believe me I understand but…."

"No you don't!"

"I…."

"That's a nice ring you've got there….." walking the fragile line between tiny bird and the kind of anger the likes of which Olivia had seen all too many times the girl spat, "….good guy is he?"

"Yeah, yeah he is."

"Then you _don't_ understand."

"Okay, okay I don't….." nodded Olivia slowly, instincts kicking in as she held Sam fast against her chest and slid slightly forward in her chair to fully engage with the terrified teen, "…. but if you wanted me to I'd like to try?"

"Why?" came the scoff in response as the girl held her child at arm's length while attempting to pacify her with pleas to be quiet. "So you can go back to your Housewives of the Upper East Side luncheons and tell them all how you pitied some pathetic kid at the doctor's office one day?"

"I was wrong before. I don't understand you, sweetheart….." narrowing her eyes in an attempting to broker a tentative trust Olivia spoke with a steady calm, "… what's your name?"

"Why'd you care? Why'd you keep on at me? How the hell can someone like you ever even begin to….."

"It's a hundred degrees in this office but you can't bear to take off that coat. It's barely ten in the morning and you smell like vodka cranberry. You flinch every time a man walks through that door….." she was out of order, over the line, lost in a heady rush of maternal instinct but still Olivia added daringly, "…. and you called your daughter 'it' just now."

"Harley….." came the stunned swallow from a trembling bottom lip, "….my name is Harley."

"Harley I don't pity you. I'm not who you think I am I'm….." taking a breath Olivia smiled, "… what I'm trying to say is that if you're in any kind of trouble there are people who can help."

"Liv I am so sorry I hit traffic and….." flustered and lightly sweating Elliot touched Olivia's shoulder and caught his breath, "… I didn't miss it did I?"

"Olivia Benson?" came a monotone call from the doorway of the nurses' room.

"This is my card….." pinning Sam against her shoulder Olivia fished into her bag and pulled out a slip of cardboard before meeting Harley's eyes and holding them fast, "… you're not the only one struggling and I promise if you call I will always pick up."

"You're a police officer?" came realisation in the form of a murmur from Harley, whose eyes didn't leave Olivia's until the moment the nurse's room door closed.

* * *

"You be the prince."

"Okay, okay here I am. I'm coming into the castle to find my princess…."

"It's not a castle mommy!" smiled Eve with a patient correction of her mother's failure to grasp their imaginary world between glances at notes from Elliot's latest narcotics case.

"It isn't? Well then what is it baby? I can't find my gorgeous princess anywhere in the enchanted forest….." and then with a conviction that heartened Eve and reaffirmed Olivia's dedication to their play she added, "….and I've been looking for hours. My shiny silver boots are hurting my feet."

"It's a hopsical."

"A hospital…." corrected Olivia gently, careful to mask an amused smile lest Eve think she was mocking her, "….well what on earth is Princess Powderpuff doing in a hospital? Did she get hurt?"

"No she's having a baby…." which was, in Eve's mind at least, the only thing that ever happened there, "… it's a boy."

"Can Prince Shinyboots come visit the new baby?"

"Mommy!" He's _not_ called Shinyboots!"

"But they're just so _shiny _Evie Grace….." bored of make believe and seeking further entertainment Olivia flashed a beaming smile and launched at Eve with tickling fingers, "… they're so very, very shiny that I think he should be called Prince Shinyboots and…."

"Mama! Mama no! No!" screamed Eve, thrashing around on the carpet with euphoric delirium at having had her mother's almost undivided attention for an entire afternoon. "Don't stop!"

"I think we're missing out on all the fun in here son….." smiled Elliot, fighting his way in the door with Sam's car seat, diaper bag and an arm full of groceries, "….what's going on girls?"

"You're back early?" asked Olivia with just a slight shade of concern as she left Eve on the floor with her dolls and rose to greet her returning menfolk. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah, yeah no everything is great. He just got a little fussy so we decided to grab the groceries and head home. I fed and changed him but I couldn't get him to settle so figured he just needed….." as Olivia scooped Sam from his car seat and showered him with kisses and cuddles Elliot watched his son settle instantly and smiled with a nodding chuckle, "… and I was right. You just wanted your mom, didn't you buddy?"

"I think you need to take another look at whose delivering the flowers."

"What?" asked Elliot puzzled as he began to unpack groceries while Olivia danced around the kitchen with Sam on her shoulder.

"I reckon you've read it all wrong. Putting Baron in Rikers might be doing the world a favour but I don't think he's your guy. You said Danny wanted to take another shot at the dispatch drivers for the flower company?"

"Liv you gotta stop backseat driving my cases….." tutted Elliot with a roll of his eyes, "… you're supposed to be resting and relaxing and doing all the other things new moms do."

"Was I not a shining beacon of positivity with the nurse this morning?" challenged Olivia, never having quite fit the new mom mould even when she was doing it for the first time with Eve.

"You were Oscar worthy." Conceded Elliot, having been admittedly very proud of her for not launching at the poor, long suffering woman who had been assigned the task of convincing Olivia Benson she was not superwoman.

"And I'll have you know that I was Prince Shinyboots for three hours straight this afternoon. I slayed dragons, I vanquished bad guys and I may or may not have fathered Princess Powderpuff's first child."

"Wait what?" pulling a face Elliot glanced over to Eve who was babbling a very intense conversation between two gaudily dressed dolls.

"I think she's got babies on the brain….." dismissed Olivia before moving swiftly back to the original issue, "… my point is that there was more than enough time in between my new mom task list to read over your case notes and conclude that your partner is right and you're wrong."

"You do realise that you only get to be a pain in my ass at home and not at work anymore, right?" asked Elliot, with little doubt that he had no real choice in the matter. "Besides….." realising he was taking the bait and catching himself he shook his head and smiled, "…. so what's on the cards for tonight then? Leftovers from that Indian I didn't actually hate? You want me to do stir fry."

"That's gonna be your party trick till the end of time now isn't it?" she smiled fondly, amused that the great carnivore Stabler had finally been wooed by an army of vegetables and a wok.

"I'll take that as a no then shall I."

"I spent the day with Alex yesterday and we're no longer speaking." Before he could take her literally she cracked a half smile and rolled her eyes, "She staged an intervention."

"Wine with lunch?"

"Apparently my grace period of elastic waist bands and eating every meal in front of the television expired."

"It did?" asked Elliot, daring to hope but not to show it.

"It did…." confirmed Olivia, patting Sam's diaper with a rhythmic repetition and sighing as though to steel herself for what was to come, "…. and consequently there is a dress for me to winch myself into, a dinner reservation and Fin is awaiting delivery of our children."

"We're going out?" despite her best efforts Olivia's face softened to a smile at the adorable little boy excitement in Elliot's face at the prospect.

"Jackie didn't have any major new concerns this morning, at least nothing we didn't already know about….." stroking Sam's cheek gently Olivia met Elliot's eyes and shrugged, "…so I'm happy to leave him with Fin if you are?"

"We're going out!" declared Elliot euphorically, leaning over her knees to grab his cell phone and dial their Fairy Godfather.

* * *

"You're back."

"I needed some time to process." In reality there had been little to process as Fin had waited all of a minute after Amanda's confession before he'd bolted from his apartment. It was too much to take in with her eyes on him. Watching, waiting, needing more from him than he believed himself able to give. She had done murder and there felt to be no grey area in which to hide from that.

"And?" she asked, swallowing slowly and knowing the ice on which she skated was painfully thin. Tread too heavily, apply pressure on a weak spot and she would plunge to an inevitable death. "What I mean is…." lowering her eyes and pulling the sleeves of her sweater down over her hands Amanda asked quietly, "… can I at least explain?"

"You shot an unarmed man in retreat….." said Fin, the words burning his tongue to speak them, "….what can there possibly be to explain Rollins?" It had been so long since he'd called her that she felt a prickling chill spike the back of her neck.

"Benson and Stabler will be here any minute with the babies….." she deflected, reaching for her coat and preparing to make herself scarce, "…. I should head out."

"What did he do to you?" asked Fin, reaching out and taking the brown leather jacket ffrom her hand. Though he may have spent a long night on Ken's sofa in stupefied disbelief he had come to the conclusion that though his rational mind told him there was nothing to excuse her actions something in his gut urged him to listen. She was not a murderer.

"I'd never seen someone give birth before. I could only imagine. I see my cousins, my friends with their babies and I can only assume it's worth it but I'm not convinced. It was an old slaughterhouse we were held in. It hadn't been used in years but the whole place smelled like death and rotten. Held like cattle. I saw something in her eyes Fin. I knelt between her legs and pulled that child out of her not having a goddamn clue what I was doing and when I looked up and into her eyes….." catching her breath, still standing in the middle of Fin's living room Amanda choked, "… I saw her die inside."

"Peach where the hell did they send you?" murmured Fin, grabbing at her hand and drawing her to the sofa where they might sit together. "What was your cover?"

"She was eleven years old….." shaking her head with wide unblinking eyes Amanda breathed, "….babies having babies."

"Amanda?" he pushed, needing to read the first chapter before he could understand the ending.

"The rich white folk were supposed to believe they were rescuing poor little black babies from war struck countries in Africa. Some of them were teary and desperate. Some of them were self-righteous idiots fancying themselves Atlanta's answer to Madonna and Angelina Jolie."

"Only they weren't rescuing babies from Africa?" sighed Fin, a sick reality dawning.

"It was a zoo. They were breeding humans. He used those girls like ovens to bake his product….." he had never heard her speak this way before, darker than any shade he had ever witnessed her paint as she muttered grimly, "….and sometimes he made me watch."

"What happened that night?"

"I told my captain. I told him over and over again that we had to go in there. He wanted to wait. He was convinced they had operations all over the US and he wanted to go higher up the food chain. Our guy wasn't enough he needed whoever was over him. I told him we couldn't wait. I told him **I** couldn't wait. Only I had to. I couldn't leave. I couldn't leave them. If I'd said I wanted out of the op….." closing her eyes and crying silent, devastated tears Amanda whispered, "…. I couldn't _leave_ them."

"Come here…." offered Fin, sliding his arm around her shoulders.

"No, no I have to finish…." she insisted. For she knew that if she didn't tell him it all now she would never be able to go back there again this way.

"I'm right here…."

"She named the baby Dolly. There was always some country station playing from a diner across the street and it came in through the cracked windows. Kali fell in love with Dolly Parton because she said even when she didn't understand the words she could feel the songs." Turning away from him because she couldn't bear the weight of his concern Amanda continued, "One day I came home from visiting a prospective set of parents and I found one of the other girls nursing Dolly. I asked her where Kali was and she didn't answer. She didn't have to. She'd tried to escape. She'd made a run for it with Dolly and he made an example of her for it."

"My God….."

"He came back and started talking shop about how much I thought I could from the family I'd been to see. Putting a price on Kali's baby before her body was even cold. I could've handled it. I was doing fine until they brought in the new shipment. Shipment; like they were bananas or sugar cane or cocaine. I watched his guys parade five little girls in to meet him and watched his eyes eyeing them like a shark smelling blood. I lost my mind. Something snapped. Something broke. I broke."

"Peach I…."

"There was a struggle and I got possession of his gun. Everyone ran screaming for the door and then it was just him and me. We were alone in the room and I had a clear shot. I could see the look in Kali's eyes when I delivered her baby and I saw her bleeding to death in an alley somewhere and most of all I saw all those baby girls and what I knew he'd do to them….." her whole body shook and the words trembled from her mouth as Amanda rasped, "… and I pulled the trigger."

* * *

"Good evening, sir. Can I begin by getting you both a drink? I can highly recommend our vodka martinis…."

"Sounds great for me….." nodded Elliot with a pondering smile, scanning his eyes across the drinks menu before closing it and deciding, "… but she'll have another house white, thanks."

"Excellent….." smiled the dapper waiter with a flash of unnaturally white teeth, "…. I'll give you some more time with the menu before I take your food order."

"Actually you know what I think we're good to go we had a little time to browse the menu at the bar." Said Elliot, wondering quite what Olivia was doing in the bathroom that was taking her so long and at what point he ought to grow concerned.

"No problem at all, what can I get you?"

"I'll take the prawns to start and then the pork….." hungry and seeing no reason not to order and speed up the arrival of his food Elliot continued "… and she's gonna have the bruschetta and the steak for her main."

"And how would the lady like her steak, sir?"

"Medium to well done."

"Wonderful and would she like the steak with fries or potatoes?"

"Fries would be great…." decided Elliot without giving it too much thought, setting down the menu and adding with a fond smile, "…. and really give that steak some heat. If she sees blood or thinks it could survive with the help of a good vet she freaks out."

"Can I feel my ears burning gentleman?" asked Olivia, sliding back into her seat with a sideways glance at the waiter as he politely excused himself and hurried off with their order.

"I was just making sure your steak wasn't still mooing on arrival."

"Did I tell you I wanted fries with it?" she asked, raking sideways bangs from her eyes and looking to him.

"I took a lucky guess you're good." It had not been simply a lucky guess, they both knew. Never in all the times they had eaten out together had she ordered anything but fries and she always took issue with the way upscale restaurants cooked their potatoes for some reason. "You called again didn't you?"

"No."

"Liar."

"Don't you give me a hard time as well….." she groaned, rolling her eyes heavenward as she slid back into her seat and set her cell phone down on the table beside her knife, "…. I've already been given the hard word by Fin."

"He's been looking after Mouse longer than I have and she's a freakin' angel for him compared to the run around she gives us….." chuckled Elliot, reaching across the table for her hand and interlacing his fingers in hers, "….and there's no one on the planet I'd trust more with Sam."

"It means a lot El. How you are with Fin these days….." pursing her lips Olivia hesitated before adding, "…. I know it wasn't always that way between you two."

"That's ancient history and it was mostly work related anyways. I won't ever forget everything he did for you….." time was a strange thing, mused Olivia inwardly, how the period Elliot had once enviously resented Fin for having with her and Evie was now something he was able to be grateful for, "….he's a good guy."

"Sorry that's me….." he hated it when she kept her phone out a dinner but wearing that plunge neck, eggplant cocktail dress he was fairly sure he could've forgiven her anything, "… it's an unknown number but I should take it."

"Go ahead." He granted, stroking circles at the veins of her wrist and waiting patiently.

"This is Olivia speaking….. okay, okay Harley slow down I can't understand you when you…..it's okay sweetheart just take a breath, can you take a breath for me?... what did you take and how long ago?...okay what's your address, honey? Where do you live because I'm gonna call 911 and then come for you, okay?"

"What?" asked Elliot, not dismissive of the obvious crisis but just slightly pained that their first date night in what felt like forever was evidently about to come to a crashing end as Olivia employed her badge number and called for a rush on an ambulance.

"El I'm really sorry I promise I'll explain it's just…. "

"Explain in the car….." he sighed, rising from his chair and throwing a note down on the table before heading toward their coats, "….where are we going?"


	9. I'm On The Edge With You

"Damn it."

"You can't pretend you're surprised babe….." sighed Elliot empathetically as they stood together outside Harley Jamison's hospital room, "… we both saw that coming."

"I'm not surprised Elliot. I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed that after all these years he doesn't trust my gut enough to let me run with this." Tapping her cell phone against her bottom lip Olivia mentally processed all that had been said in the conversation she had just had with Cragen.

"Liv just think about what you're saying. Of course he trusts your gut but you're not his detective right now. You're not anyone's detective right now. You weren't on the job when you took Sam to that doctor's office and happened to meet Harley."

"We're always on the job….." and then seeing the notion sit uneasily with her partner Olivia forced his hand and arched an accusing brow, "….well aren't we?"

"Would any other mom in that waiting room have made the connection you did with her? No, no probably not. But does that mean that Cragen is wrong for telling you to back off and let someone else handle this?" holding his ground with a level calm Elliot knew that his role in this moment was to force her to step outside of her blind desire to help the victim.

"He's sending two locum kids they drafted in from homicide while we're all on leave. I don't want some rookie used to having his victims cold making this any harder for her than it already is." Hands braced on the hips of her stunning evening gown and her fight face firmly in place behind kohl lined dinner date eyes and glossed lips. He had never loved her more but he wasn't giving in.

"A rookie like you were when we were first partners you mean?" he couldn't help but smile, remembering those days with a deep fondness. Though she was every bit as beautiful as the moment she'd first walked into his life almost two decades ago the job had aged her emotionally in ways anyone outside of it couldn't understand.

"If only Rollins wasn't AWOL and Fin wasn't…."

"At home babysitting our kids?" offered Elliot. It was as much a blessing as a curse, they both realised with a weary groan, that their unit had become so entirely fused both professionally and personally. "Liv just think about this for a second. Besides when did going up against the captain ever work out for either one of us?"

"He's not always right." Standing her ground Olivia watched Harley staring numbly out of her window into the parking lot beyond.

"He's right on this one. You have no authority in that room. Without the power of your shield you're just a friendly stranger making a scared kid a lot of promises she's not got the muscle or influence to come good on."

"Elliot the girl tried to kill herself and Cragen sends her two twelve year olds to pick up the pieces…." shaking her head Olivia ran a hand through her salon quaffed hair and sighed heavily, "….she deserves more. You should've heard the way she spoke about her baby the other day. She needs my help."

"No, no she needs help period…." countered Elliot with a quiet persistence as he lay a hand on her wrist in a placating gesture, "… it just can't come from you this time babe. You have to walk away from this one."

"No I don't." Throwing his head back and closing his eyes Elliot physically bit down on his cheek. He couldn't fight her here and what's more at this point he was only half sure he wanted to. Heading after her his stride overtook her and he reached the door just ahead enough to open it for her. "What are you doing?" she asked, a little startled.

"You'd rather I waited outside?" he asked, having instinctively assumed they would work the case together the way they once had.

"You don't have to stay….." she half smiled, feeling a sudden shade of guilt in his willingness to be complicit in her defiance of Cragen's orders, "… you don't have to be here."

"That might've been true when we were partners on the job but despite what you seem to think you're not _on_ the job."

"El…." she began but he was quick to cut her off.

"Back then I could cheerfully stand back and watch you screw up safe in the knowledge Cragen would just find me a replacement and….."

"Elliot!" she cried mutedly, before relaxing her body language and staring at him with a softness she rarely showed. "I'm serious though you should go home. I'll call you and keep you posted but I at least want to stay until they've finished her psyche eval and I can figure out what they're gonna do about the baby."

"You sure you don't want me to stay?" he tested, uncertain of this new ground they were walking and admittedly a little nervous to leave her to her own devices.

"Can I ask you something?" equally unsure of her boundaries Olivia almost held her breath as she genuinely sought his answer. "Do I make you crazy?"

"What?" he asked, as amused by her quizzical expression as he was curious as to where she was going with her line of questioning.

"Do you just feel obliged to put up with me now because of the kids and the ring and…." new to the concept of having a life partner and not just a career one Olivia was still ever doubtful of just how profound Elliot's love for her was. He cut her off mid-sentence with a smile, no stranger to reassuring her of his commitment.

"It's not about obligation. Okay maybe it is but not the way you're thinking."

"No?"

"Liv there wouldn't _be_ a ring if you didn't drive me crazy. You're a pain in the ass but I went into this fully aware of that fact. I've known who you are a long time….." leaving the rest of his sentiment implied Elliot leaned forward and kissed her lightly before stepping away, "… so I'm gonna go grab the kids from Fin's and you're gonna call me if you need anything okay?"

"Okay." She nodded gratefully, watching him walk away with a wash of relief. It was only a few moments however, a few quickened breaths, in which she allowed herself to feel all the things she had so long been afraid to. In which she allowed herself to admit that she had spent too many long, lonely nights alone at this hospital throwing her heart and soul into the lives' of strangers. A strange panic gripped her. A suddenly, liberating realisation that she had a choice. This job was not her life anymore.

"Hey Elliot? El?"

"You call me?" came a voice as Elliot reappeared around the corridor corner to find Olivia still glued to the spot where he'd left her.

"Don't go."

"Everything alright?" he asked, unsure as to quite what was happening but knowing that look in her eyes well enough to know that whether it be good or bad whatever decision she had made had been hard earned. "Hey?"

"It's only ten thirty so we've got a few hours left of Fin's good grace. Leave the kids where they are and let's try to salvage at least some of the evening."

"No, no Liv if you need to…."

"I'm gonna brief the nurse looking after Harley before we leave and then I'll come visit her first thing tomorrow." As he watched her quick mind rattle through her new plan Elliot simply held his silence and enjoyed watching her work, "I need to just trust Cragen's judgement on these kids' from homicide. Like you said he took a chance on me too once."

"And that one didn't work out so bad." Quipped Elliot, flashing a smile as she rolled her eyes at him.

"Give me ten minutes and I'll meet you in the car?"

"I'll be waiting," nodded Elliot reaching into his jacket pocket for the car keys and heading off down the corridor with the bounce back in his step.

* * *

"Oh baby boy what's all this fussin' about?" cooed Amanda Rollins, feeling an unusual maternal rush at seeing the littlest Stabler's pinky red face squawking in his crib. With Eve having long ago claimed possession of Fin's only viable guest space, and it in reality being nothing more than a glorified closest, the baby had been relegated to a corner of Fin's bachelor bedroom.

"Did you wake up all on your lonesome little guy?" bending down and sliding her hands securely under the tiny torso, still struggling to get back to his fighting weight after such a premature entrance into the world Amanda drew Sam up to her chest and pinned his warm little body snug against her. "You smell like your mama, little legs. Is that who you really want here? Is it, honey?" murmuring reassurances into Sam's temple Amanda kissed the soft shocks of dark hair and noted that though Eve may have been every inch a Daddy's girl her brother had the look of his mother.

"You are one handsome son of a gun Sam Stabler. There are gonna be broken hearts the length of his city once you're old enough to start chasin' girls. Oh boy are you gonna have your pick of 'em. You and your sister sure won the gene lottery with your mama and daddy. Oh are you feeling better now little legs?" soothed by her syrupy southern tones Sam settled contentedly into the nook of Amanda's arm and stared up at her with saucer eyes and fascination.

"I didn't know you were so good with babies."

"There's a lot you don't know about me Odafin…." she replied softly as Fin appeared in the doorway with a lazy smile that drew wider as she added, "…. I have many hidden talents."

"Evie's down for the night. She doesn't understand why Ferdinand wants to smell the flowers because according to Little Miss, bulls are supposed to fight. Apparently it's just what they do."

"Can you _imagine_ Evie as a teenager?" sighed Amanda with a fond roll of her eyes. "That stubborn little madam is gonna give her parents hell. Fire in her belly….." nodded Amanda with a sage smile, "… that's what my mama used to call it."

"Fire in her belly….." smiled Fin as he wandered over to the crib, "… wonder where she got it from."

"Whereas I reckon Little Legs here is gonna be the strong silent type, aren't you?" she cooed, patting Sam's diaper as his eyes contentedly dipped and dozed at the soothing motion of her back and forth rocking. "He's just taking it all in. Figuring everything out. You don't miss a thing, do you buddy?"

"Sometimes I can't even wrap my head around all the shit that's gone down these past couple of years, ya know?" sighed Fin, lifting a hand to gently stroke along the crown of Sam's head. "These are Benson and Stabler's kids we're sitting for. When the hell did that happen?"

"You don't always see it coming….." swallowed Amanda quietly, moving her eyes from Sam for the first time to glance across at Fin and meet his gaze, "… you just sudden realise you don't remember what it was like before."

"Peach what you told me…."

"I don't wanna talk about it Fin."

"I know you don't."

"And you can take that look off your face as well….." she muttered, narrowing her eyes and adding, "….like I don't already know what I gotta do."

"So do it…" he replied quickly, before she had time to draw breath on her statement, "… you know I'm right here with ya."

"I just need a little more time. I need to figure out what this looks like on the other side. No one ever thinks about that. Sometimes things come at you out of the blue and you have no control over when and how. I do this time. The second I go to Cragen my whole life goes into free fall and everything changes….." staring across at him with eyes that wordlessly spoke of how deeply she cared Amanda added, "… and I don't know what that will mean for…."

"For us?" he asked, never having defined them in such a way aloud or even in thought until that moment.

"Fin there is no us."

"I…."

"There's just you and me and ten thousand feet of crap piled on top of us that's right about to get thicker and no matter what either one of us might want…."

"I know what I want…." he said boldly, seeing little point at this stage in his life or at this stage in the game of withholding his cards, "….and I'll wait if I have to."

"How can you be so sure it's what you want? It was Melinda Warner you wanted not that long ago and I've seen the way you are with Olivia so…."

"You can't be indifferent and jealous at the same time Peach….." said Fin plainly, bending down and kissing Sam's forehead before sloping from the room with a sigh, "… you just can't."

* * *

"You know we've sat here like this once before….." said Elliot through a mouthful of hotdog as he and Olivia sat on the steps to her apartment building, "….remember? Back when we were still partners?"

"Back when I could still see the floor in my apartment?" she quipped, wiping ketchup from the corners of her mouth and smiling at how deliciously ordinary her life had become. "Back when I had a waist?"

"Can I ask you a question?" reaching for another beer Elliot popped the top with his teeth and added cautiously, "You don't have to answer but…."

"That your second?" though he was more relaxed Olivia had an absolutely concrete rule that no one drove her kids with a drop of alcohol in their system. Consequently if Elliot was on his second beer she wasn't reaching for a first. "I guess I'm on pick up duty then."

"Relax….." opening a bottle for her Elliot winked, his blue eyes catching the light from the street lamp behind her, "…. no one is. When I called Fin to arrange a time he said Evie was already down for the night and Sam as good as. He said it made no difference to him if they stayed there till morning."

"Yeah?" he had momentarily feared she might not be comfortable with having Sam stay overnight in a strange place or indeed of his agreeing to it without her and yet she just smiled. Taking the beer from him she took a long sip and allowed herself to feel relieved that for the first time in as long as she could remember she could completely relax, "Then I suppose you can ask your question now."

"The last time we sat here you told me that I was the longest relationship you ever had. How did that happen? How did someone like you not end up married right out of high school?"

"If you could've seen the guys in my graduating class then….."

"No, no I'm serious. You always had tonnes of guys interested…." persisted Elliot, ignoring her attempts to deflect, "… why'd none of them ever stick?"

"I don't know. They just didn't."

"Fair enough…." he shrugged, knowing her well enough to sense when he had pushed too hard. Not wanting to sour the evening he flashed a smile and made reference to the unusually mild climate that evening while she took long steady swallows from her beer and stared off into the distance.

"In my teens I was desperate to marry anyone with enough money to buy me out of the life that was slowly killing me." And then there it was, that element of painfully vulnerable surprise that she carried. Her walnut exterior that held the rest of the world at bay and protected her from a hurt she had learned to expect became irrelevant in his presence. Given a moment to think about who it was asking her the question Olivia softened, and spoke as though unto herself she trusted him so intimately. "In college I played the stereotypical sorority girl and didn't give a damn about any one of the guys I let parade me around."

"You must've broken a hell of a lot of hearts." He wasn't joking even in the slightest realised Elliot, imagining just how many lovesick college boys must've given their heart and jacket to the beautifully tragic Olivia Benson.

"Then before I knew it I hit thirty, joined SVU and no matter how hard I tried after that no one was ever gonna stick." Setting down her now emptied bottle Olivia reached for a second and handed it to him to open, not because she couldn't do it herself but because she knew he liked to think she couldn't.

"Because the job took over your life?" he asked, with no judgement implied.

"Because I met you….." she replied without hesitation, taking the beer back from him and pulling her lips to a steady smile.

"You dated tonnes of guys when we were partners…." ventured Elliot, watching her pull a face and stopping mid-sentence.

"Thanks for the 'tonnes' there babe!"

"You know what I mean."

"I do and I tried. I really did and God knows they did to. Cassidy gave me his best shot. I kept Porter hanging for years without ever really letting him get close. Then I don't need to tell you the way I treated David."

"And somehow I'm getting the blame for all this?" grinned Elliot, never happier to accept responsibility in all his life.

"You were under my skin right from the start….." it was the first time he had heard her actually say it out loud and his whole body flushed hot as she slid along the step and reached out a hand to the nape of his neck, it was cold from hugging the beer bottle and as her fingertips worked under the collar of his shirt and stroked gently he swallowed hard, "….and it never went away."

"Liv…."

"They were good men and I could've had a life with any one of them but it would never have been enough and I knew it. I came so close with David and I have never wanted to want someone more in my whole life. He was everything anyone _could_ ever want in a man…." laughing with what was now the fond sadness of a fading memory Olivia scooted until their bodies were nestled beside one another and tilted her head to rest on his shoulder, "….but I just wanted you."

"Why'd you never say anything?" he asked, even though they both knew exactly why. "Why'd we wait all this time?"

"Your kids were so little back then and I thought you and Kathy were happy. By the time I realised you weren't things had gotten complicated. It got so there was too much to lose I guess."

"Do you ever think about where we'd all be now if we hadn't had too much to drink that night at the police ball?" asked Elliot, as another hour slipped easily away and another round of beers was opened. "I'd still be back home going round on round each night with Kathy. You'd be living happily ever after in Boston with Haden, and Mouse and Sam wouldn't even exist."

"No I wouldn't."

"What?" he asked before realising suddenly that she had come out without a coat and removing his suit jacket to drape around her shoulders as the night chill set in.

"Even if we hadn't had an affair, even if I hadn't gone to the ball that night, even if I hadn't fallen pregnant with Evie it wouldn't have made any difference in the end. David could've given me the whole world but it would still have been you. It would always have been you."

"Hey, hey where are you going?" he asked in faux distress as she clattered her heels to the curb and ditched their empty bottles in the recycling box there. Watching her every movement as she walked, bent, stood up and turned back to look at him Elliot's jaw hung unconsciously agape. Though her curves may have been fuller and the smile lines at her eyes a little more pronounced she had hardly aged at all in the time he had known her. She was breath taking and he wanted her, no needed her, in a way that he had never wanted any woman he had ever known. Getting up from his seat he finished his last swig and walked the bottle down to her.

"So in answer to your question: the reason it never stuck with any other guy….." wandering to meet him with dawdling, teasing steps she took the empty and tossed it with a clink into the box , "… is you."

"You getting soft in your old age Detective Benson?" he observed with a smirk, grabbing at her waist and dragging her toward him. Squashing out the air between them he drew her tight enough to feel the heat of her body and the lock of her hips against him.

"Maybe….." she purred, moving one hand to the nape of his neck where she knew she knew he liked her touch and grazing the rising in his pants with the other, "…. but you're not."

"Guilty as charged….." leaning his forehead against hers he shamelessly moved his hands to her buttocks and gave them a possessive squeeze murmuring, "… you look incredible tonight."

"I hate to disappoint you but its all illusion….." finding his lips and kissing them with a smiling whisper she confessed, "… I'm pretty sure I could take a bullet in this underwear."

"It's not an illusion…." replied Elliot, coiling his arms tight enough around her wait to hoist her clear off the ground as he kissed her with increasing intent, "… it's the realest thing I've ever known."

"Put me down you idiot!" she gasped breathlessly, throwing her head back with a guttural laugh. "Elliot…." with a sharp intake of breath as hot kisses found her throat she snapped her head back and met his eyes, "….hold that thought….." reaching down for his hand she walked him inside heels clacking teasing his anticipation against the concrete.

* * *

"He asleep?"

"He's fighting it but those eyes can't stay open much longer….." smiled Amanda warmly as she wandered into the living room to find Fin sat with his arms folded defensively across his chest and the television at a dull hum, "….and he's not the only one."

"You tired?" he asked. It was easier to ask questions he knew she would answer, rather than the ones he wished she would. "You know you were pretty damn good with him. Both of them..."

"They're good kids." She sighed, forgetting their earlier tension and flopping down on the sofa beside him. Kicking her legs over Fin's she lay back and sighed exhaustedly.

"Did you miss the part where Evie covered me in flour this afternoon?" chuckled Fin, recalling his earlier baking session with his regular little Julia Childs. All arms and theatrics Eve had been quite a handful in the kitchen as he'd taught her the only recipe his mother had ever taught him. He made the best brownies in town and the only difference between the ones he had made with Eve and the ones he had made as a child were that hers wouldn't get you high.

"She's a nutcase but she's golden. Benson and Stabler have their flaws but you can't fault them as parents. They might only be little but those kids know that they're safe and their loved….." there was a sudden tinge of sadness in her voice as Amanda added, "….and it shows."

"God knows we work with enough kids to know what the opposite looks like."

"I don't know why the hell anyone would put themselves through it." Laughed Amanda, her eyes half closed as she stifled a yawn.

"Working SVU?" assumed Fin.

"Being a parent…." was the flippant yet cutting reply that left Fin speechless and reeling. "….they're cute as a button when you can hand them back at the end of the day but you couldn't pay me enough to have one of my own!"

"You know I'm actually pretty beat too….." he mumbled, brushing her feet from his lap and gathering himself from the couch, "…. I'm gonna hit the hay."

"Fin?" she asked, suddenly very awake as she saw what she could only describe as bitter disappointment in his face. "What's wrong?"

"There is no more time Rollins…" his dark eyes were resolute and his body tensed, "….we're going to Cragen first thing tomorrow."

* * *

"No, no, no…." rasped Olivia, her voice a husky bar room gravel as she sank her fingernails into the muscle of Elliot's back and dragged him back toward her, "…. don't stop!"

"It's okay, it's okay….." he panted, squeezing his eyes closed and swallowing hard as they came to that halting moment where he had to resist taking her that he found so exquisitely painful, "….it's okay babe…."

"I…." writhing against her high thread Egyptian cotton Olivia's mouth fell open as Elliot's expert fingers danced across her inner thigh and circled ever closer to her centre. It wasn't enough. She had made him wait long enough and for the first time in a long time she not only wanted to, but she felt ready to allow him more again.

"Lie still….." he commanded, leaning down and pressing his body against hers while crushing his mouth over any verbal protest she might make, "….just breathe…."

"Elliot I want you….." she managed, stifled by the ecstasy he could create simply by knowing her most intimate predilections, "…. I'm ready."

"Liv…." he tested, pressing one last kiss against her shoulder before lifting his head and searching her eyes for certainty, "…. only if you're sure? I mean I can…."

"You want a discussion Stabler….." she half gasped half yelped, rolling her eyes back and then staring at him with a ravenous need he now trusted matched his own, "… or do you want to fuck me?"


	10. Queen Of The Vanishing Point

"Mommy, mommy, mommy…" and then as if Fin's entire neighbourhood were not acutely aware of Olivia's pulling up on the street outside Eve added a exultant, "…. it's my mama!"

"She took her time a little this morning, didn't she baby girl?" smiled Fin, wandering over to the window with Sam nestled snug against his shoulder. Ruffling the little girls messy bed hair he remembered making a mental note to dig around her backpack for some kind of brush or comb but had become distracted. He had been distracted all morning, much to Eve's frustration, ever since waking to discover Amanda had performed a dawn vanishing act.

"Where's my boot Uckle Fin?" extending the lime green tight leg not completed by a little brown boot Eve pulled a puzzled face. "It's lost."

"It's not lost baby….." he smiled patiently, attempting to smooth a particularly wayward plume of increasingly thick dark hair, "….it's wherever you put it last night when you took them off."

"Manda did it."

"Huh." He said, realising that Eve's usually endearingly loquacious nature was about to make for an uncomfortable conversation with her mother. He was not about to make the child lie or concoct some creative story to keep Amanda's visit from Olivia and so he simply sighed and accepted the inevitable. "Go look by your bed real quick while your mom finishes parking."

"Okay!" nodded Eve, ambling with one boot and one trailing barefoot peg leg to her adopted bedroom.

"Is that Evie chaos I can hear?" called Olivia, hearing objects being hurled around in the distance as she stepped inside Fin's apartment.

"Mommy, mommy, mommy! I found it….." bursting from the bedroom waving the missing piece of footwear like a triumphant battle flag Eve ran into Olivia's arms as she crouched down waiting for her, "….my boot!"

"I missed you baby girl. Here sit down and I'll lace it for you…" as Eve hit the carpet with a thud and her eyes danced over every inch of her beloved mother, unable to contain her excitement at seeing her again after just one night apart Olivia smiled and asked, "….did you have fun with Fin?"

"Yes."

"Good to hear!" grinned Fin with a nod of satisfaction.

"And how was my little man? He settle okay?" asked Olivia, climbing back to her feet and holding her hands outstretched to steal Sam back from Fin's chest.

"Good as gold and out like a light. Didn't bat an eyelid about being in a strange bed or nothing."

"Does it make me a terrible person that I was secretly hoping you wouldn't say that?" winced Olivia, nuzzling her nose against Sam's temple and breathing in his familiar baby smell.

"Yeah, yeah it does."

"Fin!"

"Okay then how about I tell you he was miserable all night and cried for his mama the whole time he was gone?" he offered with a chuckle. Then having fully looked at her for the first time he noticed that the colour was back in her cheeks and the exhausted glaze had gone from her eyes. She was glowing and her eyes were sparkling again, "You have a good evening?" he asked with a impish smile.

"I've had worse." Though not one to blush she still felt a slight shade of guilty teenager flood her veins as Fin gave her the I know what you did last night smirk.

"Fin where's Manda….." tugging at the leg of Fin's jeans Eve presented a crayoned drawing and added, "…. I made her a picture."

"Rollins was here?" asked Olivia with interest, shifting Sam from the nook of her arm up onto her shoulder as she eyeballed Fin and watched his face for an answer.

"Amanda had to go baby girl but I promise if you leave it stuck to the fridge I'll give it to her the very next time I see her. Okay?"

"Okay!"

"Seriously Fin is she back in town?" realising that she was clearly not here Olivia persisted, "Where is she now?"

"Not here."

"Don't play me."

"I'm not. She isn't here and I have no clue where she is….." and then because as comfortable as she was to push he was equally able to push back, "…. now back off, detective."

"What the hell is going on?" asked Olivia with undemanding concern and unease rather than an accusatory tone. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine….." he replied with little conviction, before entreating, "…. just leave it alone Liv."

"Okay, okay sure….." she nodded steadily, her naturally tenacious curiosity and penchant for playing detective in the lives of those she cared about Olivia equally knew when to drop the bone, "….thank you so much again for having them."

"Anytime cheekbones…." sweetening the air between them once more Fin reached forward, seized her shoulders, and planted an uncharacteristically demonstrative kiss against her cheek, "… anytime."

As Olivia bundled the children down his apartment stairs and waited a moment while Eve turned back to wave to her favourite Uncle she felt ill at ease. Fin was only that affectionate when he has hiding something. He often drew her closest when there was trouble brewing with Ken or he'd had a particularly nasty fight with his ex wife, or Munch, or at one stage Melinda Warner. There was little doubt in her mind that her articulate toddler was neither blind nor stupid and that Amanda Rollins had spent the night at Fin's place. It was not that fact which unsettled her, but the evident haste with which she had left and the profound effect it was having on Fin.

* * *

"I was about to call in a domestic disturbance in the elevator….." smiled Cragen warmly as Olivia exploded into his office with Eve hanging from her left leg and Sam's car seat swinging from her opposing arm, "….and then you three showed up."

"Sorry Captain only you said it was urgent….." said Olivia as she set the car seat down and prised Eve from around her knee like a reluctant snake with a strong coil, "….and urgent these days comes with two little helpers I'm afraid."

"Elliot working today?"

"Yeah, yeah he went in early and was supposed to get done around noon but such is the life of a detective huh." Smiled Olivia with an accepting understanding that the only thing predictable about NYPD overtime in any precinct was that it was frequent and extensive. "So come on then, enough with the mystery. What am I doing here?"

"How would you like to come sit at my desk and draw us a picture Little Miss?" asked Cragen with a kindly smile as he pulled out his chair and gestured toward it with a hopeful glance in Eve's direction.

"That's a big chair." Noted the toddler as she came over unusually coy and clutched at a handful of Olivia's cardigan and lolled against her mother's arm as she sat in the chair opposite Cragen's desk.

"Oh don't you even try and pretend to be shy Evie Grace…." chuckled Olivia, patting Eve's training diaper and rolling her eyes as she gave her daughter a gentle shove toward the Captain, "… get your little butt over there and draw me something pretty."

"Okay!" forgetting her initial reluctance Eve set off at a skip and scrambled her way up onto the large leather office chair with all the eager enthusiasm of a squaddie on exercise.

"How are you Liv?"

"If anyone ever tries to tell you that having two in two is a good idea….." replied Olivia with a fond groan as she rocked Sam's car seat with her foot to settle him, "… they're either lying or on something stronger than the coffee that's keeping me functioning."

"That isn't going to make what I have to say any easier."

"What isn't?" she asked, not quite catching his meaning. "My escalating caffeine addiction?"

"I needed to feel like I was still a part of something."

"Captain…."

"I'm a stubborn son of a bitch but I'm only human. I needed to believe that there was still somewhere I belonged. That there were still people out there who needed me."

"Why are you talking like this?" though she knew was in remission it made her acutely uneasy that he was suddenly talking with such finality in his tone. "What's going on, captain?"

"I'm getting old Olivia….." leaning forward slightly Cragen observed Eve's developing drawing and played broodingly with her tiny, tuff of ponytail, "….that's what's going on."

"Okay now you're just starting to scare me so…."

"I can't hold my own the way I used to do. I used to have the kahunas to knock all the Ivy League jokers who fly in from the outside without a clue about this job off their pretentious perches. Now I sit with the brass in the meetings I used to enjoy like sport and I can't play the game. I sit holding my cards and I can't read their hands anymore. I'm cautious, I'm hesitant, I'm afraid to run into the fire the way I used to….." and then leaning against the wall behind him Cragen lifted his hands and slid them into his pant pockets with a weary sigh, "….mostly I'm just tired."

"You're came back to work from serious illness way too soon. There isn't a person in this precinct who doesn't admire you for but it that doesn't mean we agreed with it. You should've taken more time. You should've rested for another couple of months until you were back to your old self and…."

"I won't ever be back to my old self….." he spoke as though his mind was already made up and what exactly it was he'd decided she was afraid to know, "… don't you get it Liv?"

"I don't know that I want to."

"There's a little town called Carmel somewhere between Los Angeles and San Francisco. The people are friendly, the ocean is warm, the sun always shines and the pace is slow."

"You'd be bored out of your mind."

"Twenty years ago maybe….." smiled Cragen with a casual shake of his head, "….my sister lives out there."

"I didn't know you have a sister….." it struck Olivia that there were so very many things she didn't know about Donald Cragen, and that in all the crisis of his life never once had he known this sister to even so much as pick up a phone, "….but I do know you can't move to California!"

"It's time. It's been coming for a while and though it won't be immediate both the brass and I have long since accepted it as inevitable. They've been planning my replacement for weeks and this latest episode was just the excuse both parties needed to…."

"What latest episode?" she didn't miss a beat, he noted with a proud smile. Yet he was not about to share with her the truth and so with an equal agility he didn't so much as flinch when she assumed, "You mean your cancer?"

"Yes..." he said quickly, and then without pausing long enough for her to drawn breath he continued, "...now I know the detectives around here aren't exactly the biggest fans of change but sadly it's an inevitable by-product of life so they're just going to have to learn to suck it up. I hope that they'll have the good grace to respect my decision and not to fight me on a certainty."

"Captain…."

"I've made a lot of mistakes over the years and got a lot of things wrong but you are one of the few things I got right…" suddenly it were as if they were alone, they were the only two people on the planet and he was handing her the key to something vast, vacuous and unknown, "….in fact you might just be my greatest accomplishment Olivia."

"I wish you'd stay."

"I'll be here for a good few months yet. Given all the changes the 1-6 has seen in the past few months the feeling from the powers that be is that a handover period is needed to maintain stability. Amaro and Rollins will return, Fin and Munch with be partners again and I'll spend the next half year or so working alongside my successor."

"Okay fine, fine come on then let's hear who they're gonna send to blow the brass' hot air at us this time? Who's gonna run this show when you head out West to work on your tan?"

"You are."

* * *

"You didn't have to do that alone you know."

"Yes I did."

"I woke up and you were just gone..." said Fin as he reached the edge of the 16th precinct's rooftop where Amanda Rollins was stood staring out at the city below.

"If I hadn't come first thing I'd have lost my nerve."

"I would've come with you."

"I believe you….." replied Amanda as she turned her eyes momentarily toward him and flashed a sad little smile that both acknowledged his loyalty and affection while maintaining her careful guard, "… which is why I left before you woke up."

"What did Cragen say?" asked Fin, ignoring her iron will to constantly hold him at arm's length.

"He made some calls."

"Calls to who?"

"Damn it Fin the hell if I know!" losing her cool and tossing her hands in the air Amanda realised her own frustration for the first time. In truth she had no idea who Cragen had called or just what strings he'd had to pull on her behalf. She didn't want to know. Knowing would only make it harder to bear her guilt. "He said something about exit wounds."

"Exit wounds?" asked Fin as he span through a thick cloud of confused inability to understand. "So did he talk to Atlanta? Did he say what happens next?"

"What happens next is I take three weeks personal time….." it was as if for the first time she knew what it was to win a war and realise it still wasn't over, that victory was only victory if it brought peace, "…. and then I start back at SVU as though I never left. As though none of it ever happened."

"But it did happen." Said Fin, taking her so completely aback all she could do was turn and stare at him with her mouth forming soundless words.

"You know I got up this morning and I bought a bus ticket to Jackson because I knew a girl who works in the police department. I was gonna tell Cragen what I did and have him transfer me down to Mississippi and start over."

"Why didn't you?" tilting his head slightly Fin waiting patiently for the several moments it took her to voice an answer.

"Because of the way you're looking at me right now."

"Peach….."

"I'm tired Fin."

"I know you are." He nodded steadily as he maintained a physical distance between them but simply held her with his eyes.

"I'm tired of starting over every couple of years. I'm tired of always running. Running away and running toward something I can't never seem to find. I'm tired of always being so goddamn tired and alone. It's like every time I think I've got wherever it I'm going it's gotten further away. Does that even make any sense?"

"Not really…" shrugged Fin and unable to hold back any longer he stepped forward and reached a broad palm to her face, holding it and confessing simply, "….all I know is that whether you like it or not I'm in love with you."

"Fin…."

"And you can be scared and you can freak out and you can push me away all you like but I didn't save your scrawny white ass from drowning to walk away without a fight….." never having meant any words more in his life Fin felt the breath stolen from him and it took a moment for him to catch it back and add, "….because you're not alone anymore. You got me."

"I killed a man."

"You wanna play who's done the worst shit in their lives Peach I swear to God I'll bury you….." lowering his hands from her face to her waist he drew her to him and flashed a lopsided smile, "… so come on, what else you got?"

"Plenty. I could find a million and one reasons this is probably a really bad idea. I could find a million reasons to walk away….." her nose wrinkled and her eyes filled suddenly as Amanda looked up at him and shook her head with a crying smile, "…. but I don't want to."

"No?" he tested, as she shook her head with increasing confidence.

"You know this ain't gonna be easy….."

"Really? Because it's been such a cake walk so far that I thought….." laughing through tears she fell against his chest and clung there for a few moments, before pulling away and looking him dead in the eyes.

"I have a horrible habit of falling in love with anyone who's nice to me….." was the last thing he wanted to hear, but at least she was being honest he rationalised quickly.

"Well…."

"But when I thought they were gonna lock me up and throw away the key everyone I ever loved, everyone I ever knew was nothing to me. All I could think about was you. All I could think was what if I never saw you again. What if we never got to decorate our first Christmas tree? What if I never got to take you to Savannah? What if I never got to tell you that you terrifying me because falling in love is easy but the scary part is what comes next….." shrugging helplessly she drew a thin lipped smile and confessed, "….and I want what comes next with you Fin."

* * *

"Evie pick your jacket up its trailing on the floor. Evie, baby, look you're gonna drop your….." oh forget it, thought Olivia. Having already trailed the drawstrings of her jacket along half the sidewalks of Manhattan it seemed to make little difference if they suffered a few more meters until they were safely back in their apartment. It had been a long day and bundling both children into the apartment she couldn't wait to collapse on Elliot and tell him of Cragen's ridiculous proposal.

"PleasemayI watch TV?" said Eve, having nailed asking polite questions in one quick session having assumed that at least three of the words were all one. "PleasemayI have juice?"

"El are you okay to grab her some while I change Sam real quick?" asked Olivia, on spying her fiancée sat on the sofa in front of a football game. "Elliot?"

"Apple?" prising her little fingers down the side of the refrigerator door Eve had discovered the handle was really not necessary. Rummaging around inside she wrapped both hands carefully around the carton she guessed was the one she wanted, and hoisted it with careful furrowed brow concentration.

"Good girl pass it here and I'll pour some into your cup….." not taking her eyes from Elliot who was positively oozing brooding discontent Olivia dispensed a generous splash of juice into Eve's beaker and set her off in the direction of their bedroom where she could watch her own choice of television undisturbed, "….you go watch the TV in mommy's room okay? Good girl. "

"Thank you!" chimed Eve with a hearteningly automatic show of manners that reassured Olivia of her parenting abilities. They might live in a Manhattan shoe box and she may well have been at least considering a return to work but she was somehow managing to raise two happy little children. It might well have been fluke, or perhaps she had just gotten lucky with the two she'd been given, but she wasn't going to argue.

"Babe you will _never_ guess what Cragen wanted to talk to me about….." sidling around the sofa and collapsing down beside Elliot she closed her eyes and tipped her head back exhaustedly, "….but I'll give you three tries?" When Elliot said nothing she shook herself fully awake again as he reached down the side of the sofa and refreshed the glass in his hand from a half empty bottle of bourbon.

"El?" she tested, afraid suddenly of glazed expression on his face and the way his watery eyes were rimmed red and refused to meet her gaze. "Elliot what is it? What's wrong?" when still he said nothing she turned her whole body toward him, reaching out and laying one hand on his thigh and the other on his forearm with an urgent clutch, "Talk to me?"

"She's dead." He said finally and so under his breath she almost didn't catch it.

"Who is?" she half asked half swallowed the words.

"They called about three hours ago. She always used to say the ocean was the only place she felt free. It looked like it went on forever and..."

"Sweetheart…." she breathed, reaching out to his face and wiping a rare tear from his cheek with her thumb.

"She killed herself, Liv…" he choked, inkling his face into her warm palm and murmuring, "….my mom killed herself."


	11. Sanctuary, Sparkles And Absolution

"When we're little we're encouraged to life our lives in fairytales. Lights that sparkle in colours beyond imagination, nights that go on forever, and magic that tingles from the tips of your fingers to deep down places inside of you that no one will ever go. What sane person would want to leave that world? What sane person would want to live in a world of boundaries, and cruelty and mortality? I know I never did. And so I lived my life in fairytale. A Never Never Land of endless possibility. That was my only salvation. The only peace, the only quiet from the constant screaming and rushing of my mind. That and bourbon. Oh go on, laugh you bunch of miseries….."

"It's okay, it's okay Dad you can do it….." coaxed Kathleen, rising from her seat and moving to the front of the church to stand beside her father as his voice began to break.

"The only problem was I was alone there. In that magic place. In that daydream of my greatness. I couldn't bring my husband there. I couldn't bring my son. While you were little, dear Elliot, we could pretend and it was so wonderful. I could be the mother you always wanted me to be until you grew old enough and smart enough to realise the truth. That I wasn't strong enough to face reality. I wasn't strong enough to wake from dreaming and accept that to live in your world with you I needed to talk to the doctors, take the pills, fight the fight like my brave little warrior Katie. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. For that I will never atone."

"I can't….." rushed Elliot, screwing up the papers in his hand and making a desperate dive toward the aisle. Rushing from the church he left jaws gaping among the mourners, and Kathy and Olivia staring at one another in a helpless lockout.

"Every day I would stand looking out at the ocean and know that it was waiting for me…." came the voice that turned heads back to the altar as Kathleen stood beside her grandmother's coffin and read on where Elliot had been unable, "…. that magic place. The sanctuary and the sparkles and the absolution. The place where I'd be free. The forever without walls and chains and pills and the feeling like there is just never enough air. There's just never enough _air _my darling and it's suffocating me. This life is suffocating me and so I'm going to swim away. I'm going to swim until I can breathe again. I love you Elliot. I love you more than you or I will ever know. My boy, my son: the greatest man I never knew…."

"That was beautiful, honey." Smiled Kathy Stabler through stifled tears as she encouraged Kathleen back to her seat.

"That was Grandma." Came the stoic reply as by far the strongest of the Stabler siblings clutched her paternal grandmother's last words to the world.

* * *

"Well this is awkward."

"Thanks John, thanks for that….." snarled Fin, shooting his partner a sharp warning stare, "… you're really helping grease the wheels on this thing."

"The four of us all back here like one big happy family. All we need now is Benson and Stabler and it's just like old times….." and then gesturing to Amaro and Rollins perched on the ends of their desks Munch added with a wry smile, "… well a hybrid of the good old days with you two here I guess."

"Are we actually going to do any, you know, police work today?" asked Nick Amaro, returned from his prolonged absence with a fresh determination to remain focused, engaged and most importantly detached from the complex web of interpersonal relationships gripping the 16th precinct. At the very least he was determined to ignore the obvious tension between Detectives Tutuola and Rollins, "Or just sit around here chewing the cud?"

"We're still no closer to finding out who raped Harley."

"We would be if she'd just start talking….." replied Fin, turning to Amanda and trying desperately to pretend she was just any other detective and not the woman he'd spent the past week enjoying on every surface of his apartment, "… she knows exactly who he is."

"She knows at least enough to ID him that's for sure…." nodded Rollins, tapping a pencil against her thigh and finding it torturously difficult not to see Fin's hands as implements of bliss and not simply jointed appendages on the end of his arms, "….you think we should have one last crack at her before she's discharged from the hospital?"

"If Liv couldn't break her then….." proffered Munch with a mildly defeatist sigh.

"Benson isn't the be all and end all of his freakin' unit…." prickled Rollins, grabbing her coat and slapping Amaro on the shoulder, "…. grab your keys Nicholas we're going over to Mercy."

"We'll canvas the area around her apartment…." smiled Fin delighting to see Amanda's claws come out. Though there was nothing in his entirely platonic relationship with Olivia for her to be threatened by he did so enjoy her marking her territory. There was more than one big cat in the squad now and Rollins was not about to be treated as second rate.

"You know he's been in there all morning with The Woodentops….." leaning back in his chair to get a better view of Cragen's office Munch asked, "… anyone got any theories to offer?"

"Routine meeting?" offered Amaro as he put his coat on.

"Cragen's hiding something that's for sure….." flashing an uneasy glance at Amanda there was something in Fin that sensed all was not as it seemed, "…. he's been dancing around giving me a straight answer all week."

"Right enough chit chat we're hitting the road. Don't strain yourselves while we're gone will you fellas?" interrupted Rollins, putting an end to Munch's musing as she scooped up Amaro and propelled him toward the door.

* * *

"It was a beautiful service Kath."

"Thank you, thanks, it really was."

"Give my best to Elliot and the children?" said the pointy faced woman whose very round spectacles were from another time. Patting Kathy's arm repeatedly she flashed a pitying smile and shook her head from side to side, "He's a good man your husband. Bad things always happen to good people but it's a comfort he has a strong woman like you to get him through this."

"She's just old and mad as a hatter…." came a quiet little voice from beside Olivia as she hung back at a distance while Kathy and the children stood at Bernie's open grave, "…take it from someone who's a good judge of crazy and ignore her."

"You're not crazy, sweetheart." It was the first time Olivia had used any kind of affectionate term toward any of Elliot's children since she had become more than just his policing partner. She probably wouldn't have had it been Maureen or Lizzie she had found standing beside in the Fall chill.

"Like grandmother like granddaughter."

"Your grandmother was loved very much by every single one of these people here….." replied Olivia with a composed calm, "….old, mad, sane, insane….." and then unable to be anything but herself she couldn't help but flash a wry smile, "…. homewrecking."

"You're going for the humour?" noted Kathleen with a warm smile in return. "That's brave, detective."

"Not so brave….." widening her eyes and giving Kathleen's shoulder a playful poke Olivia arched a brow and added, "….only with you."

"Why me?" genuinely curious Kathleen stepped a little closer to the woman who would soon by law be her step mother. Then, when she knew her mother and siblings were out of ear shot added with an impish grin, "Because I'm not a smart ass like the other three brainiacs? I'm less likely to claw your eyes out for mom?"

"You think with your heart." Said Olivia, having somewhere along the line lost her ability to sugar coat and in all the sadness and tragedy of the day felt the need for a raw honesty. "It's not all about grades Kathleen."

"Maureen is working on her masters, Lizzie has the highest GPA in her class and my brother got into Brown. In my family it really is. I suppose I should be grateful though….." shrugging sadly Kathleen sighed, "…there's less pressure when no one ever expected anything from you in the first place. It's impossible to disappoint people that way."

"Colours beyond imagination? Nights that go on forever? And the magic that tingles from your fingertips? If one ever expected anything from you Kathleen then they're idiots…." turning to an awestruck Kathleen deep brown eyes, profound and bottomless stared intently.

"No one ever noticed me." It was as if for the first time, there in the grief struck quiet of a graveyard in Queens a connection was forged stronger than either woman was yet able to comprehend. Bernie's words has resounded deeper in Olivia than simply being those of Elliot's mother. She could feel Serena. She could see her in Kathleen's eyes: a woman with more life than life was able to handle. "And when they did it was only because I went crazy."

"You didn't go crazy you just…."

"You were there Olivia, you saw."

"You want to know what I see?" challenged Olivia quickly, turning away from the grave site and talking with that profound ability to empathise than had gotten her so many confessions over the years.

"Not really."

"I see the endless possibility that Bernie could never stay on her meds long enough to realise."

"You think you can get someone to watch the babies Tuesday night?" said Kathleen suddenly, having stared at the older woman for far too long to still be comfortable. There was something about Olivia. Something she could neither describe or explain, but it was a magnetism stronger than any fading resentment for the breakdown of her family.

"I can try….." frowning slightly Olivia asked curiously, "… why?"

"I have a ticket to this thing. It's stupid really. I just can bring one person and I thought if you were free….."

"If you want to go it's not stupid….." exhausted by the constant barrage of Kathleen's self-deprecation Olivia was determined, if nothing else, to convince her she was every bit as smart as her siblings, "….and I'll see what I can do."

"You still got the same cell number we used to text when we were younger?" asked Kathleen, reaching into her pocket and pulling out her phone. "Only mine's changed so I'll text you my new one…." and then almost as though she had to justify the steady weaving of a deeper connection between them Kathleen added, "… just so you have it."

"Okay."

"So my mom and Maureen are going out of their minds over there because dad isn't answering his phone…." though she carefully maintained a casual tone it was clear that Kathleen was equally concerned, "…. do you think they're right to freak out? Do you think he's okay?"

"I think he's an ass for making you kids worry about him today of all days…" sighed Olivia, knowing that the last thing the elder Stabler children needed in the wake of their grandmother's suicide was their father disappearing, distraught, and without a trace, "…. but he'll call when he's ready for company."

"How do you know that? How can you be sure he's okay?"

"I can't be _sure_ any more than anyone can be sure of anything, but I trust him. I trust that he just needs to go off and be mad as hell for a few hours, punch anything he comes into contact and be on his own for a while. I'll go pick him up later."

"Pick him up?" asked Kathleen, sensing the true reason for Olivia's composed calm. "Wait…." narrowing her eyes and realising that the relationship this woman had with her father was nothing like the one she had witnessed him share with her mother, "… you know where he is don't you?"

"I know where I usually go looking when he needs finding."

"Grandma was right."

"Right about what?" asked Olivia, rubbing her hands together against the biting cold.

"You get him."

"Elliot?" of course Elliot, but somehow it felt Olivia feel better to clarify as she attempted to read Kathleen's almost mesmerized gaze in her direction.

"She said that she stopped worrying about my dad the first time she heard him talk about you and she knew his marriage to my mom was over the day she met you at the beach. She said you understand him in a way that she never did….." and then with forgiveness in her eyes Kathleen acknowledged, "…. in a way that no one else ever could."

"What your dad and I did was wrong and that won't ever change….." and then because it needed to be said, just one more time before they were able to even think about moving on Olivia added, "… and I won't ever stop being sorry."

"What you and dad did saved his life….." she had the kind of spirit that comes just once in a generation, and Kathleen had that same wilful fire in her eyes that Olivia often feared in Eve's, "…. and I won't ever stop being grateful."

"Fin isn't working Tuesday….." said Olivia with a determined smile, "….you tell me when and where and I'm there."

* * *

"I'm drunk."

"I can see that."

"I can't remember where I parked my car."

"I'm glad."

"My mom is dead….." trembling at first Elliot's whole body shivered into wracking sobs as he slumped down against the bar and allowed his forehead to hit the oak with a thud, "… my mom killed herself."

"I know babe….." tapping lightly at his shoulder and sliding in close Olivia waited a second for him to respond before gathering him in her arms and hugging him tight, "…. I know."

"I gave up on her….." came the muffled sound from somewhere buried deep in her shoulder as she stroked at the thinning hair on the back of his head and repeatedly kissed at his temple, "….and she knew it."

"She knew you loved her. She knew she never made it easy but you loved her anyway….." squeezing him even tighter Olivia leant in to his ear and whispered, "… and she _loved _you Elliot, so very, very much."

"Promise me you won't give up on me?" he slurred, sobering enough to lift his head from her shoulder and stare her deep in the eyes. "No matter how much of a pain in the ass I am, how angry I get or how drunk I come home you won't ever give up on me?"

"Sure, sure no matter how much of a pain in the ass you are I won't give up on you."

"Are you just saying that because I'm drunk and you want me to get in the car?" he tested, knowing her all too well. "Because I know you used to lie to your mom all the time to get her to do what you wanted when she was….."

"Elliot!" giving him a forceful shove toward the bar Olivia's eyes blazed wild and burnt by his words.

"Promise me you're not ever gonna give up on me?"

"I already…." she began, before softening her gone and relaxing her stance, "….are you ever gonna give up on me?"

"No, no not even when you're really grouchy and you make me put all the lids back on things and when you…."

"As fun as this is how about we go home and….."

"Marry me?" said Elliot, grabbing at her upper arms and using her to steady himself as he rose from the bar stool he'd been perched on.

"Okay buddy you might not remember it right now but we already did this once. You already asked me and I already said yes which is why I'm stood in a dive bar trying to haul your drunk ass into my….."

"No, no not just someday, not just sometime in the future. Marry me today, marry me tomorrow, marry me soon. Marry me as soon as we can get a church and a white dress and red roses and…."

"A church? A white dress? Red roses?" challenged Olivia, pausing for a beat between each so that she could look him square in the eye and reminder her just exactly who she was and how every single one of the things he had listed was a discussion yet to be had.

"Okay so we've got some things to talk about first but….." stumbling over the words for a few moment, he simply stared her at her with a simple, helpless love and shrugged, "… but you're the sparkles."

"What?"

"The quiet place where the screaming stops….." drunk or not she didn't care because so rare was it that Elliot bore his soul in such a way and she could see past his eyes and into the man behind them, "….that's where you are."

"I love you and I won't ever give up on you….." reaching her hands to his face and cupping his jaw lightly Olivia leant forward and kissed his whiskey lips with a lingering reassurance, "…. I promise."


	12. Tangled In These Silhouettes

_**Just a little author's note to say that those who have been loyal for a while will notice that I've pulled the prologue from this. I write as I go along and in allowing the story to organically develop chapter by chapter I have ended up not being able to find a satisfying way to come full circle to that particular dialogue. Therefore it will be weaved into the main body of events instead. Apologies for confusion... I am still learning this craft and am a real novice at it most of the time! Hope you enjoy the new chapter anyway... a few less fireworks and a few more seeds being sown ;) xxx**_

* * *

"Again."

"Oh Evie baby I'm so tired….." slumped against the bath Olivia forced her eyes open and blinked repeatedly as her young daughter stared expectantly at her from across the room, "… okay, okay again."

"Row, row, row your boat…."

"Gently down the stream…." keeping her voice at a low whisper Olivia hugged her hands around her barely even dawn coffee and rocked dutifully back and forth as Eve did the same while sat upon the potty she now treated as a throne, "… merrily, merrily, merrily…"

"I wanna snuggle…." with the initial excitement of being awake in the middle of the night fading fast Eve gave a wide mouthed yawn and rubbed her eyes with both fists.

"No!" with mild panic Olivia held her mug and free hand outstretched in a stopping motion as she hurriedly turned her horror to a smile. "No, no baby we talked about this…." crawling across the bathmat she set her coffee down on the tile and stroked Eve's hair reassuringly, "… you gotta keep sitting until you go potty."

"I don't wanna." Neither do I thought Olivia with a sleepy smile.

"Honey you've been _so good _all night you can't give up now. Remember how you don't want to wear your diaper in bed anymore…."

"Is for babies….." nodded Eve earnestly, having had a constant battle with the hot, stuffy, itching it brought her ever since she was old enough to be able to realise it was the cause of her discomfort, "…. and I'm a big girl."

"Yes you are sweetheart and you are _so smart_ waking mommy up when you knew you needed to go and I promise I'll get up with you every time you ask but when I do….." laughing exhaustedly to herself Olivia rubbed Eve's back and entreated, "….you _gotta_ go potty Evie. We're not gonna just sit here and sing songs all night."

"I like singing songs with you mama." In truth their new night time toilette ritual was the only time Eve got her mother alone. Between Elliot's grief and Sam's continuing struggle to gain weight there has been little time left for the one on one time with Olivia she so adored.

"I tell you what baby girl…."

"What?" asked Eve, her little eyes dancing up at Olivia as she absentmindedly stroked at her mother's arm lest she venture too far away.

"Oh Evie I do love you….." with a breathless laugh Olivia bent down and pressed a kiss against Eve's cheek and just soaked her in for a moment.

"My tummy hurts."

"I bet it does baby! It's because you gotta go. Your tummy hurts because it's full of milk and juice and all the yummy things you drank with Alex yesterday. Okay listen up kiddo here's the deal. You go potty and I _promise _that we'll sing songs more. Tomorrow we'll just hang out here _all day _and we'll sing songs and play games and draw pictures and….."

"Uh oh…" holding her breath for a moment Eve's face turned from a look of panic to euphoric victory as it lit up with a big smile, "….mommy I tinkled."

"You did?" pulling her lips to an exaggerated face of surprise Olivia acted the part Eve loved to see and she loved to play.

"I did! You wanna look!"

"Oh you bet I do clever girl….." as Eve leapt up to present Olivia grabbed her and bear tackled her into a hug, "… good job, baby. I am so proud of you Evie!"

"I'm a big girl!"

"You sure are….." and then feeling her breath catch Olivia knew that this was the moment it started, the exact second she would look back on as the one where Eve stopped being a baby and started becoming even more of a little person than she already was, "….you sure are Evie Grace."

* * *

"Mouse showed me her pee like it was holy water this morning….." she could hear the hangover in Elliot's voice as he sloped into the kitchen and slumped down over the breakfast bar, "….do I take it she was dry last night?"

"Yeah, yeah I don't know how many more times I can get up at 3am but I'm still calling it a victory."

"Liv I'm sorry."

"It's fine I don't really mind it's just a faze it won't last for…."

"No….." catching the elbow that wasn't supporting Sam's head Elliot stopped her from moving away and forced her eyes, "… no I didn't mean Evie. I meant yesterday and it's not okay."

"He needs changing and I have a tonne of stuff to get through before Evie remembers all the things I promised we'd do if she peed for me last night."

"Please just let me apologise?"

"You don't have to. Honestly. I'm here for whatever you need."

"I know you are and I knew it last night. That's how I could get so wrecked….." shrugging ashamedly Elliot sighed, "….because I knew you'd come get me."

"It's not like I haven't had practice picking up a drunk from a bar and putting them to bed." Said Olivia with a dismissive toss of her eyes.

"And I _hate_ that I took you back there getting in the state I did. I just need you to know that I was just pissed off and wound up so tight and….." struggling to find the words to reassure her that it had not been normal behaviour, that this was not going to be a pattern formed Elliot sighed, "….my point is that it won't happen again."

"Yeah it will and I don't expect any different. We all do it. Your mother killed herself, you're grieving and you got drunk out your mind. You think I didn't get wasted after my mom died? Hell the night you chose Kathy over me Fin had to carry me up those stairs in a fireman's lift….." shuddering at the mortifying memory Olivia reached for his shoulder and gave it a loving squeeze, "…._my point_ is that as long as you don't start stashing vodka in your sock drawer we're fine."

"I hate it when you joke about that stuff Liv."

"How's your head?" ignoring him Olivia poured a strong black and slid it across the counter toward him. Then reaching into a draw full of odds and ends retrieved a packet of painkillers and popped two out, "You gonna head over to Kathy's?"

"Yeah, yeah I said I'd meet the kids there for lunch…." necking the tablets Elliot took a generous gulp of coffee and asked, "… that okay with you?"

"Elliot of course it is take as long as you need….." reaching over and giving his wrist a squeeze there was side to her reply, no tone or hesitation, "… I'm gonna have a day at home with these two so just call if you want dinner."

"I don't deserve you."

"No, no probably not….." she quipped, pulling faces at Sam much to the placid little boy's amusement before looking across at Elliot and confessing quickly, "…. I've been thinking about what you said last night."

"I said a lot of things last night that….."

"I don't want to wait either El….." it was so simple, so easy, so effortless, "….let's get married."

"Yeah?" he asked, some of the dark cloud that had settled on his shoulders in the wake of Bernie's death lifting just for a moment. "Are you serious? Because I'm gonna talk to the kids again and try warm them up a bit to the idea and we don't need to go all out. We can keep it really low key. Just a handful of people, a registry office and a….."

"Well I mean we can talk about…."

"You don't have to wear the big white dress and we don't even have to have people there if you don't want….." his words were rushing, like water released from a dam charging toward the ocean, "….we could go away to do it even? Just take the kids and go someplace warm. No one even has to know until we come back and it's a done deal."

"Is that what you want?" she asked, throwing him a little with a sudden look of stunned surprise. He had thought he was describing just exactly the scenario she had in mind.

"I just thought that was what you…."

"Sure, sure that all sounds great!" though in truth Olivia could not have sounded less enthused by his proposals. Flashing an almost desperate smile she reiterated the need for Sam to be changed and headed quickly to their bedroom.

"You want pancakes before I head out?" called Elliot, sensing that he had some making up to do but quite unsure as to why. Puzzling as he gathered the ingredients he was heartened at least to hear her respond, albeit it with that same dejected attempt at cheer she had left with.

"Sounds great!" holding Sam on bed with one hand Olivia reached to her bedside table for the diaper cream and caught a fleeting glimpse inside the top drawer. Opening it fully she stared down at the modest stack of bridal magazines and heaved a sigh. Closing the open crack in the draw she turned her attention back to the baby and smiled sadly, "Mommy's probably too old for all that anyway, isn't she baby boy?"

* * *

"What about this one?"

"Oh _come on_ now!" came the deep whine from Fin as he pulled a face at the prospect of another one of his shirts making its way into Amanda's charity pile.

"Okay tell me the last time you wore this ratty old thing!"

"Ratty old….." muttering under his breath Fin launched from his seat on the bed and moved across the room to seize the shirt from her hand, "….do you see me interfering in your stuff blondie?"

"I don't have any stuff."

"Can we go eat now?" withholding the shirt from his grasp Fin discovered that while in brute strength he could overpower her tenfold Amanda was lightning fast. Nimbly ducking out of his way and dodging between the bed and dresser she had danced into the living room before he caught up with her and pinned her to the wall. "Hand it over."

"I know you're trying to intimidate me….." she murmured, her heart thundering as Fin bolted her arms to the wall over her head and used his body to block her escape. After several moments of attempting to maintain his ground Fin released her wrists and made no protest when she flew at him moth to a flame and kissed him with a hungry fury.

"Food can wait….." he murmured breathlessly as she jumped up on him and he effortlessly grabbed at her thighs and carried her, straddled around him, back into the bedroom.

* * *

"Hey baby boy…" yawning herself awake Olivia wondered just how long it had been since she'd allowed her own eyes to close, "…. are you feeling better after your nap? I know I am."

"You fell asleep mommy." Came an accusatory little voice from the floor as Eve sat with one half of her head French braided and an intricate game of shop keeping laid out in front of her.

"No, no not really, I was just resting my eyes….." insisted Olivia, wondering whether there was even any oxygen left in the apartment after so many hours spent talking herself hoarse as various make believe characters, "…. hey baby I think we should take a walk."

"I don't want to walk."

"Not even if you get to see Uncle Fin?"

"And Manda?" seeing them as a couple was an adjustment Olivia was still making, and she still had reservations. That said she had not seen Fin this happy in years and so for that she was grateful. Eve, however, found Amanda's gutsy Southern attitude a delightful addition to her treasured visits to Fin's house and was fully in support of the coupling.

"You wanna invite them for pizza?"

"Cheesy with peas?" having found the only pizzeria in the city willing to desecrate an Italian culinary delicacy with frozen peas Olivia nodded confidently.

"Cheesy with peas….." gesturing to the coffee table, too comfortable to move Olivia smiled, "… can you pass me my cell, baby? And if we do go out don't let me forget to braid the other side of your hair."

"I'm purdy."

"You're beautiful….." leaning out as far as she could go without dropping Sam from her chest Olivia's phone remained just out of reach, "… baby my phone, can you pass me it?"

"No."

"Come on sweetheart…." then realising it was not petulance but humour driving Eve's refusal Olivia struggled to mask a smile as the toddler stood with her hands on her hips and shook her head defiantly, "….oh don't you be cute with me Evie Grace."

"No."

"One, two…" knowing the countdown was to the end of her mother's patience Eve hurriedly gathered up the iPhone in both her chubby hands and ferried it the short distance to the couch, "…thank you, baby. You're a super good girl. You wanna find Fin's picture for me and we'll call him together?"

* * *

"Hey Evie honey, how about you and me go watch them making your pizza?" rising from her chair in the casual pizzeria atmosphere Amanda Rollins extended a smiling hand to Eve. "Maybe we can even ask them to throw on some extra cheese?"

"And peas." Said Eve, a little pink tongue poking out from between pursed lips as she scrambled from her seat and thrust her hand into Amanda's.

"Rollins you don't have to…."

"You two can catch up properly this way….." said Amanda, fighting a valiant battle to be okay with the fact that there were certain things known only to Fin and Olivia, and certain conversations that would not take place with her there, "….besides she's a little darlin' aren't you Evie?"

"Peach….." sighed Fin, reaching a hand to Amanda's elbow and holding her back momentarily.

"Order me another ginger ale when they come around will ya?" forcing her smile a little wider Amanda gave a nod as though to signal she was determined and led Eve away from the table.

"I make her nervous." Observed Olivia, feeding Sam his bottle and contemplating how she felt about that fact.

"This is new ground for all of us, cheekbones. She doesn't know how to be around you now me and her are…." whatever and however she might feel about the situation the little boy glee in Fin's face when he spoke of Amanda was enough to melt even Olivia's scepticism, "….well now we're me and her."

"Cragen wants me back at the 1-6….." making the instant mental leap to how on earth these fledgling new dynamics were going to transfer to the work place Olivia added hastily, "… and you're the first person I've told by the way."

"Elliot?"

"He's got enough going on right now."

"Liv…." seeing red flags at every turn Fin shook his head and warned, "…. you know you gotta stop doing that."

"Doing what?" she asked, though in truth she had a fairly good idea of what he was about to reprimand her for.

"He's gotta be your first call. Things are different now. It's not that I don't want you to come to me with shit….." though she knew he spoke the truth she wasn't entirely thrilled by his tone and it showed all over her face, "… but you know what I mean? You get what I'm saying?"

"I just needed to sound it out."

"So sound it out with Elliot."

"I will, of course I will. I don't keep things from him. That's not what this is. It's just easier if I figure out where my own head is at first so that…."

"So what you can decide what you want to happen and then tell him how it's gonna be?" smirked Fin. Then seeing her displeasure he shook his head and chuckled, "I thought you were learning how to bend."

"Can I be a good mom and a good cop?" was the simple question Olivia had not stopped asking herself ever since Cragen had first proposed her return to SVU. "I mean I know there are thousands of women out there who can, but can I? I never was very good at leaving the job at the door and with El working too I just…."

"Why the sudden rush?" asked Fin, sensing there was more to this than initially met the eye. "I mean Cragen is no bleeding heart but he knows the hell you went through having Sam. The poor little guy is barely four months old and he wants you back on the job already?"

"Part time at first….." taking a sip of water Olivia realised that it did seem a little odd, when she thought about the lenient terms of Cragen's offer and just how keen he had been that she take him up on it, "… and he's willing to work with me so it's always either you, me or El with Sam and not a sitter. I don't want him with strangers yet."

"I love how I'm included in the parenting pool."

"Are you being sarcastic?" asked Olivia, preparing to be unbelievably hurt and incredibly guilty.

"Not even slightly…." replied Fin, having been itching to get a hold of Sam from the moment they'd arrived and seeing this as the perfect opportunity to reach over and seize him from Olivia's arms, "….never been more serious in my life."

"Once he's done telling me it's too soon El will let me do whatever I think is right….." said Olivia with confidence, "… only problem is this time I have _no clue_ what the right thing is. Cragen says he needs me back and he's got plans in mind but…."

"What kind of plans?" asked Fin with a breezing air that betrayed his utter ignorance of Cragen's plans to make her his successor. Heeding his words and trusting her gut Olivia held her tongue. There were some conversations that even she knew were for Elliot's ears only.

"I think he just wants the squad back to where it used to be….." she segued, able to smile genuinely and add, "…. we were a real force to be reckoned with back in the day."

"You sound like you've already made up your mind. Just don't take on too much, you hear? Two kids under two and a wedding to plan is enough to….."

"The kids are definitely a massive factor but I can't imagine wedding planning will be overly time consuming….." she replied with an acerbic tone, "… how long can it take to book city hall and buy a polyester two piece?"

"Do I wanna ask?" asked Fin, sensing a tone and that he ought to be grateful that this was one fight that lay at Elliot's door and not his. Whatever was behind the terrifying look on Olivia's face was not his doing and he was not about to wade into its morass.

"No, no you do not."

"S'my baby….." announced Eve, arriving back at the table with a flurry. Then with a gleeful hoist of her shoulders she leant in against Fin and poked proudly at Sam's stomach, "…issa boy."

"Hey, sorry, the guys in the kitchen were getting distracted by their little helper….." said Amanda with a fond smile as she followed Eve back to the table, "… so we thought we better come sit back down."

"You're really great with her….." there was something so beautifully sincere in Olivia's delivery that Amanda was stunned into a grateful silence. There were few people in the world that Olivia Benson trusted with her children and she knew in that moment that despite everything else going on around them she was one of them. Then with a warm smile Olivia added, "With both of them."

"Hey sit down Peach you're making the place look untidy….." said Fin, reaching for Amanda's hand and dragging her down into her seat with a smile that said everything.

* * *

"You talked to Fin about this already?"

"El don't do this we're both tired and…" she was in the wrong and she knew it as she allowed the sentence to fizzle out midway through delivery, "….look I'm sorry, okay?"

"Do you _want_ to go back?"

"Do you want me to?" she asked, in an attempt to show him that no decision had been made. There may be a part of her that still instinctively went to Fin for an opinion but that in no way meant she valued it over his. They were a team and, knowing she was in the wrong, she was determined to show him as much. "Because me going back to SVU has just as bigger implications for you as it does for me….." taking a deep breath she dove into head first, "….especially because I left bits out when I talked to Fin. One big part in particular."

"Oh yeah?" asked Elliot, as they relaxed into the twilight of the day. With both kids fed, bathed and put to bed they gathered on the sofa to swap stories.

"Cragen doesn't just want me back as detective….." unable to believe she was even saying the words Olivia exhaled, "…. he wants to spend the next however many months training me as his replacement."

"He wants you as captain of the 1-6?" when put like that, it was even more alien to her and she simply stared in response. After a few moments of digestion Elliot broke into a delighted gasp and reached over to squeeze her thigh, "Liv that's awesome! That's great news….." and then seeing her face he frowned slightly, "…. isn't it?"

"I don't know. I think so. I want to believe it is and that it's been coming for a long time and I've earned it and….." shaking her head and attempting to fit the puzzle pieces together in her own mind Olivia pinched at the bridge of her nose and shrugged, "…. it's just something Fin said and he's right. Why now? Why the sudden rush?"

"How'd you mean?" asked Elliot, kicking his legs up onto the sofa and turning his body to face her. "I mean I won't pretend I'm thrilled at the idea of you going back to work so soon. Even if it's only a few hours a week Sam is still tiny and you're still recovering from serious medical trauma."

"You're right, you are, and I'm still not sure I'm ready to leave Sam at all but that isn't even the strangest part of it. Cragen fought back from cancer to get back into that office and now? What? He's just gonna casually retire to boredom-on-sea California just like that? It doesn't make any sense….." knowing Elliot now understood exactly where she was coming from Olivia said what they were both thinking, "….it's not like him. It's _nothing_ like him. Something is off, way off."

"You got a hunch?" because, thought Elliot, he surely didn't.

"Nope, no I got nothing."

"What's your gut telling you?" because he trusted that, and he trusted her, he knew that was where their answer lay. "You wanna go back?"

"Cragen knows our deal. He knows my deal. He knows where I'm at medically and what we're juggling with the kids."

"And he knows how hard a time you have saying no to him….."

"But he still asked…" said Olivia quietly, her hand gravitating unconsciously toward his and as their fingers interlaced she met his eyes, "…. I don't know what's going on El but I think I _have_ to go back."

"I think so too."

"I don't know how in the hell we're gonna make this work…"

"We'll figure it out…." assured Elliot, with little basis beyond the notion that together they could do anything, "….we'll find a way."


	13. The Little Girl I Once Knew

"Do you think she's doing the right thing? Giving her away?"

"I can't answer that for her….." sighed Olivia, sitting back in her chair and folding her arms resignedly as Amanda Rollins cradled Harley's sad, fussy little infant, "… no one can."

"Can I ask you a question Olivia?" by the fact she had to ask Olivia prepared for the personal. Unfolding her arms she leant forward, pulling the sides of her jacket straight and gathering herself.

"Sure, sure what is it?"

"Did you ever, do you ever….." lowering her eyes, unable to believe she was even asking the question Rollins swallowed slowly, "… what I mean is your childhood wasn't easy and your mom…."

"Are you asking me whether I wish my mother had put me up for adoption?" though that much was obvious by the sudden discomforted flush in Amanda's face. Shifting the limp haired, ashen faced little urchin in her lap uneasily she stayed quiet, allowing Olivia the space to either answer or not and in her own time. When the silence became unbearable however Amanda lost her nerve.

"No, no of course not I just….." closing her eyes and stroking repeatedly at the child's back Amanda sighed, "….no one can deny Harley has been through hell. She's gonna be a mess for a long time to come then one day she won't be. One day she'll be an adult with a good job and a place to live and I just don't want her to….."

"Don't want her to…." prompted Olivia, challenging herself to play friend and not detective and hold back the giant assumptive leaps her sharp mind and astute emotional radar was making.

"It'll never go away. People will tell her it will. That in time all the feelings will fade but however this ends….." suddenly Olivia felt the room shrink and all she could do was stare at the sadness on Amanda's face and wonder, "….she will _always _be this little girl's mom."

"Do _you_ think she's doing the right thing?" hearing herself as the question Olivia was reminded that she was not the only one with a past. For however many scars she bore it was becoming increasingly clear that Amanda Rollins could match her wound for wound.

"I want to believe so. I really do. I want to believe that this little darlin' will go to good, loving parents. That she'll be happy and healthy with tonnes of friends and graduate college someday….." and then there was a moment, one that took Olivia's breath away as Amanda looked up at her and spoke beyond the words uttered, "… isn't that all any mom wants for her kid?"

* * *

"Do you have children of your own Detective Benson?"

"Why are you protecting him Sandra?" asked Olivia, tossing a thick sweep of side bangs back from her face and reminding herself that she was long overdue a haircut. "Your son is responsible for the death of two teenage girls and you're sitting over there lying through your teeth."

"You can't prove that, honey." Smiled the bottle blonde with a shrug of determined defiance.

"If someone had hurt Jackson. If this situation were reversed and you knew that a woman, just like yourself, was standing in the way of you getting justice for your child. What would you tell her?"

"I'd tell her…." there was a moment, a flicker of hesitation before the interviewee returned to her indomitable grin, "… I'd tell her good on ya honey. You go ahead and defend your own."

"My colleagues have found DNA evidence that puts you a plane ride away from where you say you were dining with your son the night those girls were murdered Nancy."

"You ever think that some people are just born bad, detective?" running a very pink tongue around the front of yellowed teeth the mother seemed to become entirely distracted from the task in hand. "Only I just gots this feeling that sometimes if their daddy's bad then it's just hopeless from the start. They're just rotten to the core and there ain't a damn thing you can do about it, ya know?"

"No, no Mrs Lincoln I don't." Said Olivia with a professional calm that well concealed her stomach's internal churning.

"I ain't sayin' a word more to you people. I want a lawyer. I want a peppermint tea!"

"I can arrange a lawyer…." sighed Olivia, rising from her chair adding derisively, "…. but I'm sorry I think we're fresh out of peppermint tea."

"You'd understand you know….." called Nancy, as Olivia held the door on her way out of it, "… if you were a mother."

"Sit tight, we'll get you lawyered up as soon as we can."

"Well she's a real treat."

"Give her to Langan…." smirked Olivia as Fin caught her drift, "… he'll really enjoy this one."

"Nice!"

"I'm gonna get going or I won't make it home to high five El on his way out the door."

"Drug squad still got him on nights?"

"Yup." Sighed Olivia, tossing her cell phone and keys into her purse and flashing a tired but contented smile. "He gets the kids in the day and I get them at night."

"When do get each other?" asked Fin, spotting the obvious flaw in their plan.

"When we win the lottery….." she smiled wryly, "… or people stop committing crimes."

"How's my main man doing?"

"7-1." Beamed Olivia, her son's weight having been a numerical measure of happiness for what felt like forever.

"7lbs and 1 ounce….." grinned Fin, nodding proudly, "… little guy is almost a heavyweight."

"Night, Fin."

"See you tomorrow, cheekbones. Kiss baby girl for me?"

"Will do!" called Olivia with a chuckle, as she entered the elevator and shook off the weight of the day.

* * *

"Elliot what the….."

"You're early….." said Elliot in flustered response as Olivia walked through the door a good fifteen minutes ahead of schedule, "….you weren't supposed to be back for another quarter of an hour. I ironed a shirt."

"And you cooked, you cooked something that smells incredible….." tossing her purse and keys onto the sofa Olivia took off her coat and wandered into the kitchen to source the delicious smell, "… but I thought you were working tonight?"

"I called in a favour….." shooing her out of his cooking space Elliot grabbed the nearest towel and used it to check on the lasagne baking in the oven, "….you wanna get changed before we eat?"

"Yeah, yeah I'll be two minutes….." quite thrown by the unusual turn of events and wondering what had prompted it Olivia held herself in check and as she had earlier with Amanda attempted to take the situation at a personal level and not spoil it by playing detective, "….are the kids in bed already?"

"Sam went out like a light but Mouse was determined to wait up for you so maybe check and see if she made it."

"El everything is okay isn't it?" the only time she recalled anyone going the extra mile in this way was to pave the way for bad news. Either that or they were guilty of doing something, or rather doing nothing in Serena's case. In fact the only real family meals she could remember her mother cooking for her as a child would come after a particularly ugly episode. In the sober light of day she would feel the weight of her lacking as a mother and roast a chicken.

"Yeah, yeah, yes….." and her heart lifted to see in his face and hear in his voice that he meant it, "….it's all good. Now go change and I'll pour you a glass. Red or white?"

"Red please….." she smiled, now able to relax and enjoy the mystery.

"So I guess we've not gotten around to talking about what a wedding might look like…."

"I guess not." She replied with a measured calm, pushing at a lettuce leaf on her plate and deliberately not meeting his gaze.

"We should probably set aside some time for that." She was not going to make this easy, he realised. Reaching for his wine glass and taking a generous gulp he knew that this could either go one of two ways and getting it wrong would cost him dearly.

"It's not like we need to panic. I mean I have no family to send save the date cards to and your family are hardly likely to be fighting for seats on your side of the aisle either. If we wait till the other side of the holidays we'll get a registrar spot easy enough….." she was making passive aggression into an art form and she knew it, but spearing at a tomato slice she didn't care, "…. maybe we can even get a January deal on an elopement package."

"You know I only said all those things because I thought it's what you wanted."

"You thought I wanted to marry you in an empty back office where no one has to know its even happening? Or on some island like we're a dirty little secret you're ashamed of?"

"Olivia!" if he sounded scolding it was because he felt indignant beyond belief. He had never even come close to the sentiment she was implying.

"I'm sorry that that came out the way it did….." biting on her lower lip she backtracked half way before realising the true depth of her frustration for the first time and seeing no point in hiding it from him "…. but I'm tired of feeling like Anna freakin' Karenina."

"That night in the bar when I talked about churches and white dresses and red roses you freaked out. You looked at me like I'd lost my mind so I dialled it down. I figured you just wanted to keep it low key and….."

"I know you've done it once already. I know that it's difficult because of Kathy and your kids and the fact that we can count potential RSVPs on our fingers. A woman my age with a figure that screams I just had two kids is hardly Vera Wang's dream fitting and I think if I turn up to your church in a white dress the priest will stone me like Sheba but…."

"How did I get this so wrong?" marvelled Elliot with a sigh.

"I dreamed about this Elliot." In so many ways she was a tough talking, gun toting, emotionally impenetrable badass and in others she was a marshmallow he realised all over again with a tritely adoring smile. "I know it's insane. I'm such a horrid cliché I can hardly stand it myself but it's the truth. I was that kid who daydreamed about meeting her tall, dark and handsome and doodled the dress she'd marry him in on the back page of her math book."

"Tall, dark and handsome….." grinned Elliot delightedly, "… nice."

"Yeah well you were a little late to the party but I'll settle for tall, angry and receding but….."

"Hey!"

"I just want one day just for us. One day where I can stand up in front of however many people will show up and say I love this angry pain in the ass. I love him and as long as I'm wearing this floor length, ivory, French lace dress with my mother's cobalt blue Louboutins….." breathless and cringing at having admitted such a detail aloud Olivia exhaled with a poignant final statement, "…..for one day I don't have to feel guilty about it."

"Liv I had no idea….." reaching across the table he covered her hand with his and wrapped her fingers around hers, "…. I'm sorry."

"Don't be, it's not your fault. It's the price you pay when you're the other woman."

"You're not the other woman anymore. You're the _only _woman. This isn't old school Russia and whatever it takes for you to feel like you're my wife and I'm damn proud of it we're gonna do….." his words took her breath away with their raw sincerity, and it was only when she went to laugh at his next words she finally exhaled, "…. I mean you're marrying an NYPD detective with seven kids so we might need to rethink the budget a little from your 3rd grade math plans but…..."

"Don't tell me you're not gonna ride in on horseback and the President isn't gonna show up to give me away either?" she quipped, before coming back to the weight behind the punch Olivia squeezed his hand gently and ventured a vulernable little smile, "El it doesn't have cost a fortune it just has to feel right. I'm only gonna do this one, you know?"

"Damn right you're only doing this once. The sooner you've got a ring on your finger and every guy out there knows its game over the better as far as I'm concerned."

"Babe I'm pretty sure my game was over about two kids ago….." with a wry smirk she patted his hand and added, "… but you're sweet all the same."

"So we're squared away with the whole wedding thing? We're on the same page again? We're good?"

"We're on the same page." She nodded warmly. "I mean the page has nothing on it yet but…." laughing warmly she assured him, "…. but yes, we're more than good."

* * *

"I went with Munch to re-interview Harley today."

"Kid's like a walnut." Said Amanda quietly, lying on the sofa in the semi darkness with the TV on at a dull hum. Too quiet to follow the dialogue but loud enough not to feel alone. "Between us we must've asked her the same questions a billion times but she isn't for budging. She's protecting that baby's father like he's worth a damn. I wish he wasn't."

"Liv reckons it's too much for her to think of him as both the father of her baby and her rapist. She's just not ready to accept the idea of him being both."

"Will she ever be?" asked Amanda, and then saying what they were both thinking she added, "Was Olivia's mother ever able to?" Allowing the rhetorical question to hang in the air Rollins hugged the blanket covering her up a little snugger over her shoulders and closed her eyes.

"What's up Peach….." asked Fin softly, hurting to see her so visibly drained. Reaching down he stroked side bangs from her eyes and offered a loving smile, "….you're a million miles away tonight.

"I just can't stop thinking about that little girl." She confessed quietly. It wasn't that she wasn't willing to give of herself to him, she just didn't know how. How to be exposed, how to be vulnerable, how to give him one piece of the tower without having her whole world come crashing in around them. They were so new, so fragile, so unprepared for the past's wrecking ball.

"This one's really getting to you, huh? Munch said you were spending a lot of time with Harley's baby….." knowing he was stepping on shaky ground Fin ventured carefully, "….if you want off the case then I'm sure…."

"Munch been spying on me?" she prickled, her eyes popping open as she sat upright and defensive. "I haven't spent any more time with that kid than Benson has and I'm sure as heck no more of a bleeding heart."

"We'll figure something out for her you know. That baby might not have had the easiest start in life but we'll make sure she's in good hands whatever Harley decides. She's a tough little thing…" in his head the words Fin spoke were reassuring and comforting and yet somehow he was watching Amanda's face crumble to gut wrenching tears, "….she'll be just fine."

"How can you be so certain?" she whispered, melting into him like butter around a hot knife as he reached forward and drew her into his arms as she shook. "How can you ever know for sure?" he didn't answer, just held her. Held her tight enough to send the message loud and clear that though he knew she wasn't ready to talk about whatever was killing her from the inside out yet, when she was he was ready to listen.


	14. Georgia On My Mind

"Kathleen these are beautiful….." marvelled Olivia, tucking a patent clutch under her arm and taking a sip from her coffee cup as she surveyed the artwork on the walls around her, "….you have a real talent."

"You want sugar in that?" asked a painfully modest Kathleen as she reached to a makeshift beverage cart in the corner of the gallery's main room and offered Olivia a sachet.

"Great, thanks….." setting her drink down to sweeten it Olivia swept a handful of thick, lazy bangs from her face and took Kathleen's breath away with the natural grace and warmth she radiated. It seemed too exhausting to stay angry when her parents' marriage had been so obviously over even before Elliot's relationship with his partner had turned romantic. Olivia was kind, loving, undeniably beautiful and far more patient with her father that he often deserved. Elliot was not the only one besotted, realised Kathleen as she smiled warmly at Olivia.

"I'll kill you if you tell him but I was thinking a lot about my Dad when I did this one…." gesturing to the oil canvas to her left Kathleen's eyes floated across it as she gave a little sigh, "… I started it after Grandma's funeral. It's kind of unfinished but I hung it anyway."

"Tell me about it….." prompted Olivia, deeply engaged and allowing herself to become completely lost in the moment as she stepped toward the painting and, looking between it and Kathleen, continued, "… talk me through what's going in this part here, why you used these colours only on half of the…."

"You're really interested?" asked Kathleen, admitted with some surprise. Kathy had tried to take an interest in her art when she was younger but she had never understood how a collection of swirls and abstract patterns could require talent. She liked landscapes and historical portraits. She liked convention. "I guess I left that part kind of quiet. Over here there was just so much noise and confusion with the purples and this swirl of navy that there had to be some kind of release. So I just kept it really simple up there. Am I talking too much?"

"Why oils?" answering Kathleen's question with one of her own Olivia showed not only an interest but an appreciation. A desire to jump into the paintings, to not only see them but to understand their meaning and involve herself in their story and that of their artist. Kathleen had never felt so heard.

"They're the boldest medium I'd ever worked with. I used to just use pencils mostly. I took a class in watercolours but I felt like I couldn't get out what I wanted to say with them. They weren't strong enough. When I was doing this I just went so thick in places with the paint, like right here. It just kind of worked out how the blue and the purple get darker and darker and then if you touch this corner here that's almost black you can feel the paint coming off the canvas….." feeling her breathing slow Olivia simply stared at Elliot's daughter as her blue eyes widened and she added softly, "… it felt really human, you know?"

"Angry…." nodded Olivia slowly, holding a mouthful of coffee in her mouth before swallowing slowly as she stared at the wall, "….but vulnerable."

"Yeah…" hesitating a moment before lifting her finger and gesturing to a centre portion of the painting where the lightness and darkness met in a uncertain incandescence of orange and gold Kathleen ventured, "…. this part came last."

"It doesn't make as much sense as the rest of it. Why just that chunk of colour when the rest is so moody and mysterious?" she didn't have much by way of artistic terminology, but Olivia was giving artistic engagement her best attempt.

"There was too much darkness I guess…. " said Kathleen thoughtfully, as if deciding how much of herself to give away, "….and I think that's the way I used to see my Dad. In fact I know it is. He used to scare me sometimes but he's different around you, Olivia."

"Kathleen…."

"I mean he's still angry and messed up and all the things he was before. He's still the same person he always was and he still drives me crazy, but he smiles more….." shrugging with a grateful acknowledgement of Olivia's effect on her father Kathleen added, "… there's a chunk of colour I guess."

"You know I bet your mom and your brother and sisters would love to see all these….." said Olivia, extending her own white flag and embracing their newfound sense of peace and understanding, "….you should invite them along."

"They wouldn't get it."

"Have you tried?" pushed Olivia, but in truth it was heartening to her that she was able to share something with Kathleen that no one else did. Not even Elliot. Kathleen had reached out and Olivia had been able to see into her world in a way that none of her family could. It's beautiful irony made the moment no less poignant to either woman.

"You know Maureen and I are taking Eli to this Halloween Adventure place next Friday and we were wondering whether you wanted to come and bring the babies?"

"You and Maureen were wondering that?" asked Olivia with a wry smile.

"Okay maybe I haven't run it past her yet but she'll be fine with it. I'll _make_ her be fine with it. So are you in?"

"I'd love too but I have to work Friday and it's not easy for me to switch shifts at the moment so I'm really sorry but…."

"What about Saturday?" pushed Kathleen, determined not to let the opportunity slide. "If we switched days could you make it?"

"Saturday is good for me….." then testing a tentative toe in the water Olivia checked, "… you do know that your Dad has to work though? That he's pulling a double this weekend?"

"I know." Said Kathleen with unwavering conviction and a warm smile.

"So it'll just be me…."

"And the babies? You'll bring Evie and Sam, right?"

"Sure, sure of course I will…." nodded Olivia with a heartfelt smile. She was not entirely sure what had taken place that evening only that it was good. It was cautious but optimistic and she felt that for the first time that one of Kathy's children had seen her as a person and not a wrecking ball.

* * *

"I think I could see myself getting married at Yankee Stadium….."

"Yeah?" asked Olivia, inclining her head and giving him every impression she was about to indulge his little boy dream. Then, with a deliciously devilish smirk she quipped, "Married to who?"

"That a no then?" he asked with a soft smile, leaning against the arm of the couch and taking a swig from his post-shift beer.

"El we both know it won't mean the same to you if it isn't in a church with your kids there. You know I spent the day with Kathleen today and…."

"Yeah, yeah she mentioned you two had had a really great time. You know I really do believe that in time they'll all come around. That one day they'll all see how awesome you are the way Katie does but honestly I can't see them coming to the wedding. Don't get me wrong I'd kill to have them there I just….." hesitating a moment on seeing the determination in her eyes Elliot set his beer down and gave her his undivided attention, "… well I just think that we ought to be realistic is all."

"Since when did you become the calm and rational one?" she smiled, knowing that the chances of a full Stabler turnout at their wedding was an idealistic dream. Then as Sam's dozing eyes settled upon her and caught his mother looking back he let out a squeak of delight and flashed her his gums, "Well hey there baby boy, are you smiling for mama?"

"We had a good giggle earlier didn't we buddy….." setting down his beer and scooting down the couch to where Olivia was feeding Sam his evening bottle so he could coo over his son, "…. yeah, yeah we did."

"Oh yeah, what did you do?" she asked, instinctively leaning in to his chest as he slid in beside her and draped an arm around her shoulders. "To get him laughing?"

"Gangnam Style."

"You're joking….." she choked, before closing her eyes and exhaling with an incredulous laugh, "… oh my _God _what have I done agreeing to marry you Elliot Stabler."

"We can do this, can't we Liv?" in what was turning out to be an evening of role reversals the two fed off each other's strengths and compensated for insecurities. "Two kids, two jobs. I'm worried about you. I'm worried you're taking on too much and between me losing it over my mom and my kids…." rubbing at his jaw anxiously Elliot confessed to that which he was rarely willing to: being human, "….and well let's face it me just being me and not always the easiest person to…"

"You _are _a nightmare…." she teased, before straightening her face to add "….kidding."

"It's a tall order, what we're trying to do here."

"With the kids growing up so fast, my job changing and a wedding to plan I agree it's gonna be tough….." leaning over and pressing a kiss against his tensed jaw Olivia smiled, "….but we've survived worse."

"It doesn't have to be in a church."

"El…."

"I don't give a crap about the where and when….." rubbing her thigh affectionately Elliot added with complete sincerity, "… as long as you show up and say 'I do' it'll mean everything."

"Do you really mean that?" she had to ask now, once and for all while she had his eyes and could witness even the slightest flinch of deception.

"All in you must've sat up for days potty training Mouse. I was so close to letting those doctors convince me to turn off the machines keeping Sam alive but you wouldn't give up on him. I'm hell on earth to live with but somehow you handle it. You handle it all and you hold this family together." Taking a pause Elliot simply smiled at her for a moment before sighing in happy concession. "Wanting the kids to go to church and needing to marry you in one are two different things."

"I guess I just figured….."

"I want them to belong. I want them to know what I believe in so they have the option to believe in it too, but if they don't wanna go when they're older I won't force it. I never did with the others. It's their call the same way it's yours."

"I shouldn't have assumed." She flatly admitted, recognizing that at no point had she asked him whether a church wedding was what he wanted.

"I don't need you to convert. I don't want you to be uncomfortable at your own wedding because you're saying words you don't mean. You believe in what we're doing here and that's all I need to hear….." leaning in and kissing her gently Elliot murmured, "….that you believe in us."

"You know it occurs to me that we've been talking about all the things I do and don't want for this wedding but I've never asked….." shaken by the realisation Olivia asked openly, "… what do _you_ want it to look like?"

"Honestly I don't care as long as we're both there and…."

"El…." she pushed, catching a look in his eyes that told her to press him for an answer.

"When you were sick in the hospital I'd drift in and out of naps and I kept having this one crazy dream. There were flying animals and we lived in Bavaria on a farm and it was all pretty surreal but it was Christmas. It was always Christmas."

"Like Narnia but in reverse?" smiled Olivia with a curious raise of her brows.

"I just remember there were all these old fashioned decorations and candles and the kids were running around so excited about the holidays. It was snowing and so cold outside and when we came inside to stand by the fire I watched your cheeks getting kinda flushed and pink and….." realising this was fast becoming a different kind of memory for him Olivia caught her breath in a laugh as Elliot attempted to shrug off the notion with a casual smile, "….it was just pretty, you know?"

"You'll be almost nine months old by December little man….." whispered Olivia to the bright eyed boy in her arms, her face alight with possibility, "….you reckon you'll be able to handle a wedding by then?"

"Oh it was just a dumb daydream it isn't important and I don't want you to feel rushed into anything or…."

"Rushing into…." marvelling at the amusing notion Olivia laughed softly and shook her head, "…. seriously El this has all been a decade and a half in the making so I'm pretty sure no one can accuse us of rushing into anything!"

"I mean I don't wanna steal Christmas from the kids so we'd have to do it either before or after but….."

"Are we really gonna do this? We're seriously gonna talk dates and venues and who to invite?"

"You think you're gonna have an extensive guest list to work with Scarlet Karenina?" mocked Elliot, biting his tongue between his teeth and giving her a playful poke in the side.

"Hey I don't see them lining up to fill your side of the aisle either asshole!"

"We're really gonna do this, Liv. Joking aside in two months' time I'll be stood somewhere in this city in a monkey suit waiting for you…"

"Well I suppose if I have nothing else on that day…."

"You're hilarious but you don't scare me….." calling her bluff Elliot dove in for a kiss and spoke confidently, "….you'll be there."

* * *

"Munch and Amaro headed back to the precinct to debrief with Liv."

"Okay."

"I told them you'd been fighting off a bug…." having explained Rollins' sudden and swift exit from the hospital a few minutes earlier Fin now took his seat beside her on a bench outside, "….they didn't ask questions."

"It's cold out for October."

"We really gonna do this?" he asked with a reluctant but willing smile. If she wanted to talk to him about the weather in the wake of Harley signing away parental rights to her baby then he was prepared to let her. Having seen the utter brokenness in Amanda's face as she'd stood beside him overseeing the process his only wish was to make her hurt less and so he spoke with a gruff quiet, "You know I heard on the radio this morning it might be a white Christmas for a change this year."

"Nice…." hunched over and hugging her arms folded around her waist Amanda's body was tensed rigid and feeling her unease Fin fell silent.

Through his experience dealing with a complex woman who's outside beauty well concealed deep internal wounds Fin had learned when to just simply be. When to just sit beside her, breathe beside her, love her wordlessly until she was ready to speak in her own time and on her own terms. He had not realised how much loving Olivia had taught him until he had fallen in love with Amanda.

"She'll turn twenty one years old next August."

Said Amanda after a long period of wordlessness had passed. Taking his time Fin chewed on his cheek and turned over in his mind all the possibilities, all the questions, all the ways in which he could approach his fragile, broken partner in order not to deepen her pain.

"How old were you?" he could've done the maths, but relieved and thankful that she was prepared to speak he leapt for the open window crack.

"13….." she replied, so exhausted that a rational mind and cast iron defensive guard were no match for his warm touch and gentle eyes. The weight of burden on her teenage shoulders had been carried no lighter with age, and it was crippling her. She had to tell someone and he was that person. He was her person. He was the first one she'd ever had.

"You were just a kid."

"Babies having babies ain't so uncommon in smalltown Georgia but my mama and daddy….." shaking her head with a slow, steady memory Amanda sighed, "…. I was supposed to be the easy one. Kim was the one they had to worry about. She was the one causing all the chaos and I just did my own thing. I was just plain old Amy Lou and no one paid that much attention."

"Amy Lou….." murmured Fin under his breath, throwing caution to the wind and reaching for her hand, "…. only they should've been paying attention."

"I wasn't raped if that's what you're thinking. I wasn't some poor, naïve little…."

"You were _thirteen_ years old Peach…."

"Don't look at me like that….." she warned, knowing that face all too well for all the times she'd worn it herself on the job, "… don't try to make this anything other than what it is for my sake because I don't deserve it. I was no victim then and I'm sure as hell not now. I knew what I was doing when I climbed in the back of his daddy's truck and I could've stopped it if I'd wanted to."

"I'm on your side and you know I am but that's bull and you know it. I won't sit here and help you beat yourself up. I won't go along with this crazy idea you've got that this is all somehow your fault. No kid knows what they want at thirteen but a baby sure ain't…."

"They sent me away to my Aunty Jolynne down in Macon. She had an old plantation house that was falling down around her ears since she stopped being able to keep up to it. There was this old fashioned porch running all the way around with a swing looking out into the fields. I sat on it the whole nine months."

"You never thought about….."

"Murdering one of God's innocent unborn children?" interjected Amanda with a bitter, metallic taste on her tongue. Shaking her head she closed her eyes and exhaled, "No, no mama would've rather had daddy take me outback and shoot me than have me get an abortion. They decided I had to keep the baby. They decided. I was terrified. Terrified of the how angry my daddy was, of the disappointment I saw in mama's eyes but most of all that there was a person growing inside of me. No one even talked to me after they found out. Just about me. Just discussed me like a problem to solve and talked about my baby like it was their own. They wanted to pretend that way. For the first six months they planned to raise her as their own….."

"What changed their mind?" asked Fin, when it seemed she had come to a stalling halt.

"Daddy said he could never love the bastard who ruined his little girl."

"Oh jeez Amanda….."

"I thought I was dying when I went into labour. I didn't know how any woman had ever survived it. Daddy wouldn't even come to the hospital but I could see mama outside the door pacing. Hours felt like years."

"She wasn't in there with you?" that much was evident but Fin couldn't bring himself to believe it. That any mother could stand outside while her young daughter went through childbirth alone and scared to death.

"I just remember crying. Crying and crying and crying until I was throwing up and the nurse was telling me I wasn't helping the baby. I didn't care. I didn't give a damn about the baby. By that point death would've been a happy escape." Pressing her lips together and staving off tears Amanda waited a moment before, voice trembling, continued, "One minute I was yelling my head off and the next mama was bursting in through the swing doors and everyone was huddled round. Holding this tiny, screaming little thing like she was a football ready for the toss."

"Was she okay?"

"She was perfect. She was the most perfect thing I'd ever seen. All wrinkled and pink with these giant bug eyes and a tiny fluff of blonde hair peeping out from under the blanket they wrapped her in. I remember just looking at her and thinking I did that. I made you. I don't think I'll ever be as proud as I was in those few minutes before they took her away."

"I bet she was beautiful."

"She was and she was mine. All the resentment, all the anger and frustration I'd felt just melted away and all that was left was this gut wrenching realisation that she was _mine_ and that I _loved_ her. She was my baby. Only she wasn't. There was a nice family from Seattle waiting outside the door and as soon as they cut the cord mama took her out to meet them. As quickly as she'd come kicking and screaming into my world she was taken right out of it again."

"Peach I don't even know what to….." said Fin, holding her hand so tightly by now that his own knuckles were staring to ache.

"I named her Georgia."

She said quietly, feeling suddenly so exhausted she could barely even support her head and leaning into him. Feeling the soft warmth of his sweater on her cheek and breathing in his familiar scent she lost all capacity to hold back the dam of utter devastation and private pain she had kept hidden so long and began to weep. Clutching at the collar of his black leather coat she wailed from somewhere so deep in her soul it shot clean through Fin and brought him to silent tears and broke his own heart, "She was my baby. She was my daughter, my little girl and I never even got to hold her….." gasping for air as her body shook with wracking sobs Amanda choked, "….they never even let me say goodbye."


	15. Mama Who Bore Me

"What the hell was that?"

"We're not gonna get a confession out of…."

"Well not like _that_ you're not!"

"Easy Liv…." warned Fin with a level and unflinching tone.

"You were too soft on him! You let him walk all over you both in there and…."

"We pushed him as hard as we could Olivia and if you don't trust that then…." but seeing the general direction Amaro was heading in was a disaster waiting to happen Cragen stepped between the pair and held his hands outstretched.

"Okay, okay let's just all take a breath here. We're all tired and frustrated but this isn't helping anyone and least of all the missing kids so….." commanding a silence among the ruffled group of detectives Cragen instructed, "…. Fin and Amaro you go take ten and then come back in for a second go at this bastard. Benson? You and I are going to regroup in my office."

"I don't need to regroup I need these two idiots to grow a backbone and….."

"Who the hell pissed you off today?" huffed Fin with a snarling roll of his eyes at Olivia. "You got anything constructive to contribute or are you just gonna bust our balls and stop us from actually getting anywhere with…."

"Okay you know what this discussion is far from constructive so let's just drop a curtain on it guys….." and when no one was quick to move Cragen added, "… like, you know, today people."

"Yes cap." Nodded Amaro, throwing Olivia a disparaging glance before following Fin toward the vending machine as she followed Cragen into his office.

"Due respect captain I don't appreciate being marched in here like a scolded child every time we disagree on a case." Taking a seat opposite him Olivia's body was tensed for battle.

"I'm sure you don't." Replied Cragen with an unmoved calm, "But we don't disagree on the case Olivia."

"Then what the hell is your problem?" she shot back quickly, from somewhere she wasn't entirely sure of. She was angry and it wasn't at him, it wasn't even at Fin and Amaro for their method of interrogation. She was just angry and she wasn't sure why.

"My problem?" asked Cragen incredulously as she all put spat knives across his office. "My….."

"How are those guys ever going to see me as a leader if you keep clipping my wings?" softer now, with an earnest eagerness to succeed that he knew would eventually make her the excellent captain he knew her capable of being. Just not today.

"Olivia they'll see you as a leader when you start acting like one."

"I…."

"Bawling them out outside the interrogation room like a screaming banshee who's lost her grip?"

"That isn't fair." And yet in truth she knew it was, it was exactly fair and it was what had happened. She had lost her grip not only on the case and on how to manage her detectives' working of it but worse than that she had lost grip of herself. She had allowed her emotions to get the better of her and turn her from the rational, level head overseeing the case to a hysterical mother seeing Eve and Samson in the eyes of the missing children they were unable to find.

"Things are different than they used to be. Things have changed. We've all changed and maybe you more than any of us. You're not the same Benson I used to let out on a long leash because you were a naïve rookie or the overly emotional vigilante that left here two years ago."

"Captain…."

"You're an experienced sergeant ready to make the transition into an effective captain of this precinct….." sighing heavily Cragen told her what she already knew, but that experience had taught her was easier said than done, "…. but Liv you have _got _to learn to separate your head from your heart."

"I apologise….." she said quietly, meaning it with great sincerity, "….really I do. I was out of order and I'll say as much to Fin and Amaro. I was wrong."

"Wow."

"What?" she asked, with a puzzled frown as she crossed and uncrossed her legs in a chair she had sat in all too many times and so many crossroads of her life.

"Actually uttering the words 'I was wrong' voluntarily and without spontaneously combusting….." his watery eyes smiling affectionately Cragen chuckled, "….you really not the same Benson."

"I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or a….." knowing him well enough to know that teasing or heartfelt Cragen could only have been well meaning Olivia broke a smile, "….well, either way I still have a lot to learn."

"With great power comes great responsibility."

"Did you just quote Spiderman to me?" asked Olivia, breaking the captain's attempt to impart a poignant moment of wisdom on his apprentice.

"Captain what if I can't do this? What if I'm not cut out for captain and….."

"You can. You are. You'll get there. Being the one who keeps it together? Being the one who holds the sky up while your detectives do their job? It's not easy. No one ever pretended it is and that never changes. There aren't many people who can handle it but trust me when I say that we wouldn't be having this conversation if I didn't think you were one of them."

"It is _so much _harder now that….."

"Now that you're a mother?"

"We'll let him think that Fin and Amaro onside but I want to send Munch in to play hardball. Just because I lost my head back there doesn't mean I'm wrong and I _know_ that we can break him if we just take one more swing."

"Okay."

"Yeah?" asked Olivia, a little taken aback at Cragen not even hesitating before agreeing to her suggestion.

"Go brief your guys….." came the firm nod in response and without waiting for him to change his mind Olivia headed off to do as he said.

* * *

"Are you seriously trying to tell me that you've lived in this city all your life and never skated?"

"It wasn't really a necessary skill, ya know." Replied a disgruntled Fin as he laced his skates a little tighter and attempted to hoist himself upright onto them, "You know this just ain't natural. Walking on a couple of strips of metal."

"Oh quit bellyaching and give me your hand….." turned out in her own white leather skates and a riding hood red peacoat Amanda flashed him the brightest smile he had witnessed from her in some time and held her palm outstretched, "….come on you big oaf, it's not so hard."

"So how is it that you're such a smartarse at this? You put in a lot of snow time in southern Georgia did you?"

"I learned the first winter I was in New York…" reaching the edge of the rink and stepping out with confidence Amanda grabbed without asking for Fin's other hand and coaxed him out onto the ice after her, "…..I must just be a natural born skater."

"Yeah well I'm a dry land kinda guy."

"Just shuffle one foot in front of the other and trust that I gotcha….." ducking down and retrieving his eyes from the ice Amanda's bright eyes dared him, "… just trust me okay?"

"If I land on my ass and they need a crane and or a forklift to….."

"Oh shut up!"

"I'm just saying that when I break my neck and they ask questions you can tell them that I was here under duress so…."

"Under duress, huh?" feeling his grip tighten on her hand and his other arm slip around her waist Amanda bit a smiling lip.

"Just don't let go…" warned Fin, and it was several moments before Amanda remembered to exhale. It may only have been because she'd set his considerable frame on ice and he was uncertain of his footing, but whatever the reason the idea that he needed her as much as she needed him was breath taking. This giant hunk of entirely self-reliant man was clinging to her like he might never release his grip and she was absolutely certain in that moment that she never wanted him to.

"I won't."

"So this is it? I'm doing this thing….." taking a very quick look around him at the other skaters flying past as they inched their way at a slow crawl around the barrier Fin ventured a satisfied smile, "….and it isn't so bad after all."

"Yeah, yeah this is it. I mean generally people go a little faster but….." as they came to rest against the railing Amanda changed her mind and smiled, "…. I love you Fin."

"Where did that come from?"

"You hate this. You're a hot mess on ice and you're lying through your teeth saying it isn't so bad but you're doing it anyway. The same way you ate sushi last week and sat outside fitting rooms for seven hours yesterday while I found my dress for the wedding."

"Keep talking, you're making me sound good."

"You are good….." she replied softly, reaching out and grabbing at the lapels of his leather jacket to skate herself into him and add, "….you're the best."

"Move in with me, Peach?"

"What?" then realising their reality she laughed nervously and pulled a puzzled face, "I mean I would but in case you haven't noticed I kinda already do."

"I mean for real. Not just you crashing at my place because you've got nowhere else to go but…."

"Stop talking, you're making me sound pathetic."

"Choose to be there. Be there because it's your place too. Make it home."

"Fin I don' t know what to say…." but he did, and his words made sounds in her heart that it had never heard before.

"I mean I was kinda hoping you'd just say 'yes' but…."

"Yes."

"Okay then."

"Okay then."

"Hey, so here's the thing…."

"You want off the ice don't you baby?" laughed Amanda, rolling her eyes and happily surrendering.

"I just got lapped by a grandma and a kid still in diapers…" muttered Fin, nursing his ego with what could only have been described as a slight pout, "…. this ain't fun for me."

"One more go around and then we'll go for burgers and beer?"

"Deal!" came the jubilant agreement from Fin as he seized Amanda's hand and pushed himself back out onto the ice with determined gusto.

* * *

"I'm not asking you Evie! This isn't a debate!"

"No!"

"You can't go in the bath with your clothes on so they need to come off. It isn't optional, baby. Mommy is asking you to be a good girl and…. "

"NO!"

"Yes!"

"No I **won't**!"

"Oh _yes _you will Evie Grace Stabler because I said so and whether you like it or not for the next sixteen years you have to do what I…."

"Liv, Liv, hey, it's okay….." holding both hands outstretched Elliot rushed into the situation and stood between a magenta faced Eve and her equally incensed mother, "…. Mouse go take your clothes off and wait by the bath. I'll be right there."

"But Daddy I…. "

"Evie, please, go do what your mom asked…" with a tone that let the toddler know in no uncertain terms that her father meant business Elliot instructed firmly, "…. go be a good girl and take your clothes off for your bath."

"El I…."

"Don't worry I got this." Smiled Elliot as he reached out and gave her shoulder a supportive squeeze, feeling how her every muscle was tensed.

"I don't. I don't have this. I don't have this….." murmured Olivia, running a shaking hand across her lips before throwing an accusatory index finger toward Eve's bedroom, "….and that child is _impossible_ Elliot."

"Let me go get her down for the night and then we can talk….." maintain a level calm Elliot moved forward and kissed her with a placating tenderness, "… okay?"

"I'm fine I'm just tired….."

"Sure, sure but still." Said Elliot, not buying for one second that either of her statements were true as he propelled her toward the sofa and hoped she stayed away long enough for him to bathe Eve and return.

* * *

"Stomach flu."

"Seriously? That's what you're gonna call it in as?"

"No, no I'm gonna call up Liv and Cragen and tell them Rollins broke my freakin' ass!"

"You haven't broken your…" tossing her eyes and setting down a steaming coffee on the table in front of him Amanda shoved Fin lightly aside and settled beside him on the couch, "….you've just bruised your tailbone is all."

"Stupid damn ice."

"You were goin' real good there that last lap before you fell. A real pro!" then seeing he was far from impressed by her cheerleading Amanda tucked away a smile. "Would it help if I said I owe you? Big time?"

"Maybe….." feeling suddenly himself again Fin reached out and grabbed at her waist and hauling her up onto his knee despite the pain incurred, "….we'll have to negotiate terms."

"Why do I feel like I'm gonna be repaying my debts for a long, long time on this one….." she laughed as Fin used her mouth as medicine and entirely forgot his bruised tail and ego as he kissed her hungrily.

"Hey, hey, honey you're coffees getting cold….." came the breathy, lazy drawl as Amanda allowed the blood to rush back to her head and pulled away from their locked embrace a while later, "….you want me to fetch it?"

"Not if it means you moving."

"I got a call back from my friend in Tacoma while you were napping."

"Oh yeah?" asked Fin, shifting slightly but ensuring she was still nestled in his lap. "Any leads?"

"He found her….." swallowed Amanda, her eyes flitting nervously between Fin and the carpet, "… he found Georgia."

"And?" if his own heart was in his throat at the news he could only imagine how she must have been feeling when she took the call.

"She's fine. She's healthy, happy…." shrugging lightly Amanda swallowed with a bittersweet smile, "… she's doing great."

"That's…." struggling for words almost as much as she was Fin tested "…. that's good?"

"She's a sophomore at Washington State majoring in social work."

"Wow."

"Her dad owns a little construction company and her mom teaches fourth grade. Her brother went to California earlier this year on a football scholarship….." leaning forward Amanda retrieved her cell phone from the coffee table and pulled up a photograph, "… this is the whole family at his first game."

"Peach she's beautiful….." said Fin softly, as he saw the long blonde hair and all American smile of a girl the spitting image of her mother, "…she's…."

"She's happy, Fin."

"Your friend find out how you can get in contact with her? An cell number or address or….." treading lightly Fin offered, "… we could fly up there if you…."

"No."

"No?" she was so sure, so unhesitating and instant in her reply.

"Look at her? She's grown. She's got a family, friends, and this whole life up in Seattle. The life she was supposed to have. The life a fourteen year old kid in Macon could never have given her."

"Yeah but..."

"It was a closed adoption and I've always respected that. If she wants to find me now she's an adult then that's her deal but I won't go looking. That wasn't the deal."

"But you didn't make the deal in the first place it was your parents so…."

"That makes no difference to her."

"What about you? Don't you want to meet her? She's still your daughter even if she…."

"She's nearly twenty one years old Fin. She's a person. She knows who she is and it's not my daughter. What good would it do her to have me show up on her doorstep uninvited? It'd turn her whole world upside down and for what? It's not like we're gonna start baking cookies together and braiding each other's hair…."

"No but…."

"I thought I screwed it up. I thought I failed my kid. All these years I thought I was a bad mother because I gave her up. I thought I made the biggest mistake of my life but I didn't. It might've hurt like hell, it might still hurt like hell, but it was the _right_ thing. I knew that the moment I saw her in that picture with her family. I know now that being a good mama to Georgia ….." pain twisting across her face Amanda gave in to tears of relief and finished, "….meant letting someone else raise her."

"I just hope she knows what you've gone through for her."

"She's happy and for me her happiness is all that matters."

"You gotta be happy too though Peach….." said Fin softly, cuddling her against him and finding her cheek with a kiss, "….because to me _your_ what matters."

"I gotta believe that things happened the way they were supposed to. I gotta believe that she was supposed to go to Seattle and have this incredible family and life out there."

"And you were supposed to come to New York and break my ass?" smirked Fin.

"And if all that is true then I can maybe believe that just because I wasn't ready and able to raise a baby at fourteen doesn't mean if I ever had another one I'd be a total disaster as a mom and….."

"If you ever had another one?" asked Fin, his face falling into the perfect picture of surprise and hope. "You mean, like, it might be a possibility one day?"

"I….." she hesitated, before meeting his eyes and finding reassurance enough in them to dare, "…. yeah, yeah I think it might."

* * *

"She's exhausted but she's fighting it."

"Of course she is….." sighed Olivia who was sat on the sofa nursing Sam and a large glass of red when Elliot emerged from Eve's room, "… she wouldn't be Evie if she wasn't fighting something."

"She's a handful alright." Agreed Elliot with a tired smile as he poured himself a glass of water and took thirsty gulps before joining his fiancé on the couch.

"I should've known when her first word was 'no' that we were in for a hell of a ride…." tilting her head and staring down with lazy, adoring eyes at her son Olivia smiled, "…. she would never just lie still and take it all in like he does."

"You'd think after all he's been through _he'd_ be the difficult one but somehow he just seems to take the world in his stride. Check him out just chillin' there….." sliding in beside Olivia and slipping his arm around her waist Elliot drew her in close and then bent down to kiss Sam's belly, "… you got your mom and your pacifier and you're all set aren't you buddy?"

"I'm scared El."

"Yeah?" he asked softly, dusting her shoulder with his fingertips. "Of what?"

"I know that I need to be tough with her. I know that I'm not doing her any favours letting her get her own way or being scared to discipline her. She's just so headstrong. She's so damn stubborn and I guess I'm scared that if we fight too much and she gets pissed off enough then….."

"You can't be scared of a toddler, babe!" chuckled Elliot amusedly, reaching to her face but finding it just out of reach as she flinched away from him.

"Don't make fun of me."

"I'm not I just….."

"My mother and I fought. All the time. Round on round we'd tear lumps out of each other until there was nothing left. Nothing left of our relationship but desperation and the painful awareness that we were all each other had and I'm terrified that…."

"You're nothing like her….." there were no words strong enough and no volume loud enough to have the statement resound enough for her to really hear it, to believe it, and he knew that, "….and the relationship you have with Evie is _nothing _like the one you had with her."

"I love that little girl El…" tears pricking at her eyes Olivia looked up at him and whispered, "….more than my life's worth."

"I know."

"But I need _her _to know it. I need her to never doubt, not even for a second that even when she's a sassy mouthed, stubborn ass little hurricane I love her. So very much. I won't ever stop loving her. How can I ever make her understand that there isn't anything she or anyone else could do that would change….."

"Oh my God, oh my God…" closing his eyes and realising it was the anniversary of Serena's death Elliot buried his head in her shoulder for a moment before lifting his head and shaking it slowly, "…. Liv I am so sorry I didn't realise the date sooner."

"I was relieved Elliot."

"Liv…."

"When Cragen told me, when she was finally gone I wasn't just sad I was relieved. She'd spent my whole life climbing into that bottle and when she finally fell in, when she finally blacked it all out the way she'd been trying to do all those years I couldn't stop myself being glad. Being _glad _that my mother was dead and I could finally stop waiting for the call because it had always only been a matter of time. I know it's selfish, it's awful, and it's the worst thing a person could say when you've just lost Bernie and I'm a mother myself now but….." shaking her head and saying that which she could only to him Olivia whispered, "…it's easier without her."

"It might be selfish and awful but it's not the worst thing a person could say….." lowering his eyes with his own private shame Elliot confessed, "….and it's nothing that hasn't gone through my mind."

"I guess they both did the best they could."

"I remember being six and trying to convince my mom that even if we _could_ sail all the way to Alaska and on the dingy she had stuffed under her coat we were breaking the law stealing it. I knew what she was doing was wrong but she was my mom, you know? You're not supposed to argue or talk back to your parents, right?"

"Right."

"Six years old. That's how old I was when I figured out that just because my mom was a grown up didn't mean she was always right. Six years old when I figured out that I had a better grip on reality and that I was better equipped to handle the world than she was."

"I was nine."

"You were slow to catch on….." he quipped darkly, giving her exactly the black humour she needed to find release, and laughing grimly for a moment she caught her breath back.

"My mother used to take me to bars with her and hide me in a corner to do my homework while she drank. She'd come and check on me every hour or so and bring me peanuts and tonic water in a glass just like mommy's. Only this one time I remember my head feeling so fuzzy I could see the math problems swimming up and down the page. I couldn't feel my lips properly and when I stood up to go to the bathroom I felt like I was walking on clouds."

"You were drunk?"

"She'd left me her glass by mistake and suddenly it all made sense. I'd always known it wasn't just tonic she had in her glass and if she felt as confused and nauseous as I did after drinking it no wonder she was always so angry and sad after drinking it."

"Oh Liv…."

"Anyways a few hours passed and she never came back for me. She'd gone home with an Ancient History lecturer and when I asked after her at the bar they said she'd never mentioned having a daughter. He gave me the money for a cab home so I took it and left. I was fine and the next day she cooked a chicken and we pretend like it never happened but something had changed. I guess I'd always known it deep down but after that night I knew for sure that I couldn't rely on her. I loved her and in her own way she tried her best to love me back but the reality of it was….." nestling in closer to him Olivia added hoarsely, "…. I was on my own."

"It's hard when you realise that you're not the child…." said Elliot, with a sad recollection of his own childhood, "… or at least that your mother isn't the parent, isn't the grown up you thought she was."

"It's harder than I ever dreamed….." whispered Olivia, staring down at Sam with all the love and fear of a terrified mother, "…..promise me that you won't let me screw it up?"

"Liv you have no idea how you were _born_ to raise these kids and how they adore you more than I can never make you believe so don't even…."

"Mama?"

"Hey Mouse, what's going on?" called Elliot softly across the dimly lit lounge. "You want Daddy to come read you another story?"

"No."

"Then you gotta go back to bed and…."

"I want mommy….." hiccupping lightly against exhausted little sobs Eve rubbed her eyes and snuffled, "….my tummy is sad."

"It is?" gasping lightly with the heady rush of profound love that overwhelmed her as Eve wandered out of her bedroom sleepy and disorientated Olivia allowed Elliot to take the baby from her and held out her arms to her daughter. "Come here sweetheart….." running the last couple of steps into Olivia's waiting hug Eve tucked herself up into her lap and buried her tears in her chest, "… oh it's okay, don't cry baby girl. Mama's here."

"Where does your tummy hurt, baby?" asked Elliot, rocking Sam gently in the nook of one arm while reaching out and rubbing Eve's foot with his free hand.

"What do you reckon?" though for the most part Olivia worked from an inexperienced but instinctive gut feeling where her children were concerned she was always more than willing to seek the opinion of a veteran. "Should we should give her something for it?"

"Nah, nah I don't think that's gonna be necessary….." watching Eve's fussing settle to a low, babbling lull as she found home in Olivia's arms Elliot smiled adoringly, "… she's got exactly what she needs."

"I'd do anything for her Elliot…" mouthing the words so they were only just audible Olivia looked up from Eve to Elliot holding Sam and added, "… for both of them."

"And there won't be a second of their lives that they doubt that….." he replied, leaning forward with a tender kiss and added an affirming, "… you are _not _your mother Olivia."


	16. Sometimes The Snow Comes Down In June

"Ketchup and onions but no mustard thanks…" eyeing the vendor's condiment jars hopefully Olivia added, "… and if I could get an extra pickle or two thrown in that would be great."

"Uh oh."

"I'm sorry did you want to use your words or just pull faces at me Detective Tutuola?" she asked with a teasing smirk as she took receipt of her order and Fin stepped up to place his and pay for both.

"You know there's a limit to how many happy accidents one couple can have before…."

"What?" she asked, as they wandered away from the stand toward the water and she attempted to stop the breeze landing her hair in her hotdog.

"I mean don't get me wrong I wouldn't say no to another bundle of Benson/Stabler joy but…."

"I'm not pregnant you asshole." She scoffed, sinking her teeth into her lunch with a toss of her eyes. "I love my babies but I'm not a masochist. I don't need telling that Sam was my last role of that particular dice."

"Not a masochist?" smirked Fin before boldly teasing, "You are still planning to marry Stabler, right?"

"You're hilarious."

"You know you ate so many pickles when you were pregnant with Evie I was sure the kid was gonna come out green." Chuckling to himself at memories of them visiting his very hot dog stand with Olivia's stomach growing bigger and bigger under her coat Fin recalled, "I seem to remember it being the only way you'd take a damn break."

"I think I'd have worked right up until my water broke if David hadn't….." blinking her eyes, startled by the strength of the memory Olivia sighed, "… well, that all seems like a million years ago now."

"Haden was a good guy. I was rooting for him."

"The hell you were."

"Humph." Muttered Fin, wiping his mouth on a napkin and popping open his soda can without indulging a betraying smile.

"You might not have been El's biggest fan at the time but you were on my ass from the moment I peed on a stick to tell him the truth." Not feeling her most virtuous as they stood staring out at the Hudson Olivia laughed quietly, "You knew as well as I was fooling myself with Haden. It was nice enough but it would never have lasted ….." and then knowing she could she showed red rag to a bull, "…. a bit like it was over between you and Warner the moment you got stranded out there on a raft with a certain Georgia Peach."

"Shut up."

"I'm sorry if I've been slow to get on board…" in a rare moment of accepted liability Olivia flashed a warm smile before chomping the end of her pickle, "…. I've not exactly been supportive since she came back to the city."

"I get it…." shrugged Fin imperturbably, "… just the same as me castrating Stabler if he hurts you."

"I mean it's not _just _the same…." ventured Olivia cautiously, before her eyes smiled affectionately along with a grin, "… but yeah, yeah I guess it comes from the same place."

"She's good for me….." said Fin, confident in the fact he'd realised some time ago, "….she makes me want to do better, to be better."

"It's really serious between the two of you isn't it?" this, however, was something Olivia was newly realising and it took her a moment to allow the idea to settle. She had not been the only one, Amanda and Fin included, who had been sceptical about the longevity of SVU's latest romance. She was not the only one time was proving wrong.

"I've spent a lot of time pretending I'm just fine on my own and maybe most of the time I was. I guess I just can't imagine being alone again now though, without her….." turning to Olivia and lifting his shoulders in a heavy shrug Fin added, "….you know?"

"Yeah, yeah I do."

"And I know I can never have a do over. That isn't what this is. That isn't what this is about. It's about me being a different guy now. I wasn't ready for all this when Teresa and I were trying to make it work. I wasn't ready to be a father when Ken came along."

"Are you saying you are now?" not missing a beat Olivia was quick to ask the obvious. "That you want a baby?"

"I never thought I'd want to go there again and you should know that I mostly blame you for the change of heart."

"You're incredible with Evie and Sam." Went without saying but it touched Fin nonetheless that she said it anyway.

"Yeah well Peach isn't ready and we've not been together all that long so it's not likely to happen anytime soon. Besides I'm not getting any younger."

"You gotta do what's right for you Fin but I'm the last person to judge timing."

"No kidding." He chuckled, recalling the initial stomach drop they had both experienced watching the stick turn pink and realising that Detective Benson's unborn baby was about to change all their lives for ever. Though it may have seemed like forever ago now Evie's entrance into the world had been nothing if not inopportune.

"I waited and waited for the perfect time and the more I did the more I started to figure out that maybe there is no such thing. I wanted to be a mom more than anything in the world but honestly if I hadn't fallen pregnant with Evie it might never have happened. I'm not saying people should jump into parenthood before their ready or able to before their able support a child but….." wondering quite what it was she was trying to say and realising how poorly she was phrasing it Olivia sighed, "….my point is that if fate hadn't thrown me Evie then things would've been a whole lot different now."

"Was Sam planned?"

"Okay, okay let's not labour the point….." came the soft, self-conscious groan as Olivia came as close as she ever did to a blush, "….we're agreed that I'm no better than a horny sixteen year old."

"That isn't what I meant."

"I blame Elliot."

"Hey, hey it takes two to tango doll face."

"I should never have had Sam."

"Liv…."

"No, no this isn't remorse or regret I'm just saying. The chances of us conceiving two kids in two years? My age? Right from the start every doctor I saw told me the chances of me making in to full term were slim and the risk was too high."

"Yeah but you made the right call. You only have to look at the little guy to see that."

"What if it didn't turn out to be the right call? What if I'd died in theatre?"

"Liv…."

"El would be alone raising our kids punching everything in sight until his anger drove him out of his mind. Both he and Sam would have to live with the fact that his birth killed me."

"You've actually really thought about this haven't you?" sometimes, even now, it surprised Fin how melancholic she had the capacity to be.

"My point is that we're all just stumbling around in the dark. We do what we feel is right at the time and deal with the consequences later. Day in day out we see people asking what if I hadn't gone out that night? What if I'd gone home earlier with friends? What if I hadn't answered my door or my cell or….."

"What if I hadn't slept with my ex-partner at a police ball?"

"I wouldn't have two beautiful children and be picking out my wedding dress."

"Even if Peach _was_ ready what the hell kind of parents would we make?"

"I'm not sure you're asking that of the right person…." murmured Olivia with a flush of vulnerable self-deprecation.

"How'd you mean?"

"I mean you saw the hot mess I was when Evie was born. I had no clue what I was doing with her and we pretty much made it up together as we went along. She came into a world where her mom was trying to play house with a guy that wasn't her father and keeping her existence from the guy who was.

"Well when you put it like _that_ it doesn't sound so….."

"Even now she's hauled up in a two bedroom Manhattan shoebox with parents working all hours just living from day to day on the wing and a prayer that they're doing enough to keep her and her brother out of therapy someday."

"You're doing more than enough."

"Fin I learned a long time ago that it doesn't matter how we got here….." reaching out and giving his hand a gentle squeeze Olivia smiled, "…sometimes you just gotta work with what you've got."

"I hear ya Liv and I want this it's just…." it was the first time in a long time that she had seen Fin so deeply affected by something.

"Just keep talking to her….." her face etched with concern Olivia entreated, "… and keep talking to me."

"I've missed this, cheekbones…." and nodding with eyes that told of a mutual affection Olivia smiled.

"Me too."

* * *

"Did it ever occur to you she might not even be in there? That might just be sat here like total idiots while he's at an all-inclusive in Palm Springs having her head massaged?"

"Having her head massaged?" asked Nick Amaro from behind his takeout coffee mug as he and Rollins entered into their sixth stakeout hour.

"It's what I'd have done to me in the unlikely event I ever end up in a spa."

"Noted."

"So how are things?" she asked, because there was something about being trapped in a car with someone for a prolonged period of time that drove her to dig deeper than the usual small talk. "You doing okay? Find a place for you and Zara yet?"

"Yeah, yeah we're renting for now until I figure out….."

"Whether or not you're back for good?" offered Rollins when Nick trailed off into the distance with his sentence. His eyes pinned on the not so distant horizon of a nearby intersection and his mouth making evasive motions Amaro fell quiet. "Lot of memories here, huh?"

"Good ones as well….." said Nick quickly, so as not to cast an entirely bleak shadow on his life in New York, "….it's just hard not to replay everything when you go back to a place you know?"

"Yeah, yeah I do." Nodded Rollins, holding a mouthful of sweet coffee in her mouth and swallowing it along with the ghosts and memories her recent trip back to Georgia had exorcised.

"You know they always talk about hindsight being everything but for me it really is. When I look back at my marriage I can't believe it survived as long as it did. We were a million miles apart even when she was home. I think in some ways we were the most together when she was in the desert. Or at least we made the best show of it."

"Nick that's so sad."

"We were never honest with each other Rollins." Said Nick with a quiet regret sadder than any of his earlier rage or the brooding melancholy she had witnessed in him when his addiction had gripped hardest. This was a soft recollection of a now distant pain and it was heart breaking. "Maybe in the beginning we were but I've even come to doubt that. Her heart belonged to the military and our marriage was only ever going to come in second. I was only ever going to come in second. Then when you added my job into the mix there was just too much between us. We should've talked about what we wanted from the start."

"Otherwise you're just always chasing shadows." Said Rollins, as a new reality began to dawn.

"I would never have admitted it but I wanted her out. I heard story after story of men and women managing the military and being a parent but I couldn't see it. All I saw was how it affected Zara and all the nights I stayed up while she cried. Duty, service, God and country meant jack shit to a hysterical four year old."

"You resented her for not hanging up her uniform to be a mom."

"I tried not to. I'm not a total ass. I mean look at Liv? She's a working mom doing long days at a job that sucks the life out of her….." shrugging almost apologetically for even saying it Nick added, "….but her kids still recognize her."

"I guess the ugliest conversations are usually the most important ones."

"I loved Maria. I loved her passion and her loyalty to a cause and a uniform that eventually killed her. I just wish that we'd had more conversations instead of all those endless hours talking at each other."

"Don't be too hard on her Nick. We got it easy because our cause is right on our doorstep and our uniform lets us go home at night."

"I guess I never thought about it like that. Or maybe I did and I ignored it."

"You can't compare Benson and Maria it isn't fair. It's just circumstance in Liv's favour…" and then startling Nick with the blunt accuracy of her statement Rollins arched a testing eyebrow and asked, "….if SVU was in Mosul instead of Manhattan it'd make Stabler's head spin to see how quickly she'd deploy."

"And if he thought it was what she really wanted he'd encourage her to go just the same way I did to Maria."

"Exactly.

"I don't claim to the guy the way the others here do but I'd put money on their being one major difference between Liv and Maria."

"What's that then?" asked Amanda, genuinely curious.

"If he told her that Evie wet the bed every night she was gone. If he told her that Sam didn't recognise pictures of her no matter how often you tried to jog his memory. If he told her that her family needed her home. If he told her that **he **needed her home….." with a light mist of tears at his eyes Nick nodded with confidence, "…. she'd be on the next flight."

"Maybe."

"You don't think so?" said Nick a little surprised.

"Oh don't get me wrong I'm not on Olivia's ass. She's a friend and she's a great mom I just don't think life is that easy. She might be on the next plane home but would she end up resenting Elliot for bringing her home the same way you resented Maria for staying."

"I've never heard you talk like this before."

"Whatever…." she shrugged, pushing a pen back and forth across her desk, "….let's get back to work shall we?"

"Amanda…."

"Hey, hey check it out that's her headed for that black SUV….."

* * *

"I look like a sixteen year old debutante."

"Yeah, yeah okay admittedly that one is probably a little too meringue for this particular…."

"Debutant which is coming directly after drag queen, which followed swan queen and my particular favourite….." throwing her head back and groaning Olivia added, "….the dress that made me look like Lady Gaga on her retirement tour."

"Olivia you're beautiful in all of them…." uncrossing her legs and them promptly tucking one back over the other in the reverse direction Alex Cabot proffered a level smile, "… but it's got to be perfect and we won't stop searching until it is."

"Maybe I was too quick to dismiss a tasteful pant suit."

"There's still time yet and….."

"If that twelve year old out there refers to me as a mature bride _one more time _then there might not be all that much time left for her!"

"Liv….." peering up at her friend from over her glasses Alex couldn't help but smirk, "… take a breath."

"It's just all been so….." catching herself becoming emotional Olivia turned away from Alex and, to her horror, was confronted by her own reflection repeated multiple times down a wall of mirrors.

"Just breathe, darling."

"I was talking to Fin the other day about how all this…."

"Breathe."

"I had Evie and it was all chaos and fighting and loving El but not being able to be with him. Then we were together but it was so hard for him divorcing Kathy and then I fell pregnant again and Sam and I had to fight like hell to…" turning back to Alex she sighed shakily and looked at her friend with watery brown eyes, "…. it sounds pathetic but I just want this day to be perfect."

"I know you do."

"I just want to stand there with Evie bossing everyone around and Sam just grinning at everyone and eating his fingers and me standing next to Elliot because he's mine. They're mine. I want to stand there in a dress that I don't look ridiculous in and say….." pressing her lips together and then giving Alex a nervous but euphoric little smile Olivia added, "… this is my family."

"Eve Stabler will be Attorney General one day….." chuckled Alex with a raise of her eyebrows, "…. you heard it here first."

"I've lost my mind haven't I?"

"Only if you think after everything you've been through thus far I'm about to let you get defeated by a dress."

"Oh my God I don't even know who I am right now." With her face the picture of mortification Olivia ran both hands upward through her hair before shaking her head and staring at Alex with a helpless eye roll.

"Take that off and get dressed….." instructed the ADA with a firm tone, rising from her seat and unzipping Olivia with a brusque, almost pinching swiftness, "….we're going for a dry martini lunch."


	17. Our Version Of Events

_**Happy New Year everyone! Haven't written you a little note in a while so thought this would be a good time. Two updates in a short space of time - mostly due to the pacing having been a little slower over the last couple of chapters so I thought I'd throw a curve ball at y'all hehe! I've been crackign on with writing this and the more I run with it and the characters continue to evolve the more fun it is to write - and hopefully read! I feel like the core cast is fairly well established and I'm especially enjoying Evie no longer being a baby and becoming her own little person with a very definite personality... well Benson and Stabler's first born was never going to be a shy retiring type now was she! **_

_**Hope you're still enjoying it and rest assured so long as you are all along for the ride there are plenty more twists and turns to come - thanks for reading :) **_

* * *

"Do you have children Detective Benson?"

"We're not talking about me." Answered Olivia with a level calm as she stared across the table at her suspect.

"I'll take that as a no then….." leaning forward as curtains of wild curls fell around her shoulders the middle aged woman's hazel eyes penetrated deep in the detective, "… because a _mother_ would understand."

"You broke the law Angela."

"The law is a crock."

"It…."

"Where was the law when Katie needed it?"

"You broke into a man's house and you gutted him like a stuffed pig with a kitchen knife." Pronouncing the words with a careful, determined calm Olivia held her ground and her nerve against the deeply affecting emotion of a woman who had simply lost control.

"He tortured my little girl!" came the blood chilling cry as the woman pushed back against the desk and threw her arms in the air. "He _brutalised _her and she's only five! I hope he dies! I hope he rots in hell for what he did!"

"No one is saying that what happened to Katie wasn't horrific and unthinkable but…."

"Whoever stabbed him did the world a favour."

"Whoever stabbed him had no right to take the law into their own hands."

"You won't get me to stay what you want to me to."

"No matter how violent, how cruel or how….." twisting her mouth and chewing at her cheek for a moment Olivia took a pause before continuing slowly, "… no one has the right to play judge, jury and executioner."

"You don't get it."

"I do."

"You can't ever understand…."

"My daughter is two years old Angela."

"Oh….. I….." flushing slightly her hands trembled as the ran across her lips and her eyes settled on Olivia's for the first time. Staring hard she saw past the shield and the gun and saw the woman behind them, "….what's her name?"

"My point is that not even in my worst nightmares can I imagine what you're going through right now. If someone did what Bassitt did to Katie to my little girl then I'd lose my mind too. I'd want him to pay for what he did."

"So you _do_ understand?" came an emphatic smile.

"I can understand you wanting justice. Truly I can. But what you did isn't justice it's vengeance. You're right that every mother would want to kill him….." leaning forward and recapturing Angela's eyes Olivia added poignantly, "…. but not every mother would actually attempt murder."

"I was supposed to protect her!"

"I know."

"I never should've left her there! I never should've let her take those damn keyboard lessons and I _never_ should've left her alone with him!"

"What happened to Katie was **not** your fault, Angela…." reaching out and laying her hand atop the suspects Olivia softened at the edges, "… you made a judgement call. We all do it. As parents we make choices every and you were not the only one to trust Dwayne Bassitt."

"What will happen to her if I go to jail?" came the tearful hiccough as Angela tightened her fingers around Olivia's warm hand. "Her daddy ran off when she was just a baby. She has no one else. Who will look after her if they lock me away?"

"I….." with a stinging at her throat and tears threatening to betray her Olivia breathed rapid, shallow breaths and held herself together with everything she had. "Angela stop talking."

"I just wanted him to hurt the way Katie…."

"Stop!" leaning forward and closing her free hand over Angela's hand Olivia stared pleadingly into her eyes and entreated. "Sweetheart please, _please _don't say anything else until I've got you a lawer."

"I told you I don't need one I just…."

"Please?" interjecting quickly and hoping that Angela could ready between the lines, could infer from the alarm in her expression why she was begging her silence. "We've appointed you one anyway it just sometimes takes a little time for them to get here."

"What's her name?" understanding what the fellow mother was saying Angela relaxed her shoulders and, still holding fast to Olivia's hand smiled painfully. "Your little girl?"

"I…." pursing her lips Olivia hesitated a moment before returning a nervous smile and answering softly, "…. Evie. Her name is Evie."

"Could I get a water?" asked Angela hoarsely. "While I want for my laywer?"

"Sure, sure of course….." rising from her chair Olivia broke their hands and adjusted the hang of her jacket, "… be right back."

"Well…."

"Not a word." Shutting down whatever Cragen and Amaro were about to say to her on leaving the interview room Olivia simply shook her head knowingly and sighed.

"You had her, Liv.

"Don't….." she warned, holding both palms out toward the two men and pinning them to the wall with a stare neither one of them was about to argue with, "….just don't."

* * *

"They're in bed already?"

"It's nine fifteen babe of course…."

"But I bought them both new books and I was supposed to read with them….." sensing that they were just moments from a total meltdown Elliot edged closer to Olivia as she stood in the doorway still wearing her coat, shoes, a look of utter exhaustion, "….damit El!"

"Okay so I'm just gonna….." proceeding with caution Elliot reached out and seized her purse, tossing it over the back of the sofa before going back to help her out of her coat, "… take these….."

"I didn't realise how late it had gotten and I stopped to get muffins for Evie's preschool picnic thing and all they had left was strawberry and she hates strawberry which doesn't really matter because they're not really _for_ her but I went to a different store anyway which took forever because I hit traffic on the….."

"Liv? Hey, hey….." hanging up her coat Elliot reached for her hand and lead her toward the sofa, which she gave little protest to collapsing onto, "….try breathing a little more for me, will you?"

"How did Sam's appointment go?"

"Are you really listening?" because he knew that it often took her a good hour on returning from work to fully tune in to anything he was saying. It was how she processed the day and he understood it the same way she understood his post-work run.

"Yeah, yeah I am why? Is it bad news?"

"He's done it, babe. Our boy hit goal weight."

"Seriously?" somewhere between laughing and crying Olivia shook her head and experienced something close to a total short-circuit. "I don't know what to…."

"He's right exactly where he's supposed to be for a kid his age and the doc said he's a real little bruiser. One of the strongest babies he sees."

"Elliot I'd do murder."

"Wow, okay, not exactly what I thought you'd say but….."

"Angela Murphy butchered the keyboard teacher who raped her five year old daughter. I gt a call last thing to say that he'd survived surgery…."

"But?" he asked, because he could see in her eyes there was one.

"It's different now El. I can't do my job the way I used to and I don't know how to….." turning away from him as the tears she'd been swallowing all day escaped silently down each cheek Olivia whispered, "…. it's different now."

"I get it."

"Do you? I felt like a hypocrite today and I scared myself. I scared myself because if it'd be Evie he'd hurt then there would've _been_ no surgery. He wouldn't have survived."

"Liv…."

"I dream about it Elliot. What I'd do. How I'd do it. The mercy I wouldn't show. The margin of error I wouldn't leave."

"Do you think I don't dream about it?" he asked with a calm surrender borne out of years of battling the same demon. "Do you think I haven't dreamt about it every single night since Maureen was born?"

"I feel like a crazy person."

"You feel like a parent."

"You make it sound okay….." screwing up her face, unable to process the strength of emotion coursing through hot veins Olivia shook her head with distaste, "….and it's not. It is **not** okay."

"I'm no saint, Liv. I've done a lot of things in my life that I'm not proud of and I've taken lives in the heat of the moment that…."

"El I'm sorry I didn't mean to bring up…."

"Being prepared to do whatever it takes to protect your children and breaking into a guy's house to gut him with a kitchen knife are two very different….."

"Wait how did you know about the case?" realising he knew more than she had divulged earlier Olivia queried, "Did your captain call?"

"No….." he confessed with a concerned smile, reaching out and squeezing her wrist gently, "… no Cragen did."

"To warn you I'm a hysterical wreck?" she laughed bitterly, too exhausted to be proud.

"I'm worried about you Liv."

"Don't be, don't be I'm okay. I'm not _actually _homicidal I just had a bad day."

"I know you did. And I know that you talking like this is the same way as me punching walls and crunching weighs. Being a parent on the job is rough. It's hell. I'm not worried you're gonna cross the line because I know we're both stronger than that I'm just not sure this captain gig is good for you right now."

"I'm fine babe….." flashing him a smile she leant over and pressed a kiss against his jaw that did little to ease his troubled expression.

"But _are _you though?"

"Cragen said the brass wanted me. He wants me. I can't let them down. Maybe this is how I'm supposed to keep helping people. Maybe this is where it's all been meant to lead all these years. I'm a good detective and they chose me for this….." shrugging with an acceptance Elliot was yet to achieve Olivia spoke steadily, "… I can't let them down."

"I didn't read them their new books….." smiled Elliot, dropping his arm around her shoulders and dragging her in for a hug, "… maybe I'll go to mass by myself at the weekend and leave you in bed with the kids. You can marathon all this week's bedtimes in one go."

"I love you."

"Me too, and just for the record? Of the two of us?" he smirked with a poignant injection of sincerity, "I'm pretty sure the odds aren't on it being _you_ who flies into a violent rage and carves up a perp."

"That isn't even close to being funny."

* * *

"That isn't what this is!"

"I said already that I don't wanna talk about it so why are we still…."

"I just wanted to start the conversation is all Peach."

"I know, I know it's just…."

"I'm not pressuring you. This isn't happening now. After Atlanta and finding out that stuff about who Georgia is it's not the right time. I just need to know if it will _ever _be the right time Amanda. I need to know….." things hadn't gone at all the way he'd planned but it was too late to retreat now and so Fin added his final question, "… is it ever going to happen for us?"

"It had nothing to do with exit wounds."

"What?" knowing they were no longer discussing his desire for a child Fin removed his jacket and took up a perch on the couch arm.

"I lied."

"Peach what are we talking about?" staring at her from the other side of the room he suspected that wherever they were about to go he ought to be wearing armour and a fight face.

"I told you that I didn't know how Cragen swung it. That I didn't know what calls he made and how it he made it so I could keep my shield."

"Do I wanna hear this?" total disclosure, he realised grimly, was highly overrated.

"Cragen cut a deal with the brass. They had questions to answer and he answered them. Since I was on loan from NYPD it made the operation in Atlanta a joint one. It didn't matter whether the head that rolled was my captain down there for setting up a shoddy op or…."

"Or my captain." Swallowed Fin as suddenly everything became painfully clear. "Are you really saying what I think you are? That you stood by and let Cragen take the fall for your screw up?"

"What did you just say?" she balked, as everything supportive thing he'd said to her in the wake of the tragedy in Atlanta came shattering down around her ears.

"SVU is his whole life Amanda. It's all he has! What the hell is he gonna do in Sleepytown, California? It was one thing when it was his choice but…."

"It still _is_ his choice!"

"Bullshit! He's going because he's protecting you! And how long do you think it's gonna take for him to pick up a bottle again once he realises the dumbass mistake he made!"

"Fin you can't put that on me!" cried Amanda, her blue eyes icing with indignant hurt. "And trust me that you can take your best shot but you can't make me feel any worse about this than I already do. I didn't ask him to do this. I was ready to walk but it was a done deal before I even knew what he was….."

"Liv…."

"What about her?" she asked with a vinegar swallow. Somehow it was always about Olivia.

"Where is she in all of this?" came the slow, uneasy question from Fin as he fit the pieces together and was less than comfortable with the picture it created.

"Where is she?" breathed Amanda wearily. "She's freakin' captain, Fin. That's where she is."

"Why?" he pushed, and shrugging her shoulders with genuine puzzlement Amanda pulled a face of obliviousness. "Peach is she captain because the brass think she's the best person for the job?"

"I….."

"Is she behind that desk because they think she's ready for this or because….." closing in eyes and inhaling with a wave of nausea Fin stopped himself, "….you know what don't answer that. I don't want to know."

"Fin…"

"I need some air."

"Please, please can we just…."

"Don't wait up."

* * *

"It's only been six weeks. I need more time."

"There is no time."

"She isn't ready yet."

"She isn't or you aren't?" asked Ed Tucker, knowing his old colleague all too well. "I appreciate that this is a difficult transition for you Don. The police is your life and none of us want to see you go but that was the deal. That was what we agreed."

"I haven't forgotten the terms." Said Cragen with a grave faced acceptance.

"Then, due respect, why is Detective Rollins sat out there at her desk….." turning to the window in the captain's office and back Lieutenant Tucker pushed, "….and you're in here at Captain Benson's."

"She isn't captain yet."

"She needs to be."

"Do you have any idea the hell she's been through this past couple of years?" challenged the paternal fear in Donald Cragen as he stepped so far over the line he could no longer see where he had come from.

"Yeah, yeah I have a fair idea. She had an affair with her married former partner and fellow NYPD officer, had his child and all but destroyed what was previously an incredibly promising police career."

"She almost died you insensitive bastard!" And with no clearer vision of where he was headed Cragen allowed a rare moment of personal anger to cloud his professional judgement, "And if her police career is as damaged as you suggest it is then why are you in such a damn hurry to have her replace me!" yelled Cragen, their voices drowning out a knock at the office door.

"Because she's all we've got Cragen!" the gloves were off now and both men knew that the fight that followed was going to be savage, bloody and irretraceable. "Your precinct is in the goddamn shit _yet again_ and we've got to think outside the box here. Benson is the media's darling_, s_he's the bleeding heart, the human face of SVU and it helps that it's a damn good looking one."

"Tucker you've sunk pretty low before but…."

"Don't bust my balls for doing my job Don. The bottom line is that sure we could fly in some smartarse from narcotics or homicide or computer crimes with qualifications coming out of his ass but it'd be the same PR disaster it was after your little indiscretion a few years back. Benson might not be the best man for the job….." shrugged the unremorseful shoulders of the silver haired man standing between Don Cragen and the door neither one had noticed was already open a crack "….but she takes a better photo."

"Olivia….." breathed Don, as though it may well be his last, as he witnessed the utter devastation in his protégés eyes. Standing with her hand glued, white knuckled, to the door handle a pale faced Detective Benson stared down the two men and summoned every muscle and sinew not to give them the satisfaction of seeing her even so much as flinch.

"Detective Benson we were just…."

"Captain I just came to tell you that those medical histories you wanted are on Amaro's desk and I'm done for the night."

"Liv…." but as Cragen rushed forward Olivia stepped rapidly back and speaking through gritted teeth managed a determined.

"I'm done, Captain."


	18. The Greater Fool

"Liv wait…."

"What's going on?" asked Fin, rising from his desk as Rollins and Amaro flanked him on either side. Watching Cragen burst from his office after Olivia, with Tucker hanging back with a unreadable expression on his face, the detectives all stood at their guard and waited for the glass to shatter.

"Did you know?"

"Olivia this is my fault not….."

"Oh I know _you_ knew, Peachy Keen….." hissed Olivia, throwing a silencing index finger in the air between herself and Rollins while running Fin's blood cold with a glare that could have frozen the Hudson, "…. I'm talking to him."

"Liv…."

"Did you know, Fin?" shrugged Olivia, refusing to back down despite the low hum of speculation from the assembled throng.

"I…."

"Okay, okay great well I have kids to pick up so….." inhaling deeply Olivia squared her shoulders to her audience and forced a smile that felt to almost break her jaw, "… goodnight."

"Detective Benson?" called Tucker, stepping out of Cragen's office and looking at her with the kind of pity she had never throughout the course of her entire career had to stomach playing witness to. "I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding here so…."

"Do you?" asked Olivia pointedly, looking back over her shoulder and clutching her purse like a weapon. "Because I don't….." darting her eyes between Fin's anguished expression and Cragen's mortification Olivia spat, "...for me everything just became crystal clear."

* * *

"Mommy I'm the queen!"

"You sure are smarty pants, and is this your crown?" fingering the roughly cut cardboard atop Eve's head with a tired smile Olivia cooed, "Did you have craft time with Auntie Alex?"

"Note how she's not just _a_ queen she's _the_ queen…." chuckled Alex, emerging from her kitchen with a typically placid Sam pinned against her hip, "….we've been learning about England haven't we darling?"

"I'm gonna be queen of 'Merica mommy."

"Oh wow….." mouthed Olivia, making starfish shapes with her fingers as teased Sam before finally diving in to grab him from Alex and bring him in for a hug, "…. and how are you doing little guy?"

"I swear to God he's literally the easiest baby there ever was. He's just chillin' the whole time aren't you kid…." tugging Sam's shirt down where it was threatening to ride up his back Alex ruffled his hair fondly and smiled, "… quite the opposite of his sister."

"She wasn't too much trouble was she?" flinched Olivia, looking to her friend for the truth.

"Are you kidding me? She's the most fun I've had in a long time…." same the soft laugh from Alex as she packed up some of Eve's sparkly belongings into her backpack, "… it's a refreshing change from all the stuffy suits in the DA's office."

"You still battling it out with Barba?" asked Olivia, though there was little weight behind the words and her mind was quite clearly a million miles away.

"I don't know how to put this delicately Liv….." it was the first time in the course of their exchange that Alex had paused to properly look at her friend and she didn't like what she saw, "… but you look like hell."

"Thanks."

"Everything okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Only you've got a lot on your plate right now and you're handling it all like a pro but…"

"I'm glad someone thinks so."

"Look if you wanna crack a bottle of wine and talk then…."

"I'm fine Alex….." came the unconvincing nod of dismissal as Olivia hitched Sam a little further up her hip and made a grab for Evie's wrist as she flew past her right side, "….thanks for watching these two."

"El gonna be home when you get back?" asked Alex, as casually as she could manage will still assuring herself that there would be someone watching Olivia, who she knew was far from fine.

"Yeah, yeah he should be finishing up in the next hour or so."

"Maybe it's his turn to do bedtime tonight then!" laughed Alex with a determined effort at nonchalance.

"Nope, no tonight bedtime is all mine….." said Olivia with that determined look in her eye that had put the fear of God into Alex in her professional capacity, "… and maybe it should be more often. Goodnight Alex, thanks again."

"Night Liv…." came the attorney's uneasy smile as she waved to Sam and Evie, "… night kids."

* * *

"Can we talk?"

"I'm not really in a talking mood Peach."

"I'm sorry….." said Amanda with a quiet reticence as she hung back in the doorway of Fin's bedroom, "…. I really am."

"Okay."

"I didn't know….." she began with a nervous quiet, sensing that the ice beneath her feet was thin and her feet were heavy, "… you gotta believe that. You gotta believe me that all I knew was that I could stay. That Cragen fixed it."

"I believe you saw what you wanted to see….." shrugging with the realisation of his own failings Fin added sadly, "….we both did."

"What does that mean?" she asked, though in truth she could probably have begun to decipher what he was inferring.

"I should've asked more questions when you told me Cragen cut a deal with the brass. I should've smelt rats when he was suddenly shipping out West and setting Liv up to take his place. I didn't ask questions because I didn't want to know the answers. It was easier to let sleeping dogs."

"If I'd have known it was all smoke and mirrors promoting Olivia I swear I would've…."

"Would've what?" challenged Fin with a snarled lip. "Raised your hand? Bullshit you would've."

"Fine! Fine maybe I wouldn't have but you have _no right_ to judge me Fin. You said it yourself that you knew there was more to the story right from the start but we both had too much to lose shootin' holes in the….."

"She's family Peach."

"And I'm an idiot."

"You're something."

"I thought you were on my side Fin."

"I was, I am….." closing his eyes and shaking his head wearily Fin leant forward and dropped his head into his hands with a heavy sigh, "….but this is messed up."

"Yeah, yeah it is." She nodded slowly, chewing at her bottom lip and sensing they were moving to the edge of a precipice from which the only way was down.

"I know you went through hell in Atlanta. And you're right I didn't want to know how Cragen fixed it because I wanted you to stay. It's just when you know the facts and when…."

"When it involves Olivia?" she asked, her face the perfect picture of disappointed chagrin.

"This should never have happened."

"But it did happen."

"You should never have been in that situation."

"But I _was_ Fin. I made a judgement call and then I ran and I shouldn't have. I should've stayed in Atlanta to face the music and taken the fall myself but I didn't. I came here. I came here to you and you let me stay. You took me in when I had nowhere else to go and you stood by me. You trusted that even though what I did was stupid and reckless and broke the law I did it for good reasons. You believed in me when I wasn't even sure I believed in myself anymore and you made me believe you were on my side."

"Peach you know I…."

"Only now I'm startin' to wonder if you were only on my side when you had nothing to lose."

"That isn't fair."

"None of this is fair, buddy."

"Cragen has given his _life _to the job and now he's gotta leave through the back door? Take the fall for something he didn't even know was happening that had _nothing _to do with him?"

"How about we talk about what's really bothering you here? Because we both know it's not how all this is affecting Cragen."

"Her _face_ Amanda….." breathed Fin, the image of a devastated Olivia imprinted on the inside of his eyelids, "…. it was like we'd pulled the floor out from under her."

"And I am _sorry _that she had to get dragged into this but she's a big girl Fin. I know you all like to treat her like a kicked dog but…."

"Hey!"

"No! No I am done tiptoeing around Benson like she's some sort of goddamn saint! So she's got a past? We all do. Everyone has something, everyone has been hurt, everyone has their cross to bear and I am sick and tired of everyone acting like her pain matters more!"

"Don't do this Peach. Don't go to a place we can't get back from."

"We have to go there or this won't ever be able to work. If we don't go there then none of the rest of it matters because we're over before we've even begun."

"I can't pretend that Olivia means less to me than she does."

"Are you gonna pretend that if it was Elliot who'd gotten in trouble in Atlanta and they'd promoted _you_ to captain in Cragen's place….." narrowing her eyes and shooting straight for the heart Rollins challenged, "…. that Liv would've spoken up even if she had known the truth? That she'd have sacrificed Elliot's ass to do right by you?"

"I….."

"You're a fool for her Fin."

"I don't wanna have this conversation." He said though inside the walls of his heart shook with the violent aftershocks of her painfully accurate accusation.

"I know you don't, but maybe you need to. I love you Fin and I am _sorry_ that Benson's ego got bruised in all of this truly I am. I didn't mean for any of this to happen and if I could take it all back I would but it did and I can't. It is what it is and all we can do is work with what we've got left. It's hard for me to say this without coming across as a crazy jealous bitch but this friendship you have with Olivia isn't healthy. It isn't equal."

"You can't speak to what you don't understand Peach."

"I understand that you've been through a lot together. I understand that she's got a great relationship with Ken and you shared her pregnancy together and you're close. You're really close and that's great. I love that you have someone like that in your life. I just don't think that the way things are at the moment, the way you feel about her leaves enough room for anyone else. I don't think that it leaves room for….." catching herself off guard with the black and white of it all Amanda felt the words catch as her eyes filled with tears and she choked, "… well for me."

"I'm not in love with her."

"I know you're not."

"Nothing will ever happen between me and Liv you don't gotta worry about that I swear…."

"And I trust that."

"So what's the problem?"

"The problem….." it became clear in that moment that she might never be able to make him truly understand, and she wondered whether it would only do them further damage if she kept trying, "….look forget it, we've both had a long day and…."

"I love you Peach."

"Yeah, yeah I know you do big guy….." she was crying now and it hurt, it burned at her eyes and it tore at her heart and she could feel the threat of goodbye lurking in the shadows of the room around them.

"I don't get what the problem is?" said Fin, staring at her with a critically puzzled expressioin in the hope that she might rephrase. She didn't even try, however, simply reached for her brown leather jacket and dragged it on with a dejected smile.

"And I'm not sure you ever will."

* * *

"But, as Yertle, the Turtle King, lifted his hand and started to order and give the command that…."

"That's Mack, mommy. Look….." with her loud whispering voice reserved only for bedtime, when she was snuggled tightly into the nook of Olivia's right arm and her brother was on the opposite side, Evie pointed a confident index finger, "… it's gonna be Mack."

"Yeah, yeah it is baby. Let's listen okay? So as King Yertle starts to give his command…." paraphrasing Olivia kissed the top of Eve's head and returned her eyes to the page, "…that plain little turtle below in the stack, that plain little turtle whose name was just Mack decided that he'd had enough. And he had. And that plain little lad got a bit mad. And that plain little Mack did a plain little thing…."

"Don't stop mama!" blinked Eve, as they arrived at her most favourite part of the story.

"I think you know what it's gonna be don't you baby girl?" beamed Olivia, watching bright blue little eyes twinkling up at her all full of eager anticipation. "Sam and I have forgotten haven't we, kid? Can you remember?"

"He burps! He burps!" squirming around in her seat Evie scrunched her elbows tight into her waist and curled her fingers to fists with excitement.

"He burps!" laughed Olivia, giving Eve's waist a squeeze. "And his burp shook the throne of the king!"

"He's dirty mama, look he's got dirty in the ground cos' he felled off his chair."

"He _fell_ off, baby."

"Look Sammy he's all bleugh dirty…." thrusting the book in her brother's direction so that he might give it more careful attention Eve waited for the dozing infant to respond, "… look!"

"I think he is looking Evie he's just a little bit tired is all. Remember how we talked about him not being as big as you and…."

"I memember….." nodding with a very serious expression on remembering the talks both her mother and father had delivered about the delicacies of being an older sister, and how to be mindful of her younger brother's shortcomings Eve found herself quickly distracted, "… but mama why'd Mack make Yertle in the dirt? Was he bad?"

"What do you think, sweetie? Do you think all the other turtles liked it when King Yertle shouted at them all the time?"

"No….." replied Eve after careful consideration, with her pink tongue poking out as if often did between her lips while concentrating, "….he's a bossy boots."

"Yeah, yeah he is…." chuckling to herself but hiding it well Olivia wondered how many times Eve had been described as such herself, "… you ready to go to sleep now sweetheart?"

"He looks silly!" giggled Eve, pointing at the mud covered King Yertle.

"Yeah, yeah he does…." nodded Olivia with a strained smile, and with the keen intuition of a child Eve knew that something in her mother had changed. A sudden brooding melancholy had come over her and she was no longer smiling with her eyes.

"I'm sleepy mama….." said Eve, not because she particularly was but because something she couldn't understand told her that it was what Olivia wanted from her. In truth she wanted to hear the rest of the story and stay pressed up against the warmth of Olivia's body and listen to her voice.

"You snuggle down under your blanket then and I'll come back to kiss you goodnight when I've put your brother down. Okay?"

"Okay."

* * *

"I'm Yertle the turtle."

"What?" asked Elliot, half sitting half lying in an armchair with one eye on her and one on the game.

"I spent the past few weeks acting like I had the right to boss everyone around and now I'm lying in the mud looking like the idiot who…."

"I knew you'd had a bad day." Said Elliot, reaching for the remote and dipping the sound as he watched her take another steady sip from her glass of red. "What happened?"

"I'm fine."

"Sure, sure I know you are…." leaning forward in his seat Elliot braced his elbows against his knees and clasped his hands, looking over at her and smiling with a loving patience, "…but you wanna tell me about it anyway?"

"Remember I told you how I didn't buy Fin's story about how and why Rollins wound up coming back to SVU from Atlanta?"

"Yeah."

"Well I still don't know the details but the point is to make it happen Cragen cut a deal with the brass. They forced his retirement."

"Cragen didn't want to leave?" said Elliot, though in truth he ought not to have been surprised. "I mean I remember you saying when he first brought it up that you thought it was a little out of the blue but…."

"He spun me this whole story about being tired and not being able to hold his own anymore and I bought every word. My gut told me it was kinda sudden and it was strange for him to be the one to pull me back to work after years of….." taking a long gulp of wine Olivia swallowed it down with her pride, "… but he told me I was ready for captain and I _believed_ him."

"Liv what's going on here?" he asked gently, realising that he was uncovering more than just a bad day hiding behind her half bottle of Merlot. "Are you seriously saying Cragen traded in his shield to bring Rollins back?"

"It would seem that way."

"And making you captain was…."

"Good PR apparently.

"But….."

"Which is ironic considering apparently my affair with my married partner and illegitimate love child has all but destroyed my _promising _police career."

"He said that? Son of a bitch, I'll kill him!" raged Elliot, his voice and anger muted only by his fear of waking the children.

"According to Tucker while they could 'fly in' someone younger, smarter and better able to do the job from another unit it wouldn't have appeased the public and his superiors quite like promoting their resident bleeding heart."

"Babe you must've misunderstood what he….."

"I think his _exact _words were 'Benson might not be the best man for the job but she takes a better photo'..." flinching at the words spoken aloud again Olivia poured herself another generous glass and took a gulp before glaring at Elliot and adding deprecatingly, "… so there really wasn't much room for misinterpretation."

"I always knew the guy was a total asshole but this takes it to a whole new…."

"I only had to look at Fin to know that he knew. Maybe not all of it but….."

"Liv I'm sure he didn't mean to…."

"They all watched me make an idiot of myself…" maybe it was the wine talking, or maybe the crushing effect or a deeply wounded pride but either way Olivia could not have looked more let down, "… they made me a fool Elliot."

"You're not a fool, babe. They screwed you over. Cragen really does believe you'll make a great captain one day and Fin was just covering Rollins' ass."

"I know, I know that but…."

"And look at it this way with everything else you've been through this past year we'd both said how the timing isn't great. It was all kinda sudden and you've had no experience running an entire squad but just because you're not ready right now doesn't mean…."

"Wait, wait…" brow deeply furrowed and eyes widening with disbelief Olivia tightened her grip on the stalk of her glass and emitted a horrified gasp, "…_what_ did you just say?"

"I just meant that…."

"I'm gonna take a walk….." slamming her glass down against the coffee table Olivia launched from her chair and went to grab her jacket and keys.

"Liv wait….."

"At least Tucker had the balls to say what the rest of you were thinking! They made me a joke and you _helped_ them!"

"No!"

"I was a stupid kid running around in her mom's heels and makeup and you _let _me!"

"That isn't what….."

"Bad timing, no experience, not ready right now …" losing a battle with tears Olivia shook her head bitterly, "… you never believed I could do this did you?"

"Yeah, no, I….."

"Screw you Elliot." Were the last words spoken before the door slammed and Elliot was let standing with his foot in his mouth and his head in his hands.


	19. Love Makes Suckers Of Us All

"This does _not _mean that we're okay."

"I know and that's okay."

"No! No I said it is _not _okay. You're an asshole and I'm….." slumping slightly against the wall Olivia rode out a wave of nausea and felt some small respite from the cold against her cheek, "….oh my God is the floor moving?"

"Here, here can you put your arm around my neck?" moving her legs like those of a rag doll Elliot straightened her hunched form out and waited for a moment before realising she either hadn't heard, or hadn't retained his request. "Hey, hey Liv?"

"Oh….." she gasped with a sudden and impossibly beautiful smile of simple love washing over her face as she saw Elliot all over again and sighed, "….hi!"

"Wow…." he mouthed, blowing air with trepidation through rounded lips and sliding an arm around her waist and under her knees, "….okay let's do this. Do you have your cell? Your wallet? Keys?"

"I think I'm really pissed at you…." she murmured, burying her face in the hood of his sweatshirt and willing the world to stop spinning so fast, "….we're in a fight."

"Yeah, yeah you are and we are but right now let's just work on getting you upstairs okay?"

"It was _far_….." she explained, having spent a good half an hour on the steps of their apartment building before her pride had relented and allowed her to call him for assistance, "….and my feet hurt."

"Your feet are gonna be the least of your worries come the morning, babe….." he couldn't help but chuckle with loving concern, "…..can you get the button for me? Liv? Can you call the elevator?"

"I think I chased my wine with vodka."

"Excellent….." holding her fast and Elliot made a forward lunge and called the elevator with the hand supporting her top half and added, "….good call."

"You're very strong."

"Shhh….." he entreated, never having found her more adorable than in her significantly intoxicated state but attempting not to take advantage of the fact, "….don't talk. Just hang in there for me okay? The elevator's coming."

"Put me down?"

"You sure you're good to stand?" he tested, bending down and setting her feet on the elevator floor before pressing the buttons and willing it to fly up the four flights to base camp.

"I think….." slurred Olivia, steading her footing but leaning heavily against his chest and blinking repeatedly, "… that you shouldn't let go yet."

"I won't I promise."

"I don't like you….." she pondered, running her hands across his chest and down the swell of his muscular arms to the softer skin of his inner forearms and tattoos, "… but you are a big, hunk of…..you know this isn't the first time you've had me drunk in an elevator, Marine….." lifting heavy lidded brow eyes to his she whispered loudly, "….only last time you _had_ me drunk in an elevator."

"Liv…."

"I'm actually feeling much now better so….." lowering her hands considerably Olivia was inside the waistband of his jeans with alarming speed, and Elliot felt as though his whole body exhaled as her hand cupped his shaft.

"Oh boy….." retrieving her hand and swallowing hard Elliot cursed her drunken teasing under his breath while propelling her with firm determination into the apartment, "….let's just get you inside."

"I'm drunk."

"Yeah."

"And you're a nasty sonofabitch…" reiterated Olivia with garbled passion, now collapsed on the sofa rubbing at her eyes and smearing mascara and eyeliner in careful circles around them.

"Yeah, yeah I am." Nodded Elliot, coming over to join her and encouraging her to drink from a large tumbler of water.

"You shouldn't have said what you did….." she said, between thirsty gulps, now wearing her makeup around her eyes and only hurt and betrayal in them, "….it hurt."

"I know, I know, believe me I know. I am so sorry, Liv. I don't know where it came from because it wasn't true. You know I've always been in awe of what you do at SVU and_ of course _you're capable of being captain."

"I wasn't ready."

"No, no you were. I was an idiot to say what I said and I think it was just me being afraid that…."

"I didn't want it…" she said frankly, and it shook him to see that while her tongue might have been liquored into admitting it her eyes meant every word, "… I didn't want it Elliot."

"What?" he asked, wondering whether or not she'd regret all of this in the morning.

"I only did it because Cragen asked me to…" as the water began to take effect and emotion ran faster than the alcohol through her veins she turned to him and shrugged honestly, "…and I owe him everything."

"Liv you've had a lot to drink and…."

"I just wanted to be a mom."

"Look maybe we should pick this up again in the morning when…."

"The plan was that I'd go back part time and I'd still get to be at home with the babies. That was what we talked about, _that_ was what **we** decided…." playing with the drawstings of his sweater Olivia added softly, "….you and me."

"I know but…."

"I wasn't even a detective in that room with Angela let alone a captain. I was a mom. I had an easy confession and I let it slide and then she got a lawyer and he got her off and then she killed him. She went back and she killed him and that's on me. His murder is on me and _yes _he deserved it but that isn't the point. The point is….." finishing off her water and setting it down on the table with a thud she lay back against the couch cushions and confessed with a heavy sigh, "… that I wasn't ready for captain."

"You can do that job, Liv. You're the best detective on that squad and you're exactly the kind of captain they need. I was a total ass to say what I did."

"I don't think I'm okay Elliot."

"I think you sank a bottle of Merlot and then went to a bar and chased it with vodka….." with a gentle hand on her thigh he winced to add, "… you're not gonna be okay for at least another 24 hours."

"They made me a fool and I let them."

"And I did too…" he sighed, hanging his head in shame before looking up and finding her eyes, "… you know that I believe in you though don't you? I want you to know that I do. I think I was just afraid you were taking on too much but we can make changes. I can dial down my hours and we can look into more childcare. You can be captain, you _can _be captain, Liv."

"I don't know that I want to be."

"Because of what happened today?" he asked, attempting to assess whether her change of heart was simply borne out of vino and humiliation or something more. "Because you don't need to make any decisions tonight and we can talk about what…."

"Take me away from here?" she was crying now. Not tears of anger or a raw hurt, but ones that told of a dull ache she had felt for some time and an exhaustion deep in her bones.

"Babe…."

"I'm tired, El. I'm tired of always having to fight. Fighting for us and then for Sam and for victim after victim after….." unashamed, unfettered and unchained Olivia finally let go of that which she had been carrying for too long, "….. and I don't know if I can do it anymore."

"Olivia I **know** you can….." he replied without pausing for even a breath of hesitation, but reaching out and stroking her cheek tenderly with his thumb Elliot smiled, "…. but maybe we can make it so you don't have to for a while."

"Elliot I'm drunk enough to talk like this but not drunk enough to forgive you making promises tonight that you can't keep tomorrow so…"

"I screwed up today. I screwed up big time and I piled on when you were already drowning but it didn't come from a bad place I swear it. I just want what's best for you and our kids. I just want you to be happy."

"Let's go away, far away. Someplace warm….." flashing him a hopeful little smile Olivia added, "… just us and the kids what d'ya say?"

"I say I gotta speak to my captain and to Kathy about Eli and…."

"El…." she murmured, shaking her head and staring at him with teary eyed urging.

"I'll find a way to make it happen….." he vowed, knowing how rare it was she asked anything of him and that he would move mountains to grant her request, "…. I promise."

* * *

"I've been trying to call you."

"I know."

"I've left you so many messages it was starting to become undignified."

"Yeah, yeah I know Fin but I've had a lot going on and I just needed some space to clear my head and, well, anyway. I'm here now."

"I didn't know, Liv. You believe that, right? You gotta trust when I say I didn't know the games Tucker and his henchman were playing."

"You had your suspicions though didn't you?" challenged Olivia. He noted she was dressed for work but not wearing her badge or gun. "You knew something was off." This time it was less a question and more of a statement of fact.

"Maybe I saw what I wanted to see. I didn't ask questions because it was easier to help Amanda that way but you gotta know she didn't know any more than I did. She just took Cragen at his word that he'd fixed things and he wanted to retire."

"We all did….." said Olivia sadly, having deliberately avoided seeing Cragen in person that morning when she'd headed into the precinct to hand in a formal request for a week of personal time, "….but I still thought you would've come to me."

"You don't know what she went through in Atlanta. She was doing right by kids who….." shaking his head steadily and staring at her with a tipped head and furrowed brow, "… and you know I'm not so sure you've got the right to be so damn self-righteous Liv."

"Where the hell did that come from?"

"Poughkeepsie."

"Look I don't have time to play games so….."

"I didn't think about it at the time since I was so busy having my balls busted and covering your ass. I took the fall for the hot mess we made of that bust but I was chattin' to one of my old Narc buddies last night and he got to telling me some very interesting information."

"Fin…."

"By the time I got there with the drugs squad we'd missed the drop _and_ the girl. You were our eyes and ears. You knew we were chasing our tails and that they were at that old farm house _hours _before you came back on radio and answered your damn cell."

"I got sick and stopped at a motel to lie down."

"Who with?"

"I don't want to have this conversation."

"Oh I bet you don't Cheekbones…" spat Fin with a disappointed shake of his head, "… who'd narcotics pair you with on that case?"

"I'm assuming we wouldn't be having this conversation if you didn't already….." knowing that she owed it to him to at least attempt to explain herself Olivia ventured tentatively, "….it's true that I wasn't feeling well. We pulled into the motel so I could get water and sit down until I….."

"Cheap sex in a motel room six months pregnant with a baby you didn't even have the balls to tell him was his? Is that really all you think you're worth Liv?"

"I'm not saying that it was the best decision I ever made…." she replied with a raise of her eyebrows and calm, measured swallow of mortification, "… or that I'm proud of it."

"You lied to me."

"Look I'm sorry, okay? But that was a million years ago and I was a _mess _back then. State troopers intercepted at the border and we got our guys. If it had gone any further I would've spoken up but…."

"Would you?"

"You think that was the same thing as Cragen falling on his sword and making me the butt of an elaborate NYPD joke?" and then recognising that though not immediately comparable there were distinct similarities between the two scenarios Olivia laughed jadedly despite herself. "Maybe you're you're right."

"What happened to us, Liv?" asked Fin with the sad realisation that not only had everything changed but that it may never have been as he thought it was in the first place. "We used to be bulletproof. We didn't use the john without the other knowing about it and we trusted each other with the good, bad and ugly."

"I was sad, lonely and pregnant you were….."

"Just sad and lonely?" he asked, feeling suddenly as though he were the token clown in a Shakespearean play. A prop, a perfunctory piece of scenery that would fade into the background once the key players had found their way.

"Fin you're the best friend I ever had and your role in Evie and Sam's lives won't _ever_ change. I should've told you I slept with Elliot in that motel. I was wrong to lie to you when you were never anything but completely supportive of me during my pregnancy but…" accepting of the fact that a blued eyed marine had always and would always be her Achilles heel Olivia added unapologetically, "….but it was just him, you know? It was Elliot."

"Yeah."

"I know I don't exactly have a great track record with holding up my hands when I'm wrong but I'm working on it and I'm sorry. I should've realised that in a choice between saving me a bruised ego and having Rollins shipped back to Atlanta of _course_ you'd do whatever you could to protect her."

"No, no if I'd known for sure I'd have….."

"No matter how close we are as friends there comes a point when for better or worse you go to bat for your partner….." reaching out and giving his arm a gentle squeeze Olivia nodded with a warm smile, "….and that's the way it should be."

"For the record? Even though it makes no difference now?"

"What?"

"Stabler treating you like a piece of ass when he refused to leave his wife and you were six months pregnant with a kid he thought was David Haden's….." remembering all the reasons he was far from Elliot's biggest fan Fin spoke frankly, "…. not cool. Not cool at all."

"I love him Fin."

"I know."

"And I know he's not perfect. He's an angry, stubborn, closed-minded son of a bitch most of the time but I'm no picnic either and it works. We work. He makes me the kind of happy I didn't even think was possible, and yes loving him has made me do things that I'm not entirely proud of but that's the price you pay…" and as she finally arrived at a place where she could understand the parity of their situations, he began to ask profound questions of himself, "… it's the same reason you kept quiet for Rolllins' sake I guess, and I should've realised that sooner."

"Yeah, yeah that makes sense." He heard himself say, and it did make sense. It just wasn't an accurate portrayal of events. He just hadn't known. He hadn't had the first idea how deep the situation with Amanda, Cragen and Olivia had run but he was far from sure in that moment that had he known the whole truth he would've kept quiet. Had his suspicions been more than a dull, unconscious gnawing he would've done whatever it took to save Olivia the humiliation Cragen and Tucker had brought her.

* * *

"Remind me again why Benson and Stabler get to jet off to warmer climes and I'm here running labs on a Saturday?"

"One of the life's little mysteries."

"Huh."

"Liv needed a break, it's been a rough couple of months…."

"A rough couple of years wouldn't be a wild exaggeration….." noted Melinda Warner as she tucked another sample under the microscope and looked across to Fin, "… if that much drama followed me around I'd move to Alaska and cut ties with you all. She doesn't do things by halves."

"I spoke to Evie on the phone on the way over….." chuckled Fin, leaning against the countertop and examining scientific instruments with curiosity, "…she reckons she's gonna touch the clouds when she flies in the airplane."

"Damn sometimes I wish I was a kid again….." sighed Melinda, shaking her curls with a warm smile, "… have anything and everything seem possible."

"I used to want to be an astronaut, a solider or a ninja turtle."

"Well you achieved one goal which isn't bad going considering of the other two one is highly improbable and the other is entirely fictional."

"I would've been Leonardo….." said Fin with a boyish grin, "… he was the best one."

"He was the muscle but let's not pretend Donatello wasn't the mastermind behind everything. Leonardo might have been first on the scene wielding his little ninjaken but my guy knew applying a little science and logic would get the job done faster and with fewer bruises."

"You _do_ look damn fine in purple."

"Fin why are you here?" she asked, caught off guard by his casual flirtation and suddenly remembering herself. "You didn't need to collect the Daley DNA results in person any more than you did any of the other results you've used as an excuse to swing by here this week."

"I like to be thorough."

"You're avoiding something…." she deduced, with little effort required, before narrowing her eyes and testing, "…..or someone?"

"Mel I was an ass to you."

"Can I assume from your sudden rush of conscience that you're in a fight with the steel magnolia?" and then retracting her claws and reaching desperately for her failing professional pretence Melinda added, "Sorry, pardon me, Detective Rollins?"

"We had a good thing going, you and me, and then shit got in the way and I stopped calling without every explaining….."

"You didn't have to."

"But I should've, you deserved better."

"Shoulda, woulda, coulda…." smiled the dazzling yet shrewd eyes of a woman who had saddled up behind more than one cowboy in her time, "… and that's all ancient history now."

"I know, I know I just….." as he lifted his eyes to hers she knew she ought to look away, she knew she ought not to let that impish gaze full of suggestion and untapped possibility settle on her and yet somehow he held her trapped, "…. nah, nah forget it."

"There is a pretty, blonde thirty something somewhere in this city who for some reason thinks falling for you is a good idea Detective Tutuola….." she thought he couldn't see behind her discerning smile and faraway eyes, "….don't prove her wrong."

"Melinda….."

"You're chasing the wrong guy….." she thought he couldn't see the taught lines of a strained smile or the way she folded her arms to hide trembling hands, "….the chromosomes aren't a match. He isn't the father."

"I apologise for not treating you like the lady you are Dr Warner….." taking what he had initially come for from her hands and pinning it to his chest, as though it might hide the turmoil inside Fin's face was the picture of sober confusion and regret, "….you're a class act and I was a damn fool."

"Good luck finding who really raped Renee….." nodding curtly she pushed out her bottom lip and tossed her eyes toward the door, suggesting he might make a timely exit through it, "…. let me know if I can be of any further assistance."

She thought he couldn't see how badly he had hurt her and how much she still cared for him: but she was wrong.

* * *

"Can I have your feet baby boy? Can mama have your feet?"

"Where are we _going _mama?" asked Eve, doing as she was asked and selecting three toys each for both her and her brother. "Is it far?"

"Samson Stabler will you sit still you little jitter bug!" breaking from frustration to laughter as her younger child wriggled his feet free from her grasp yet again Olivia took a pause. He was beautiful. Gone was that tired, battling expression on his little face and in its place a constant half grin.

"Is he being bad…." pushing her favourite doll into the top of her backpack and squashing her face in order to fasten the zip Eve wandered across to her mother and wagged a scolding finger at her brother, "… be a good boy, Sammy!"

"Okay I think we'll leave him without socks for now and finish up packing your Dad's stuff, what'd you think Evie G?" lifting her shoulders and flashing a smile to indicate that packing up Elliot's belongings into a suitcase was a fun activity Eve ought to get excited about Olivia clambered to her feet and held out a hand.

"I can count."

"That would be _great_ sweetie, you're such a help now you're a big girl."

"Olivia?"

"Bedroom!" she called, and for the first time Elliot heard a smile behind her greeting even before he entered the bedroom. "How'd it go?"

"They put up a fight and I'm pretty sure I'll be working every hour God sends the week we get back but I just laid on the line for them and told them the truth….." meeting her eyes and nodding steadily Elliot shrugged, "…this was non-negotiable. It's something I need to do for my family."

"El thank you, you don't know how much this…."

"Liv you put up with a hell of a lot from me and you almost never ask for anything in return. I'm not blind to that. We haven't survived a divorce and two less than conventional childbirths because of me…..." walking over and planting a lingering kiss on smiling lips Elliot affirmed, "…there was no way this trip wasn't happening."

"I wasn't sure what to pack….." she said, a little breathless with the revelation that Elliot saw and heard her in a way she hadn't appreciated previously, "… are you gonna tell me where we're going yet?"

"Nope."

"I assume there's a flight involved if we need paperwork for these two….."

"You're not a detective for nothing, Benson."

"Should I take a bathing suit?" shamelessly utilising the one ace she always held against him Olivia gave him bedroom eyes and a shrug of faux innocence. "What level of clothing will be required?"

"For me and the kids?" rummaging in his pre-packed case and checking he approved of all her choices and assumptions Elliot continued, "Shorts, t-shirts, swim gear."

"Okay."

"For you?" seeing nothing in his case he wouldn't have put there and being unsurprised she could flawlessly pack for him he made a grab for Olivia's waist and drew her close, grinning with eyes alight "As little as possible…."

"Yeah?" she teased, sliding her hands into the back pockets of his jeans and leaning up for a kiss while giving his buttocks a playful squeeze. "Is that right?"

"You know the flight isn't for another few hours so if these guys fancied watching TV for a while…."

"Oh okay romeo put me down…." she chuckled warmly, prizing his arms from around her and switching back into organisation mode, "…. that can wait but packing can't. I've done ours and Evie has done hers but it needs checking and I haven't started on all Sam's crap."

"I'll pack Sammy up and you take Mouse?"

"Nice, nice I like how you dodge the one who can participate there buddy….." smacking his thigh playfully Olivia rolled her eyes and rallied herself for another verbal joust with her first born, "… you know earlier she even had an opinion on which underwear I should take."

"I hope she made some good choices?"

"Elliot!"

"What?" he grinned, delighting in her theatrical outrage and always keen to bait her.

"She is two years old you and should not be in the same thought as….."

"Did black lace make the cut Mouse?" knowing full well Eve wasn't listening Elliot pushed his luck with his tongue poking mischievously between smirking teeth.

"I'm not humouring your sick…." unable to hold a defensive line Olivia rolled her eyes and flashed him a redolent simper, "…but it might have done, and it might have been joined by a little eggplant silk number _you_ haven't even seen yet."

"I…."

"Come on Evie baby, let's go pack in your room and leaves the boys to it…"

"Tease."

"Don't forget his sunhat."


	20. Remember When I Moved In You

_**So nervous to post this but you are all such wonderful, loyal, constructive readers that I couldn't keep hearing your various smut pleas and not throw a bone... as it were. And so here I venture where I have previously feared to tread. Be gentle with me, folks! Also a rare purely E/O chapter for your delect and delight. **_

_**Continued appreciation for all your R&Ring! **_

* * *

"Higher Daddy, higher!"

"Any higher and you might hit the sky Mouse!" chuckled Elliot, tossing Eve up into the air as she squealed and shook pool water from wriggling limbs. "Again? Are you ready? Go!"

"You in the Corps?" came a voice from behind them and bringing Eve safely back down to earth Elliot pinned her against his chest and turned around with a smile.

"Used to be….." he answered, offering his hand to a man wearing an Eagle, Globe and Anchor over his heart and a little blonde girl on his arm, "….I'm Elliot."

"Mike. And this is Hannah."

"Hey Hannah how's it going?" smiled Elliot warmly, "This is Evie. Are you gonna say hell Mouse?"

"Mouse…." came the high pitched little chortle from Hannah who covered her mouth and wrinkled her nose in amusement, "…. that's funny."

"You're funny….." replied Mouse with the same ease and instinctive reflex as breathing, and then seeing Elliot shoot her a warning glance she turned back to girl and added, "….hello." As the little blonde stared at her quizzically Eve wished she could go back to playing with her dad, but in the spirit of showing willing volunteered a fact, "My brother is a baby. He's Sammy."

"Elliot, Evie come meet our gang. We're all down here on a dad and daughters weekend from Indianapolis…" gesturing to a gang of father's all with various splashing wards Mike used his index finger to introduce ,"…..that's Dave and Mia, Jase and his boy Flint, and somewhere underwater are Brian and Sophie."

"Good to meet you all."

"Whereabouts you are you guys from?" asked Mike, setting Hannah back down in her yellow inflatable ring and giving her a gentle push.

"New York…." said Elliot, as Eve attempted to make an escape from his arms and get back into the water, "… .okay, okay baby you can swim again but remember what we said? If you can't touch Daddy you've gone too far."

"She's quite the little fish, is this her first time in the water?" as Elliot nodded that it pretty much was, Mike gave a laugh that was tinged with lingering resentment, "Hannah used to take lessons until my ex ran off with her swimming coach."

"So what'd you do up in Indiana?" reaching for a change of subject Elliot encouraged Eve back into his immediate vicinity.

"I'm in car sales, we all are actually. We all work at the same dealership and started coming down to the Keys when Jase split with his second wife a couple of years back. It's a great way to spend some quality time with the kids and just chill out for a week, you know?" then without pausing for breath Mike continued on. "Plus it turns out being Mr Mom is a real draw for the ladies….." and flashing the same smile Elliot suspected these guys all employed to convince women into mediocre cars and their bedrooms Mike grinned, "….we get more ass this week than we do the whole rest of the year."

"That's….." puffing out his cheeks and searching desperately for a word Elliot finally settled on a noncommittal, "…._great_."

"It really is! Hey I see you're not wearing a ring there….." punching Elliot's shoulder with a wink Mike turned to his assembled posse and joked, "…. he should come join us at the Keg this afternoon shouldn't he boys? It's great food, a stunning view and plenty of hot…."

"Hey, hey guys I'm not so sure I'm in any rush to head to lunch today….." while Elliot's attention was entirely focused on Eve the rest of the men all turned with unnerving synchronicity toward sun lounger a few meters away, "… the view is pretty damn stunning right here."

"Blubbbbb!" sputtered Eve, through a mouth of chlorine as Elliot realized to his horror that she had spotted the same thing the men had. On the other side of the pool Olivia was removing her shorts and kaftan to reveal a turquoise swimsuit that exquisitely showcased not only her curves but her ample post-baby cleavage.

"_Aaaaand_ I think that's our queue to dry off for a little while Mouse….." announced Elliot, scooping up Eve and her water wings and making his excuses to their new found friends, "….say goodbye to Hannah, baby, we'll see her around again soon okay?"

"Dang is she wearing that suit, Dave. If she's single I call dibs….."

"Hell even if she's not….."

"Daddy too fast!" protested Eve with a whimper as burst into a little run to keep up with Elliot's frog march over to Olivia. "Daddy!"

"Hey babe, have you seen Sam's….."

"Hi….." murmured Elliot, still gripping Eve's wet little palm with one hand but sliding his other around Olivia's waist and dragging her so close she cried out in protest.

"El you're wet!" after a second of protest she melted into his stronghold and enjoyed the cooling effect of his cold, wet chest on her sun warmed skin. "El people are watching…" she murmured as his mouth sank hot onto hers and dipped her slightly for the kind of grasping, tongue tousling kiss that was usually reserved for their more private moments.

"Are they?" asked Elliot with faux innocence as he lowered his hand to her backside and deliberately settled it there while indulging a glance behind them at the group of dumbfounded middle aged men in the kid's pool. "Don't worry about it."

"Any particular reason we're having this little Jersey Shore moment, sweetheart?" asked Olivia with a wry smile, deflating Eve's water wings and praising her for standing so patiently while her dad lost his mind.

"You look incredible in that suit."

"Okay…." she nodded with a disparaging eye roll and gentle pat of his arm.

"That and the fact that Huey, Louis, and Horny over there were treating you like a piece of ass so I thought I'd just…."

"What?" challenged Olivia with a razor sharp ability to slice him in two, "Join them?"

"Let them you know that you're _my _piece of ass….." he grinned, matching her wry quips with cavalier charm and the suggestive flash of his baby blues he knew could soften even her prickliest fronts, "….it's weird I never had this problem with Kathy."

"Elliot!" she cried. Though reluctant as she was to admit it her horror was tinged in some small, quiet, private place she wasn't terribly proud of with a flattered pride.

"No, no I didn't mean….." realising there was no clear path out of the hole he had just dug Elliot instead simply smiled, adored her and indulged her wicked streak, "….oh hell maybe I did. Kath might be one of the best people I know but I never had to worry about other guys the way I do with you."

"Evie, baby, come stand here while I put you more lotion on….." instructed Olivia, perching on the edge of the sun lounger and squeezing a dollop of suncream into her hand, "….look babe if groping me at the poolside and marking your territory makes you feel better then you go for it but you really don't have anything to worry about."

"You make me sound like a total….."

"You are….." interjected Olivia, reaching out to smear a little factor 60 across his cheek, "… but I forgive you."

"You know if you weren't such a hot mama and I didn't love you so damn much….." reinvigorated by the fresh air and Florida sunshine Elliot couldn't keep his hands off her and wrestling her back into his grasp he beamed, "…. I wouldn't care if you ran off with an Indiana car dealer."

"You have sunblock on your cheek, asshole."

"I know you wouldn't look at them twice….." he asserted with absolute faith in her fidelity, "…. I guess I'm just being an idiot and wanting to shut those guys up and show off that you're mine."

"One day someone will write a book on your twisted, twisted mind Elliot Stabler….." she laughed lovingly, closing her eyes and leaning in for a kiss far tenderer than their earlier clinch, "….but I suppose I can't pretend I felt any more gracious around Calamity Jane this morning."

"Aw come on it wasn't her fault. I spilled fruit salad on her shirt!" throwing his head back and laughing hard Elliot recalled the Pamela Anderson lookalike who had fawned over him at the breakfast buffet.

"She is one accidental crotch grab away from me mirandizing her!"

"For what? Is knocking into your fiancé and his fruit salad a crime in Florida?" and from the change in his expression Olivia knew she was not the only one to get a hot blood rush at hearing the words out loud.

"My fiancé and his fruit salad are not hers to….." unable to keep up the interchange and breaking into a long, soul cleansing laugh Olivia lolled against Elliot's chest and allowed her hands to wander possessively across his skin.

"Are we boring you down there Mouse?" catching sight of their oldest child poking at her sleeping brother for want of a playmate Elliot hugged Olivia into his side and smiled, "How about we find your sunhat and go get an ice cream?"

"Oh _yes_!" came an emphatic nod as Eve clambered over the sun lounger, all sticky hands and slimy legs to shove her hand in her father's.

"You want anything?" asked Elliot, reaching for his wallet and taking out a note while Olivia squashed a hat onto a protesting Eve's head and signalled she was fine. "You gonna stay here for a bit?"

"Yeah, yeah sure….." nodded Olivia, before flashing a smirk, "…. I mean unless I just abandon Sammy and run off with Midwestern car salesman…."

"Very funny! You sure you don't want anything…." knowing her all too well he tested, "….not even if they have that caramel toffee thing you always get in the Park?"

"I'd split one with you." She smiled, checking that Sam was still sleeping peacefully before reaching for her magazine and settling herself down for a few moments peace.

* * *

"I haven't been this happy in a long time El…" sitting back in her chair and removing the napkin from her lap Olivia dabbed her mouth and smiled, "… thank you for tonight."

"I mean it's no Michelin star restaurant but…."

"It's better."

"My steak is that good, huh?" he grinned, reaching for her hand across the table as they sat in the tranquil warmth of their hotel room balcony.

"Your steak is pretty damn good….." she conceded, swirling her fingertips around his open palm and curling her lips to a smirk, "… and you know it."

"I should go check on the kids and get dessert out of the freezer….." though in truth he wanted to just sit there, opposite her, for the rest of time, "…. you want cream or ice cream on your pie?"

"You know what I'm actually feeling pretty tired. Are you okay to check on the kids and clear this lot away while I go lie down a while?"

"Oh…." though Elliot made a valiant attempted to arrange his face differently, his bitter disappointment was etched in every line, "… oh sure, sure yeah no worries. You go. I got this."

"Thanks…." she smiled, rising for the table and offering him a brief kiss on the temple before disappearing to the bedroom without further word.

* * *

"You sleeping, babe?" rapping lightly on the door that separated their bedroom from the living space in which the babies were asleep in Elliot waited a moment for a response. "Liv? I brought your pie in case you were ready for dessert now…."

"I'm ready for dessert….." came a voice from inside as he wandered tentatively into the bedroom and the sight of her leaning against the bathroom doorframe stole his breath, "… but I don't want pie."

"Wow…." staring with wordless, appreciation Elliot soaked in everything from her lightly tousled curls to the purple satin robe falling around her shoulders and poorly concealing an intricate black lace bra and matching, daringly cut panties, "…. you are…."

"You wanna put that pie down, detective?" tossing him a soft, suggestive smile and wandering toward the bed with tanned, lightly shimmering legs Olivia tilted her head and waited.

"Yeah, yeah I do….." he murmured, walking quickly to close the gap between them and tossing the plate onto the sideboard with an uncaring clunk, "…what in the hell did I do to deserve you?"

"You don't deserve me….." she teased, leaning just close enough for him to catch her perfume on the open windowed breeze as he bent forward and kissed at her bare shoulders, and pushed at the robe with gentle fingertips until it fell to the floor in a half moon around her feet. Stroking across her collarbone he slid one palm to the nape of her neck and drew her close, while the other trailed an index finger down her throat to the deep V of her swelling cleavage.

"That's probably true….." twisting his mouth to a smirk of concession he squeezed the air out from between them, pressing his body against hers as his hands moved to the clasp of her bra and unfastened it while keeping his eyes locked unbreakably on hers, "… in fact I know it is."

"Kiss me…." she instructed, shaking free from the black lace covering her and tugging his loose t-shirt up over his head with one swift movement. Then draping her arms around his neck she caught his lightly parted lips on hers, slipping her tongue between his teeth and plunging it into the expectant heat of his mouth. As she drew him close her breasts yielded instantly to the taught muscle of his chest. Biting lightly against his bottom lip with her tongue she felt a liquid warmth of anticipation as Elliot's desire hardened against her thigh.

"Now what….." thrilled by her taking charge Elliot chewed against his cheek as she unfastened the waist of his jeans and dropped them to the floor. This wasn't just about how much he wanted her. How her dewy skin and dark, kohl lined eyes were exquisite in the moonlight gloaming. In the past their love had been fast, desperate, almost violent in its hungry desire. It had been burdened by the chains of infidelity and the impossibility. Only now they were possible, they were the most truly possible thing he had ever known and he couldn't bear to rush. He wanted her, no, he needed her. But they had all night, they had all the time in the world and there was nothing and no one to stop him from loving her all the ways he wanted to.

"Lie down…." she murmured and as the firm push at his chest took him by surprise he fell back against the mattress with a thud, "….lie still." As he lay captive she slowly removed his shorts, handling him with an expert touch, before finally she lay on top of him and he felt her open mouth breathing hot kisses against his neck. Moving his hands over her, tracing them down her sides and feeling the contours of her body he brought them to rest on her thighs and separated them so she was straddling him. His cock was between them and it ached for her, hard against her stomach, in such teasing proximity to her core. How easy it would be to lift her up and push inside and yet there was a heady satisfaction in denying himself that final pleasure. Not yet he vowed, opening his eyes and catching his breath once again at her beauty.

"My turn….." he growled, effortlessly throwing her off of him and stripping her of her panties, "…. don't move." And Olivia didn't. Not an inch as he leant over her and sprinkled light kisses across her collar bone before cupping her breasts with a gentle yet masterful hand. He coaxed a gentle moan from her as he teased and sucked at each raised nipple in turn. Feeling an increasing yearning between her legs she writhed gently under his spell as his hands moved south and danced across her hip bone, raising gooseflesh in their wake.

"Wait….." she swallowed, the words catching in her throat as she stared up at him and laid a hand against his chest, "… go slow…. really slow." Her skin quivered and her legs began to tremble lightly as his fingertips stroked at the soft flesh of her inner thighs and weaved a tapestry of longing, slow teasing circles until he reached her centre.

"Look at me…." he murmured, and she did. Her eyes fell on him white hot and urgent as his thumb moved on her just the way he knew would push her into ecstasy. Lips lightly parting she let out a low moan, wrapping her arms around him and burying her face in his neck, her hands roaming his back and her desire a desperate ache she could barely stand.

"Elliot what I said before isn't true…." her voice was low and rasped with an increasingly heady desire as she fell back against the sheets and stared deep and long into his blue eyes, "… you _do _deserve me."

Tenderly brushing a wisp of hair away from her face Elliot ran his knuckles across her cheek, then dragged his thumb across her lips and felt his breathing shallow. She reached for him but he intercepted, grabbing at her wrist before her hand could make contact with his painfully throbbing cock. He couldn't let her touch him. That look in her eyes, the flush in her cheeks and the way her chest heaved as she breathed in and out were almost enough but her touch was too much.

"You deserve me….." she repeated whisperingly, feeling the fire in her body seeping with a desire for him unlike she had ever known for any man, unlike any feeling or emotion she had ever had or would ever be able to explain, "…. so have me."

"I love you."

It had never been just about the sex. There had been times, desperate fucks in motel rooms and clandestine gropes in the crib, when it had been more about the sex. There were times when a simple look, a sudden glance, a gaze that had settled and lasted too long that spoke of a loving relationship that went for years unconsummated. It had never just been about the sex but it was through it that a profound friendship and a flammable, insatiable, indescribable and unstoppable attraction had bonded them closer than blood ever could.

"So love me….." she demanded, dared, and guiding him into her urged, "…fuck me."

"I need you….."

And he did. He did need her. Not just because of the way he filled her so completely and with each trust their rhythm grew ever more intrinsic to his being, but because she was intrinsic to his being. She was a part of him. She was a part of him not just when he felt her begin to contract around him, her legs tremble and their moans became ever more urgent; but all the time. She was a part of who he was. She had become so much a part of everything he thought, felt and did that he couldn't remember a time before she wasn't. She was so much a part of him that he could no longer imagine what it felt like not to be inside of her.

"Oh _God_….." she groaned, flinging her arm against the bed, fisting a handful of sheets and turning her head to the side she closed her eyes.

"Look at me…." he echoed, never wanting her to be distant. Never wanting this to be something purely physical. That was for other people. He would never let them become that. She wasn't just the woman who got him off. She was the other half of him and he needed her eyes. He needed to look into them and feel it not just in his throbbing cock but in his blazing heart.

Arching her back, lifting hips and widening her legs she turned back to him, gave him her eyes and her soul. She was his and as her body tensed with the shuddering intensity of their shared climax she knew she had never been anyone else's. Nothing had ever or would ever feel like loving him.

"Let's get married….." she panted, as she kissed him breathlessly and held him tight against her heaving chest.

"Oh my God you're incredible, that was….." gasping for air as he came down from his head spinning high Elliot, kissed at the damp heat of her neck and collapsed down beside her, "….hell yeah I'll marry you."

"No, no I mean….." as her breathing levelled Olivia turned to him with a sensual, thick lashed gaze and swallowed, "… as soon as we get home."

"Wait…." laying his arm across her stomach he pulled her over to him until they were skin on skin once more, and propping himself up on an elbow he gazed down at her with a furrowed brow, "… you're serious aren't you?"

"I want to be your wife Elliot. I want to feel _that_ much a part of you all the time….." stroking at his chest and fingering his jawline with a teasingly delicate touch she murmured, "….always."

"What about….." predicting his trail of thought she interjected quickly.

"They can either come or not come I don't care….." she had that look in her eye, the one he knew meant that the outcome was inevitable and it was only a matter of how long he could run futile resistance, "… this is for us."

"Okay."

"Yeah?" she tested, knowing that sometimes he said yes just because she wanted him to.

"You, me, the kids, and whoever wants to come stand in our corner….." he nodded, finding the image infinitely easier to picture than any of the wedding scenarios they had discussed previously, "… let's do it."

"You're sure? I just that was….." almost choking on a laugh Olivia blushed lightly and confessed, "…. what I mean is I think I'd agree to just about anything right now so…."

"Oh yeah?" grinned Elliot, and she could almost see the cogs turning as he planned his requests.

"Don't push your luck….." she laughed, "… it wasn't _that_ good."

"It really was though…." his face falling to the picture of sincerity he reached to his chest and lay his hand on hers, interlacing their fingers and holding them fast, "….wasn't it?"

"Yes."

"You want a registrar?"

"You want a priest." She replied without pausing to draw breath.

"As long as I end up your husband at the end of the day….."

"If your priest can put his doubts about me aside then I can do the same for him."

"But Liv if you don't want…."

"I just want you, Elliot. The rest of it is just….." shrugging lightly she held a beat and then repeated, "…. I just want you."

"Then let's make it happen….." holding her face and leaning in for a lingering kiss he felt her lips smile against his as he added, "….as soon as we get home."


	21. We Are What We Are Unfortunate Scars

"This better not be what I think it is."

"I spoke with Atlanta and told them I won't let you hang for this. It is on them and it is on me but there's no way in hell that Manhattan SVU should suffer because of a screw up a million miles away. It might have taken me a good deal of time to wake up to the right thing to do here Captain but I would ask that now I have you respect it and you let me fix what I broke."

"You didn't break anything."

"I broke Benson!" cried Amanda emphatically, still holding her letter of resignation as her hands danced in the air and attempted to grasp for steady ground.

"You didn't break Benson."

"I…."

"You didn't break Benson because she doesn't break…." pursing his lips Cragen paused a moment before adding, "….and I didn't think you did either."

"I'm not sure I know what you…."

"A lot has happened over the past few months and given my time again there is a lot of it I would change. Saving your job, however, isn't one of them. There are very few detectives who come through this door with not only the ability and the compassion to do this job but with the balls to survive it. You were one of them…." leaning forward in his chair Cragen clasped his hands and looked up at her, "… or at least I thought you were."

"I am, I mean I was, my point is that…."

"You're not the same Amanda Rollins we brought into this unit. You're not the same Rollins who overcame addiction with a quiet, resolute fortitude that I was in awe of. Where did she go? What happened to her?"

"She got…." and with really the only world she could find to describe what she felt in her gut Amanda shrugged sadly, "…distracted."

"You've got a lot going for you Amanda. Don't throw it all away. Don't lose who you are trying to become someone you won't ever be. Accept your mistakes, learn from them. Understand your past, move on from it. Find your strengths, play to them. Recognize your weaknesses….." meeting her eyes he nodded with a paternal faith in her ability to rise from ashes, "… and own them."

"Yes, sir."

"Ten years ago, hell even two years ago I would've told Tucker to go to hell when he proposed what he did. I would've moved heaven and earth to prevent him from artificially promoting one of my detectives into a role because it made for good press. I threw Benson to the lions because I am too goddamn tired to fight the way I used to do. I compromised to get the transition period weaved into the bargain not because she needed it but because it eased my conscience. I thought it would buy me the time to prove to Tucker and his rat pack that she isn't just the 'bleeding heart' of this unit….." no longer caring about the politics, the headlines or censoring his opinion Cragen sighed, "… she's the soul."

"And we'd be proud to call her Captain."

She had been wrong about so many things but it was looking into Don Cragen's eyes that she realised what she had been the most wrong about was Olivia. She might well have been a brilliant detective, a compassionate advocate for the victims and an increasingly competent leader but they were all beside the point. They weren't the reason Eve received birthday gifts from everyone at the 16th precinct on her birthday. They weren't the reason Fin would lay down his life for Olivia and her children. And they weren't the reason why Don Cragen was moved almost to tears at the notion he had betrayed her. She wasn't just Benson to them anymore, she was Liv: and they loved her.

"You think you've been given a rough ride coming into this unit but don't think she was treated any differently when she first transferred in. Stabler propped her up and covered her mistakes for a _long _time and to my knowledge he still was till the moment they stopped being partners. She lets her emotions blind her. She gets too close to the victims. She holds people to a moral standard beyond the capacity of the law and she breaks the rules to do it."

"You mean she's not perfect after all?" laughed Amanda darkly, acutely aware of how ridiculous she had become.

"She refuses to settle for the path of least resistance which is why, despite what Tucker thinks; she belongs behind this desk more than I do now."

"I want to be a good detective….." pushing her hands into her pockets Amanda raised her shoulders and added with conviction, "… I want to be a _great _detective."

"You already are a good detective, Rollins. The only person standing in the way of you becoming a great one….." smiling with the wisdom and experience of someone reaching the end of a journey she was only just beginning Cragen finished, "… is you."

"I don't know if I can do this. Any of it. I don't know that I can unmake the mess I've made of everything and make things right. I don't think…."

"You know whether you like it or not you're like her. You've got that same fire, the same stubborn determination to go it alone and you've both been dealt a rotten lot in life. But you know the difference between you and Olivia?"

"What's that then?"

"When someone tells _you _that you're not strong enough, smart enough, good enough….." rising from his chair Cragen took the letter from her hands and ripped it down the middle, "… you believe them."

"And she proves them wrong."

"You didn't break Benson. She'll come back, or she won't, either way it'll be her choice. What happened to her was humiliating and her ego's bruised but I'm not worried about her. I hate that I set her up for a fall but I trust she'll get back up again. If she wants make Tucker the greater fool in all this then she can and she will. He might not believe she's the best man for my job but I do."

"Captain I want to tell the truth about what happened. I want everyone to know that this was Atlanta's fault not yours and if anyone should be questioning their future in this unit it should be me and not Olivia."

"We'll put together a statement on one condition….." when she nodded as though to indicate she would do anything Cragen challenged, "… you let yourself off the hook for what happened."

"I really am just so sorry for….."

"Stop kicking yourself….." he countered firmly, as though she would only incur his anger if she didn't, "…. it's time to get back up."

* * *

"You know this is so great….." gesturing with his forkful of pie with a lip licking smile of enthusiasm Elliot popped it into his mouth and chewed slowly, "…. mmmm, yum."

"Really?"

"Absolutely." He lied, attempting to force a swallow while subtly reaching for his water glass and maintain a constant smile of appreciation. "Delicious."

"Liar…." tutted Olivia with a smirking roll of her eyes as she got up from her chair and wandered over to him, draping herself over his shoulders from behind and kissing his neck, "… but you're a real trooper for not spitting that out, thank you."

"You mean you knew that was gonna taste like crap before I….." catching himself mid-sentence Elliot winced and turned slowly around, "…what I mean is…."

"I was on hold with the florist and somewhere after stage four in the recipe but a long ways before stage 9 they confirmed my order and….." drawing her jaw sideways in an apologetic grimace Olivia confessed, "….so yeah, yeah I might have had a hunch it wasn't gonna be my finest culinary moment."

"Liv I love that you're spending all this time with the kids and you're smiling all the time, really I do but…."

"Not having this conversation."

"What? Ever?" he challenged, bringing her back to the unspoken reality that her standoff with the NYPD couldn't go on indefinitely. There was an elephant in the room and their apartment wasn't big enough to play host to it forever.

"Don't be an ass….." she protested, taking his plate out from in front of him and scraping it into the trash, "… you're killing my Desperate Housewife buzz."

"You know I'm pretty sure that not a single one of the women on that show are even remotely…"

"Well that's something I'll find out now I've got enough free time to watch TV instead of working all hours. You know Sam sat up for himself for the first time today and I was there for that. You got his first smile, the first time he rolled over but sitting up was _all mine_ and….."

"Will you at least talk to Cragen?" attempting some kind of compromise, though he was far from pushing her to return to the job Elliot needed to at least feel satisfied that she was confronting the situation. "We both know that if anyone's gonna walk you down the aisle it'll be him….." pouring himself another glass of water Elliot added pragmatically, "… and it'd be nice if you were at least, you know, on speaking terms."

"Did you get change to call the priest today?" ignoring him and instead countering with her own line of questioning Olivia knew all too well that she was avoiding dealing with life but, safe in the cocoon of their apartment, she was happy to continue doing so for the time being at least. "Have you decided on a best man?"

"Yes, he can meet us pretty much any time Tuesday or Wednesday so I'll figure out what shift I'm on and let you know."

"Great….." she smiled, reaching for a pen and checking another item of her wedding to-do list, "….and do we have a best man candidate yet?"

"I dunno, Liv. It's not like I don't have my guys. My oldest buddy is still in the Corps and God knows where right now. I could have my old partner I but he's just gone through a messy divorce out in Santa Fe but we haven't talked in a year or so and…."

"El there are a lot of headaches involved in planning a wedding at two weeks' notice but picking a best friend to stand with you at the front of church isn't supposed to be one of them."

"Yeah, yeah I know and it isn't."

"Great, great so who…."

"She'll be the one in the white dress….." he replied with a casual, cavalier smile that caused her to release her handful of dishes into the sink and simply turn and stare at him lovingly.

"You're cute, really cute actually…." putty in his hands Olivia wandered over and encircled his waist with grasping arms, "… but seriously…."

"I _am _being serious. I'm close with Alex like you are but she's your maid of honour. Fin is an important part of this family but let's not pretend he's ever been my biggest fan, sure he's _your_ best man but…"

"You're my best man."

"You know what I mean and I'm completely cool with it…." smiling warmly and leaving her in no doubt he not only understood her friendship with Fin but encouraged it Elliot shrugged, "….but it doesn't help me answer your question."

"Fin isn't such a terrible idea..." knowing peddling her own agenda but trusting he wouldn't care Olivia simpered, "….and he doesn't think you're so _very _bad these days."

"You want me to have Fin?" pondering the notion Elliot saw no real reason to object. Though he and Fin hadn't always seen eye to eye and had had their heated moments over the years it was most all in the past now. He had been unconditional in his support of Olivia and his affection toward their kids. "Okay, okay cool ask him for me."

"You ask him..." liking her plan more and more as it evolved Olivia saw an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone and provide two of the men in her life with a healthy outlet for their mutual frustrations in life, "….take him out for a beer or something. But look I'm not pushing you if you don't want…."

"No, no I'm on board I just…" leaning forward he kissed her, feeling the soft warmth of her lips yield against him before murmuring at a low purr and returning his affection.

"Tell me if I'm being a Bridezilla, won't you?" never having believed herself to be the kind of woman who cared which ribbon they tied her bouquet with, or that she'd have an opinion on which exact shade Alex and Eve's dresses would be but she was. She was more invested in their wedding than she had ever imagined she could get but she needed keeping in check.

"And take my life in my hands?" teased Elliot with a laughing smile. "Liv you're fine, honestly. I'll take Fin for a beer and we'll see if it's something we're both comfortable with, how about that?"

"How about that." Beamed Olivia, feeling as though things were finally coming together.

"Now did you say my boy sat up today and I missed it?"

"He can do it again….." grabbing his hand Olivia added proudly, "… come on we'll show you."

"It's okay if he's happy watching TV."

"Are you kidding me? El you gotta see how he's nearly crawling too. Evie was way older than him when she did all this stuff. He's my little Olympian."

"Yeah but Mouse was really quick to do all the geeky stuff. She was building little towers and organizing shapes at his age….."

"Can we call it smart and creative instead of geeky please Daddy?" shooting him down, but doing it with a loving smile Olivia encouraged Sam to engage in play with her instead of watching the television characters.

"Check out that upper body strength….." noted Elliot, as Sam hauled himself up from the mat and arranged himself in a sitting position to play with his mother, "….you're a little bruiser aren't you son?" coming to sit beside them on the carpet Elliot ruffled Sam's hair fondly.

"He'll be walking before he crawls I put money on it…." said Olivia, as Sam grabbed at the collar of her blouse and hauled himself up from the mat until his little bow legs were just about taking his weight, "….he just doesn't care. You should've seen the way he was throwing himself around that mat this afternoon."

"God I can't wait to get him his first glove….." with Eli quite a sensitive little boy and Dickie always more interested in playing with his twin there was a boyish connection Elliot felt with his youngest son that he didn't with any of his other children "…. and with his stones I can definitely see him on the offensive line."

"You wanna let him figure out how to put one foot in front of the other first?" throwing a playful smack at Elliot's thigh Olivia rolled her eyes. "We're getting a little head of ourselves aren't we Samson….." wide eyed and adoring Olivia made faces at her son before kissing his nose and smiling, "….but I reckon after the start you had in life my little man you can take on whatever sport your daddy throws at you."

"Talk to Cragen."

"El…."

"Please?" urged Elliot, stroking at her arm and furrowing his brow with an encouraging reassurance.

"Okay."

* * *

"Lizzie…." entirely taken aback Olivia blinked, drowsy eyed at the trembling figure at her apartment door, "… hi?"

"One of your neighbours buzzed me in and I don't know how I knew which apartment was yours but….."

"Hey, hey it's okay….." shushed Olivia with a warm, yet slightly uneasy smile as she gestured inside and spoke softly, "… come in a second and I'll get your dad."

"No!" came the almost too emphatic exclamation as Lizzie lowered her voice to add, "No, no please don't."

"Okay…." with absolutely no idea how this very unusual situation had come about, and even less where it might take them next Olivia simply allowed it to breathe a moment.

"I shouldn't have come here. I was just on this side of town and….." hesitating a moment and realising that lying defeated her entire purpose of having gotten up the nerve to come here Lizzie sighed, "….that isn't even true. I took the subway to get here. I just remembered Katie saying that if she ever needed someone she'd come to you."

"Give me a second okay?" recovering well from the incredibly poignant notion that despite everything she had evidently won the profound trust of at least one of Elliot's elder children Olivia reached out and gave Lizzie's shoulder a squeeze. "Let me just grab a jacket or something and we'll talk."

"It's not that cold for December…" said Lizzie with a light quiver in her voice as the two women sat together on the steps leading from Olivia's apartment building, "….doesn't look like we'll get a white Christmas this year."

"There's time yet."

"I don't really know how this works."

"How do you want it to work?" replied Olivia, zipping up the front of the hoodie she had thrown on as the first thing she could see to grab without waking Elliot. It was far too big for her and it smelled of his cologne which only saw to remind the two women of their unconventional relationship.

"I mean I've given you a pretty hard time in the past but now you're marrying my Dad next week and so I guess that makes us, well, you know; something.

"Lizzie you didn't come here in the middle of the night to tell me what you think I want to hear. I have no agenda here….." she clarified, shrugging lightly and prompting, "….but it kinda seems like you have something on your mind so?"

"I don't know how this is going to sound."

"Try me."

"I've been seeing this guy for about a month now. This man, I guess, he's a little older. He's really smart, sensitive, funny, he makes me laugh all the time. He makes me feel like I'm the most important person in the world whenever we're together only I know that isn't true because if it was….."

"Hey, hey sweetheart it's okay….." reaching for Lizzie's wrist and wrapping her hand lightly around it Olivia added softly,"…. take your time."

"He'd leave his wife for me."

"He's married?"

"And he has a kid and I know it's wrong and I should end it I just…" turning away, ashamed, Lizzie swallowed slowly, "….well I suppose I figured of all people you might…. I don't really know anyone who's been in this situation except for….."

"Except for me."

"I judged you. I couldn't understand how anyone could just disregard a marriage and a family but I can see now that I was just being a child."

"You were being your Dad's child. There's a difference."

"I used to idolise you Olivia. You were such a bad ass and so pretty. My mom was kinda old fashioned and frumpy, she was always nagging us about chores and homework but you were just cool. You had a gun and this awesome Lara Croft swagger and you could do everything my Dad could and it was so much more exciting than the laundry and cleaning I saw my mom doing."

"You know even Lara Croft has to do her laundry and cleaning at some point…."

"I realise now that I wasn't just pissed that you split up my parents' marriage and made my mom cry but that you let him weaken you. You were the strongest woman I'd ever known….." if ever words had held the power to break Olivia's heart it was those spoken by Lizzie, "….and I was just so sad and disappointed that you'd let my Dad make you into the other woman."

"I had no idea you….." feeling suddenly as though not only had she unknowingly failed Lizzie but that in many ways she had failed herself Olivia trailed off sadly.

"I pitied my mom because she's always been the kind of person who just let's life happen to her. She compromises, she says and does what she thinks people want her to and even though she'd defend her kids to the death she won't fight for herself. With you I was just mad as hell because I didn't see you that way. I never thought you'd lose your head and let a man dictate your life…." and then cutting straight to the real heart of the matter Lizzie sighed, "….I never thought I would."

"Lizzie you know you don't have to….."

"I get it now. You, and my Dad, and how much you must love him…" and as Olivia's eyes poured over her with profound empathy and understanding Lizzie broke down, falling into the older woman's waiting arms and beginning to cry, "….and how what happened wasn't all your fault."

* * *

"Who was that?"

"Honestly?"

"Well I don't want you to lie…." said Elliot as shuffled himself out from under the sheets and looked through the dim bedroom light at Olivia, "…. Liv?"

"Lizzie." She said after a few moments of hesitation, unzipping his hoodie and tossing it over a chair before climbing back into bed beside him. "It was Lizzie."

"My Lizzie?" he asked, as Olivia lay back against her pillows and examined her nails while carefully avoiding his eyes.

"Yeah babe, of course your Lizzie. How many others do I know?" and then realising that her attempt at evasion had come closer to aggression Olivia turned to his puzzled expression and softened to a smile. "I asked if she wanted to me to wake you but…."

"She wanted to talk to you?" though it was only partially a question from Elliot it still provoked a laugh from a still shell-shocked Olivia.

"I can't pretend I wasn't as surprised as you but yeah, yeah she wanted to talk to me."

"Can I ask what about or?" he ventured, this new territory they were wandering through as strange and difficult to navigate for him as it was for her.

"El would it be….." narrowing her eyes and testing the strength of their relationship and his trust in her Olivia asked with quite resolve, "….would it be okay if you didn't?"

"Liv….."

"She came to me. Of all the people in the world your daughter came to **me** with something, and she trusted me with it. She trusted me and if I tell you then….."

"I hear what you're saying but….." with a long, slow inhale Elliot let go of everything he had known previously and went against all of his better judgement, "….okay. Okay fine I won't ask."

"Thank you."

"But babe I gotta trust that if this is something that I need to know you'll….." jaw tight and fists clenched with restraint Elliot met Olivia's eyes and searched them deeply, "….she's my little girl, you know?"

"I know, I know and this isn't ideal but it's something. I've been wearing a scarlet letter for two years and I just accepted them hating me as the price I had to pay to be with you but maybe I'm done paying. I don't know how we do this or what the rules are but if there's a chance your kids are willing to let me have _any_ kind of relationship with them…" holding his hand and turning teary eyes to his Olivia shrugged, "…. I want to take it."

"Has she broken a law?"

"No."

"Is she gonna drop out of college?"

"No."

"Is she pregnant?"

"No."

"Is she gonna get hurt?"

"Maybe….." acknowledged Olivia honestly, "….yeah, yeah maybe she is. She might."

"Then as much as it kills me to be on the outside of this I'm glad she's talking to someone. I'm glad she's opened up to you and…." through gritted teeth Elliot was deeply sincere, "...well I can't think of anyone I'd rather have in her corner."

"Except for maybe you?" came a knowing smile from Olivia as she arched an eyebrow at him.

"You know just when I think you're done making me fall in love with you….." reaching out and dragging her into his arms Elliot kissed her temple with loving appreciation and sighed, "….anyways I won't ask. It's gonna kill me not to but I won't, because you having some kind of relationship with my kids is the icing on an already pretty incredible cake."


	22. Damned Indecision And Cursed Pride

"I'm still mad as hell at you."

"I know you are."

"It was us and them. Sometimes it meant you got caught in the crossfire and we were a pain your ass because you had to defend us to them but you did. You defended us. You defended me."

"I let you down, Liv."

"Yes…" nodded Olivia, speaking with the kind of raw unchecked emotion that she would have if she knew she would never work with Don Cragen again, "… yes you did."

"So what….." searching the room around them Cragen slipped his hands into his pockets and drew his lips to a crinkled purse, "….what happens now? Where do we go from here?"

"I've had a lot of time to think about that."

"You gotta come back. This job is what you were meant to do, you belong here, and in whatever capacity this unit needs you….." shrugging with a tired yet adamant expression he added, "… we need you here Olivia."

"Elliot and I need to figure out how this is going to work. This job might well be what I'm meant to do, but it's not _all_ I'm meant to do anymore. I have a family now and whatever else happens they need to be my priority. I was insane to think I could take on all that I did and not drown."

"You can be captain of this unit _and_ a mother to those babies."

"Not the kind of mother I want to be, captain."

"So you're not coming back?"

"I didn't say that."

"But…"

"I'll come back. I'll come back as a lead detective and I'll find my feet again and I'll give everything I can to this unit but there are conditions. I need to talk about my hours. I need to find a compromise that allows for me to keep my sanity and not feel like I'm constantly one crisis short of losing it the whole time."

"Okay, okay we can do that but…."

"I'm not done."

"There's more?"

"There will come a time, one day in the future when coastal California is where you're meant to be but it isn't now. It isn't today. You belong here every bit as much as I do and when you talk about this unit needing _me _Captain?"

"Things change and maybe…."

"Bottom line here?" in full knowledge of what she was doing and just what a gamble she was taking Olivia challenged, "Either we _both_ walk back into the 1-6 with our heads held high and in full knowledge that we are damn good at our jobs….." tilting her head and locking his eyes unflinchingly she added, "…. or neither of us do."

"I don't even know that Tucker will let us…."

"That face he thought he was saving? The good PR he thought he'd get by crowning me Homecoming Queen?" snarled Olivia with an expression of determination he knew all too well, "He might not like how quick public opinion sours when the likes of Donnelly and Petrvosky find out what really happened. I can paint a picture of a misogynistic ego maniac with a vendetta against this unit that's a damn sight less pretty than letting us put things back to exactly how they were before Rollins went to Atlanta."

"That's fighting talk Benson."

"You own a tie that post-dates 1963?"

"What the….."

"I know you hate weddings but I'm having one next Thursday and while I'd completely understand you saying no I was wondering….." it wasn't just her asking him, they both realised with equally open hearts and teary eyes, it was her forgiving him, "… you wanna take a walk with me?"

"Just to clarify, this walk we're taking…."

"I grew up here, Captain. You have had more influence on my life than….." knowing that she needn't say more on the matter Olivia shrugged openly, "…. and besides, if it weren't for you I would never even have met Detective Stabler. So, just to clarify, will you give me away?"

"I can't imagine a greater honour."

"You gonna come back to work?"

"I'll think about it."

* * *

"You want another in there?" asked Olivia, sensing that Melinda Warner was struggling to match the rest of the woman partaking in what was an increasingly cocktail soaked bachelorette party. "Because I know I do if I'm gonna survive another round of whatever that came Katie has us all playing is."

"Not just me that's feeling every single one of my four decades right now then?" chucked Melinda, gratefully sipping on her refreshed glass and dancing her eyes over to the bride to be.

"Unfortunately not, but she's a good kid though."

"She reminds me a little of my daughter. All that fire and energy and none of the 'can't' and 'shouldn't' and 'what if' that old age curses you with. I sometimes wonder when it was that I got so scared, you know?"

"Scared of what?" asked Olivia, removing the umbrella from her drink and fishing for the cherry.

"Life and all the little things, the big things….." leaning heavily against the bar Warner exhaled wearily, "….everything I guess."

"Everything alright Melinda?" then when no answer was immediately forthcoming Olivia nodded slowly and respected her silence. "Well you know if you ever need to talk I'm here. I doubt I can help but if you ever need a friend, you know?"

"You know I thought it would be easier to just walk away but I was wrong. I'm starting to lose count of all the things I've been wrong about these past few years. Losing a war you refused to even fight in is so much worse than the battle scars could ever be."

"How can you lose a war you never fought?" sensing that despite Warner's better judgement she had allowed the worm jar to loosen she probed gently. "That makes no sense."

"I should've fought for _him, _Liv"

"Mel…."

"I thought I was too good to get down in the mud. I respected myself too much to enter into hand to hand combat for something that I didn't even know was worth it. Only I didn't give myself chance to find out _just how_ worth it we could've been. I told myself that if you really mean that much to someone it shouldn't be a battle. I convinced myself that if you're meant to be together then you will be. I've been an idiot Olivia."

"No, no you….."

"I only have to look at you and Elliot to see that. If you'd told me when we started out that one day I'd be attending your wedding I'd have laughed you out my lab. Only you are, and the joke is on me."

"It isn't too late, it isn't ever too late and…."

"Yeah, yeah it is…" came the sad, accepting nod from Melinda as she glanced over to where Alex, Casey and Rollins were shooting tequila and smiled, "…. he's in love with her now."

* * *

"I'm so sorry we tried everything….."

"Not a problem."

"Fin would've driven her over himself but he had a couple of beers with the game. Well, anyways, we're sorry to crash in on your kid-free night."

"Mama!" came the exhausted yet determined wail from an Eve who had found volume in her lungs was the only way to express the abject wretchedness she felt. Hot and achy all over she was tired of being jostled around by Fin and Amanda, whom she loved dearly, but were not the arms she was so very desperate to be in.

"I won't have a kid free night ever again wedding or no wedding….." laughed Olivia with a warm smile and contented yawn as she held out her hands for a miserable little bundle of arms and legs that was her first born, "….will I Evie baby?"

"She was just so sad, such a sad, sweaty little thing we had to call you….." as Amanda wrung out her hands and danced up and down beside Alex Cabot's sofa Olivia assessed her daughter's medical situation and found there to be smoke but no fire, "….is she okay?"

"She's fine…." spoke a mother who's increasing confidence allowed her to tell the difference between Eve having truly been sick to the stomach, and simply being homesick for her mama, "…. she'll be just fine. Sit down, will you?"

"I feel like an idiot for panicking now but….."

"Sit down Rollins…." with Alex having briefly stirred from sleep and been ushered back to bed by Olivia before Amanda had arrived the living room was quiet and left onto two women and a little girl in the semi darkness, "….and relax. I'm really grateful that you brought her over."

"How'd you do that? How'd you get her to quiet down just by…." just by being her mother were the unspoken words that should have finished her sentence but instead Amanda opted for a change of course, "….you know she's quite something. She's gonna be a real handful when she's older."

"You mean tonight hasn't taught you she's already quite the challenge?"

"I really do love him Olivia."

"Yeah?" having had an eerily similar conversation with Melinda Warner a few nights earlier Olivia couldn't help but feel she was betraying at least one of the two women by saying anything more.

"I know things haven't exactly been great between us. Hell they haven't even been good lately but I wanna try. Fin is the best thing to happen to me in a long time and he makes me feel like I can be better at this. Better at all of it. I'm gonna really….." nodding resolutely Amanda smiled, "…. refocus, you know?"

"That sounds like a solid plan."

"A solid….." not entirely sure who she was talking too Amanda pulled a face, attempting to read Olivia's noncommittal expression, "…. you know we haven't really talked that much since everything kind of blew up and even though I apologised I'm not so sure you…."

"We're fine, Rollins."

"A solid plan?" twisting her face, still sceptical Amanda waited a moment for Olivia's enigmatic hazing to relent. When it didn't she shrugged with surrender, "Well anyways I really appreciate the way you didn't hold all that against me because you should've done. You and Cragen both should've done."

"Amanda it's not like I haven't made my fair share of mistakes. It's not like I've never kept quiet to hold onto a good thing….." laughing with a self deprecating ability to look back at her recent history and call a spade a spade for the sake of her friend Olivia sighed, "…. ask Kathy Stabler."

"Okay then."

"Look it's late and you've had a hell of a night thanks to this little one. How about you crash here? Alex has plenty of room and…. " seeing Amanda return her smile Olivia rolled her eyes with a light laugh, "… well we'll figure out how to get everyone to where they need to be in the morning."

"You gonna come back? To SVU?"

"I don't know."

"I guess it's not the same….." acknowledging that which was true for every one of them Rollins sighed, "….nothing is."

"No, no it isn't."

"I wish I could see us all twenty years from now. See where we are, what we're doing, who we're doing it with. I wouldn't care about right now then. I wouldn't mind waiting out all the crap if I knew that in the end everything would turn out alright, ya know?"

"It doesn't work that way, Rollins. It can't work that way. We've just got to wing it. Where we are and what we're doing twenty years from now isn't decided yet. It's up to us. Maybe it's all fate, maybe it's all predestined but I think mostly things are because we make them so. Twenty years from now I'm going to be going to be Elliot Stabler's wife, you know why?" turning to Amanda and setting a hand on her shoulder Olivia's eyes were deep with possibility, "Because against all odds, tomorrow I'm going to marry him."

* * *

"Are you okay there, bro? Only you look a little sweaty. You're really sweating up on your brow there..."

"I'm fine."

"You want a napkin?" fishing into the pocket of his suit jacket Fin retrieved a used paper napkin and presented it, "Here."

"What the hell is this? Did you get a snack on the way over?" grimacing at the daub of mustard and what he hoped was a ketchup stain Elliot refused the offer. Dabbing instead with the back of his palm at his admittedly lightly beaded temples Elliot scanned the church again. Though there may not have been that many in the congregation it was almost a full house.

"Who's that pawing Katie?" asked Fin, gesturing to Elliot's middle daughter who had taken her seat on the groom's side with her sister Lizzie, brother Eli, and a mysterious with guest. "New boyfriend?" nodding with a tight jawed resentment of the very bohemian, dreadlocked figure slouched in the pew between the girls Elliot responded gruffly.

"That's Marvin."

"Marvin? You've gotta be kidding me?" chuckled Fin. Taking in the assembled group for himself he noted a fairly impressive NYPD turn out and a good few familiar faces from the courtroom. Casey Novak and Judge Donnelley had taken seats on Olivia's side of the church with Amanda. Melinda Warner, meanwhile, had opted to sit with the Stabler kids and he wondered whether it hadn't been a very conscious choice to avoid Rollins. Meeting her eyes he didn't have to wonder, he knew it as fact.

"Okay, okay seriously now where the hell is she?" clutching a his jaw and shaking his head Elliot paced two steps forward, two back.

"Hey chill out will ya? The bride ain't ever on time. It's some sick female tradition."

"Kathy was on time."

"Yeah and look how well that turned out. Her inability to make you sweat was one of many reasons why..." muttering and rolling his eyes Fin turned around and asked,"...remind me again why I agreed to this gig?"

"What if she doesn't show up?" asking the same question a million other nervous grooms had asked before him, and many more would after, Elliot met Fin's eyes and showed fear beneath his nervous tension. "What if she's changed her mind? Freaked out? Decided she doesn't want to go through with it."

"After everything we've all been through to get here she damn well better go through with it."

"You're not helping Tutuola."

"She'll show up."

"You don't know that."

"I do, I do: I know that. I know it because Liv is a lot of things but flaky is not one of them. If she didn't want to marry you she wouldn't have said yes when you asked. In case you haven't noticed Elliot she has been fairly consistent in her commitment to this thing. Of the two of you it hasn't been _her_ that's taken a while to get on board. She doesn't half ass things…" nodding confidently Fin finished, "…. loving you included."

"I love her too, Fin. So much."

"I know, bro."

"Wait, wait is that…." furrowing his brow and narrowing his eyes against aging sight Elliot moved forward slightly to confirm that it was indeed Maureen and Richard he was seeing waking through the door, "… give me a second okay?"

"Dude you can't be going anywhere she's due any minute and…."

"Two seconds I swear….." vowed Elliot, darting down the outside of the pews and rushing to meet his two children, "…. hey, guys, hey, how's it going?"

"Hi Dad."

"Nice suit….." smiled Maureen, what felt like years of resentment melting away on seeing the pure joy in her father's face, "…. looks good with that tie."

"First thing you ever bought me with your own pocket money."

"I remember…." she nodded, looking to her brother and then throwing her arms around Elliot, "….look Dad I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to get here."

"You're here now….." choked Elliot, hugging her tight before drawing Dickie into the embrace, "….you're here now and it just means the world to me, the whole world, I mean that."

"She stood you up then or what?" teased Dickie, punching his father's shoulder and smirking.

"Shut up and go sit down boy….." cuffing him lightly around the ear Elliot met his son's eyes, holding the glance of appreciation or a moment before reiterating, "…. it's so good to have you all here."

"El? Hey! Hey Elliot?" gesticulating wildly from the front pew Fin beckoned his speedy return with increasing urgency. "We're on, bro! She's here!"


	23. Mrs Olivia Stabler

"I think I'm gonna throw up."

"No, no you are not."

"I can't walk in these shoes they're still a half size too big even with the stuffing."

"You're gonna be fine just take your time and lean on Cragen if you have to."

"What the hell was I thinking picking out a white dress when I'm a middle aged mother of two who pretty much _stole_ her husband to be!"

"It isn't white it's champagne, it's ivory, it's the perfect colour to compliment your sickeningly bronzed skin tone and I swear to God if I have to listen to you beat yourself up about how you look one more time when anyone with a pair of eyes in their head can see that…."

"Take a breath, counsellor….." interjected Don Cragen, when he suspected that Alex might be working her way up to some form of aneurism, "….she has the right to border on hysterical, but you most certainly do not."

"You didn't steal Elliot, darling….." smiled Alex, reaching for her friend's hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze, "… he fell in love with you."

"And seeing you in that dress who could blame him….." taking up Olivia's other hand Cragen's pale eyes were misty and red at the rims, "…. you're an absolute vision Olivia."

"Mama I gotta go potty."

"Oh no, no, no no Evie you do not get to pull this one when we already took you four times before we left…."

"It's okay, it's okay I got it….." rushed Alex, murmuring soothing reassurances to Olivia before grabbing Eve's hand and marching her at pace toward the nearby restrooms, "… we'll be two seconds, two seconds I promise."

"So this is it, huh?" taking back her hand and smoothing two lightly clammy palms down the front of her dress Olivia closed her eyes and inhaled slowly. "I feel like I've got my lungs wedged in the back of my throat."

He took a moment just to take her in. The loose chignon pinned at the nape of her neck that allowed for the drop diamonds in her ears to dangle free as she moved and catch the winter sunlight. Her gown was effortlessly elegant and hung perfectly in a fitted, flawless drop straight to the floor. A plunging neckline that danced the tantalizing line between splendour and impropriety showcased her ample cleavage while a lace overlay around her arms and shoulders injected a graceful modesty.

"I hear that's normal for a bride."

"Weren't you even a little bit nervous?" she asked with a dramatic exhale. He noted with amusement that, though in herself effortlessly elegant, she wielded her bouquet a little as though she might at any moment employ it as a defensive weapon.

"You wanna treat that thing with a little reverence?" he smiled with a gesturing nod, "It's a bunch of flowers not a sidearm."

"I've waited my whole life for this, Captain. Why do I feel like I'm having a heart attack?"

"I was nervous. Hell I was so nervous we had to stop twice on the way to the church so I could be nervous on the shoulder. Nervous isn't a bad thing, it's the natural thing, it's to be expected. If you were acting like this was just any other Thursday then that's when I'd start to worry….." shrugging fondly Cragen smiled, "… because like every single person in that church I know _ just _how much this means to you."

"Everything….." she choked, hearing Alex's voice in her head warning her that the makeup she had on was to last her the entire day and there was not a window in the schedule for touch ups, "…. it means **everything** to me."

"Old, new, borrowed and blue?" starling her slightly with the sharply delivered change of subject Cragen waited for a response.

"My dress is new and my shoes were my mother's….." hoisting her dress Olivia peeped out a cobalt Louboutin toe and added, "… and they're blue so..."

"It's nice that you have a piece of her here."

"She never wore them."

"Well…."

"One day she took me shopping and it's the happiest memory I have with her. We tried on all kinds of clothes and shoes and I remember her dancing around the store to an old Nina Simone track in these…" smiling with an attempt to maintain placid detachment from the recollection Olivia added, "… she said that they made her feel like the woman she'd always wanted to be."

"So she treated herself?"

"No, no we couldn't afford them so we left. Only a month or so later I walked by the store and saw them on sale so I bought them. She was doing so well for a while that year and it really felt like…" cutting the story short for her own sake she smiled, "….anyways I told her that when she got her one year chip we'd go out to dinner at the fanciest restaurant we could find and then go dancing in her shoes."

"She never got her chip?" nodded Cragen with a sad, empathetic sigh.

"358 days sober and she's sitting on the subway one night when she smells his cologne….." shrugging sadly Olivia choked, "…. she didn't leave her room for a week and the shoes never left their box."

"Until today."

"She really wanted to make it to one year sober but she never quite managed it. She wanted to do a lot of things….." unable to heed Alex's warnings the words caught in her throat and looking to the sky to supress tears Olivia croaked, "…. she… she should be here ….. today"

"Yeah."

"These shoes are everything that she _should_ have been, that she could've been if he hadn't taken it all just out of her reach. They're the Serena Benson that didn't give a damn who was looking while she danced around the store wearing heels she couldn't afford. I loved that version of her so very much and I think that it just feels as though these shoes are the person she wanted to be."

"No, no Liv…" reaching for her hand Cragen turned it over and placed something in her palm, closing her fingers around it and holding it fast, "…. **you** are the person she wanted to be."

"Cap…"

"You don't need me to tell you that if she were here today she'd be the proudest woman in the world right about now."

"What's this?" uncurling her fingers Olivia stared, mouth lightly open at the stunning emerald gold ring in her hand.

"Something old."

"It's beautiful."

"Marge's mother gave it to her on our wedding day and told her that it was a family tradition handed down from generation to generation when they'd married their other halves. It's just she was an only child and she passed on before we had any kids so….."

"Oh I can't…. no, no I couldn't…."

"I never had a daughter Olivia….." shaking her head and feeling weak with the enormity of the love in his eyes Olivia closed her eyes and sank deep into his waiting arms, "…..I never had a daughter..."

"Hey, hey Liv I hate to rush you but Fin asked me to tell you….." hesitating a moment before delivering her message verbatim Warner finished, "….that if you don't hurry up Stabler is gonna put his fist through a holy wall."

"We're back! Sorry it took so long only someone washed a little more than their hands….." smoothing out the lines of Eve's dress Alex rolled her eyes with a breathless smile, "….and we had to put you under the dryer, didn't we sweetheart?"

"Can I tell them we're good to go?"

"Yeah, yeah we're all set." Nodded Alex confidently.

"Are you okay Evie baby?" asked Olivia, finding her daughter's eyes despite having Alex fussing all around her and perfecting her dress and hair.

"I'm gonna hold your hand, mama?" feeling Olivia melt beside her Alex took hold of the reigns and control of the situation.

"Not just right now, sweetheart! See we're gonna stand back here and you're gonna hold my hand like this….." dragging at the little girls arm until they were several paces behind Cragen and Olivia, "….and your mommy is gonna walk with Uncle Don first, okay?"

"Are you ready?" asked Cragen, offering Olivia his arm.

"Yeah, yeah I am." Came the calm, confident nod in response as Olivia lay her hand over his and they moved forward.

* * *

"I've never been a man of words."

A warm chuckle waved through the congregation as Elliot's friends and family shared knowing looks.

"I sat down to write this and I realised that I don't think I will _ever_ be able to explain or describe what you mean to me or how falling in love with my best friend changed my life. All I know is that you make me want to try. Being with you makes me want to learn and change and grow in ways I never have before. You don't settle for good when it could be great, you don't accept defeat and you don't give up. You find me in the darkest corner of the darkest day and you remind me that there's always tomorrow."

"Not a man of words my ass, Stabler." Muttered Fin with a fond smile, incurring a crack against the knee by Alex Cabot's surprisingly swift hand and a withering glance from Amanda.

"You are the better angels of my nature Olivia….." choked Elliot, feeling her fingers grip his a little tighter, "…and I am completely and unconditionally in love with you."

"Elliot you are the most frustrating, stubborn and impulsive man I have ever known. I've never been very good at trusting things I can't control and from the very start I had no power over you or what I felt for you. We were bigger and stronger than anything I could ever even try to limit or contain. So I'm just going to close my eyes, hold your hand and jump: because I trust us. It isn't going to be easy. It's gonna be messy and we're gonna fight, and I'm gonna get mad and you're gonna hit things but that's why I trust it. I trust us because we're not perfect but we're meant to be, and I trust you because you're a pain in the ass….." shaking her head and laughing through tears Olivia gasped breathlessly, "….but you're also the love of my life."

"Are you doing okay there?" laughed Katie Stabler, dabbing at her own eyes as she witnessed Melinda Warner's tears.

"I'm fine, it's just so….." dancing glistening eyes across the aisle she watched Fin and Amanda share a kiss and choked, "….so good to see a happy ending."

"Elliot and Olivia, have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?"

"It's kinda adorably messed up that the first time they freely gave themselves to each other was in a hotel elevator….." grinned Fin who, though the sentimentality of the moment was not lost on him, loved the rough edges of his friends' relationship the most, "….isn't it Evie, baby?"

"Will you _shut up_ you ass?" smacking his thigh with purpose Amanda shot down the whisper that had gone unheard to everyone else instantly. A gentle intake of breath swept the congregation as the priest continued with the ceremony and encouraged the couple to make their pledges of commitment.

"I, Elliot Richard Stabler, take you, Olivia Serena Benson, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honour you all the days of my life."

"I, Olivia Serena Benson, take you, Elliot Richard Stabler, to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honour you all the days of my life."

"Hey, softy….." whispered Amanda softly, on seeing that with joking having faded in the wake of reality Fin Tutuola's eyes were misty, "…. I love you."

"I love you too." He echoed, clutching her hand tightly but returning his eyes to the nuptials.

"May God the eternal Father keep you of one heart in love for one another and bless this union now and forever. And so then by the power vested in me by State of New York I now pronounce you husband and wife….." blinking back tears Olivia's face lit up and her eyes dazzled Elliot with more life than he had ever known, "… you may kiss the bride."

"Hi."

"Hi….." echoed Olivia, her hands gently cupping Elliot's face as the rest of the world faded away from them and they shared their first married kiss.

* * *

"I didn't think you brother and sister were gonna make it."

"Yeah well I guess they figured out you weren't the worst thing to ever happen to my dad after all."

"They figure that out all by themselves?" asked Olivia, taking a sip from her champagne flute and shooting Lizzie a knowing smile. "Or did they have a little help coming to that conclusion?"

"That dress is amazing on you….." ignoring the implication that it had been a little peace brokering on her and Kathleen's part that had gotten Maureen and Dickie to the church Lizzie smiled, "….everything about today was just perfect. Are you gonna have a honeymoon?"

"Doing things in a slightly unconventional order seems to be our thing, so Florida pretty much was the honeymoon but that's okay. I think it's time now that we really figured out how this is all going to work going forward."

"It'll work, it'll all work out it just will."

"And how about you?" asked Olivia with a gentle smile, leaning against the bar at the corner of their reception room and turning to meet Lizzie's gaze. "How's things?"

"The same I guess."

"You doing okay with that?" there was no judgement, not even a flicker of subtext in Olivia's question and it moved Lizzie unexpectedly to tears. "Oh sweetie….."

"I'm fine! I'm fine!"

"I know you are. I _know_ you are….." reaching out and gently swiping away a tear from Lizzie's cheek with her thumb Olivia stroked her cheek lightly and sighed, "…. but just keep talking to me okay?"

"I'm scared. I'm scared that if I say what I really want to say, that if I give him the ultimatum I want to give him that….." pausing a moment to catch her breath Lizzie added quietly, "… that he won't choose me."

"Oh Lizzie, oh sweetheart come here….." closing her eyes and drawing Lizzie tight into a hug Olivia rested her chin on the young woman's shoulder, rubbing at her back before holding her left hand outstretched and tearing up at the bands on her ring finger, "….it's okay. I get it. You have no idea."

"God I'm such a mess I'm so sorry!" laughing with a breathless apology Lizzie pulled away and dabbed away the makeup sliding under her eyes. "It's your wedding day and I'm throwing my own little pity party over here!"

"I don't care what day it is Lizzie. I don't care what time it is, where I am or what else is going on I am _always _here ….." reaching for what she now realised were her step-daughter's shoulders Olivia nodded, "….you don't ever have to be afraid to pick up the phone or just come by the apartment."

"Ladies can I interrupt a minute?" asked Elliot, sidling up to the bar and sliding an arm around Olivia's waist.

"Hey Dad."

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah, yeah everything's fine….." nodded Lizzie, feeling a little more confident that one way or another it just might be, "….listen I'm gonna take these drinks back to Katie and Maureen. Congratulations again, both of you."

"So Sam spit up all down poor Melinda Warner's dress and Evie is keeping everyone fully informed of her bathroom visits….." chuckled Elliot with a warm smile as he stroked a hand with a repetitive, possessive affection at the small of Olivia's back, "….what's new with you?"

"Nothing much….." shrugged Olivia, reaching past him for her glass before settling back into his arms, "….. I married some guy this afternoon but..."

"Some guy, huh?" breathed Elliot, kissing at her jaw and neck and inhaling her perfume. "What's he like?"

"Meh…." wrinkling her nose and pushing out her bottom lip Olivia lifted her shoulders and teased, "… he'll do."

"So how does it feel to be Mrs Elliot Stabler?" he grinned with unabashed pride.

"Mrs Who Now?" she shot back with a teasing scoff. "Who says I'm taking your name?"

"Oh you're taking my name."

"No."

"Yes."

"Elliot!" she cried, dancing out of his grasp but then making little protest when he drew her back in. "That is _not _a given and you should know that. I might want to keep my own name. I might want to go back to work as Detective Benson."

"Do you?" he tested, flashing her that boyish smile and locking her with the baby blues he knew had always and would always be irresistible to her. "Do you want to?"

"No….." she confessed, resisting a smile and seesawing her eyes back and forth across the ceiling, "…. no but that isn't the point."

"Who are you?"

"Well I know _you're_ an idiot!" she laughed, as he confiscated the glass from her hand and setting hands on her hips swayed her side to side to the music filtering in from their party next door.

"Who are you?" he repeated, waiting with patiently adoration for a response that set his world on fire.

"I am Mrs Olivia Stabler….." throwing her head back and laughing at the sheer joy she felt at letting the words fall from her tongue Olivia leaned in and kissed him with a tantalising preview of what was to come later that night, "….. I am your wife."


	24. Do You Believe In Life After Love?

"Are you wearing a bowtie?"

"Zara said they're cool again. They're making a comeback."

"In which country? In what universe?" patting Nick Amaro's shoulder with a pitying smirk John Munch chuckled, "You've been played by a nine year old."

"She's eight….." replied Nick as the two men approach the hotel's reception desk, and then pulling a face he winced, "…. wait that didn't help me did it?"

"Good evening…" removing the shades that had protected him against the winter sun Munch replaced them with his glasses and clocked the employees badge, "… my man, Sergio. My name is John Munch, this is my friend Nick Amaro and we're tardy guests to the Stabler wedding."

"Tardy my ass….." came a voice from the distance as Olivia sat outside a function room a few meters away feeding Sam, "…I thought Evie might graduate college before you two showed up."

"Many thanks Sergio….." gesticulating gratefully Munch flashed a grin and waved a flourishing hand toward Olivia, "….but we found our potty mouthed bride."

"You look absolutely beautiful Liv…" leaning down and kissing both her cheeks in turn Nick smiled warmly, "….congratulations."

"Stabler better know _just_ how lucky he is….." bending at the knee to do the same Munch pinched Sam's cheek fondly and cooed, "…..and man are you growing fast little guy."

"You ditched Elliot already?"

"Not just yet. He's inside in his absolute element dancing disco with his daughters…" explained Olivia before quipping drily, "… we just check in every now and then to make sure your old man hasn't ruptured something, don't we Sam?"

"Everything go off without a hitch?" asked Nick, as he and Munch settled into the chairs either side of Olivia and her son.

"Kathy didn't come in at the 'any objections' line and tell you to get your hands off her man?" teased Munch, and as the three of them all shared a dark chuckle Olivia felt herself relax. For so very long, for so many years that kind of comment would've set the whole room on a knife edge. Even now it was only something that Munch could get away with saying, but still she was able to laugh freely and with absolute assurance that the past was where it belonged.

"No, no she did not….." she replied with a confident smile, "… and it all went perfectly."

"I wish we could've been there."

"I appreciate that you guys held down the fort so the others could be..." as Sam finished his bottle she leant forward and set it down on the coffee table in front of them, throwing a muslin towel over the shoulder of her gown to burp him, "….and we saved you cake and champagne inside."

"Cragen was just arriving as we left. He debriefed us and then headed into his office…" hesitating a moment to bring up something of such a delicate nature at her wedding Nick trusted the closeness they all shared and ventured, "… does that mean he's gonna be sticking around at SVU?"

"Are you going to be?" asked Munch, reasoning that if they were going to go there they might as well fully commit.

"Only you gotta know Liv that all that stuff with Tucker was a crock of shit. Not a single one of us agreed with what he did or the way he saw things. You were great as captain and we'd all follow your lead again tomorrow if you came back."

"I'm grateful to you for saying that Amaro."

"Have you and Elliot talked about it?" asked Munch, knowing that no decision she made would be without consultation. "What does he reckon you should do?"

"Whatever I want to….." she shrugged, patting with a repetitively soothing beat at Sam's back, "…. he's leaving it as my call."

"Have you made one?" asked Nick, realising just how much he had come to value his team. He would never have increased the pressure upon her by saying it, but he wondered whether his own choices might be affected by who continued to be a part of the 16th precinct family.

"If Cragen comes home, will you?" posing the question that had been on all their minds since the blow out with the brass Munch smiled, "If he's back at the ranch can we be expecting Captain Benson or Detective Benson to be joining him?"

"Neither."

"You gonna stay home and raise the babies….." came an emphatic nod from Nick as he proffered a disappointed but understanding smile.

"Nope."

"Liv?" asked Munch, in curious anticipation of Olivia's next words as she gathered herself and her dress up from the chair and flashed them a tantalizing smile.

"Tucker is an arrogant son of a bitch but he was right. I'm not ready for captain. I _am_ a damn good detective however, and there's not a chance in hell he's gonna drive me out of that unit."

"You're coming back?" smiled Amaro with a rush of pride and reinvigorated belief that SVU was down but not out.

"You bet your ass I am, gentlemen…" replied Olivia with her eyes more alive and her expression more determined than they had witnessed in a long time, "… only from now on I'll be bustin' your balls as Detective Stabler."

"Nice."

"Well then, with that settled. Did you mention cake?" asked Munch, rising from his chair and saying everything else he wanted to say by simply planting an every so light kiss against Olivia's temple.

"I did….." holding Sam fast against her shoulder Olivia opened the function room door and tilted her head, "... come on in detectives."

* * *

"What'ya doing out here?"

"I just needed a little air….." though it wasn't entirely untrue Melinda Warner felt the need to support the statement with a bright smile, "…. it's quite the party in there. A beautiful day."

"I haven't danced like that since high school, Evie Stabler is a little dictator!"

"She's fantastic, really she is. All that life just exploding out of such a little person….." laughing with a fond reminiscence Melinda sighed, "…she reminds me so much of Rachel at her age."

"How is you girl?" asked Fin, having wandered out onto the terrace he joined her at the railing and leant his elbows against it. "She still at Columbia?"

"No, no she's done there now. She started out just doing a doctorate but converted to an MD a while ago. She's taking up a forensics post with the FBI out on the West Coast next month."

"She's a smart kid…" impressed, Fin added without thinking, "… takes after her mom."

"Hmmm…." came the murmur of noncommittal reply from Warner as she stared off into the city lights and attempted to lose herself in them until he went back inside.

"You know I finally got around to watching to that British show you loved so much and it ain't half bad….." she rarely saw him nervous but he was in that moment, on edge and laughing with a breathy and vaguely grasping disquiet, "….that Lady Mary is a good lookin' aristocat."

"Crat."

"I knew that."

"What are you doing Fin?" she asked, shooting him a weary, withering glance and wishing he would just stop it. "Why are you out here making small talk to me when it's fun for _neither_ one of us?"

"I messed up Mel."

"Yeah, yeah you did."

"You're not gonna make this easy for me are you?" he laughed darkly, but she didn't flinch. Glaring at him she held her ground, holding her pride tightly with both hands and refusing to allow the thundering in her heart to drown out the voices in her head.

"You don't deserve easy."

"I think that got tangled up in…" shaking his head from one side to the other and struggling to find the words Fin shrugged unsurely, "… something. Something that I didn't understand or really think through."

"Do you even have the faintest idea what you're trying to say to me?" she asked pointedly, knowing from his expression and the hapless affection in his eyes that he did not. "Have you even thought _this _through at all?"

"I miss you."

"I didn't go anywhere….." finding it increasingly difficult to maintain a distance, a disconnected calm Melinda injected her words with a sting, "… that was you."

"I know."

"Fin…."

"I miss you singing Springsteen in the shower and baking those little cupcakes with squishy stuff in the middle. I miss your banana loaf and how you get angry when TV shows take liberties with science." Removing his hands from his pockets and holding them awkwardly at his sides Fin continued, "I know you think you're vanilla but you're not. You're just normal. You're not crazy or messed up or all broken inside and you're…."

"Boring in comparison to all the other emotionally unstable women in your life?" she offered with a sardonic arch of her right eyebrow.

"Mel I messed up and I'm sorry and I miss you."

"So you've said, multiple times now….." upturning her palms and shrugging off the weight of his statements Melinda smiled sadly, "…. but I'm just not sure what you want me to do with the information."

"I just….." he wasn't sure either, and he saw in her face that which his conscience wouldn't allow him to acknowledge, "…. I don't know and I know you like certainties but…."

"Fin I wasn't going to tell anyone until after the wedding and I'd kindly ask you not to mention it to anyone else but….."

"What?" he asked, his stomach turning over.

"I've been offered senior position working for the LAPD and I intend to accept their offer on Monday."

"Los Angeles?"

"My divorce has been finalised and we've put the house on the market."

"I didn't know that."

"And now with Rachel based out in California it feels like the right time to make the move and…" inhaling slowly she forced a smile and added anxiously, "…. it just seems like there isn't any reason for me to stay in New York anymore so….."

"Well….." he began, but couldn't continue. She was too good for that. She was better than any of the desperate grasping of straws or uncertain promises he could've made in that moment and so instead he just stared at her.

"Well what?" she asked, and staring deep into her eyes he knew that this was his last chance. This was his moment to say what she needed to hear and be the man she deserved him to be.

"Honey people are starting to ship out, you wanna come say goodbye?" came a voice from the nearby door as Amanda poked her head around it with a warm smile.

"Be right there….." nodded Fin, moving to the left and then to the right and then when the door closed behind Amanda he stood stationary and swallowed hard, "…. we should…. "

"Yeah, yeah we should." She nodded, pulling her pashmina around her shoulders and leading the way back to the party.

* * *

"I don't think so, babe."

"It's a great day care. Hey, hey what do you do with one of these?" turning an electrical box around in order to try and decipher its purpose Elliot pulled a perplexed face. "Is it for the kitchen or? Maybe it makes pasta."

"I'm fairly sure it makes coffee and sometimes you worry me….." grabbing it from his hands and rolling her eyes Olivia rolled her eyes, "… really you do."

"What does a cheap ass Dolly Parton lookalike and her rat-dog have to do with making coffee?" he defended, pointing to exhibit A in the unusual marketing angle displayed on the packaging.

"Look you're really not helping here so why don't you just grab a beer or something and leave me to…" taking a pause from sorting through their wedding gifts Olivia pushed up the sleeves of her sweater and folded her arms, "…. look, they're my babies okay?"

"Mine too."

"It's not the same."

"I mean I was never a star student but from what I remember of high school biology it really is _exactly _the same thing."

"Evie has been sick lately and…."

"Mouse hasn't been sick she's just got old and smart enough to figure out how to pull on her mommy's heart strings and get herself some attention."

"That isn't fair!" protested Olivia, though in truth she knew that he was right and that the emotional indulgence she had allowed herself to get away with when Eve was a newborn had to stop. "And then there's Sam, babe. There's Sam. I just feel like he's come so far so fast but he's not there yet."

"Where yet? Grad school?"

"Don't!"

"He might not be hitting all his targets the way Mouse did but that boy is strong. He'll be walking before he crawls, you said so yourself."

"I really like how you're using my own words against me there."

"Only because they're true and you're right. You know you are. Mouse might be the mouthpiece but Sam is a little bruiser and the pair of them together? There isn't anything those two kids can't take on and they might not be in the same group but they'll be in the same building. They'll be there together."

"There are a lot of things in this world that two kids who have never known anything but love and security can't take on….." covering her mouth with her fingers and shooting him the look of a terrified mother Olivia muttered, "…. we see it every single day."

"We can't think like that. We can't live like that. God knows if I could wrap the two of them up in cotton wool and not have them go out into the big, bad world at all then I'd do it right now but…."

"Don't patronise me for being scared to death for our children Elliot."

"You think I'm not scared to death too?" he challenged, finding his voice despite the vulnerability leaking from her every movement. "Liv I hear you. I hear what you're saying, I understand it and I feel exactly the same but they gotta be part of this world. We gotta just trust our judgement, try to make good choices and then just hope like hell the way all the other parents out there do."

"We've been doing okay so far haven't we? I mean they're either with us or with Fin or Alex…."

"Yeah, yeah and it's been great but you're talking about your colleagues not just your babysitters. Fin works long hours in the same job we do and Alex is an ADA. They're not high school kids with a lot of spare time on their hands, they're our friends. They'll bend over backwards to help out when they can but if we're serious about you going back to work….." laying their reality on the line Elliot shrugged, "…. we're gonna need professional child care."

"But….."

"I know you hate it. I know you hate the thought of leaving them with strangers but they won't be strangers after the first day. They'll be the smart, kind, fun people who they hang out with while mommy and daddy go to work. Besides the kids will already know Eli….." walking toward her and softening his voice Elliot smiled, "…. and he absolutely loves it there babe, he really does."

"Everything you're saying makes complete sense I just…."

"Kathy and I spent weeks and weeks choosing the right place to send him and this came recommended by everyone we knew. It's close to the precinct, it's got a preschool programme for the older kids, and they really talk to you about what's going on with your kids and how they're progressing. The staff there are really great and I trust them with Eli so….." reaching for her hands he pushed toward the finish line of her acceptance, "…. so I think that this is the perfect place for Evie and Sam to go hang out."

"I know that we have to find a solution. I know it. I understand that I'm dragging my feet it's just that they're so little and I'm just having a really hard time…." shaking her head and drifting her eyes back and forth between Elliot and the fridge Olivia mumbled, "… it's just a big deal to leave your babies with someone and until I feel sure that….."

"Liv okay so what's gonna happen now is that I'm going to say what I just said again, and you're going to listen to me. You're going to really hear what I'm saying and you're gonna think on it a minute before you respond."

"It's…." she protested, before he winded her with what she had failed to acknowledge preciously.

"I trust them with Eli."

"El…."

"No, no okay listen one more time …" and then just in case he hadn't been absolutely clear he met her eyes, levelled with her and repeated, "…. I trust them with Eli."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, yeah no I'm sorry I'm being an ass."

"You're not being an ass I am."

"You have every right to be nervous and freaked out and not want to send your kids to day care I get it I…."

"Our kids, El….." she countered quickly, realigning the boundaries of their discussion and bringing them back into the safe zone, "… don't do that. Don't pander to me. This doesn't work like that."

"Okay, okay I….."

"I'm the one that's out of line here. I'm the one that's pushing to go back to work and then fighting you on how to make it happen. I might be taking this harder because it's my first trip to the races but you're right and I'm wrong on this one."

"Wait was that? I didn't quite catch it?"

"Okay _now_ you're being an ass."

"If you need more time."

"I don't."

"But if you…."

"If this day care is good enough for Eli then it's good enough for our kids. If you trust them with him….." speaking with conviction she nodded, "…. then I trust them with Evie and Sam."

"You're sure?"

"See how good I did there? See how I bent, see how I conceded that you might have a point just this _one_ time….." smiling playfully at him she mused, "… I might not be so bad at this marriage thing after all."

"Day six and we've not screwed it up yet."

"Give us time."

"Nah, nah I think we've got this down."

"Okay but _seriously _though….." narrowing her eyes and feeling mildly horrified by the genuine obliviousness on his face Olivia patted the top of the coffee machine and pulled a face, "… you thought you were gonna make pasta with this thing?"


	25. Holding On And Letting Go

"Hey, hey John did I not hear Fin say that we were getting Liv back today?"

"We were until one of the kids got sick…" nodded Munch, distracted by the sea of paperwork on his desk and wading his way through an overfilled sandwich, "….you know I swear Nick there are more holes in this case than the Swiss in my sub."

"Hey guys, heads up. United 72 lands at La Guardia in three hours with four more of these nutcases on it….." announced Rollins, re-entering the bull pen and throwing her jacket over her chair, "… the Captain wants us gussied up and ready to roll by lunch."

"Nutcases? Is that the technical term, detective?" smirked Amaro, always amused by Amanda's ability to truncate the work of Dickens in to 'previously on' summary.

"You thought this was big before boys…" laughing, a little breathless at just how broad and potentially earth shaking the scope of their case had just become Rollins exhaled, "….but shit just got real."

"Homeland Security got them on a list? Really _any_ list at this point….." dry as ever Munch set down his roll and leaved through another set of papers before adding, "…. because from what I can tell there isn't a box these guys don't check in terms of being a really bad idea on just about every level."

"What happened to Conspiracy Clive…." smirked Fin teasingly, "….you're not usually a fan of TSA procedures."

"I don't want them seeing what I ate for lunch but if stops planes going into buildings and affiliates of Al Qaida sharing a subway car with me then I can get on board with the general mise-en-scène of their mission statement."

"You really see Al Qaida links in this? I thought we were just looking for a missing girl?" asked Amaro, the words ringing like chimes of doom in his ears as memories of 4am conversations with Maria in Iraq came flooding back.

"I don't see the link yet but the FBI sure as hell do. They're sending Huang over with a team of their own as soon as he gets done with whatever top secret mission he's on deep in the Nevada desert….." leaning handing out their various assignment Cragen had dispatched her from his office with Amanda shrugged, "…. and the brass are calling in the big guns. We're at whatever the NYPD equivalent of DEFCON 5."

"You mean 1."

"Do I?" asked Amanda, turning to Fin with a puzzled expression.

"Easy mistake, they make it in all the movies, but DEFCON 5 isn't the highest alert: 1 is."

"Good to know." Smiled Amanda, feeling as though the tension in the squad room was lifting and a great deal of that was down to her relationship with Fin having regained at least some of its equilibrium.

"Did you also know that DEFCON 1 has never been called for? The highest we've ever gotten is 2 during the Cuban Crisis….." added Munch, and they could all see just how much pride he took in titillating them with these fun facts and added details, "… even 9/11 only to us to 2."

"You're a mine of information John…." vaguely mocking but deeply fond Fin chuckled to himself before catching the pained expression on Nick Amaro's face, "… anyways, how was this all relevant again?"

"We just went from dealing with rapists to terrorists….." said Amaro with a quiet, brooding muttering, "… from what I can infer."

"Anyways y'all we've got a girl to find and Cragen wants to see you and Munch in his office before you head over to the women's refuge."

"On it."

"So putting aside how I know this….." said Fin slowly, when he and Amanda were alone, "…. how come you're still getting updates from a Detective Scott out in Tacoma?"

"How _do_ you know that?" she challenged, though she seemed more curious than defensive or angry. "You go through my cell?"

"No your e-mails; I was looking for the order confirmation for those fancy pillows you ordered and I recognised the name. You changed your mind about getting in contact?" he asked, as they both remained startled by their ability to remain calm in what would ordinarily have been an animated discussion if not a blazing row. It was as though neither one of them had the energy.

"No, no nothing like that. He just saw her name come up on the new intake list for the Seattle PD and thought I'd wanna know is all. That really _is_ all."

"She joined the police?" asked Fin with considerable surprise. "Where'd that come from?"

"I have no clue. I don't even know the kid. I don't know why she makes any of the decisions or choices she does but…."

"Okay, okay don't sweat it I just…." inhaling slowly Fin said that which he felt he ought, "… you're not done with that are you?"

"Done with what?"

"Georgia."

"Fin she's my child. I had her inside me. I carried her in my belly for nine months and she's a part of me. We might not be together, we might not ever be together but she's my daughter….." shaking her head with incredulity that he could have been so glib about the matter Amanda shrugged, "…. so no, no I won't ever be done with that."

"Ach I didn't mean it like that."

"Nothing has changed. I swear it. I'm not going to go chasing off up to Washington for some kind of family reunion….." softening her expression and offering a reassuring smile Amanda added, "… it's just good to know that she's doing good, that she's happy. That's all."

"You okay?"

"I'm fine, I'm good. You don't have to worry about me."

"I do though, I do worry about you. You've dealt with a hell of a lot of crazy these past few months and you better get used to the idea that I'm gonna keep checking in."

"You've not exactly had it easy lately either."

"I guess we both kinda came into this from a funky place." Was the understatement of the century from Fin, and the reality that underpinned their entire relationship.

"You mean when we were stranded on a raft in the middle of the Hudson!" she laughed, but it wasn't funny. It wasn't funny at all. "Fin you would tell me if you weren't happy, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah, yeah course. Don't pull that face. I'm good, we're good. Everything is peachy, Peach."

* * *

"What about this one? Where do you want this one baby?"

"That's for momma….." cute as a button though she may be, Olivia watched Eve batting her dark lashes over mesmerizing baby blues and suspected her daughter was far more perceptive than any two and a half year old should be, "….it's for you."

"Oh this one is for me is it? Does Sam get one?"

"Sammy gets a blue squircle….."

"Circle."

"Because he's a boy…" ignoring the correction Eve justified the building block she gifted to her brother, pushing it on him as the puzzled but eternally placid Sam took it between chubby fingers and held it tight, "…. he's my baby."

"El, babe, you're home early….." flashing her best smile Olivia knelt up and held her hands on her hips, "…..how was your day?"

"It was fine but more to the point Minnie Mouse….." ditching his jacket and cell phone on the sofa Elliot bent down and hugged Eve, "…. how was your first day at day care? Which room did they put you in?"

"Look Daddy we made a house and I gave Sammy the blue squircle because he's a boy and….." padding over to the fridge she lifted a magnet and retrieved the still tacky painting under it, "…. I made this for you."

"At day care?"

"With mama." She grinned, looking to Olivia for confirmation and approval she did not receive from a mother trying desperately to remain poker faced.

"We never quite made it to day care today….." with a warm smile and knowing shake of his head Elliot looked between his children and then at Olivia, "….did we guys?"

"My tummy was sad."

"Hey, hey sweetie how about you go start getting ready for bed? You go be a big girl and get in your jammies and pick out a story and I'll be right there…." instructed Olivia with gentle encouragement, "….go on, baby, good girl, I'll be there in five minutes I'm just gonna talk to your dad first."

"Good girl Mouse."

"She's sick?" asked Elliot, knowing full well there was absolutely nothing wrong with Eve's health.

"I'd have left Sam there."

"Okay."

"I mean that kid is made of clad iron and nothing fazes him, life just runs off his tiny little back and he didn't even flinch when I handed him over."

"Evie not so much, huh?" predicting just exactly how their firstborn had reacted to being parted from her mother Elliot loosened his tie and undid the top button of his shirt as he took a seat on the sofa.

"She didn't like how the place smelled and she cried these giant tears and it was just awful….." hearing herself talk and cringing inside Olivia climbed up onto the sofa beside him and gratefully found her usual place on his chest, "…. I'd have been the worst mother in the world if I'd left her there."

"It's okay; we can find another place to send them. There are other options. I've got tomorrow off and if you can square it with Cragen that you take another few personal days we can check out what else is out there and….."

"No, no we cannot."

"Huh?" he asked, feeling as though he had reached the pinnacle of diplomacy and now he hadn't he faintest idea where her head was at. "So you wanna talk about not going back to work at all?"

"You really are very sweet sometimes, you know that?" she murmured, resting her chin on his chest and looking up at him with a syrupy gaze. "You should have lost your mind the moment you found out I refused to leave Evie at a perfectly good day care. You really should. I mean the place was great."

"It was? Only I'm not sure I'm totally following where this conversation is….."

"The girl who took Sam was smart and professional and had everything under control. She was great with the kids and I'm fairly sure she knew Evie wasn't sick but she indulged me anyway. The place is great, it's bright and colourful and maybe Evie didn't like how it smelled because she's not used to her rooms smelling like cleaning products instead of last night's pizza and your socks."

"Hey!"

"Every single kid I saw was smiling and engaged and running around being noisy with their little friends….."

"So you didn't hate it?" he asked, treading ever so lightly.

"Oh don't get me wrong I really wanted to. I tried _really _hard to hate it and I went into that place will every intention of writing you a very comprehensive list of all the reasons neither Eli nor our kids should be there but….." dropping her head she groaned, "…. damnit that little girl can play me like a fiddle."

"The two of you have a pretty one off kind of deal going on….." rubbing her back soothingly he nuzzled at her hair and smiled, "…. it's not a shock to me that you had a hard time leaving her there, Liv."

"Does it make me a bad mother that I would've left Sam there though?"

"No, no it does not. He's your second, he's a boy, and he's just kinda deals with whatever the hell life throws at him where most babies scream like little banshees. He's a cool dude and Mouse could give Elizabeth Taylor lessons in melodrama."

"I should've let you come with me. If I had done then you could've shaken some sense into me and I wouldn't have had to lie to Cragen like a crazy person and say that Evie had some mysterious flu all of a sudden."

"Babe do you think that I wasn't in pieces the first time I had to leave Maureen? I was a mess for at least a month and I called multiple times a day to give those poor people hell. I was a basket case. Heck over the years you've been the one to talk me down from the crazy person ledge when it comes to protecting my kids on more than one occasion. If you're not ready to do this, if you want to stay at home with them a while longer then let's talk to Cragen and…."

"No, no I'm ready. I can do this. We're gonna do this and we're gonna do it tomorrow first thing. If you have to _carry _me out of that place kicking and screaming then we are going to do this."

"Only if you're sure…."

"They had a Sparkle Castle, El. That kid would sell a kidney for a Sparkle Castle. And they had a whole wall of books and a little grocery store with a real cash register and the place is just _full_ of people she can boss around and a few who can actually respond unlike her poor longsuffering brother."

"Your gut is really telling you that this is the right thing or Mouse?" and when it came to their kids, and especially their daughter, he was learning to trust her gut infinitely more than he did his decades of parenting experience.

"It's her heaven if she'd just give it a chance and if her mother would stop being so hysterical."

"You're not hysterical you just love her too damn much to see her cry when you can stop it."

"Well that's true."

"So we're gonna go back tomorrow and give this another shot?"

"Yeah, yes we are and even if I have to have a valium with breakfast we are going to succeed."

* * *

"What time do you call this, detective?"

"Don't start with me Fin I'm not in the mood. I've just had a traumatic experience."

"Oh yeah?" he smirked, before softening and allowing her a sympathetic smile instead. "So you managed to leave them both there this time then?"

"He rat me out about yesterday didn't he?" she asked, narrowed eyed and all too aware of her new husband's nasty habit of covering all bases without her knowing.

"Don't give the guy a hard time for having a backup plan to cover your ass…." the moments in which Fin would defend Elliot were rare and fleeting and so it resounded when he offered, "….being sensitive isn't an area he usually excels in so I think he gets credit not earache on this one. He had me and Alex on standby just in case."

"Well that won't be necessary. Sam is enjoying all the cuddles and Eve has already crowned herself reigning queen of the Red Room. So how about you bring me up to speed on what's been going on around here while I've been away….." tossing her purse onto her desk and settling herself back in Olivia set him a considerable challenge, "…. tell me everything I need to know? And where is everyone by the way?"

"Munch is in with the Captain strategizing our next play. We're in ankle deep with this Yemen crowd and we need a new game plan. So far we're getting stone walled at every turn by the men and the women are all terrified to talk."

"The girl still missing?"

"Her sister too now. She arrived on a flight into La Guardia and we trailed them but these guys are good, real good. The car showed up on the Upper East side as planned but she wasn't in it. I don't know how the hell we lost eyes on her but we did."

"When you say we're in ankle deep….."

"More like in over our heads."

"Gotcha."

"Rollins and Amaro are taking a pass at the mother but she's locked up like freakin' Rapunzel in that place. I can't see them getting any closer than Munch and I did when we went to Yemen's answer to a booster club fundraiser."

"So we know the missing girl was brutally raped, admitted to Mercy and then just vanished before they got as far as the rape kit. How old do we reckon she is? How old is her sister?"

"She told them she was twenty one but….."

"You looked tired, Fin…" setting down the mug and paperwork in her hand she gave him her full attention, forcing his eyes and adding worriedly, "… everything alright?"

"I'm just fine."

"You want me to call you out on how obvious a lie that is?" she asked quietly, and then without waiting for him to respond looked away to allow him space to breathe through his denial and infer that he didn't. "I heard Warner is working her two weeks. How you doing with that?"

"It's really good to have you back, cheekbones." And nodding slowly she read between the lines and accept that her simply being there was all he needed for now.

* * *

"Hey, hey what's up?"

"Nothing, nothing I'm fine I'll be right back…." but as Amanda dragged the top sheet from the bed and wrapped it around herself Fin knew enough to hold his tongue. There had never been anything wrong with their physical relationship but he knew in the post coital reality of their emotional one things they were sailing storm seas.

"Talk to me, Peach…" having dragged on sweat pants and a t-shirt he followed her into the living room and gruffly entreated, "….talk to me?"

"You saved my life Fin."

"I think I'm gonna need a little help decoding this one."

"From the Hudson, after Atlanta, over Georgia. So many times and in so many ways you have saved me. Sometimes even from myself."

"Why is it so hard for you to believe that someone could care about you?" he asked, shaking his head and wondering whether she wasn't wrong. Whether in fact no one would ever be able to save her from herself and the debilitating belief she seemed to hold that she just wasn't good enough. "What is it going to take for you to understand that I am in this? All the way. I ain't gonna quit, Peach. I'm not gonna walk away from this no matter how hard you push or how messy it gets."

"I know that."

"So…."

"I know it and I trust it and I trust you. And it has been a very, very long time since I trusted anyone. When this all started, when you pulled me out of the river that night….." shaking her head and dragging at the crisp white sheet around her until it was bundling her like a cocoon Amanda stood barefoot in his living room and began to cry, "…. it was like the world world had been sitting on my chest and you lifted it off. I felt all the air rush back in. For the first time in my life I knew what it was like to be able to rely on someone, to really rely on someone to be there no matter how bad things get. They'd be there for you, you could lean on them."

"You're making it sound like a bad thing."

"No! No it's beautiful!" she cried, and he loved her so in those moments. Those moments where she didn't think, she didn't allow her neurosis and fears to control her words and she just allowed whatever came first into her heart to pour off her tongue. "I came to you after Atlanta because I knew you'd be there. I knew it. I knew that I could turn up in pieces on your doorstep and you'd help me put myself back together again. I knew you'd fight on my side no matter what because that's who you are. You're the guy that runs back into the building when everyone else is getting the hell out of there before it burns down around their ears."

"Look I don't know where you're going with this but how about we just go back to bed and…."

"Stick a band aid on it?" she asked, with that lazy, lopsided smile and syrupy southern drawl. Her eyes were heavy, sad, spilling over with the goodbye that was slowly stealing the oxygen from the room. "Fin I'm going to say some things now that you're not going to like hearing but you gotta listen. You gotta listen and not talk until I'm done or I won't be strong enough to do this."

"Fine, fine but…."

"I was a bitch about Olivia."

"No, no you…."

"Please?"

"Okay."

"I busted your balls about your friendship with her and it was wrong of me. I was wrong. I know you just assumed I was jealous and maybe I was but not for the reasons you thought. You fight on Olivia's side, you have her back and you always will. You have this amazing, kinetic, supportive and _mutual_ connection that is one in a million. You bring the good out in each other. She lights a rocket under your sorry ass when you need it and you put her fires out. She might be a whole barrel of crazy drama but she's got her shit together and she gives back every bit as much as she takes from you."

"Can I talk yet?"

"No."

"Okay."

"When I attacked your relationship with her and tried to tell you that it wasn't equal I think I was mostly just talking about myself. I think the relationship I really meant to…" closing her eyes and squeezing hot, stinging tears from her eyes Amanda waited for the rawness in her throat to subside enough for her to swallow, "…. I am sucking the fucking **life** out of you Fin."

"Hey, hey that's not…."

"Olivia had her reservations about us all along and at first I thought she was just being her usual snap judging, mildly condescending self and resisting change the way she always does but she was right. This was a bad idea right from the start and it would never even have happened if we hadn't ended up on that damn dinghy in the river."

"That isn't true we….."

"Fin please don't make this any harder than it already is by pretending that you don't know exactly what I'm talking about."

"I don't!"

"When I first transferred up here I was naïve, idealistic, combative and granted a bit of a rough diamond but I had stuff going for me. I was bright, quick, I was new into this when y'all were tired and beaten down by the horror of it all. I brought balance. I brought something, damn it. I was a long way from perfect but I was independent, confident, I had my own place and I was building a life. I was strong."

"You're still strong. You're one of the strongest people I know."

"Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that you like the people we are right now?" it was as though someone had stolen his ability to draw breath and he just stared at her. His eyes a little too wide, his jaw slack and his mouth unable to form any words to disagree with her. "Can you truthfully say that you think we are the best versions of ourselves?"

"I…."

"Because I have searched my soul, I have taken off my goddamn skin and wrung it out and I just keep coming back to the same truth….." shrugging with a new pain, one of broken acceptance Amanda whispered, "….that we are no good for each other. I am no good for you Fin."

"I ain't gonna just give up on this and walk away so…."

"I knew you'd say that….." she laughed, a breathy, nervous little expelling of air, "… and I love you so much for it. I really do believe that you would stick with this to the bitter end until you couldn't stand the sight of me and I'd beaten every last bit of lightness and freedom out of you. I'm vulnerable and needy and because of Teresa and because of Ken and all the other people in your life that you think you let down and you didn't save when you could've you won't quit this."

"Peach…."

"No matter how messy it gets, like you said. No matter how miserable you are you won't leave because that's your MO and you're not that guy anymore."

"I wish…" and there it was, a strange and tingling darkness and relief that washed over him and a need to cry though his eyes were too proud, "…. I wish things had gone down different."

"Yeah."

"I care about you, 'Manda. I love you."

"I know….." feeling her knees buckle and go from under her she slumped down against the sofa arm, hugging the sheets and her arms around her waist and chest and looking him right in the eye with her worst reality, "….and that's my kryptonite."

"Huh?" he sniffed, gruffly wiping his nose against the back of his hand and moving toward her.

"I have fallen hopelessly, helplessly, destructively in love with every man who ever cared about me and who'd carry me. It's pathetic I know. It's brutal but it's true…" grimly she confessed, "…. it's been true ever since I was thirteen years old."

"Since Georgia….." it was rhetorical, he needed no clarification.

"Only my little girl grew up and I realise in a lot of ways I never did. I haven't yet. I need to be the Amanda Rollins who first showed up at SVU a few years back…" as he came over to hold her she held out a hand, holding her palm upturned to him and adding, "… and _you_ need to be the Fin Tutuola who doesn't have the weight of the whole goddamn world on his shoulders all the time."

"I want to fight you on this."

"I know, I know you do…" giving in she gratefully sank into his arms and wept, sobs wracking her body as it trembled against his chest and he clung to her as tight as he could, "….and I want to let you. If I thought it was for the right reasons I would."

"So what happens now?" he asked after a few moments of silence, when he began to feel her pulling away.

"I'm gonna….. I'm gonna go…. take a walk and….." struggling to force the words out Amanda looked at his face, his kind eyes and the relief in them and knew that despite every aching muscle in her body telling her otherwise she was doing the right thing, "….we'll figure out…..we'll talk…."

"Yeah, yeah later we can talk."

"I'm gonna take the couch tonight though. Find a friend to crash with tomorrow."

"Peach…."

"Hey Fin d'ya think... this is just even harder than I ….." waiting for the hiccoughing of abating sobs to lesson Amanda smiled, "…. maybe I should be, could be, just Amanda again?"

And with that, she was.


	26. This Changes Everything

"Babe they didn't have any of those weird prawn toast things you like so I got extra crackers….."

"They're not weird they're a totally legitimate side order."

"He have trouble settling tonight?" asked Elliot, setting their takeout order down on the kitchen counter and noting that Sam was still securely burrowed in Olivia's chest.

"We're bonding."

"I see."

"Don't judge."

"Wouldn't dream of it….." smiled Elliot, never more content than arriving home to see Olivia happily ensconced on the sofa with their children, "….does he want sweet and sour pork or crispy duck?"

"Evie wore herself hours ago so Sam and I have been spending some time together….." pressing a kiss against the temple of her sleepy eyed son Olivia smiled, "… haven't we baby boy?"

"You just want a bit of everything?" asked Elliot, lifting the various containers from his brown paper bag and serving them onto two plates.

"Yeah, please…" digging further under the sea of blankets she and Sam were buried under Olivia tentatively pressed, "… hey El so I was thinking, what if instead of taking Eli to the zoo again at the weekend we took all three of them to the theatre?"

"I'm listening."

"I just saw that they're doing a version of the Lion King aimed at pre-schoolers and it might be a bit young for Eli but our two would love it and….."

"Sounds good to me."

"It does?" she frowned, having prepared herself for a battle that was evidently not going to transpire. Sam, alerted to his father's presence, began to stir and clambered down over Olivia's legs and onto the carpet. "But you hate the theatre. You always whine that it's too long sitting in one place."

"Well, yeah, I do and it is but I doubt this one will be War and Peace if it's aimed at kids his age. Besides it'll be fun to do something different with them." Wandering into the kitchen she nodded with a marvelling appreciation of his logic and willingness to bend.

"Okay who are you and what have you done with my grouchy, stuck in the mud husband?" and as she spoke the final word Elliot took a pause from dishing out their food and they both just smiled at one another a moment. It still sounded so good, so right when said aloud.

"Hey, hey babe don't make a big deal but turn around….."

"Don't make a big deal of…" and the second she caught sight of Sam, pulling himself up against the coffee table and then tentatively letting each hand go in turn before finally releasing his grip all together she gasped animatedly, "…. oh my God!"

"Shh don't freak him out….." moving around the breakfast bar and squeezing at her shoulders with his hands Elliot grinningly instructed, "…if he realises what he's doing he'll panic."

"My baby boy….."

"Was that three?" asked Elliot, as Sam eventually lost his balance and his diaper landed on the carpet in defeat. "Did you count three steps before he hit the deck?"

"Four, I definitely counted four….." feeling his arms snake around her waist Olivia leant back into Elliot's chest and hugged him tight, "….okay maybe it was three but there's gonna be no stopping him now. All bets are off and if Evie was old enough to understand he beat her too it by three months can you _imagine _her little face?"

"She was a lot closer to talking by his age though, right?"

"Maybe he's gonna be a man of few words like his father….." she smiled, with echoes of Elliot's wedding vows resounding, "….you're not wrong though, they're completely different."

"And completely incredible….." and then, with his usual understated but wholehearted sentiment Elliot kissed her lips lightly and held her eyes for a moment, "….which is pretty much all down to you."

"El….." she melted, with loving eyes. Never one to linger too long on sentimentality Elliot, however, had returned to his dinner duties and simply handed her a plate of Chinese food with a smile.

* * *

"This is not our case anymore."

"But Captain…." began Rollins, vocalising the gathered groups' immediate reaction to the message Cragen was delivering with a measured calm.

"I'm going to repeat what I just said for any of you who may have chosen not to hear me the first time. This is not our case, detectives." It had been roughly a week and a half since the old order had been restored and, with Olivia's return, the team had been returned to a full complement. Though initially they had struggled to regain their rhythm they had gradually found their beat again they were now a cohesive force once more.

"Are there still two girls missing? At least one of them a minor?"

"Yes."

"Was one of them brutally beaten and raped?"

"Yes."

"Then I'm sorry Cap…." finished Olivia with frustrated disbelief, "…. I don't understand how this isn't a Special Victims case."

"I'm with Liv." Nodded Munch, and Amaro and Rollins followed suit murmuring their support. Fin, meanwhile, was staring so hard at the wall behind Cragen's head that Olivia suspected he might start to burn a hole through it.

"I want to find them as much as you all do but the fact of the matter is that their disappearance is a drop in the ocean in comparison to what the Feds are now dealing with on this case. Professional respect and my responsibility for your safety mean I have to toe the line on this one. We do things their way, we play by their rules."

"Due respect…" shaking her head and saying exactly what was written all over Olivia's face Rollins sighed exasperatedly, "… this is bullshit."

"Are we done here?" asked Fin with a gruff mumble as he got up from his seat and, regardless of Cragen's response, left the huddle.

"I'll go get started background checking the nannies." Said Olivia, but not one of them was under any illusions that she wasn't about to follow Fin toward the crib.

* * *

"You think the wife knows more than she's letting on?"

"Don't do that."

"I know we say we'll protect our witnesses but we both know that a lot of times there's still an element of risk. Only from what Cragen is saying the risk element here is incomprehensible. These guys are…."

"I know what you're trying to do Cheekbones and it ain't gonna work."

"I wish you would talk to me." Said Olivia after a few moments, when she had failed to think of a way to refute his accusation.

"I don't wanna talk."

"I get that but….."

"I don't wanna talk about the fact that that's her stuff you're sitting on and she's been camping out here since she moved out of my place. I don't wanna talk about the fact I have woman stuff all over my bathroom and my bed is still covered in stupid throw pillows."

"Damn it."

"What?" asked Fin, startled out of his daze by the blunt expression of loving regret from Olivia. Looking to her he saw she was genuinely moved, her brown eyes kind in their sympathy as she responded at a low murmur.

"You really do love her don't you?" though she had never been the biggest fan of his relationship with Amanda it wasn't until that moment that Olivia realised the true depth of his feelings. She had been earnest in her belief that he would be better off freed from the chains of her demons and the dragging affect their relationship had seemed to have on him. Yet looking at him in that moment, so quiet and broken she wasn't so sure.

"She's got a point….." he shrugged, his hands clasped as he rolled one thumb around the other and maintained a blank face, "….we're not good for each other."

"I won't lie to you and say I didn't think that way when you two first got together, but maybe things aren't always so black and white. Maybe the timing just wasn't right before. She went through hell in Atlanta by all accounts, and you and Melinda were still pretty recently broken up."

"I treated Warner like shit."

"Yeah, yeah you did….." nodded Olivia slowly, knowing that their friendship was at its strongest when they were brutally honest with one another, "…. but you two are good now though, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well there's an unspoken 'but' if ever I heard one….." twisting her lips to a curious, knowing smile Olivia leant forward with her elbows against her knees and wrapped her hands around his, "…..so why don't you tell me what I'm missing here?"

"I let her go."

"Warner?"

"She's college educated, smart, sophisticated. She likes period dramas about people in big old English houses wearing stupid pants. She reads the Times every day and she's got more class and more heart than….." rounding his shoulders and twitching the corners of his mouth with a vulnerability that broke Olivia's heart he added, "… she's a lady and she deserves a gentleman."

"Fin _you_ are a gentleman….." countered Olivia with a quick, dismissive and profoundly affectionate shake of her head, "….but I don't understand I thought you were in love with Rollins?"

"Maybe I'm just too messed up to know what I am."

"Well now that is just crap and you know it."

"Liv if you knew, if you _really _knew what Peach has been through then….."

"Okay so I'm just gonna say this and you can hate me for it or you can…" taking a pause Olivia swallowed slowly and chewed on her cheek before stating, "….but loving someone and being in love with someone are two different things. The same way wanting to be in a relationship with someone and wanting to save someone, wanting someone to not be alone anymore are…."

"You think that's what I was trying to do? Save Peach?"

"I think that she trusted you in a way she's never trusted anyone before. I think she let you in further, let you get closer, let you see a side to her that none of us ever have or probably ever will and that is _incredibly _powerful."

"She's funny too….." chuckled Fin, the tears in his eyes almost unbearable for Olivia to witness, "… she's real funny."

"Fin if it's Amanda then fine, great, I'll back your play…" pinning him with urging eyes Olivia entreated, "….. but if it's Melinda then maybe you should talk to her before she leaves for LA tomorrow?"

"Nah."

"But….."

"Olivia if I can't figure out where the hell I am in all this enough to talk to _you_ about it….." laughing with a bleak desperation but painful self-awareness Fin sighed, "….then I got no business stopping Melinda getting on that plane."

"And you think you're not good enough for her?" laughing softly with a sad shake of her head Olivia ignored his wilful protest and leant forward to draw him into a warm hug.

* * *

"Rollins can I borrow you for five?"

"Yeah, yeah I'll be right there…" tapping a last sentence into the computer at her desk Amanda nodded, "…. give me a second to finish this for Fin?"

"It's all good I can finish it up with John when he gets back….." and then, managing the first genuine smile since their painful separation Fin added, "….if you're lucky we might even save you some fries."

"Well you better!"

"Hey did you see what time Liv left?"

"Oh she got back before you did; she's in interrogation with Amaro."

"They workin' on someone?" asked Fin, nervous that any moment their easy exchange might crack and reveal the million unspoken feelings that kept them both awake at night. "I didn't know we'd brought anyone in?"

"They managed to bring in one of the Yemeni son's on a firearms charge but it's like blood from a stone…" rolling her eyes Rollins gathered the paperwork she knew Cragen was expecting and finished, "….they're in for a long night."

"Hey Peach….." catching the word as he dropped off his tongue Fin flinched slightly and added apologetically, "…. Amanda."

"Yeah?" she asked, with a nervous but warm smile. When the silent pause and his staring at her were becoming too uncomfortable to bear she added with a hint of desperation, "Fin?"

"I….." he began, before forcing a dismissive laugh and pawing the air, "… nah, nah forget it. You better go see Cragen before he comes chasing you."

"Geez it's like the Marie Celeste in here….." returning from lunch with various paper bagged spoils Munch set them down on Fin desk and asked, "….did I miss something? Where'd Scooby and the gang go?"

"Who's Scooby in this analogy?"

"I might've known you two would be sat on your asses doing nothing….." grinned Elliot, having missed Munch in the elevator by seconds, "….how's it going?"

"You smell my Monty's from across town?" chuckled Munch, opening up his bag of treats and offering Elliot a fry. "Life is never dull in sex crimes, but you already know that. It's what keeps you pining for us, isn't it Blue Eyes?"

"They for me?" asked Fin, nodding toward the bouquet of winter blooms in Elliot's hand.

"Course they are, honey." Elliot shot back, and though it pained him Fin enjoyed his increasingly fraternal friendship with him.

"You're so whipped, bro….." teased Fin, diving into his own lunch and adding, "…. but sadly your Mrs is gonna be hauled up in interrogation with her work husband for the foreseeable."

"Work husband?"

"Oh sorry I forgot….." pushing the boundaries of their evolved friendship, and indeed his luck Fin quipped, "… that was only a thing when it was _you _and her."

"I will hurt you Tutuola."

"Mid-afternoon flowers? You do something wrong?" asked Munch, from behind a mouthful of chicken.

"Nah, nah he just wants to get laid tonight….." as Elliot ignored their two man stand up show and poked around on Olivia's desk in search of her day planner Fin noted, "…. I saw Cabot earlier and she was heading off early to pick up Evie and Little Man from preschool."

"I didn't _think_ I was losing my mind….." said Elliot, having unearthed Olivia's schedule from the debris on her desk, "… she's supposed to get off at three today."

"Talk to Cragen. Serious El….." tempered Munch with a friendly smile, "….we're snowed under here and she's in there with Amaro for the long haul unless he says otherwise."

"Tell him I'll tag in if he can find someone to finish returning all these calls to hostile Yemenites."

"Yeah?" tested Elliot, surprised that after all his teasing Fin was seemingly about to save his evening plans.

"Just go talk to the Captain before I change my mind will you?" though his words were hostile Fin flashed a lopsided smile that Elliot took as confirmation that his offer was genuine and headed off toward Cragen's office.

* * *

"Oh snap."

"What?" asked Melinda Warner, draining the contents of her takeout coffee cup and turning to her daughter.

"Due to conflicting schedules Kim and Kanye haven't spent a weekend together in over a month…" her tone dripping with caustic sarcasm and her eyes sparkling with her mother's humour Rachel Warner smirked, "…. and it's putting a strain on their otherwise perfect relationship."

"You're so bad."

"I like to keep abreast of the latest Kardashian headlines….." closing the magazine she had been leafing through Rachel smiled, "…. it reminds me why I'm so grateful to have been raised by a mother not a momager."

"They should be calling us any minute….." loading a packet of M&Ms into the shopping basket on Rachel's arm Melinda asked, "….do you want anything else before we board? This is on me."

"No, no mom…."

"Hush." Slipping a twenty into her daughter's hand Melinda winked as her cell phone flashed alive and began to vibrate from inside her purse.

"If that's him ignore it, he's too late….." and then without hesitation Rachel added firmly, "… seriously."

"No, no it's not Fin, I don't know this number."

"I'll go pay for these."

"Melinda Warner?" the paling on her face was instant as she wrapped her fingers a little tighter around her cell phone. "Yes, yes I…. oh my God …..oh my _God_….."

"Mom?" sensing that it was an inopportune moment to leave Rachel reached for her mother's wrist and held it fast as Melinda's legs buckled from under her and she sank inelegantly to the floor against the candy counter. "Mom!"

"Thank you for….. of course, of course….."

"Mom what the hell is going on?" gasped Rachel, dropping to her knees and taking the phone from Melinda's hand when she saw she was neither able to move nor speak.

"Half an hour ago someone walked into the 16th precinct wearing a vest….." it was as though the words were physically painful for Melinda to speak, and every one caused a wince and finally a retch as she finished, "….and detonated it."

"Jesus Christ!"

"They're calling for all hands on deck….." she continued, closing her eyes and leaning her curls back against the shelf behind, "…. to help….search and…. oh God…..."

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WELCOME THIS DELTA FLIGHT 335 SERVICE NON STOP TO LOS ANGELES."

"Just take a breath Mom, breathe with me….."

"AT THIS TIME WE WOULD LIKE TO INVITE ALL PASSENGERS IN ROWS 30 THROUGH 21 TO COMMENCE BOARDING."

"Mom that's our flight….." said Rachel with a soft urgency, clutching her mother's trembling hand and furrowing her brow, "….what do you want to do?"


	27. Solid Stone Is Just Sand And Water

"We really appreciate you coming down here Dr Warner I know you have other places to be so….."

"No….." countered Melinda quickly, her voice barely audible above the sirens and chaos that surrounded them and yet unwavering in its conviction "…no I do not."

"She's in shock, sir." Said Rachel, still clutching tightly to her mother's hand as around them emergency service personnel moved in ant like tribes and followed barked orders from sporadically stationed superior officers. "Have they…. I mean is anyone….."

"As of right now we're working to secure the perimeter and be absolutely sure that the building is still structurally sound before we send in the second and third wave teams."

"Structurally sound?" asked Melinda, with a ghostly, faraway voice as misty eyes drifted across the broken shell that had once been the 16th precinct. "Look at it…" shaking her head steadily, as if lost in a time and place that would never be again she whispered with a saturnine laugh, "….it's destroyed. Everything is destroyed."

"Mom if you need to sit down a while then….."

"Where do you need me, Lieutenant Garrett?" asked Melinda, as something inside her shifted, a switch flicked and she knew what was required of her despite the utter devastation she felt.

"If you're sure?" he didn't need to ask her twice. "We're putting together two forensics teams. One at the lab and one in the field."

"I'm not leaving them….." and then within half a beat she hastily corrected, "… here, I'm not leaving here. I'll work with the field team."

"What do you need me to do?" asked Rachel, taking Melinda's purse and coat while she switched into a lab coat and gloves. "Can I get you anything? Can I help?"

"Be my eyes and ears?" she asked with a quiet, yet resolute urgency, "I want to know the second they… just find out what you can, okay?

"Okay, okay….." nodding with a determined desire to be her mother's rock where she was so used to it being the other way around Rachel leant forward and kissed her cheek briefly, "… just be safe okay? I love you."

* * *

Peeling her eyes open and gulping hard, dry swallows against a throat filled with dust Olivia felt as if her body had fallen to lead. Turning her head to the side she could vaguely make out the figure of their suspect slumped against the wall opposite showing no signs of life. She couldn't move, only her right arm to scratch at her nose and even it was so trembling she could barely form a fist.

"Liv?" came a voice in reply that wasn't Elliot's. It was then that she remembered herself, where she was and what had happened. It had all been such a deafening rush of noise and blinding lights and then suddenly she was on the floor and the world was falling in around her. "Hey, hey are you alright?"

"Nick, Nick you….." she choked, as he hauled the weight of him from off of her and her lungs were released to take in air again. He had thrown himself on her and shielded her from the flying debris with his body. He had protected her and she had no words to express that she knew how he had not even hesitated before doing so.

"What the hell happened?" falling back against the interrogation room wall Nick suffered terribly for no longer being horizontal and it felt as if someone were squeezing the blood from his brain with an unrelenting grip.

"You're bleeding….." she said with a soft gasp, unbuttoning her white cotton shirt and slipping it off her shoulders before applying it with pressure against the openly gushing wound on Nick's temple, "….do you feel sick? Can you focus your eyes? Can you see me?"

"Yeah, yeah I can….." he breathed, seeing her golden skin turn to gooseflesh as she sat cross legged beside him in only a bra and thin tank top cupping his face with tender, trembling, icy hands, "…. you'll catch cold."

"Don't you worry about me….." she instructed authoritatively, reaching for his hand and placing it over her shirt at his head, "….hold this here while I go fetch help."

"Yes boss."

"Oh so you're not _that _hurt that you can't bust my…" and then suddenly, if the severity of their situation had yet to dawn on her, the realisation that she was unable to open the door brought it home with stomach turning speed, "… shit."

"What?" asked Nick, struggling with a gripping nausea and the intensity of his headache.

"Nick we can't get out….." fighting hard against the door with the full force of her weight Olivia's desperation escalated with the increasing sense of entrapment, "… there's something wedged against this damn door from the outside. I can't budge it. I can't get us out of here!"

"Liv, hey, hey take it easy….." he implored, attempting to get to his feet and then falling back hard against the wall, "….you've had a hell of a shock too. We'll figure this out but just…."

"Nick?" she gulped, as his eyes crossed over one another before rolling back in his head. "Nick! Nick don't do that, don't do this to me….." clambering back across the broken table in the centre of the room she threw herself down beside him and shook lightly at his shoulders, "….open your eyes, stay here with me."

"Ummhmmm….."

"No, no I mean it damn it….." closing her eyes and looking to the heavens she felt herself grow breathless with the realisation that they were trapped alone in the room, and she had absolutely no idea what or who lay in wait for them outside of the blocked doorway, "….talk to me, talk to me about Zara."

"Baby…."

"Yeah, yeah your baby that's right." sliding her feet out from under her she found a more comfortable position and held him against her heaving chest. As she pressed her now crimson stained shirt against his head he could smell her perfume and her fear, and he could feel her heart thundering against his face, "Tell me about what you two got up to in Florida? Talk to me about Zara, Nick. Come on, tell me about your little girl and for God's sake stay with me?"

* * *

"Motherfu…."

"Fin?" came a voice from behind him as a dark figure stirred from the corner of the bull pen, "That you? You with me?"

"Yeah, yeah John I'm with you." Crawling on his stomach, through the scattered pieces of their word Fin squinted blurry eyes against the darkness and searched for his friend. "Your desk went into my gut like a defence tackle from an angry….." as he laughed it felt as though the walls of his insides might start to crumble in the same way the precinct's had, and so he caught his breath and finished, "….nah, nah I'm all good. Where are you? Shout up."

"Here."

"Jesus!"

"No, no it's John…." came a familiar smirk and devil eyed glint through the darkness as Fin reached Munch's side, "….you hit your head?"

"What the hell happened to your eye?" asked Fin, wincing at the deep purple bruise across Munch's upper face.

"It's all good, it's all good I can still see out of it."

"What the hell was that, man?" they were both thinking it but it was only after Fin actually voiced the question that the two men paused to take in the scene around them. Taking several moments to get themselves in a seated position, leaning heavily against fragments of desk and what was once the white board screen they held a stunned slence.

"I can't remember anything past Elliot arriving with flowers for Liv."

"And then that intern came up in with that paperwork for the Cap and next thing….."

"Oh God."

"The intern…" mouthed Fin, as he met Munch's eyes and they both acknowledged the unthinkable, "….the intern was carrying."

"Carrying?" scoffed Munch in disgust, "Carrying my ass. That intern was a walking bomb."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck it John we're just sitting here talking when….."

"Cragen."

"Liv….." they could have reeled off every single name but instead the two men helped each other to their feet and attempted to pick their way cautiously through the rubble at their feet, and the still falling debris from the caving walls and ceiling above and around them.

"Fin do you hear that?"

"Voices…" came a gravelled voice in reply that dared to hope somewhere beyond the billowing smoke there was an escape from this strange new hell.

"I see flashlights….." and with that they began to shout as loudly as their dust covered lungs would allow while clutching at handfuls of each other's clothing and unconsciously refusing to break contact.

* * *

"Oh thank God! Oh _thank God_ you're both alright!"

"The big guy sure had our backs in there I'll give him that."

"Hey, hey why aren't you in California?" asked Fin, removing the oxygen mask from his face as he sat hunched beside Munch on back of an open ambulance.

"Because the sky is falling down." Replied Warner as she leant forward and, careful of their bruises, hugged both men one on each arm.

"We piss of some Yemenites?" asked Munch, though neither Fin nor Warner were quite equipped for his dark humour just yet. Instead they both simply nodded with a weak acknowledgement of the fact.

"You heard anything…" said Fin quietly, having scanned the crowd and seen no signs of his friends, "…. about the others?"

"You're ringing….." said Warner, feeling grateful for the small mercy of distraction until Fin reached for his cell phone and answered croakily.

"Alex, hey, hey…. oh you heard huh…. yeah, yeah I guess I had no signal for a while there….no, no not yet so we're probably gonna…." unable to meet Melinda's gaze as he spoke Fin looked away and managed to stumble, "….we're gonna need you to hang on to the kids for a while yet….. okay, okay yeah course…. you too, talk soon, kiss the babies from me."

"This nightmare is only just beginning….." said John, staring out into the chaos beyond them and at the fallen empire that had once been theirs, "….isn't it?"

"I honestly haven't heard any specifics but we've been working to a ground plan of the building."

"Just say it Mel, just say what you gotta say because….." implored Fin with a gritty determination to keep walking through the rising tide, "….we're in this, we're all in this now and we might as well know the worst of it."

"From what they can tell so far the device was detonated in the Captain's office and the blast caused a capsizing of the internal walls down the corridor of interview rooms."

"What else?"

"As soon as they structurally stabilized the main bullpen they came in for you guys. They've got a second team coming at this from the other side of the building and they're hoping to get Liv and Amaro out of interrogation three via the fire exit on the south side."

"Keep talking..."

* * *

"You're alright, it's just the shock…" rubbing Fin's back as he vomited onto the sidewalk Melinda pulled up the hood of her coat and turned her face away from the biting rain that had started to lash down, "…. but we should get you inside. Both of you, you've been out here over an hour now and you need to get warm and dry and…."

"We're not going anywhere." Said Munch, speaking on behalf of himself and Fin as Melinda nodded acceptingly and didn't argue with him. She had expected no different from either of them.

"Son of a bitch….." muttered Fin to no one in particular as he straightened himself upright and wiped his mouth with a towel the paramedics had handed them.

"Here, here….." reaching into the ambulance and retrieving a bottle of water Melinda handed it to a grateful Fin and ignored the suggestion that she ought to return to her position on the forensic team.

"You know those guys want you with them."

"I'm with you…." she countered quickly, shooting Munch a silencing look as she draped a waterproof sheet around his shoulders, "….now hold that on you."

"We'll be just fine if you want to….."

"I don't, I don't want to. Earlier I did because I needed to do something other than stand around staring and not being able to fathom out what kind of world we're living in. Now I don't becuase I am taking care of you two, whether you like it or not."

"Like I said we're fine..."

"They want me to work a crime scene John and in my head I know that that's what this is. But even though there may have been a crime committed, there might well be a perpetrator and a motive and as a result there is a job to be done but it is Don and it is Nick and it is Amanda and it is Elliot and it is Olivia in there….." and for a moment it was the men's turn to comfort her, as Melinda choked, "….and this is not a crime scene to me."

"Wait, hey, hey guys is that….."

"Olivia!" leaping from the back of the ambulance Fin tossed aside the blankets covering him and ran through the pooling water struggling to find its way into flooding New York drains to throw his arms around his bruised and battered friend. "Are you alright? Hey? Hey, hey Liv talk to me?"

"M'am if I could ask you to make your way to the medical station there are paramedics waiting to give you a full….."

"It's okay, it's fine officer I got her. We got a doctor, we got Doc Warner taking real good care of us….." feeling Olivia's body trembling against him despite the giant NYPD issue jacket she was drowning in Fin held her a little tighter, wincing at a stabbing pain in his gut as he did so, "… come on baby, come on let's go sit. We've got blankets and water, we're sticking together."

"Olivia are you okay?" asked Munch anxiously.

"Yeah, yeah I think so….." she managed finally, when the relief of being in the security of Fin's arms had eased the numbness of shock and the now drizzling rain had seeped life back into her, "…. but Nick he….he….."

"I just spoke with the paramedics who took him and they're gonna call me as soon as there's any change….." arriving right on queue Rachel Warner was proving the voice of calm and cohesion for the bewildered group, moving between the various, "… I hope it's okay that I gave them your cell as next of kin until they contact his family Mom? I didn't know who else to have them call."

"That's fine, that's great thanks I think….."

"Shit, shit I have to call Elliot. He'll have heard by now and be going out of his mind. I didn't have my cell in interrogation it's on my…" taking so quickly none of her friends were able to interrupt Olivia, "….on my desk which is useless now so. Can I borrow yours Melinda?"

"Darling….." never in the entire course of their friendship had Olivia known Dr Warner to address her with such familiarity, and there was something in the medical examiners eyes that caused her heart to drop to her feet.

"Liv we're all here, okay? We're all right here with ya and we've got you…" holding his arm fast around her as Olivia straightened her back and looked between the three of them with increasing panic Fin swallowed, "….but we gotta tell you something."

"He was in the building, Liv. El came to pick you up and….." speaking when neither Fin or Warner could John added with a quiet despondency, "…he was in the building."

"El was….." stumbled Olivia, as though her jaw were wired shut and if it wasn't her entire face would crumble to broken pieces of disbelief and unspeakable terror, "….he's inside."

"He's gonna be just fine….."

"They all are."

"No! No don't you say that!" whispered Olivia at a low husk, the words simply extensions of the pain in her eyes. "You don't know, I don't know, we _can't_ know. Look at it….." turning to the fallen ruins of their former bastion she finally allowed the news to permeate, "…. oh my God…. oh Elliot don't do this to me."

"Detectives? Dr Warner?"

"Just tell us, officer." Implored Melinda, feeling Fin's hand slide into hers.

"I am so _very_ sorry to inform you that there's been a fatality….."


	28. My City Of Ruins

"Badge 9208….." lowering his eyes in a reverent gesture of solidarity to his fellow brothers the officer added quietly, "…. it's Detective Amanda Rollins. I'm so sorry."

"You're sure?" asked Melinda, though she knew there wasn't a chance they would even be having the conversation if they weren't.

"Like I said I…."

"I have to go….." exhaled Olivia, realising that she had been holding her breath for so long she was light headed, "…. hey! Hey, you, ginger boy? Give me that flash light will you?"

"Olivia don't be an idiot!" called Munch, breaking his silence and getting to his feet to draw her back. "That building isn't safe and you damn well know it!"

"Liv please….." with mercy eyes and an imploring tone Melinda glanced down at Fin and then back at Olivia and finished, "….we've lost too much already."

"I'm sorry….." shrugging with a regretful yet determined nod Olivia backed away from them and, armed with her flash light began negotiating her way through the huddled crowds and toward the crumbling precinct.

"Let her go, let her go….." repeated Fin though the words were more of a choke than anything as he lifted his chest to a shallow, hopeless breath and added, "…. it's Elliot. It's Elliot."

"Fin I don't know what to….."

"I don't think….." interposed Fin with an air of disconnect and a strange faraway expression, "…. that I'm okay."

"I don't think that any of us are going to be okay for a very long time."

As Munch spoke Fin and Melinda turned to him, the truth and the weight of his statement silencing all the chaos around them. The world had changed. In the space of a few hours everything they had come to know had been taken away.

"Detective Rollins she…" shaking her curls and attempting to dissuade the rising nausea she felt Melinda attempted to remain focused in the face of catastrophe, "… she has a sister right? Parents in Georgia?"

"Georgia….." murmured Fin, his eyes drifting through the smoke and rubble and imaging a baby girl with corn yellow hair and big eyes of heartbreak blue.

"Fin?" reaching to his forehead and visibly seeing the colour drain from his face Melinda caught him as he slumped forward, contact with her body causing a muted yelp of pain.

"Something ain't right…."

"Oh God!" she gasped, peeling back his rain soaked t-shirt to reveal a massive expanse of red blue blood bruising. "Help! Help we need a med team over here **right** now! We need to get this bus to Mercy right away!"

"I'll go with him."

"Oh we're both going!" gasped Melinda, as the paramedics assessed the extent of Fin's now apparent internal bleed and Munch clambered up into the ambulance to accompany him. "How did I not see this….how did I not look for…."

"Well that isn't going to help anyone….." said Munch with a flat, dismissing of any escalating guilt she may indulge herself, "….so just stop it okay? You're in this too. We're all as lost as each other. Together."

"I'm coming too….." as Fin was loaded onto a stretcher Melinda took a seat beside him and clutched at his cold, clammy hand, "… hey, hey hang in there okay we'll be at the hospital soon and…."

"Nah, nah you gotta stay….." came Fin's distressed protest, "….you can't come."

"Well I….."

"Liv…."

"Fin….."

"Please…. I can't…" struggling to catch his breath Fin clutched at Melinda's hand uncomfortably tightly and pleaded with eyes and words, "…. look after Liv?"

"Okay, okay I'll stay…" bending and kissing his hand she released it, scrambling back toward the ambulance's rear door before turning back and vowing, "…. I'll look after her for you. I promise."

* * *

"Detective?"

"Did you find him?"

"Not your husband…" smiled the kindly mannered, veteran medic who had been attempting to appease Olivia's spiralling panic since she had forced them to allow her back into the precinct to help with the search and rescue effort, "….your Captain."

"Cragen!" she gasped, her face lighting up at the faint glimmer of hope amid the overwhelming and ever-increasing desolation.

"Where is he? Is he okay? Can I go….." pausing mid-sentence she looked between the man she had come to know as Shep and his younger colleague, "….what? What is it?"

"Olivia….."

"Just tell me."

"Don was crushed by the collapse that followed the initial blast. At first we were hopeful that we could free him until we discovered that he had become impaled on a piece of…."

"At _first_ you were hopeful?" looking between the two men Olivia swallowed, ""Wait, but you can still get him out right?"

"The piece of metal penetrated his chest cavity from the left side and lacerated both lungs on entry. It's passed through the wall of his right ventricle…."

"His heart?"

"We've consulted with three exceptional trauma and cardio consultants who agree with our team's assessment that he cannot be moved."

"Okay, okay fine….." nodded Olivia rapidly, blinking back tears and forcing past the trembling in her lips and the clattering of her jaw, "….so we do it here, right? We get this piece of metal out of him and then we can….. "

"We have tried, we tried several times but the unanimous conclusion has been reached that….."

"No, no, no you don't understand….."

"Olivia if we remove the metal piping there will be a _massive _haemorrhage from all of the organs it is currently stemming. He'll exsanguinate within minutes. I know this is impossible to hear but….." reaching for her hand, which Olivia promptly snatched away the doctor swallowed, "….the metal shard is all that's keeping him alive."

"So what? You just give up? Just like that you're done?" she spat, her lips wet with tears and her eyes burning with a raw and vicious hatred for a world that was betraying her over and over. "He is my **Captain**, he is my…" closing her eyes and taking short, shallow gasps she wailed gutturally, "….you have to _do something_, doctor!"

"You have some time."

"Time?" she scoffed, rubbing at her face with dirty hands and smearing dust and desperation across her forehead.

"To say goodbye."

"This can't be….. this isn't real…" laughing with a cut glass, uncharacteristically manic cackle she walked in a circle, holding a hand to her mouth and breathing, "…. this isn't happening."

"He's surviving on shock and adrenaline but it won't last much longer…" tilting his head and imploring her to tie whatever she had left in her together with the resilience he had seen sustain her thus far the doctor spoke empathetically, "… you should go be with him."

* * *

"You took your time."

"It's been one of those days….." managed Olivia weakly, falling down beside Cragen in the dust and debris and reaching for his hand, "…. it's been one of those days Captain."

"I think that maybe I'm in a spot of trouble here Benson."

"Hey, hey I'm Stabler now remember!" she laughed, feeling as though she were bordering on fatal hysteria.

"You'll always be Benson to me."

"We're gonna get you out of this. We are. They're working on a plan. Right now, right now they're working on something. There's just a few….. complications…." her voice catching Olivia flashed a desperate, almost manic smile and held Cragen's hand tighter, "… but we're gonna walk out of here."

"No, no I don't think we are this time. I don't think I'm gonna walk out of this one with you but that's okay."

"No it is **not**okay! Don't you do that, don't you accept defeat. You don't _ever _accept defeat. Not in the entire time I have known you have you given up on anything….." moving closer to him Olivia crossed her legs, leaning in with her back and whispering, "… or anyone."

"I am **so** proud of you Olivia….."

"Captain….."

"Don't be too hard on Elliot. Don't be too soft on him either because he's a pig-headed son of a bitch at times but love him. Love him and love those beautiful children because with the two of you behind them…" soft, watery blue green eyes poured out love beyond imagining as Don Cragen smiled, "…. they're unstoppable."

"Stop it, stop it they're gonna fix this. We're gonna get you out of here. They're gonna figure out a way and….."

"Liv please, please let me talk? I'm asking you to listen to me, to let me say what I want to say."

"I don't want to….." she choked, and though she had fought tears for his sake they flowed freely and unrelentingly now, "…. I don't want to hear it."

"I'm not getting out of this one. I accept that. I didn't have a bad run. Sure I made a lot of mistakes, wasted a lot of chances, and did a lot of things I'm not proud of but I had a good life. It might be a drop in the ocean of everything that is wrong with this world but I made a difference to a few people along the way and that's enough for me. I built a unit that is strong in its convictions, not too proud to admit its weaknesses and a place where people were given second chances. It gave one to me."

"Captain it's all gone, they destroyed it, there's nothing left….." falling forward and sobbing against his cold hand Olivia felt as though the whole world was fading, "….they destroyed everything."

"Not everything."

"I don't….." lifting her head, curtains of hair falling in her eyes Olivia cast a despairing glance around the rubble she sat amid and laughed bitterly, "….I don't understand."

"It's just bricks and mortar, it's just a shell. It isn't who we are, it isn't what we do."

"I….."

"It isn't a building, it it's walls and furniture, it isn't even one set of people at one point in time. It's bigger than that. It's bigger than all of us. It's an idea, it's a conviction, it is a belief that there is no violence, no cruelty, no hatred and no darkness so strong that can't be survived. You know better than anyone that it's about survival. SVU will survive this…" pale faced and gasping Cragen had never been more sure of anything in his life, "…. **you**will survive this Olivia."

"I don't know if I can this time."

"Of course you can."

"Please…" she gulped, her eyes in his, "…. please don't leave me?"

"You do something for me?"

"Anything."

"Put a rope swing in your yard for the kids. I always wanted one and I never had one it's just something that all kids should….."

"We don't have a yard Cap…." almost choking on a laugh, a sob and the realisation that he was saying his goodbyes Olivia shook her head and frowned at him confused.

"You will do though, and it should have a swing in the yard."

"Okay, okay I'll put a swing in the yard….." she nodded, watching the ashen pale of his cheeks fade to a terrifying translucent grey, "… hey, hey Captain? Talk to me?"

"You are the best daughter I never had Olivia."

"No, no you have to fight! Just a little longer while they figure out a…."

"Please…." and it was then that their roles tragically reversed, and her foundation of rock turned to sand slipping through her trembling fingers.

"I….. I ermm….I read about this ice cream parlour in Carmel right on the ocean. It sells all these insane flavours you never even thought of before and I thought we could take the kids when we come visit you in California…"

"That sounds like a great plan….." his voice was softer now, gentle, and as she wept through her words she could feel life ebbing away from him.

"You can make us all jealous with stories of retirement and we'll whine to you about all the stress back here. Maybe we'll even bring Fin along because he'll fit _right_ into small town…." as the grip left his hand she clutched it tighter, holding it against her chest and leaning forward until she was lying on the ground beside him, "…. it'll be….warm…. and we'll….. oh Captain don't…. don't…."

"Mmmmhhh….. Mar…. Marge….."

"You can be with her now."

"Olivia? Olivia? Liv?"

"He…. he died Melinda…. he just….." lifting her head from the ground and turning to her friend Olivia stared with the kind of wide eyed, open mouthed disbelief that only this truest form of tragedy could affect, "….died."

"Liv they found Elliot….." there could not have been a worse time, there could not have been a better time, it was simply the only time for Melinda to nod reassuringly, "… he's alive."


	29. How Far We Are From Mourning

_**Thank you so much for all those who let me know that this didn't show up - I guess something funky happened with the site yesterday. Anyway, without further delay here comes Ch 29! Enjoy!**_

* * *

"Am I dead?"

"Not unless I'm what heaven looks like."

"Humph, that's a no then."

"Thank God….." said Munch, and then just lest his partner be in any doubt of just how truly sincere in his relief he was he repeated, "… no really, thank God."

"I had the worst dream…" croaked Fin, his throat painfully dry until Munch held out a glass of water and he took a sip from its straw, "… some psychopath walked into the 1-6 wearing a bomb and the world all turned to shit."

"I keep waiting to wake up too."

"So she really did die….." deliberately looking away from Munch as he asked Fin murmured, "….she's really gone? Peach?"

"Fin there are some things I need to tell you."

"Liv? She's….."

"No! No she's….." finding a way to phrase explanation so as not to trivialise the utter ruin he knew Olivia to be feeling Munch added delicately, "…. she's not physically hurt. She went back in but Melinda is keeping an eye on her and they're both okay. Warner just called ten minutes ago to say they found Elliot and he's alive."

"He hurt?"

"They didn't say."

"Okay, okay and Nick?" asked Fin, mentally accounting for all of those in their immediate family. "He doing better?"

"Yeah, yeah no lasting damage….." and then again, the words stung so John rounded their edges, "….well, no lasting injuries."

"Good."

"Fin….."

"Wait….." it only took one look, one glance between the two men for Fin to realise the one name he hadn't called and the one answer he didn't want to hear, "….what about Cragen?"

"Cragen he… I guess he and Rollins were right at the source of the….. they found Elliot in the corridor he must already have left the office to find Liv and he was pretty crushed by the collapse of the internal walls by all accounts but mercifully they at least protected him from the…."

"John are you telling me that Don Cragen's dead?"

"Yes, yes that….." slowly removing his glasses and pinching at his eyes with a lightly trembling hand Munch confessed, "….that is what I'm telling you."

"How the hell did this happen? Why the hell….."

"Why does anything happen?" shrugged Munch, struggling the same way they all were with the cruelly and injustice of it all but dealing with it in his own inimitable way. "Was it planned? Were we the target from the start? Did the guy just get out on the wrong side of bed?"

"If they'd just stayed in the bullpen ten minutes longer, if El hadn't come to surprise Liv….."

"You can't play that game, Fin."

"Are you telling me you aren't?"

"It serves no purpose."

"It's not fair."

"If Cragen had called one of us into his office not Rollins. If we'd been in interrogation. If we'd never got the call from a distressed Yemeni mother to say her daughter was missing and she was terrified of her husband and his cronies ….." shrugging helplessly Munch added, "….heck if we'd all just called in sick today."

"We should never have let that bastard through the door….." chewing hard against his cheek and tasting the metallic of blood Fin grizzled, "….that's on us. That's on me."

"Oh and I suppose the security team and all that screening at the door is just for show is it? There isn't a scrap of culpability on whoever didn't send that intern through the metal detector and rigorous screening process that we've walked through every day since that damn pizza box?"

"Whatever."

"You wanna play the what if game? Okay fine, here's one for you. What if Nick Amaro hadn't been the one in interrogation with Benson?"

"I don't follow….."

"I talked to her. He didn't even hesitate before he threw himself on top of her. The only reason she's not in the bed beside you is because he's an idiot for her the same way we all are. The way we all are for each other. You don't get to blame us for what happened to Cragen and Rollins because the only way we get through this is to find whatever tiny, pathetic scrap of good we can find…" lifting a wrinkled hand to Fin's arm and patting it with an awkward but painfully affectionate tenderness Munch nodded, "….and protect each other while the sky falls down."

"Warner?" asked Fin, hearing the phrase that the medical examiner had used earlier echoed by Munch. "She sticking with Liv?"

"Like glue."

"Okay then."

"Ken called. He saw the news and he and Teresa are in the cafeteria….." knowing his friend well enough to suspect he was not ready for visitors Munch smiled, "….so just let me know when you're ready to wake up and I'll go fetch them."

"Thanks…" nodded Fin gratefully, before inhaling slowly and asking, "…hey John?"

"Yeah?"

"We survived."

"Yeah, yeah we did."

* * *

"You go first, Liv! Hey, hey stand back! Let her through people, let her through, step back!"

Propelling Olivia through the throng of emergency services personnel and dazed NYPD works gathered around the collapsed entrance to the 16th precinct Melinda Warner wore her fight face. Pushing aside obstacles with a firm but gentle insistence she applied the same logic to her designated duty of shepherding Olivia through crisis. She couldn't even begin to imagine what her friend was feeling when, after already insurmountable loss, she watched the paramedics rush Elliot out of the wreckage heavily strapped to a stretcher.

"Keep it fast and fluid, fast and fluid don't jolt him!"

"Tighten that neck brace will you Bill? Are those hip straps on full lock? Watch it! Watch it don't hit one of those potholes it's a spinal!"

"I'm sorry m'am but you're gonna have to take a step back while we load the bus we're ona clock, we're on a clock can you….." with a tense smile the young paramedic held out his forearm and blocked Olivia from getting any closer to the ambulance's open back doors.

"You hear him it's a spinal you damn fools! Keep him level! Keep him level!"

"Crew only! I'm sorry guys but you gotta back the hell up and…."

"Olivia? Liv?" called Warner urgently. As she arrived at the ambulance Olivia was in retreat, doing as she was told and backing slowly away from them as they lowered the back ramp and began the loading process. "Hey!"

"Is this it?" came the exhausted, defeated, almost ethereal exhale from Olivia as she stared with the wide eyes of a lost little girl. "Is this what dying feels like?"

"What!" it wasn't a question, not even a rhetorical one, it was a statement of outrage and disbelief from Warner as she witnessed what which she never had before. Olivia Benson in full retreat, waving a white flag of surrender to the world. "No!"

"He is the one thing…. all the pain and the losing people and the…. it never stops…. but somehow I… he is the _one _thing….." shaking her head with an accepting desertion of hope Olivia whispered, "…. that I **will not** survive."

"Olivia look at me? Look at me!" in a rare moment of shrill Melinda grabbed her friend by the shoulders, shaking her with some force and pleading, "Don't do this! Don't you shut down! You _haven't_ lost him! He's in there fighting like hell and he needs you!"

"I..."

"What? Are you just gonna give up? On him? That is _not_ the woman I know. That isn't my friend."

"I haven't I just…."

"I **know** you are in pieces. I know. You're no stranger to loss and all this is hell. You're in hell. It's unbearable, it is. But Olivia that one thing you can't survive? You haven't lost him. He's right there…" it were as if the world had been enshrouded in a thick veil of impenetrable darkness and then suddenly there was a glimmer, a flicker, a tiny speck of light somewhere just within reach, "…. he's right there Liv and he** needs** you."

"Elliot….." waking up from the coma of survival Olivia's eyes were wild once more, darting between Melinda and the ambulance, "… ELLIOT!"

"Go! Go! I'll see you down there!"

"M'am you can't…."

"Oh _yes_ I can!" cried Olivia, lodging her boot against the metal step and dragging herself up into the ambulance.

"Hey, hey!"

"I'm his wife!" she ought to have said it earlier, since for all they knew she was just another face in the crowd. Yet despite their instantly backing down and showing no signs of protest it was cathartic for her to declare, "He's my husband and I'm going with him!"

* * *

"You don't have to hide it from me Mom."

"I know."

"This was your world too, they were your friends….." reaching for her mother's hand Rachel Warner spoke with a soft empathy, "… these people are your family."

"We had plans, Rach."

"I called the airline and cancelled our flights. I've taken care of everything. It's all sorted."

"I don't just mean that ….." it was only then that Rachel truly understood what Melinda was implying, and that it might be more than their flights she was contemplating cancelling, "….but thank you."

"Mom you don't have to think about all that now. We have time. We have as much time as you need and we can call LAPD and I can call San Diego and….."

"Olivia's a mess."

"Well after what everyone has been through today it's….."

"She hasn't even begun to feel this….." with a grim voice of foreboding Melinda acknowledged that which no one else was ready or able to yet, "… none of them have."

"Yeah….." nodded Rachel steadily, realising that no matter how had she tried she would never understand the loss that her mother and her friends were facing.

"We should get down to Mercy. Fin and Nick are awake and….." distracted from her line of thought by a lonely figure lurking a few meters away Melinda furrowed her brow and turned to Rachel puzzled, "….how long has she been stood there?"

"No idea….." shrugged Rachel, before sighing sadly, "… this place is full of lost souls tonight." And after the two of them had shared a poignant glance Melinda reached for her hand and gave it a firm squeeze.

"Hey, hi…" smiling warmly Melinda tilted her head and asked, "….are you okay there?"

"Fine, fine thanks….." came the quick nod in reply from the blonde with visibly defensive body language, "….this was Special Victims right? 16th precinct NYPD?"

"Are you looking for someone, darling?" looking between her daughter and the slightly dazed looking girl Melinda gently coaxed, "Because there are lists going round and they're setting up a helpline as soon as they can so…."

"No, no I was just passing and saw smoke….."

"Look we should probably get going. You should too….." encouraged Rachel, watching the stranger's pale blue eyes in the moonlight and feeling suddenly, just for a moment, as though she had forgotten everything she ever knew, "….this rain is awful."

"Hey, I'm from Seattle…" came a light, popcorn cracking laugh as the blonde flashed a smile and joked, "… this isn't rain."

"Get home safe…." patting the blonde's shoulder Melinda took her daughter's arm and lead her off toward the car, as Rachel turned back to steal a last glance at the enchanting stranger.

* * *

"Hi."

"Hey….." breathed Fin, opening drowsy eyes on seeing Olivia quietly enter his hospital room.

"Hi….. " she repeated, closing her eyes as fresh hot tears slid down dirty cheeks and her shoulders rounded to a defeated hunch. Still wearing the bloodied, dust covered tank top she had started the day in Olivia tugged the cardigan Rachel Warner had loaned her closed around it and folded her arms across her waist.

"You look like hell."

"Shut up!" she gasped, rolling teary eyes and shaking her head wearily.

"El?" wondering why on earth she was there with him and not with her husband Fin waited as she wandered barefoot across the room and came to stand beside him.

"He's in surgery…" she explained with a feeble sigh, "… they pretty much filed an order to stop me going in with him."

"We had a bad day, cheekbones..." stated Fin, his dark eyes loaded with all the emotion he was too locked up inside himself to show even to her, "….you hanging in there?"

"I…. I'm…" shrugging uncertainly she choked, "…. I don't know."

"Me neither."

"They fixed you though, right?" she asked, suddenly mortified she hadn't clarified the fact.

"They stopped the bleeding." He replied, saying all that he needed to. He understood her devastation and she had known he would. There were no bandages, no physical treatments that could fix what the night had broken in them.

"Cragen he….."

"I know."

"They're gone. Him and Amanda they….." feeling his hand grab hers and squeeze tight she swallowed, "….they're just gone."

"Munch has gone to see Nick."

"He's doing better?" and when Fin nodded to the affirmative she replied exhaustedly, "Well that's something I guess."

"Yeah, yeah it's something."

"I didn't mean it like that….."

"Hey, hey get in here….." dragging lightly at her arm and nodding down at the space on the bed beside him Fin encouraged, "…. that wasn't a request Liv."

"I told them I was here. They're gonna come find me as soon as he's out of surgery."

"Okay….." murmured Fin, scooting himself sideways and making a space for her in the nook of his arm, "….we'll just wait then."

"Okay." She replied, snuggling her back into the security and familiarity of his bear like frame while attempting to avoid putting any pressure on his abdomen.

"You remember the last time we spooned?"

"I want that on record by the way….." she smiled, turning sideways and pressing a kiss against the forearm her cheek lay on, "…. Odafin Tutuola is a serial spooner."

"You showed up on my doorstep at like 4am after I'd pulled doubles all week and I was in no mood to listen to you whine about Stabler and your woman troubles so I just dragged your ass back to bed with me."

"Woman troubles?" came a quiet, yet audibly indignant voice. "Wasn't I like eight and a half months pregnant?"

"Humph."

"Fin don't think I don't know you're dying inside too….." after a brief, much needed respite the crushing devastation came flooding back and reached her hands to the arm around her waist and held it, "….. we always talk about me but I'm here."

"Yeah well just don't you ever go anywhere…" it was easier somehow, to hold her but not face her as he confessed the biggest truth in his life, "…. that I sure as hell couldn't survive."

"I can't feel anything, it's all…" wrinkling her nose and hiccoughing through tears she whispered, "… I'm just numb."

"Baby you're better off that way….." kissing her hair he curled both arms around her waist and closed his eyes, holding on to her for dear life, "….. we both are."

"Tighter..." she whispered, closing her eyes and feeling him grant her request and hug her as close as his injuries would allow.

* * *

"Hey, hey….."

Reaching across the crisp white sheet that pinned him tightly to his hospital bed Elliot felt life begin to creep back into him as his fingertips settled upon a familiar mane of soft coffee waves. Stroking them tenderly he continued to whisper with a hoarse croak in his voice.

"Hey….." bending his fingers slightly he patted gently at her sleeping head and managed a slightly louder murmur, "….hey sleepyhead?"

"Mmmhmmmm…." twisting her face into the mattress Olivia let out a muted little yelp as the crick in her neck reminded her that she had accidentally fallen asleep several hours later

"How are you still so gorgeous all gross and dirty?" stroking rough hands across her tear stained face Elliot smudged away a smear of mascara with his thumb and flashed her a boyish smile, "You okay? You hurt? How you doing?"

"Hey, that's my line….." she choked, kissing at his hand and closing her eyes and exhaled with a relief that soaked deep into her bones.

"Kids?"

"Yours are waiting for a green light to visit. Ours are with Alex."

"Liv? Hey, hey….." his voice was still a low gravel and his eyes a little dozy from the pain meds but still he pressed, "….eyes please?"

"Sorry…." she whispered, dutifully fixing him with a teary brown gaze.

"I'm not going anywhere….." he vowed, and then because it would have been ludicrous in the light of the day's events not to he added a heartfelt caveat, "… at least not while I've still got fight left in me. We're stuck like glue."


	30. In The Wake Of Devastation

"And what's this one little darling?"

"Issa bunny."

"Clever girl! Do you know what colour he is as well?"

"He's blue…." nodded Eve with a polite, obliging smile that did little to hide from Melinda her disappointment that it wasn't Olivia reading with her, "…. Linda where's Momma?"

"She's just packing some things for your Daddy and taking a shower but soon be…." then, realising that Olivia had been in the bathroom for several storybooks now Melinda pinched Eve's cheek between her fore and middle fingers and smiled warmly, "… you know what, treasure? I think I'm gonna go find out how long she's gonna be. Can you stay here and look after your brother for me a minute?"

"Olivia?" she called, as Eve set out to help Sam construct his wooden train track. "Olivia? Did you want me to get the kids something to eat? What time are we….."

"There're some animal cookies in the cupboard if Evie's fussing."

"Am I okay to come in?" seeing that the bathroom door was slightly ajar Melinda wrapped on it lightly with her knuckles and waited for a response. When none of protest came she opened it slowly and felt her heart clench at what she found. "Oh Liv….."

"I just need a minute." Said Olivia, sat leaning against the bath in her towel. Her wet hair was dripping down her back and shoulders and her eye makeup had painted black tear rivers down her cheeks. "Just give me a minute."

"Okay, okay sure….." came the slow, patient nod in reply as Melinda's eyes locked on the tumbler in Olivia's trembling right hand, "….of course."

"I have El's things packed and I called Joan Walker….."

"Cragen's sister?" swallowed Melinda, her brown eyes still glued to the generous measure in Olivia's glass.

"She's meeting her husband in San Francisco and then flying out tomorrow. She's in pieces so I told her I'd take care of things and make the….." sliding her jaw from side to side Olivia took a moment, pressing her lips against the cold of her glass and allowing the clear medicinal liquid inside to numb the sting of her final words, "….funeral arrangements."

"Olivia….."

"I spoke with Kim Rollins and they want her home. Her family want Amanda buried in Georgia. I don't know how long it's going to take before they'll release the body….." without looking at her friend Olivia gave a dark little laugh and shrugged, "…. well I guess that's your area. Maybe you can shed some light?"

"Liv you don't have to do all this, at least not by yourself. God knows you've got enough on with Elliot in the hospital and two toddlers to…."

"He can't feel his legs Melinda."

"What?" she asked, and watching Olivia finish her glass and then reach behind the laundry basket beside her and retrieve a flask bottle of vodka to refresh it with Melinda felt her heart fall another floor.

"He's lying to me."

"Okay I was gonna let it go because I can't even imagine what you're going through but you don't get to do this….." stepping forward and kneeling down beside her friend Melinda reached out and, without allowing time for resistance, removed the bottle and glass from Olivia's hands, "… you don't get to do _this_ darling."

"He thinks I don't know. I sat there last night as he looked me in the eye and told me he could feel my hand on his thigh but he's a liar. The surgery was supposed to decompress the spinal nerves that got trapped by the half a freakin' wall that landed on him but it didn't work. The surgeon knows it, he knows it, I know it….." lifting one shoulder and then allowing it to fall as she shivered in her wet towel Olivia swallowed, "…. but he's lying to me because he thinks I can't handle the truth."

"Is he wrong?"

"I'm fine."

"You don't drink spirits Olivia."

"Do you have a point or do you just enjoy making sweeping statements with a patronizing tone?" spat Olivia, hauling herself up from the bathmat and twisting her dripping hair around her forefinger.

"Vodka….." said Melinda, relying on the old adage that when rock bottom has been hit the only single consolation is that there is nowhere further to fall she added with a knowing poignancy and heartbroken eyes, "….it was your mother's drink."

"What do you think is going to happen next Melinda?"

"I…"

"Shall I tell you? Shall I enlighten you as to the truly _wonderful_ sequence of events that is about to unfold?" laughing bitterly Olivia took the remainder of the vodka from Melinda's hand and poured it down the bathroom basin as her friend watched on.

"Olivia I know you're in agony…"

"Elliot's waiting for us we should get going. Can you grab the kids a snack for the car while I get dressed?"

"Of course, of course absolutely."

"Melinda?"

"Yeah?"

"I got out of line before I apologise….." nodding slowly Olivia confessed, "…. I am so glad that you're here."

* * *

"I wish you'd say something."

"I don't got nothing to say, son."

"What happens in situations like this?" asked Ken, rolling his empty paper coffee cup from one set of fingers to the other and struggling through the thick smog of silence filling his father's hospital room. "Like are they gonna go after them? The guys behind it?"

"Dunno….." lied Fin, finding it easier to plead ignorance than find the energy to form whole sentences, "… I dunno."

"I met Melinda Warner's daughter just now. She's really great."

"Rachel?"

"She's headed back over to the precinct to pick up all the personal items the recovery team found. They might have found your watch….." tossing his cup into the trash Ken felt himself losing patience with a mute Fin, "…. at least I hope so because I know it was your father's."

"Don't mean nothin' to me."

"Look I understand that this is you dealing with what happened. Believe me when I say I get that it's easier to swallow it all down than talk about it but….." shrugging the shoulders of his suede jacket Ken sighed, "… but our family doesn't exactly have a history of that working out so well, so…."

"What'd you want me to say?" asked Fin, still under observation for another day at least given the extent of the internal bleeding the hospital had uncovered. He wasn't in any pain anymore but strangely he almost wished he was. The constant gnawing at his gut was easier to manage with meds than the tearing at his heart for which there was no cure. "Tell me and I'll say it."

"I don't want you to…."

"Nah, nah please son let me know what it is you need to hear to make _you _feel better."

"You don't have to pretend you're not cut in half….." said Ken, shrugging matter-of-factly while fixing his father with a knowing stare, "…. just because you and Amanda weren't together anymore."

"Shut up."

"What is it Dad? You feel like you don't have a right to be as messed up about this as everyone else is?"

"What the hell do you want from me Ken?" yelled Fin, surprising himself by how little energy he still had. "Tears? You want me to cry? Don't be a jackass."

"I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry I just….."

"No I'm sorry…" sighed Fin, closing his eyes and rubbing his face exasperatedly, "….I'm the one that's sorry."

"You want me to go? Give you some space?"

"No."

"Okay."

"It's the Feds' case now….." dragging himself a little further up the bed Fin reached around for the grapes Ken had brought with him and, popping on in his mouth, threw them at his son, "… they're calling what they did a terrorist attack. That's Federal."

"What you don't think so? You don't believe it was terrorism?"

"It was pretty fucking terrifying….." replied Fin, not entirely sure what he thought or believed anymore, "….that much I know for damn sure."

"Mom says anything you need….."

"Thank her for me."

"She asked when the funeral was….." chewing slowly on a grape Ken ventured tentatively, "….she liked Amanda. She thought we'd send flowers from the family."

"They're taking her home."

"Home?"

"I talked to Liv and the Rollins family want to bury 'their girl' in the South….."

"I guess that's the right thing."

"It would be if she hadn't stopped being 'their girl' twenty two years ago."

"Huh?" puzzled Ken, offering up the grapes to his father only to have him refuse with an enigmatic shrug of dismissal.

"Nothing, forget it."

* * *

"Hi, hi can I just get a vodka lime and lemonade please?"

"Coming right up? You want another Bud there, sweetheart?"

"Thanks."

"Hey…" sinking her brow into a curious furrow Rachel watched the familiar faced blonde accept her beer and asked, "… do we know each other?"

"Nope….." sliding immaculately fitting jeans down from her barstool and bending to retrieve a brown satchel bag from the floor under the bar the girl reached back for her drink and accidentally caught Rachel's eye, "… no we don't."

"You were outside the precinct? Special Victims?" tested Rachel, recalling now where she had seen those eyes before. "I was with my mother."

"Sorry but you got the wrong girl, honey."

"Have I?" asked Rachel, pushing a little harder against the obvious barriers her new acquaintance was so desperate to throw up. "You not from Seattle then?"

"What are you a lawyer or something?" came a lazy, half mouthed smile as the blonde took a sip of her beer and proffered a reluctant smile. "This the prosecution's cross?"

"Not a chance! I work with absolutes. Science is my game….." quieting a tiny smile of delight as the blonde hesitantly sat back down beside her at the bar Rachel dared, "…so what brings you to New York?"

"You sure do ask a lot of questions dontcha?" thin, wispy bangs of a shoulder length cut teased at her eyes as she cast a azure glance of uncertainty at Rachel. "What you doing in a Cop bar anyhow?"

"There were some personal items that needed collecting from CSU and I don't think any of my mother's friends will be coming back here for a while so I volunteered….." came the honest answer as Rachel took a needy gulp from her drink, "… and then afterward I needed a drink."

"Gotcha."

"Dare I ask the same of you or would that be considered another unwanted question?"

"I guess I needed a drink too."

"Well, anyway, you seem like you have a lot on your plate and I should get back to the hospital so…" paying her way and reaching to the stool beside her for her coat Rachel smiled with a unconscious disappointment, "…. it was nice to meet you…. again….."

"Georgia….." catching Rachel quite off guard the blonde extended a beer chilled hand and shook hers firmly.

"Goodnight."

"Hey?"

"Yeah?"

"You want another in there?" tilting her head and making a rational, logical, considered judgement of the situation Rachel shook her head and decided she had been too long already and Melinda needed her at the hospital.

"I really shouldn't."

"Sure, sure no worries."

"But….." biting at her lip Rachel twisted a button on her coat and, gambling on a distinct uncertainty smiled, "….maybe just one more couldn't hurt."

* * *

"God how long was I out?"

"I don't know….." opening his eyes Elliot felt his equilibrium settle to find Olivia still sat beside him, resting her chin on a sleeping Eve's head as she lay against her chest, "….but you look better. You feel better?"

"Yeah, yeah I feel great."

"Elliot….."

"Where's my little man?" attempting to sit up against the pillows Elliot gave a few moments of struggle before giving in and sinking back down into them.

"You want help?" pinning one arm across Eve's back Olivia leant forward and went to help.

"No, no it's fine don't wake her up…" he said, meeting her eyes, "….we can get some time that way."

"Sam's right over there by the way. He's sleeping too. I fed them and changed him while you were out….." reaching for his hand she managed a smile, but it was so exhausted and pained it broke his heart, "….so you have my undivided attention."

"How're you doing, Liv?" he asked, bringing her hand to his face and kissing it with deep concern. "Really though? Talk to me?"

"How am I doing?" she half laughed, half cried. Swallowing hard against the tears and shaking her head, entirely unable to even begin answering his question. "You know Melinda has been _great_ I don't know what I'd have done without her support so…."

"It's not permanent…" said Elliot with a quiet, determined delivery and a decision that never throughout the entire course of their relationship had they ever found strength in keeping things from one another, "….my legs."

"Oh so you're telling me about that now, are you?"

"You knew, you've known as long as I have….." he sighed, all the apology she needed pouring from those blue eyes she adored, "…. and I knew that. God I'm just scared to death that you've got the whole world on your shoulders babe."

"It's heavy….." holding his hand a little tighter she buried her face in Eve's hair and choked an acknowledging sob, "…it's really heavy."

"What can I do? Tell me what I can do?" searching her face and imploring her to unload something, anything, onto him Elliot shook his head, "How can I help?"

"I don't know?" she shrugged, because there was nothing. As much as she loved him so very deeply for wanting to try the truth was he had no power to undo the unspeakable tragedy that had befallen them. No one did.

"There room down there for her?" asked Elliot, gesturing over to the mattress the nurse's had brought for Sam to sleep on. "Can you tell her brother to scoot over?"

"Yeah, yeah I can do that…." nodded Olivia, and suspecting he might need her assistance in a personal or medical matter she quickly obliged, "… give me a sec."

"Sure."

"Hey, hey Evie, hey baby girl it's okay, shhhhh….." stroking at Eve's hair as she lay her down beside Sam, a mother felt her heart contract to see the way two siblings instinctively curled in to one another, "….that's my sweet girl."

As Eve tumbled a paw like arm around her brother and drew him in like a doll Olivia waited a moment just in case, for some unlikely reason, her son might protest. As ever he didn't, and instead just nuzzled Eve for a few moments before returning to a deep contented slumber.

"They good?"

"Yeah they're fine…" sniffing staunchly Olivia turned wearily back to the bed and saw Elliot had pulled his sheet's back and scooted over to one side, flashing a smile of relief she quipped "….oh is that right?"

"Yeah, yeah it is…" patting the mattress beside him Elliot gestured beckoningly with a dip of his head and instructed, "….get over here."

"God I've missed this…" falling into his chest and inhaling deeply Olivia closed her eyes and drank him in, "…. are you sure this is okay? You're not in any pain?"

"Nah, nah the _one _benefit of a spiral nerve injury is that….."

"Elliot!" she cried with a muted horror, "It's not a joke!"

"I know that…" he replied, hugging her into him and murmuring a kiss against hair he was sure smelled of his own shampoo Elliot sighed, "….no you're right it isn't even remotely fucking funny."

"I keep trying to tell myself that we're lucky. That for **us** it could've been so much worse, but it doesn't work. Rollins is still dead and Fin is still broken and the Captain….. I should've let him go, Elliot. If I had he'd be sat in some oceanfront café in Carmel on Sea right now instead of waiting in morgue for us to bury him….." though she fought hard against tears Elliot could hear in her voice she was crying bitterly inside, "…. I won't ever get to talk to him again. None of us will."

"What if you could? What if…"

"You gonna convene with the other side John Edward?"

"If Cragen where here right now what would he tell you?"

"I don't know."

"You wanna know what I think he'd say?" waiting for a moment until she lifted her head and looked up at him Elliot met her eyes, loving her with his and answering, "I think he'd tell you that you just gotta take one day at a time. Just one day at a time."

"El kiss me….."

"Okay…." he smiled leaning down and planting a warm, tender peck.

"No, no kiss me like we're not here. Kiss me like the 1-6 isn't rubble and no one is dead and it's not all ugly and painful. Kiss me like we're just us again, we're just married and none of this ever happened….." and for those moments they became all that mattered. His mouth on hers with the whole world melting away around them brought her absolution, reassurance that though everything else had changed their love had not.

* * *

"So did you always want to be a forensic scientist?"

"Yeah, yeah definitely, I mean right from kindergarten I just had this feeling that it was what I was born to do. You know?"

"Oh ha ha you're _hilarious_..." rolling her eyes Georgia peeled the label from her beer bottle and huffed, "….screw you!"

"Okay, okay I'm sorry…" laughed Rachel softly, pushing the ice around her glass with her straw and wondering how the enigmatic blonde would evade yet another question, "….how about you? Did you always see yourself in the police?"

"No, no it was kinda something that just happened."

"What gave you the idea? College?"

"I guess I learned that it was kinda….." perhaps it was the beer buzz, or the strange familiarity in Rachel Warner's eyes but either way Georgia felt herself relax slightly, "… in the family, or something. Maybe. Anyway enough careers talk, what about music? You look like an opera kinda gal?"

"I do?"

"Tell me I'm wrong."

"My mom took me a few times….." confessed Rachel, remember the hours of torture Melinda had put her through in a bid for her not to turn out like her father, "… I think she was determined to make me cultured but honestly I'd have rather gone to a Wilson Phillips concert so….."

"Wilson Phillips? Seriously?" grimaced Georgia, her eyes sparkling with a teasing distain. "No really, tell me you're kidding me?"

"Why? Is this where you tell me you're into all these underground, super cool and modern bands I'm going to be too 'mainstream' to have heard of?"

"How old are you grandma!" and then in what was becoming a casual rhythm of defence and surrender Georgia shrugged, "Honestly? I'd take Emmylou and Loretta over anything super cool and modern any day."

"A country girl from Seattle, huh?" nodded Rachel, feeling as though now the stitch had dropped Georgia was a thread constantly unravelling. "So what _are_ you doing so far from home anyway?"

"I'm not even sure I know anymore."

"Anymore?"

"I guess I was looking for something."

"Isn't everyone in this city?"

"So I know that you're probably not allowed to say anything because I'm sure it's all confidential but….." taking a moment, finishing off her beer and steeling up the courage to continue Georgia asked quietly, "…. if I asked after someone?"

"So you _were_ looking for someone that night? After the explosion?"

"Maybe."

"Look….."

"I tried asking like you said. The people with clipboards, right? Only they wouldn't tell me anything…" a flicker of something passed over Georgia's eyes and it caught Rachel's breath, "…. because I'm not family."

"Whose family?" asked Rachel, struggling to fit the pieces together and decipher the stranger's inscrutable code.

"Does your mom know a Detective Rollins?"

"Amanda Rollins, yeah, yeah she worked with her….." replied Rachel with a twisting in her stomach and a desire not to continue down the path they were not set on walking.

"Only I guess she's like, I dunno, a friend of the family or something and I was just in the city anyways and…" with a convincing shrug of indifference Georgia casually added, "….well I mean I honestly don't even know the woman but I was wondering whether you knew how she was doing after what happened or….."

"I really shouldn't…" but whether it was the liquor thinning her blood or the way the line of Georgia's collar bone made it quicken Rachel swallowed, "….you didn't hear it from me, okay?"

"Sure, sure whatever."

"Detective Rollins….." watching light olive skin glowing in the dim bar Georgia noticed Rachel's face fall as she pushed back a curtain of tight black curls and dark brown eyes looked up to meet her gaze, "….well she was killed in the explosion."

"She what?"

"I shouldn't have said anything I….."

"I have to go….." tossing a twenty down on the table Georgia grabbed her black leather jacket and clambered fumblingly out of the booth, "…. I'm sorry but I have to go."

* * *

"I wish you were here."

"Me too."

"I better go though, babe…" pinning the phone between her cheek and shoulder Olivia reached behind the cereals for a concealed bottle of Stoli and added a generous measure to her tonic glass, "…. I promised Evie we'd have a proper bathtime tonight and she'd had a lot of promises fall through these past few days."

"I love you, Liv."

"Love you too, night."

"Ready Momma?" asked a hopeful Eve, proudly presenting her unclothed self in her bedroom doorway clutching Sam's hand as he tugged at the sticky tabs on his diaper. "We got nakey!"

"I'm ready sweet girl, but don't let your brother take that diaper off before I've got the water cooled down…" rolling her eyes tiredly Olivia took a long gulp from her drink and then headed across the living room with a determined smile, "….remember what happened last time?"

"He pee-peed on my jammies…" recalled Eve, tugging her brothers chubby little fingers away from his waist and bear tackling him into the wall, "….no Sammy! Be a good boy!"

"E-vee!" came the explosion of noise from Sam as his tolerance for Eve's boisterousness expired and he pushed her away from him and onto the floor with one effortless shove. Both Olivia and Eve were taken quite aback by the calm force and cool power of the little boy who, though he often chose not to, was more than capable of fighting his corner.

"Oh…." rounding her mouth in and out of a startled 'o' the elder of her children looked to Olivia as if waiting for direction on how she ought to react, "….oh Sammy!"

"Okay you were both part of that…" said Olivia with a calm scolding in her voice as she set down her drink and helped Eve to her feet and then held the kids an arm's length apart, "….and I don't want to see any more pushing and shoving okay? Now what do you both say?"

"Sorry Sammy."

"E-vee."

"Mama that's my name…." noted Eve, and realising that she had not been mistaken in her initial interpretation of her son's earlier outburst Olivia nodded with a smile.

"Yeah, yeah it is baby girl and I think your brother just said his first word….." though it broke her heart that Elliot hadn't been there to share in the moment it was the first time she had truly felt joy since the darkness had set its grip on their lives, "….didn't you big boy?"

"We can have boy bubbles tonight Sammy….." offered Eve, in what Olivia knew was a big gesture in her little world, "…because you said my name."

"You know what I think that's a great idea…" hoisting Eve into the tub Olivia waited until she was settled before removing Sam's diaper and tickling his belly with a bright smile, "….you want your Thomas bubbles tonight clever boy?"

"Thomas the Tank….." making a little tune out of the words Eve splashed around in the water, encouraging the bubbles as Olivia dispensed a generous dollop of blue liquid, "….and his big red friend James."

"Are you singing, Evie baby?" wrapping her hands around Sam's tubby little torso Olivia lifted him in and sat him down on the friction of the bathmat for balance, watching to make sure he was stable in the water just covering his doughy thighs.

"Sammy splash! Splash Sammy!"

"Keep the water in the tub guys!" warned Olivia, taking up her usual perch on the laundry basket beside the sink and reaching for her drink as the children amused themselves with silly games.


	31. When You Float Like A Cannonball

"_When she was first born she was the ugliest little thing. I know I'm not supposed to say that. You're not supposed to say that you're kids are anything but completely gorgeous from the moment they're born but man was she a little alien!"_

"_Well I did read in a magazine once that most of the stunning celebrities were kind of goofy as kids. So you better watch out because Zara's already turning into a real little heartbreaker and it's only gonna get worse Dad."_

"_Yeah, yeah she is….." nodded Nick, and feeling his body relax in a weak collapse against her Olivia held him tighter in her arms. _

"_Come on Nick, don't do this, you were doing so good…" pinning him against her chest she held him fast, moving her sitting position so that she was leaning against the wall and could better support him, "….don't give up on me now. I won't let you. I won't allow it. What about Florida? What did the two of you get up too down there? Did you go to the parks? The beach?"_

"_Olivia you're the best woman I know, you're the best person I know so if I don't…."_

"_Oh no, no no, you don't do that, don't start down that road….." her hand was covered in his blood as she fisted a handful of her once white shirt and removed it from the wound on his head that had seemingly begun to clot, "….there you go, see? The bleeding's stopped. We're doing okay."_

"_You talk for a while I'm tired ….." came a roguish smile that at least reassured her he was still fully coherent, "…..were you an ugly baby?"_

"_I don't know!" she laughed, not quite sure what to say in response as she tipped her head back and rested it against the interrogation room wall. _

"_You must've been….." said Nick, causing her to look back down at him curiously as deep, dark brown eyes stared up at her with a glint in them she had never seen before, "….to turn out the way you have."_

"_What a sweaty, bloody, dirty mess?" she scoffed, rolling her eyes and reaching up a hand to rake clammy hair back from her face with a filthy hand. "Oh I'm a regular oil painting."_

"_You're beautiful….."_

"_Nick…." with a nervy, dismissive laugh she ignored the comment and, seeing his head was bleeding again, reached forward to retrieve her makeshift compress._

"_Liv….." he murmured, his eyes struggling to hold focus as the world faded in and out of a strange fluorescent neon and black. _

"_Look I don't know what the hell is going on out there but we could wait forever for them to find us. I'm gonna try get that door open or at least make some noise….." beginning to slide out from under him and find a position in which to prop him temporarily Olivia was cut off in her attempt by an icy hand grabbing at her forearm. _

"_Liv I'm cold….." and she could hear in his voice that his teeth were clattering against one another, "….. don't leave me."_

"_Okay, okay I won't….." she murmured, an ominous feeling creeping into her gut as she watched a translucent whiteness wash over his otherwise tan complexion, "….. I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay right here." As she slid back down onto the floor with a bump of harsh reality she shifted him a little more upright, and slid an arm around him for support. _

"_Tell Zara….."_

"_Nick? Nick?" she urged, lifting his head up against her chest and patting at his face with increasing horror. "Nick!"_

"_I don't….it's you…I'm glad….. Liv….." _

"_Glad about what? What's me?" she asked with hushed cries of panic as she hauled his torso into a semi vertical position and stroked at his blood stained face with a desperate, crying smile, "Nick keep talking! Keep talking to me!" _

"_I think….." as she pressed her cheek against his and murmured rallying words of encouragement into his ear Nick gave up on attempts at speech, and inclined his face to hers. Settling cold lips against her warm, dewy cheek and kissing all the shades of joy and love she represented. _

"_Nick….." she swallowed, closing her eyes as his affection blurred with the confused reality she found herself in and she pulled away slightly, "….what are you….."_

"_Liv….." clutched tightly against her warm bosom and lost in the heady combination of shock and the way her skin smelled Nick found a last grasp of strength and, tensing his body, he locked her lips on his and kissed her desperately, urgently, as though she might be the last taste of life he would know. _

"_Nick stop, stop, Nick!"_

"Nick!"

"Sorry, sorry I was…" physically shaking himself Nick turned back to the trauma therapist opposite him and smiled politely, "…. I'm sorry I drifted off somewhere. Did you ask something?"

"I was just wondering whether you were sleeping any better since we last talked?"

"Two days ago?" biting his tongue for being so insolent in the face of someone just doing their job Nick smiled apologetically, "No, no not really. I guess it's just part of the deal. It's fine. I'm fine. I really just want to get back to work I don't care which unit it's in."

"I know you do but as we both know that isn't going to happen until…."

"Until I've worked through my issues?"

"Until I sign you off as fit for duty….." patient, empathetic, but not a sufferer of fools the therapist crossed her legs and proffered a pinched, red lipped smile, "… a process which is only going to be exacerbated by your charming sarcasm and continued reluctance to work _with _me and not against me."

"With due respect my wife served multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. That was traumatic. What happened to me was just a psycho wearing a vest."

"What happened to you was a profound loss, _is_ a profound loss. Whether you admit it or not a stranger walked into your world and turned it upside down. You lost your stability, your gravity, more than that you lost a close friend and a trusted mentor. You suffered a trauma Nick."

"Okay fine."

"The harder you fight against accepting how deeply this is affecting you the harder it is going to be for you to deal with it."

"I'm not fighting…" but it seemed ridiculous to claim that which he couldn't even deny to himself and so instead he sighed frustrated, "…. I don't know if I can ask this but am I the only one having to do this? Have the other detectives got to sit through mandated therapy?"

"Sit through?" once more highlighting the route of her frustration the therapist removed her glasses and exhaled heavily. "Look, here's the thing, Detective Amaro: this isn't mandatory. You don't have to be here, no one is forcing you to talk to me. You can walk out of here and deal with this or not deal with this in whatever way you see fit but…."

"Then…."

"But not if you want to return to active duty…" drilling straight to the heart of the matter the redhead added, "…. not if you want to go back to work."

"I don't want to I just…" every muscle in his body tense, and the veins in his neck raised Nick's jaw clenched, "….it's what I can do. It's what I **can **do."

"You feel helpless?"

"No, no I don't feel helpless! My wife was blown to pieces in a desert and then died in some town in Germany that I can't even pronounce. I lost a year of my daughter's life in some selfish blur of grief and oxycodone. Meanwhile she fell in love with a woman I was too blind to see was falling in love with me. She was the best thing that had happened to both of us in a _very_ long time and I took her for granted. She was a parent to my daughter when I was barely even managing to be a man and don't think I even ever really thanked her."

"This woman you're talking about?"

"I don't know if I was in love with her or the idea of her but she was good. She was _good _in ways that not one single one of us ever really appreciated. Sure she was needy and erratic and made bad choices but she knew that. She was more aware of her faults than anyone I know, and more than that she would admit them and do what she could to work on them. That's the kind of person I should've fought to keep in my daughter's life. That's the sort of person who should survive something like this. So when you ask do I feel helpless?"

"Nick….."

"It should've been me."

"It almost was and it is perfectly normal to feel like…."

"I thought it was all over. I know they talk about people who come close. Get one foot out the door. You think it's a crock but it isn't because I was there. It happened to me. In my head I was imagining all the moments of Zara's life I wouldn't be there for and confessing all the things a person does when they think they're about to…" lowering his eyes and sinking slouched into the worn black leather chair he sat in Nick covered his face, ashamed, and murmured inaudibly, "….doing the things they never _would_ have if….."

"Pardon? I missed that last bit?"

"Nothing, nothing I…" moving his hand and meeting the therapist's eyes Nick quietly accepted the necessary, "….. Monday you say? For our next session?"

* * *

"Forget it, forget this crap it isn't working."

"You ready for a break?"

"I'm ready for my damn legs to work again!" yelled Elliot, swiping the plastic water jug and cups from his bedside table and dropping his head into his hands as they crashed loudly to the floor. "These dumbass exercises aren't doing a fucking thing!"

"It's a process, babe….." said Olivia with a quiet, almost too calm compose, "….this isn't going to happen overnight. The doctor said we'd need to be patient."

"It's easy to be patient when you walk out of here at the end of the day."

"Okay, okay…" exhaling steadily Olivia patted his thigh, backing away and reaching for her purse, "… how about we both take five."

"Liv? Hey? Olivia?" leaning out of his bed almost too far Elliot grabbed at the hem of her jacket and tugged her back. "I'm sorry, come back? Don't be mad?"

"I'm not mad I'm just tired….." she sighed, wandering back to the bed and kissing him gently, "… and think we're done here for today."

"You gonna bring the kids in later?" holding her hands and swaying them gently left and right he smiled, "I asked the nurses to bring extra pudding cups with my dinner. They love those."

"The little weirdos….." laughed Olivia weakly.

"Bring them in and I can read to them and hang out and try give you a break….." reaching up and stroking her grey washed face Elliot noted the heavy set purple shadows under her eyes and added concernedly, "… you look like you could do with one."

"Elliot I need to talk to you about Cragen's funeral…" while she had his undivided attention and he was a shade less angry than he so often was these days she continued, "….we've set a date for next Tuesday."

"Okay."

"I spoke with your doctors….."

"Nah, nah I don't think…."

"I need you there."

"Liv…." he mumbled, closing his eyes and shaking his head at the inconceivable enormity of making that kind of venture back into the world when he still needed assistance to use the bathroom, "…. I dunno."

"Elliot I _know_ you're a mess. I know you are. I know the rehab is torture for you and it is a long, long road ahead….." laughing grimly she confessed, "… you know Evie came home from daycare yesterday and presented me with her Santa list because of course it's Christmas next month. I don't know how I forgot that but I did."

"I know how you forgot it."

"I am **here** for you. You can scream and shout and hit me and get mad as hell. Whatever it takes to get you walking again I don't care, I can take it. I can handle it. I got your back, partner but…."

"And I've got yours…." nodded Elliot yieldingly, reaching out and dragging her down so he could wrap his arms tight around her, "…. I'll talk to the nurses and work out how we get me there."

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me….." he countered quickly, cursing himself for having momentarily forgotten how even the strongest woman he had ever known was not invincible, "…. I'm just ashamed I hesitated."

"It's not gonna be fun for you….." she murmured, sliding out of his arms just far enough to take a perch on the edge of the bed beside him.

"It's a funeral Liv it's not fun for anyone."

"You know what I mean. We've not gotten you further than the end of the corridor and even that takes it out of you…" however difficult his bouts of frustrated anger may be, seeing him suddenly as a patient again Olivia stroked at his temple and smiled, "… it's a _big _ask to drag you across the city for a whole day."

"I can do it. I'll be fine. I'll have my Weetos and a triple shot and we'll just….." rubbing the small of her back in a way that somehow made her feel, just for a little while, as though everything would be alright he shrugged, "….we'll figure it out. The way we always do."

"You hate Weetos you goofball."

"Do me a favour, babe?" he asked, his blue eyes searching her face with grave concern.

"What?"

"Take yourself somewhere. Go shop or eat cake or do whatever it is you women do to feel better. You've got a good three hours before you gotta get the kids so call Alex or Melinda or someone and….." with a smiling nod of encouragement he added, "…. just do whatever you want for the afternoon."

"I want to stay here with you."

"Nah you don't, I'm a grouchy son of a bitch who's treating you like crap….." and they both laughed because though it was true they both knew his behaviour held no malice, "…. see? You can't even deny it."

"Oh no, no I know you're an asshole. I don't pretend otherwise….." closing her eyes and leaning over she pressed a lingering kiss against his impish smile and felt his lips instantly react to her, "…. but I love you anyway."

"Look babe I know you too well to seriously think you're gonna take an afternoon off but….." with deep frustration that he was bed bound and helpless Elliot sighed, "… just promise me that you're looking after yourself okay?"

"I probably should swing by and check in on Fin. See that he's doing okay back at home."

"Liv…."

"Fine, fine, okay I'll….." struggling to think of something to appease him she blurted laughingly, "….buy myself a cupcake on the way over or something!"

"Tell the guys I'll be there on Tuesday, okay?"

"I will do that….." she smiled with a grateful pride, "… but we can talk about logistics later. I'll be back around six."

"Yeah?"

"Are you kidding me? My life wouldn't be worth living if Evie got wind of me denying her a pudding fix."

"You going home first?"

"Maybe, why?"

"It's not a big deal, it's not important but…."

"What'd you want?" smiled Olivia, reaching for her cell to make a reminder note to herself.

"What's that book that Sammy and I always read? The one about the girlie bull."

"Ferdinand is _not_ girlie, don't you dare tell our kids that. He's just smart and knows that…."

"That and hoodie….." he interjected, before they resurrected an old fight.

"Any preference on which?"

"One you've worn….." and as he looked at her with that look, that look that had started everything, she wondered how she would ever have the strength to leave, "…. I miss you."

"I'll only be gone a few hours!"

"Not what I meant….." and as his hand slid up the back of her shirt and stroked at the warm skin of her back his twisted lip smile implied his true meaning.

"Ferdinand the Bull and a sweater I've worn, got it….." cutting him off she slid off the bed, kissed him farewell twice and added, "….love you, see you later."

* * *

"Sometimes I forget."

"Forget?"

"This morning I took the trash out and…."

"You shouldn't be taking the trash out it's too soon after surgery."

"I gots to talking to one of the girls down the hall and we were laughing and joking about the screamers in 253 and I forgot. I forgot that the precinct is a dust and Peach is dead and we're burying Cragen next week. Is that sick?"

"No, no it's not."

"Anyways, how you doing cheekbones? You're quiet?"

"Am I?" laughed Olivia with a faraway expression. "Sorry."

"Don't apologise I just….."

"I don't know when Elliot will walk again…" and then finally looking up and catching his eyes Olivia added grimly, "….. I don't know **if** he'll walk again."

"How's he doing with that?"

"He's fine, he's good. I mean he's angry and frustrated but he's hopeful. I think. I don't know. He's doing his best to help with the kids and make sure I'm doing okay but…."

"And are you?" asked Fin doubtfully, "Doing okay?"

"Are you?" hitting the ball back across the court was the only answer Fin needed. None of them were doing okay. It was all just a matter of degrees.

"Can I talk to you about something?"

"You don't have to ask me that."

"Can I talk to you about Peach?"

"Fin….." she scoffed, shaking her head in disbelief that he would ever doubt her answer, "… shut up and open that for me." She could open her own beer but she handed the bottle over to him anyway.

"I don't want them to take her back down to Atlanta….." he confessed, lifting a little of the weight that had been sitting on his chest since he had discovered the Rollins family's intention, "… .it ain't her home, Liv."

"They're her family though….." shrugged Olivia, taking a slow sip of her beer and holding it in her mouth a moment before swallowing, "….it's their choice, it's their decision."

"Yeah well maybe it shouldn't be. Maybe her whole damn life shouldn't be their decision. Maybe it ain't what she would've chosen, maybe if she'd got to decide then…."

"Fin I might be way off base here but….." running a tongue along her bottom lip Olivia forced herself to pause a moment, read her friend's face and wait for signs of protest before adding, "….is there something else going on? Only I can't help but feel like isn't really about the funeral."

"I made a promise. I swore I wouldn't tell. She didn't want anyone to know and I respected that and I never would've breathed a word if…."

"If she hadn't died?" said Olivia, because she knew he couldn't.

"I can't let them have her. I can't. I can't let them rewrite history just because she's not here to stop it. There is no way in hell she'd want to be buried there. No way in hell she'd want them all standing over acting like they didn't break her heart."

"Who broke her heart? Her family? I know her sister had some issues but they seemed pretty…."

"Not her sister."

"Her parents?" asked Olivia softly, setting down her drink and reaching a hand to Fin's knee. "Look I know you made her a promise but I can't help you if I don't know what you're talking about. If you want to fight this, if you want to keep her in New York then I'll help you. You know I will. I just think I might need to know why?"

"They took her baby away."

"Baby?" breathed Olivia, as once more the ground beneath her shifted. "Rollins had a kid?"

"For all of five seconds, yeah. She was thirteen. They sent her away to her aunt's house until it was born and then they took it off her and put it up for adoption….." lifting heavy eyes to Olivia's he murmured, "…. she never even got to hold her."

"It was a girl?"

"She named her though…" explained Fin, remembering the perfect anguish in Amanda's face as she'd told him her story, "…. Georgia."

"Wow."

"Yeah, yeah pretty much."

"I had no idea."

"No one did it was a closed adoption. No one ever had any idea that somewhere up in Seattle there was a tiny little piece of messed up kid in Georgia whose life would never be the same."

"I can't believe she carried that kind of secret with her all these years."

"She'd made peace with it. As well as anyone ever done I guess. The kid got a good home, two parents, and a life Peach could never have given her. She knew it made sense. She knew the adoptive parents could do more for the baby than a terrified teenager could."

"It might have made all the sense in the world on paper but…..." freely admitting that she couldn't even begin to comprehend giving away a child, especially since becoming a mother herself Olivia asked softly, "…. did she _want_ to give her child away?"

"She didn't have a choice Liv…" seeing in the tear clouded gaze looking back at her just how deeply Fin had loved Amanda, despite everything, Olivia felt her own eyes fill, "…no one ever asked her. What she wanted didn't even come into it."

"Fin they're her parents, they're her next of kin, they have rights….." shaking her head sadly Olivia whispered, "…. I don't think we can fight them on this. I don't think there's any way we can stop them taking her home to be buried."

"I let her down, Liv."

"No, no you did not and don't you dare….."

"I might not have meant to. It was all so messed up from the start. We kinda just fell into….whatever we were but….."

"Fin there is _no part _of you that should feel any kind of guilt for….."

"I need to do this for her. She got let down _so many _times in her life and…" looking to his friend, tortured by grief and a lifetime of failures and disappointing people Fin asked, "….will you help me?"

"Yeah, yeah of course I will…" hugging him close Olivia rested her chin on his shoulder and, staring out over the ever deepening precipice before her murmured, "…..of course I will."

* * *

"I tried to call ahead but your cell kept going to answer machine so….."

"I'm screening….." explained Olivia, her words lightly slurred and her panda eyes puffy and red rimmed, "….sorry."

"Is it okay that I just drop by? I don't want to wake the little ones or…." though her words spoke of a willingness to leave there was a strident resolution in Alex Cabot's steeling eyed demeanour that betrayed absolutely no intention of doing so, "….but just for a few minutes maybe?"

"Come on in….." came the indifferent shrug as Olivia held the door open and ushered Alex in, "….you want a drink?"

"Sure, sure water would be great but I'll get it." Grabbing a tumbler from those freshly washed on the draining board Alex helped herself to a drink while watching Olivia slope back to the sofa. With very little hair still contained in a messy high ponytail, odd socks and a hoodie that were clearly Elliot's, and old plaid pyjama bottoms she was a long way from the groomed detective Alex was used to seeing. "So how are you?"

"Damn I wish people would stop asking me that….." sighed Olivia with bitter frustration, before taking a sip of what Alex astutely observed was unlikely to be water she softened, "….sorry. I'm not the best company tonight."

"I got the message about Tuesday. It looks like being a huge turnout. I'm coming with Casey and Liz. Do you want us to meet you at the crematorium or I can take the kids if it helps?"

"They're not going."

"Oh, oh no of course, gosh what a stupid thing to…." taking a moment Alex composed herself and rearranged her face into a tranquil smile and continued, "….are they going to day-care as normal? Or do you need someone to sit for them?"

"No and nope, they'll be with me….." explained Olivia with a flat, succinct delivery and gulp from her glass, "….. I'm not going to the funeral."

"Really? Only I spoke to Elliot yesterday and he was talking about….."

"Yeah, yeah he was but now he isn't. He's not going either. We're not going. It's too much for him he's not ready."

"He's not or you aren't?"

"You want ice in there? I hate lukewarm drinks."

"No, no it's fine honestly I….." faltering to a mid-sentence stall Alex watched as Olivia, with little attempts at discretion, wandered into the kitchen and poured herself a generous measure of vodka and a delicate splash of tonic, "….. Liv you don't drink spirits."

"No, no so people keep telling me."

"I…. ermm….." finding herself uncharacteristically lost for words Alex wrapped her hands around her glass and breathed shallow, anxious breaths, "…. so Munch was telling me that 1PP is mandating counselling for you all, how's that going?"

"I don't know….." replied Olivia with a vacuous expression and apathetic shrug, "…did you ask him?"

"What I meant was how is it going for you? Is it helping at all?"

"I'm not seeing a shrink."

"They're not making you?"

"It's only mandatory if you want signing off as fit for duty….." with a glassy, disconnected smile Olivia rounded her shoulders "… and I don't."

"Well obviously not yet but…."

"Look I know you mean well Alex and I appreciate all you're doing to help but I'm fine. I've got everything under control. I'm supporting El through his rehab, I planned Cragen's funeral, and I'm helping Fin fight to keep Amanda Rollins' body in New York. It's fine, everything is fine, I am _fine_ so just….."

"Are you though?"

"Excuse me?"

"Liv…"

"Don't do that; don't patronize me I'm not a child."

"I just think that you're making a mistake not going to the funeral and that it might really help to talk to someone or…. "

"Do you? Do you really?"

"Yeah, yeah I do and I also think that there are better ways of dealing with this than…."

"Oh how interesting well thank you, thank you your opinion is duly noted."

"I'm sorry that didn't come out the way I meant I just see you drinking and shutting down and I'm worried that ….."

"I'm not drinking on the quiet or pretending that none of this is affecting me. This is _very much_ affecting me. I am devastated…." and then with a haunting behind her eyes that chilled Alex's blood Olivia rasped, "… I am **devastated** and I make no secret of that. I am under no illusions as to _just_ now broken I am."

"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, please don't think I'm not on your side I just….."

"I am drinking my mother's ruin and I am very aware of that fact. It isn't ideal but you know what that's life. Life which, in case you hadn't noticed, is _very_ far from ideal right now. It is brutal and it is ugly and it is taking just about _everything_ I have got to keep my head above water but I am doing the _best _I can…" pointing a trembling, accusatory finger at Alex there came a final, soul cutting instruction from a visibly crumbling Olivia, "… so you need to back the **hell** off Alex."

"What can I do? Tell me what I can do to help and I swear I'll just shut up and do it?"

"Leave."

"I…."

"Get out….." spat Olivia, swallowing hard against the bitter sting of vodka and tears and adding at a hiss, "….you heard, get out. Just get out and leave me alone."


	32. Going Down With The Devil's Thunder

"You're tuchus comfortable under that cushion?"

"I feel like a beached sea rhino."

"Hippopotamus."

"Huh?" twisting his face, confused, Fin looked over at his self-nominated nurse maid and puzzled, "What?"

"Well, technically hippopotamus means water _horse_ but given you were just making up a mammal it's a step in the right direction." Explained Melinda Warner who, he noted, was wearing her hair up. She had a long neck. Not so long as to be freakish but just elegant, revealing. He imagined kissing it. He was heavily medicated, he decided.

"Ain't no such thing as a sea rhino, huh? You sure?"

"Fairly positive yes. I've been grocery shopping; you have supplies. Fresh, organic supplies that have all at some point seen some kind of tree or animal or had some form of contact with nature. Anything out of packet is banned for the time being."

"Mac and Cheese?"

"Sure, sure you can make that with fresh pasta and some of the cheese I got from the….."

"Easy Mac?" tested Fin, more because it was fun than anything else.

"You're mocking me. I'm being mocked. That's delightful."

"Melinda? Hey, hey…" grabbing at her forearm as she went to move away he slid his grip to her wrist, remembering how surprisingly petite it was and how it fit perfectly in his palm, "….thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Nah, nah I mean it. For everything. You should be in LA right now. You should be living the California dream with Rachel not stuck here with me."

"I'm not stuck anywhere. There are flights to Los Angeles leaving all the time I'm just choosing not to be on any of them. I am actively choosing to be here so don't you waste energy feeling unnecessary guilt."

"Yes Dr Warner."

"You're hell as a patient, you do realise that don't you?"

"That the door?"

"Is that you asking me to answer the door?" she shot back, reminding him just how capable she was to match his sharp shots blow for explosive blow. "Sit tight, I'll be back."

"Fin there's someone here that….."

"I'm so sorry to bother you I know it's late."

"It's not that late." Said Fin, his eyes moving from the Converse sneakers at the blonde's feet to the strangely familiar presence in her ice blue eyes. "What's up? Who are you?"

"My name is…" tucking tiny hands into the back pockets of pale wash jeans the young woman hesitated a moment, before looking up and diving in, "….. my name is Georgia, sir."

"Hey, hey I ain't no sir…" and then as dawn broke all over Fin's face Melinda watched him attempted to get up from his carefully arranged seat and gasp, "….wait. Wait who are you? What are you?"

"Fin!" startled Melinda, taking him at literal meaning on his last question. "You can't ask the poor girl that!"

"I have no idea what I'm doing here or if I should even have come I just….."

"It's okay darling, are you a friend of Ken's?" asked Melinda, attempting to pick her way through the tall grass. "Do you know Detective Tutuola from work?"

"Nah, nah this is personal….." said Fin, his heart falling ten storeys as suddenly he saw Amanda staring back at him in Georgia's eyes, "…. you're here about Peach."

"Who?"

"Amanda."

"Yes, sir…. I mean…" turning her head sideways and allowing a curtain of ash blonde bangs to fall against her lightly tanned face Georgia swallowed, "…. not _about _her exactly, I don't know about her, I don't know _anything _about her…. I just got curious and…. got on a plane…. and then I arrived here and….."

"Okay I think I might have missed a chapter of this particular book?" said Melinda, not entirely sure she was allowed to pry, but seeing no reason not to being as though she was quite literally stood in the centre of the unfolding scenario. "Do you two know each other?"

"You're her, aren't you?" his face folded into a million different expressions before, finally, Fin's tired eyes smiled along with a Cheshire wide grin, "You're Peach's kid?"

"I think I might be" said Georgia, feeling as though she might crawl out of her own skin at any moment. Then, finding the truest comfort she had ever known in the kindness of Fin's chocolate brown eyes she relaxed her shoulders and let herself fall free into the unknown. "In fact I know I am. I've seen proof. I'm Amanda Rollins' biological daughter."

* * *

"Olivia? Hey it's me….." knocking gently on the apartment door Alex realised it was open and pushed her way quietly inside, "….you know you really should bolt your door when you're home alone with the….."

"Take them."

"Oh Liv…" murmured Alex, closing her eyes, too horrified to look back down at the floor without steeling herself against what she had seen there.

"Please, please just take them….." came a voice from the carpet, as Olivia lay like a starfish with a toddler under each wing, "….don't make a scene, don't ask questions now. I don't want them seeing me like this."

"Olivia did something happen? I got your message. You sounded…..." still wearing her coat Alex set her purse down on the couch and knelt down beside her friend, stroking at Sam's half sleeping cheek and responding to Eve's dozy eyed greeting, "….you need to talk to me. You need to fill me in here because I'm scared to death that the wheels are coming off, darling."

"Yeah."

"Can I speak to Elliot?" having already considered, multiple times, going to him without her permission she had thought better of it. Olivia was slow to trust and quick to bruise when it came to those within her closest circle and such a betrayal would only have catalysed her spiralling situation. "Please? Let me talk to him? Let me tell him that you're losing a grip on things here?"

"No."

"Liv….."

"If Amanda Rollins' parents and sister want her brought home to Georgia for her funeral there isn't anything I can do to stop that is there?"

"Wait, what…" removing her coat and taking Eve into her lap for cuddles Alex puzzled, "… why don't you want her to be buried back home?"

"I couldn't give a damn."

"So…."

"Fin….." sighed Olivia, hauling herself to a semi seated position but instantly regretting as the feeling of rushing water filled her head, "…. he…. oh I don't know."

"I mean I don't know them and I don't know how open to finding a middle ground Fin is but…."

"Yeah, no, I don't think he's gonna want to negotiate on this one."

"I'm missing something aren't I?" said Alex, though she wasn't really asking the question. She knew better than to expect Olivia to break a confidence, especially Fin's. So instead she got up from the floor, brushed down her jeans and sighed, "Look I'm gonna stay here tonight instead of taking these two home with me."

"No, no I….."

"That wasn't me asking your opinion sweetheart…" looking down at Olivia and fixing her with her best courtroom stare Alex added firmly, "….nor your permission. I was just notifying you of my decision."

"Huh…" protested Olivia, her numb haze fading into a carpet ridden slumber, "… and what if I don't want you here?"

"Then as your friend I would tell you that these kids need to be in their own home, in their own beds and what you want really isn't my biggest concern right now."

"I just wish it was a week ago."

"I know."

"Alex everything is different now. Nothing will ever be like it was, that night changed everything….." staring up at Alex with empty, faraway eyes of despondence Olivia murmured, "….everything."

"And I suppose what you need to decide is what you're going to do about that. What you're doing to do with what's left. How you're doing to move forward in this new world."

"I don't know."

"Cragen isn't coming back, darling. That much we know. Amanda, she's gone too. It is cruel and heart breaking and you're right, we won't ever be the same because of it." Realising that if she didn't say it then she never would Alex swallowed slowly and dared to step where angel's would have been fearful, "But I gotta tell you Olivia that this is not you. You're better than this."

"Am I?"

"Yes, yes you are. You are better than lying on the floor too wasted to take care of the kids you waited your whole life to have. You're better than being the noisy, frightening, fallen down drunk that makes her daughter see things she is too young to handle. There is a man in a hospital bed on the other side of this city that adores you and he is calling you and getting no response, and he's working his ass off at rehab so he can go to that funeral with you on Tuesday. You have no _right _to destroy yourself Olivia because he needs you, your kids need you. If Don Cragen could see you now quite frankly he'd be ashamed…" in too deep to turn back now Alex took hold of the children's hands and finished with a quiet but determined whisper, "….because you are _better _than this."

* * *

"Is this one big enough for the salad?"

"You know he hasn't said a word to me since I told him who I am. I thought he seemed pleased I came at first but now…."

"He still is it's just an adjustment is all….." insisted Rachel, surprised but delighted at the new connection she had to the blonde stranger she had convinced herself she'd never see again, "…. the bowl? Is it big enough?"

"Kinda depends how much salad you wanna make….." poking through the brown grocery bags Georgia threw a sideways smile across the kitchen, "….there's enough greenery in here to open a farmer's market."

"I think my mom is trying to wean Fin off of fast food and ready meals."

"I shouldn't be here."

"Don't start that again."

"You know what I mean though, right?"

"I know you're not super comfortable but trust me when I say _nothing _since that explosion at SVU has been comfortable."

"So I don't know if it's cool for me to ask this….." as Rachel caught the lettuce tossed in her direction she noted how the shrewd blonde lacked no chutzpah, "…. but are they, like, a thing? Fin and your mom?"

"No, no they're just friends."

"Oh, right….." nodded Georgia with a brief, tentative smile that both respected this strange new land she found herself in but remained unconvinced by Rachel's reply, "…. I guess I read that wrong."

"You like tomatoes?" asked Rachel, leaning over from the other side of the counter and rummaging for the rest of the salad elements. "Bell peppers?"

"Sure….." came a vague, noncommittal response as Georgia's attention was captured by the caramel cleavage and crimson bra Rachel's loose fitting blouse exposed as she reached for the tomatoes, "… sure it's your salad. Whatever you guys all eat."

"I know this is all really weird for you. I mean I assume it must be. I'm rambling but….." hesitating Rachel, attempted to interpret the sudden quiet in the otherwise chatty blonde. "…..I mean you travelled across the country expecting one thing and instead you something totally different. You got this."

"Trust me I had pretty low expectations coming into this….."

"You did?" though her parents may since have separated and her childhood had not been without its flaws Rachel's life had been fairly conventional. There was no part of her that could imagine the confusion Georgia must have been feeling in that moment.

"Amanda Rollins gave me up for adoption over twenty years ago and made it pretty clear she never wanted any contact with me….." as she diced a pepper Rachel suspected Georgia was speaking from behind a very deliberately constructed wall as she shrugged casually, "….it's not like I came here thinking she'd be waiting for me with open arms. I didn't imagine she'd be all that happy to see me."

"Yeah but you didn't imagine she'd be dead either….." perhaps it was the scientist in her, or perhaps it was that she felt as though she'd known the blonde forever but something emboldened Rachel around Georgia and she flushed embarrassed because of it, "… oh God! I can't believe I said that out loud!"

"Hey I'm all for calling a spade a spade….." laughed Georgia, releasing the tension in the room and enjoying seeing the brunette's smile return, "….. and I'm not about to pretend this isn't one of the more surreal evenings of my life."

"I think we're all a little out of our depth right now. One minute my mom and I waiting for a flight to California and next we're…" pursing lightly closed lips Rachel exhaled speechlessly, "….well, let's just say you're not the only one whose world got turned upside down."

"Did you know them? Detective Rollins? Captain Cragen?"

"I didn't know Amanda, no. Cragen was always just kind of there. Mom would talk about him at the dinner table and he came round a couple of times for parties and stuff. He was a sweet guy. Great at his job but in himself a little awkward. He always seemed kind of lost, lonely I guess."

"Lost and lonely….." sighed Georgia sadly, "… that is _no way _to die."

"It's no way to live either….." added Rachel as, lifting her head up from her chopping, Georgia stared a little too long and caught a glimmer of painful insecurity in an outwardly confident woman.

"No, no it isn't."

"Well, anyways I think the lasagne's nearly heated through and we're nearly done here."

"Yup, peppers going in….." breezed Georgia, scooping up her efforts and tossing them into the large bowl between them, "….there anything we've forgotten?"

"I don't think so. Oh wait…" hosting a long, green length from the last brown bag Rachel brandished it at the blonde, "….how'd you feel about cucumber?"

"Honestly?" holding a beat, and Rachel's eyes, the younger of the two women felt as though her whole body might combust as she confessed, "Not a fan."

* * *

"Hi."

"Liv? What the…" wincing against the thin stream of dawn coming in through his hospital room blinds Elliot lifted a hand to shield his eyes and see the clock, "….. what time is it?"

"Around six."

"In the morning?"

"I didn't sleep."

"How are you here? I thought they didn't let you in until…" still struggling to fit together the puzzle pieces of his present reality Elliot took a sip of water before paling in panic, "….wait are you okay? Are the kids okay?"

"They're fine! They're with Alex. She stayed over last night."

"And you? You doing okay?" she clearly was not. Half wearing her pyjamas under her coat and still sporting yesterday's makeup she looked awful, in a way he had never seen her look truly awful before.

"No, no I think…" shaking her head slowly left, then right, and then lowering it ashamed she exhaled, "….in fact I know; that I am not okay."

"Talk to me?"

"I can't sleep El. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I feel nauseous the whole entire time and I'm drinking. You need to know that. I need to be very open with you about the fact….." and trusting him in a way she had never trusted anyone in her life, not even herself Olivia squared him dead in the eye and confessed, "…. vodka and a lot of it."

"Okay."

"I scared Evie last night. I was drunk and she was frightened. That can't ever happen again."

"Agreed."

"I know you're thinking a hell of a lot more than you're talking right now so whatever it is that you have to say to me just say it. I can take it. I need to hear it. I need you to kick my ass and tell me that this is selfish and irresponsible and unacceptable so just say it…" bracing herself for his anger, his wrath and his condemnation she nodded determinedly, "….whatever is in your head right now just say it."

"I love you."

"What?"

"You heard."

"But I don't think you heard _me_ El. I just told you that I'm a mess. That I've been looking after our kids drunk and I terrified our daughter last night so….."

"Yeah, yeah okay so you're a mess but you're not a drunk."

"Yes, yes I….."

"Look I'm not saying that I like hearing any of this or that I'm not worried about you because I am, of course I am. You're grieving and you've got too much going on for any person to handle and you're drowning. You're drowning but you're not a drunk."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I know you….." he smiled, blue eyes casting hope into her darkness as he stroked at her cheek with the back of his palm "…. so well it'd scare ya."

"Yeah?"

"If I was hearing from other people they'd caught you drinking on the quiet? If you were lying to me and sneaking out to bars with strangers? Only you're not. You're sat here telling me that you're worried you're drinking too much and you don't like how it's already affecting our kids. That's not the MO of a drunk…" he sighed, almost apologetically, "… just a hot mess who needs her husband to step up a gear."

"But Elliot I've been drinking vodka at home and….."

"Which is a really, really terrible idea and you need to not do that anymore but you think it's any coincidence you picked vodka as your poison?"

"The drink that killed my mother?" asked Olivia grimly, realising that which she hadn't before. He was right. She had consciously chosen the one drink she hated above all others and the one she was least likely to let destroy her the way it had her mother. "El what if I don't have it in me to get us through this? What if I can't do everything that needs to get done? What if I'm not strong enough to….."

"Stop it okay? Just stop that right now. You wanna see pissed? You want me to call you out on behaviour that's unacceptable then I will. You don't get to shut me out. You don't get to decide this is all on you because it isn't. You** do not** get to hide how fucked up you are from me because my legs might be out of action but the rest of me sure as hell isn't…" throwing his arms in the air and throwing the weight of his shoulder's into a physical gesture that highlighted his point with painful poignancy Elliot yelled mutedly, "….where do you get off acting like we stopped being equal partners? Who the hell are you to decide we're not a team anymore Liv?"

"I'm scared to death Elliot!" she cried, losing her last finger of grip and giving him every bit of her in a perfectly exquisite gasp of sobbing brokenness. "I just keep losing people!"

"Come here, hey, hey com here….." helping her clamber up into the bed with him he held her tightly, almost uncomfortably so, and gutturally murmured, "…. I know, okay? I know you're scared. I know you've lost more people than anyone should ever have to. I know the places you go in that head of yours. I know it's dark but it doesn't scare me. What scares me is losing _you_ Liv."

"Losing _me_?" she whispered, the words stifled. She was seeing things through his eyes now.

"I can feel you pulling away. I can feel it. I don't know whether you think it's easier that way but….." clutching her face against he allowed himself to truly feel the aftershocks of the precinct explosion for the first time and, through tears, he choked, "…. you don't get to bail on me. I know it's gonna be hell. For a long time yet this is all just gonna hurt like a motherfucker. I'm gonna be the grouchy son of a bitch who yells at his wife because he doesn't feel like a man and you're gonna be the filthy liar who tells everyone she's fine but chugs vodka on the sly and scares the crap out of her kid."

"No, no I'm not. That's done. I'm done. I am not going to be my mother to Evie….." vowed Olivia before, somewhere in the blackness, finding a spark of light, "….or to you."

"I called the girls last night and they're gonna help Alex take shifts with the kids."

"El….."

"You wanna argue with the cripple who pees in a bag?"

"You're not a cripple don't say that!"

"Olivia there is no way in hell that you're not going to Don Cragen's funeral. I don't care what you say or how hard you fight me on this one. I will get up out of this bed and carry you there if I have to."

"Oh really?" she challenged, as they rediscovered their equipoise.

"I'm not kidding, Liv."

"I don't doubt it."

"You have to be there, you want to be there, you need to be there. You know I'm right. You don't go and you regret it for the rest of your life and I won't let that happen. Mostly because I'm stuck with you for the rest of your life….." adoring her, in new ways he couldn't even have conceived of until that moment he smiled softly, "…. and I'd miss that smile."

"Okay I guess I'll think about it….."

"Nah, nah you won't. I don't often do this but this isn't up for debate. I'm using my veto power and telling you that you're going, we're going….." ending what had never really been a discussion Elliot nodded, "….okay?"

"You're veto power?"

"Yeah, yeah like NATO only for husbands."

"That isn't a thing."

"I just made it a thing."

"You're an idiot but you're right about the funeral. I'll go….." reaching for his hand and feeling a little of her strength returning Olivia interlaced her fingers in his and agreed, "…with you, I'll go."


	33. Have A Little Faith In Me

"More?"

"Nah, nah it's just right….." said Elliot, sitting in the tub as Olivia resealed the faucet on finding the right temperature.

"Damn I forgot to pick up more of that apple purée stuff for Sam. Remind me to write a note when we're done here?"

"You know you can go do it now….." part teasing, part frustrated at being so helpless Elliot tilted his head, "…. I'm a big boy; I won't drown in the tub."

"It's so good to have you home."

"Is it?" he doubted with an apologetic sigh. "Even though I'm pretty much helpless and you've now got three kids to take care of?"

"You're hot helpless."

"My wife is bathing me like she does our babies….." turning away and pulling chunks of out a pink sponge Elliot huffed, "…. yeah, no, no sure I'm not."

"Don't, don't do that….." twisting her face in frustrated disapproval Olivia grimaced and snatched it from him, "….that's Evie's you don't get to take your anger out on it and you don't get to throw yourself a pity party."

"Oh but you get to chug vodka on the sly?"

"Elliot!"

"Sorry."

"I haven't drunk anything but wine with you since I broke that vase and frightened Evie. I am sucking it up and keeping my end of the bargain so stop acting like you're not lucky as all hell to be home already. You heard what the consultant said: you've come further in a week than most people with your injuries do in a month."

"And I know I should be grateful I know that but….."

"Okay fine, fine you know what go for it, knock yourself out….." softening with a crooked smile Olivia leant her arms over the side of the bath and sighed, "….hand me a pointy hat and a party popper and whine all you want."

"Remember the first time we got together after you had Mouse?" asked Elliot, dragging her hand down into the water and splashing her fingers with soap suds. "How you wouldn't let me touch you?"

"No, no I'm not sure I…."

"Liv?"

"I guess I maybe remember feeling more car wreck than woman. Like you wouldn't….." feeling a painfully heavy hearted drag in her chest Olivia met his eyes and apologised with just a look, "…. like you wouldn't see me in the same way anymore."

"I know you think I'm whining but this is tough for me, okay? Having your wife take you to the John? Letting her wash you and dress you? I'm supposed to be the man. I don't even feel like _a _man right now. I'm supposed to be the one who takes care of _you_, babe."

"Well that's more than a little antiquated but…."

"Yeah well I'm old school with that kinda crap, I can't help it."

"I'm so sorry this is so hard for you. What can I do?" sitting up a little she reached under the water, feeling the taught muscle of his thigh and sliding her hand up the inside of it. "How can I make you believe you're still all man to me….." batting doe eyes she knelt up and unknowingly leant her chest against the side of the tub, ample cleavage drawing in Elliot's eyes as she murmured, "…. tell me how I can help?"

"That….." he said quickly, almost gaspingly, but with a nervy trepidation that caused a puzzled furrow of Olivia's brows, "… keep doing that…."

"What? What is it, sweetie?" she asked, searching his troubled expression and struggling to read it.

"Don't stop….." he swallowed, pushing one hand under the water and guiding her palm a little further north, "…. I can feel it."

"Yeah?" she murmured, biting on her cheek and almost not daring to smile lest she jinx him. "What can you feel?"

"You….." something was returning to his eyes, she noticed, and understanding what was going on she knelt up tall and deliberately shrugged her right shoulder and encouraged the strap of her silk night slip to fall down lazily, "….oh, oh is that right?"

"That's right….." she replied with husky whisper, lifting a dripping hand from the water and pushing down her left strap with a trail of glistening soap suds, "…. how you feeling about having your wife bath you now, asshole?"

"Jury's still out….." he grinned, as a trickle of water slid down between Olivia's breasts and he knew without doubt or hesitation that though he may still no have been able to feel his legs there was undoubtedly sensation below his waist one more, "…. get in here."

"No."

"I said get in here, wench….." though ordinarily she wouldn't strung him up for talking to her that way Olivia was just so achingly delighted to have him strong again she just rolled her eyes in weak protest, "….hey, hey that wasn't a suggestion!"

"There's no way we can both fit in there and besides I'm not sure this is exactly what the consultant had in mind by gentle exercise and…"

"Oh I'll be gentle….." feeling a rush of heat between her legs as he paid each of her breasts gentle consideration in turn, delighting at how considerably fuller they had become since the babies. When he danced excruciatingly delicate fingertips around her nipples through the thin silk of a slip she was now barely wearing her Olivia cursed the power he held over her, both body and soul and moaned softly as he smiled, "… real gentle."

"Fine, fine okay but you feel any pain in your legs or….anywhere else…." with a little laugh despite herself Olivia stood up, dragged her nightgown over her head and stepped into the tub, "….and you _better _tell me."

"Trust me it's not pain I'm feeling… _anywhere else_…..right now….." spooning her body against his chest she noted that he wasn't exaggerating, and she had never been happier to feel the hard length of him against her back, "…. you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm alright….." she smiled blissfully, dragging his heavy arms around her body and resting her cheek against his thick left bicep, "….oh, hey Jesus, it's been a while."

"Inappropriate?" smirked Elliot, amused at the rare moments Olivia let her hair down and said something avant-garde.

"Don't care….." she shrugged, stroking circles against the similar familiarity of the eagle, anchor and globe on his forearm, "…. I think He and I are on a break again."

"You blame God for the guy in a vest?" asked Elliot, very clear I his mind that he wasn't about to provoke her and that it was a genuine question.

"Don't you?" she replied quickly and then, softening, sighed. "Let's not just go there. I know you two have something that He and I don't."

"I guess."

"Wow….." she almost gasped, not used to hearing him doubt, "…. what's going on there?"

"People died."

"Yeah."

"People we care about died and I can't get around that. But then I also gotta figure that thanks to Nick Amaro and the fact I left Cragen's office to pee when I did we're sat here right now…" with the kind of open dialogue he had never known in his life until her Elliot shrugged, "… was that Him too?"

"I don't know, babe."

"With one hand he gives, with the other he takes away. Maybe there's something in that."

"Maybe."

"I mean there are a million reasons to think it's all a pile of crap but then I got you. I messed up a million times and on paper there's no way in hell I should've would up having you think it was a good idea to be my wife and have two kids with me."

"I didn't you just got me pregnant with Evie in an elevator, remember?"

"I did or He did."

"You did! I'm not the virgin Mary. Evie is thanks to your freakishly effective sperm not divine intervention."

"Yeah but, babe, what I'm saying is that I was a coward for so long. I was in love with you for _years _before I finally found the stones to leave Kathy and I just wonder if Mouse wasn't you know, like a sign or something."

"Wait, wait okay let me just get this straight. You're telling me that after you repeatedly broke one of his commandments committing adultery with me, God decided to impregnate your mistress with an illegitimate child so that you felt compelled to divorce your wife?"

"Well that just makes it sound bad. Apart from the mistress part….." kissing at her neck with a smirk Elliot growled, "….that's just hot."

"You know what maybe you're right. Maybe this was all the plan of a higher power. Maybe Evie was a miracle baby. It's all worked out pretty well for me, so….."

"I don't think I've ever prayed harder than I did when you were in surgery after Sam was born or when I woke up after that bomb went off the other night."

"The big guy upstairs must be kinda tired of you praying for Him to save my ass."

"Yeah, yeah actually if you could stop almost dying that would be really great. We'd really appreciate it."

"Noted."

"Good."

"Hey, hey babe you weren't actually think that'd we'd…." her forehead etched with a nervous hesitation Olivia turned her head and looked up at him, "… were you?"

"Were you thinking about that the whole time I was having my crisis of faith?"

"No."

"Huh."

"Maybe."

"You wanna?" he asked, batting the ball back into her court after which the couple fell silent a moment. Elliot wondering whether he was physically ready, Olivia whether she was emotionally so.

"I don't think so…" she swallowed, these brief moments of respite and forgetting only able to hold back the burden of grief and disillusionment for so long, "….is that okay?"

"Hey, hey no, no you don't ask me that."

"I know I just…."

"No, no let me just be very clear. I don't care how messed up I am or how sorry for me you feel. You don't want to and it doesn't happen….." his impassioned tone and the way his muscles tensed around her as he spoke with absolute certainty stole Olivia's breath, "… period."

"Okay, okay I hear you….." she mouthed, the words more lip shapes than sound, "… El?"

"Loving you is an honour not a right."

"Wow….." she swallowed, twisting herself around in his arms and just staring at him. Just staring for several long, awestruck moments, "… you are just full of surprises Elliot Stabler."

"Yeah, well, no one can be an asshole all the time."

"I prayed too."

"What?" he asked, seeing her shoulders had turned to gooseflesh and instinctively scooping hot water up onto them to keep her warm.

"When I couldn't find you, when we couldn't find you and I had no clue whether you'd still be alive when we did I prayed. I'd never done that before. Not even when the kids were sick, not really, not like I did that night. Not like I meant it."

"And did you? Mean it?"

"I told Him I'm not nearly done loving you and I meant that, so who knows. Maybe he figures that's a start and he'd give me the benefit of the doubt."

"So what you're saying is that you reckon God sees you as a work in process?" chuckled Elliot, hugging her a little tighter and adoring the little cracks of vulnerability she showed in their most intimate moments.

"I reckon something up there, out there, keeps coming between our family and disaster. Whether it's holy or happenchance I don't know but I know I'm damn grateful either way."

* * *

"You know we should probably talk about it."

"You want a cookie? They're really good."

"You loved her…" said Georgia, persevering despite Fin's reluctance to engage with her on any topic that could hold weight, "….didn't you?"

"So Washington State, huh?" asked Fin, wrapping his fingers around the warmth of his coffee mug and looking up to meet Amanda's eyes, or at least the eyes he saw her in. "That's cool."

"I heard that you two worked together. That she was your partner for a while?"

"Look I was just really kinda thinking we could come here and talk, ya know? Grab a coffee, some of these ginger cookies and just talk. I don't really think we need to go into all that. Tell me about college, tell me about Seattle. Twilight, right?"

"I want to talk."

"So it rains a lot up there, huh?"

"You wanna talk about Twilight and how much it rains in Seattle?" the tiny indication of fine lines at the corners of her eyes threatened to betray how many more years she had lived than that measured simply by her age. "Okay, okay sure we can do that. We can talk about the rain."

"You look so like her you know….." said Fin, acknowledging that it was too cruel to tease her with trivia after the courage it must've taken her to fly across the country, "…. why'd you come? Why'd you come here?"

"I don't want anything from you if that's what you're thinking."

"Not what I meant."

"I had a comfortable childhood. My parents provided for me. This isn't the part in the movie where I'm all bitter and dark and broken because my birth mother gave me up. That isn't my life. That isn't who I am."

"Who are you, Georgia?" it was a genuine, open ended question and one which she could see in Fin's face he was ready to hear her answer. Yet she couldn't. So instead she just stared at him, long and hard and with all the confusion and uncertainty she couldn't seem to manage to convey with words.

"Honestly?" she shrugged, taking a sip from her coffee and leaving a light moustache of foam on her top lip. As she licked it off Fin couldn't help but smile, she had a kind of clumsy artlessness about her. For all the confidence she exuded, the light swagger and breezy smile there was an equal air of fragility. It was as though she wasn't quite comfortable in her own skin, and it was endearing to him. "I don't know, at least I don't think I do."

"That _is _honest….." nodded Fin, impressed, and flashing a warm smile he added, "…. and hard to admit."

"I think that I thought maybe if I could just get to see her. Even from a distance, just see what she looked like and how she sounded then it might help. I don't even know _what _it would help. I mean I'm fine. I guess you just always wonder, you know?"

"About your mom?"

"I have a mom."

"Sure, sure of course."

"I don't mean to be defensive. I'm really not. I'm not angry at all. Not at anyone. I know that's how some kids react when they find out they're adopted and I get it. I get why they would feel that way but I didn't. I didn't freak out when my mom and dad told me because it just…" for the first time since her arrival, the two strangers were actually engaging in a two way conversation, "…. it just made so much sense."

"How'd you mean?"

"My parents are good people. They gave me three square meals, they came to my dance recitals, and they helped me be the first person in our family to go to college."

"But?"

"But I was the weird kid."

"They're always the best ones." Grinned Fin, amused.

"My brother was so easy, so social, just so all American. I used to pretend I liked all the same things they did. I cheered at all my brother's football games to feel a part of what was important to them. Nothing was ever really wrong. I wasn't sad or upset. It was a really, really great life I just didn't quite fit in it somehow. Does that sound stupid? Does it sound ungrateful?"

"No, no it doesn't."

"After they told me about my birth mother I promised my mom I wouldn't go looking."

"What changed?" asked Fin, seeing the petals reclosing around the bud and Georgia's willingness to share closing off.

"Anyways I didn't know Amanda was asking about me until I left the academy and joined Seattle PD. One of the detectives there started asking just a few too many questions so I started asking some questions of my own."

"So you really are a cop then, huh?"

"You thought I made that up?" asked Georgia, mildly affronted but not surprised. "I guess you're wondering if I really am her daughter too."

"Nah, nah I…."

"Because if you want me to prove it, if you want me to give you some kind of sample or…."

"I didn't need any kind of proof you're Peach's kid I just had to look at'cha."

"Oh….."

"But Dr Warner, she's less keen on taking people at their word….." referring to Melinda's insistence that before she allow Fin and Rachel to form any kind of attachment to their pretty blonde stranger she be permitted to run DNA tests Fin explained, "….she ran some tests."

"How did she….."

"You gonna sue her?"

"No."

"She kept your fork from dinner the other night."

"She stole my spit?"

"She ran DNA tests on your saliva."

"Is that not the same thing?"

"Humph."

"She's a smart lady."

"The smartest I know."

"So the fact that we're having this conversation…" lifting her eyes from the table and locking her jaw around a nodding smile Georgia asked, "…. I take it the results were a match?"

"I'll gonna level with ya Georgia. This is messed up. I don't know how this works. I don't know how we do this."

"You want another coffee?"

"Easy as that, huh?"

"Not really but it's less awkward than just sitting here…" smirked Georgia, finding his wavelength for the first time as she relaxed a little to see a grin shot back across the table, "…. and I guess it's a start, right?"

"Right."

* * *

"Momma?"

"Babe?" frowned Olivia, reaching through the darkness to the bed beside her before realising it wasn't Elliot calling her.

"Mommy?" blinking herself conscious her heart ached to see two bright blue eyes and a muss of dark hair staring back at her from beside the bed. "Hi."

"Well hi there sweet girl….." biting on her bottom lip and smiling Olivia reached out a hand and stroked Eve's cheek tenderly, "… what's going on? Are you okay? Why are you out of bed?"

"I'm not sleepy."

"Oh you're not?" yawning through the question Olivia sat herself upright, and kicked her legs out from under the covers and over the side of the bed. "But it's the middle of the night Evie baby, you gotta go back to bed."

"I'm hungry…" running a warm, soft little hand over Olivia's knee a mother realised it wasn't food that Eve had been starved of lately, "…can we have a snack?"

"Evie….." it was the 'we' that got her, that, and the hopeful smile and eyes that reminded her that she was this little girl's whole entire world, "….okay, okay baby but just this _one time_, deal?"

"Mama?" hoisting her arms above her head Eve made starfish with her fingers and batted sleep eyes, "Up!"

"Hold on just one second…" dragging a pair of Elliot's sweat pants on under her silk slip Olivia reached down and grabbing Eve tight, brought her up onto her hip, "…. right, come on then sweet girl let's go see what we can find."

"Lello….." said Eve, prodding at a tub of butter as Olivia leant into the fridge with her, "…. it's lello, Momma."

"That's right, good girl. It's also butter and yucky to eat."

"Carrots….." one of her favourite new words, and the vegetable she was constantly encouraged to eat at day care Evie fisted a bag of them and attempted to drag them, despite their considerable weight, off the shelf, "… these are carrots."

"Yeah, yeah they are baby girl but we don't want carrots at 3am. They'll make your tummy sad…" struggling to push her brain into full function Olivia took another sweep of the refrigerator before finally settling on the easy and obvious, "…. okay you know what Momma's got a plan. Hold this okay?"

"S'milk."

"It's gonna help you feel sleep again….." grabbing one of Eve's coloured cups from the side Olivia carried her into the lounge.

"Imma sit on you…" clambering clumsily, all arms and legs, onto Olivia's lap once they were on the couch Eve plopped herself down and got comfortable.

"Hey, hey wait let me put the lid on…" dutifully waiting for her cup to be secured Eve watched her mother's every move, every incline of her head, every touch of her hand, "….what do you say?"

"Thank you, momma."

"You're welcome, baby girl."

"Momma is for you….." having drained half its contents and now a mistress of sharing, Eve grinned, "….what'choo say?"

"Thank you, Evie Grace…." and then with a rush of love Olivia bent down and pressed a kiss against Eve's cheek, "…. I love you so much, baby girl."

"Milk is from cow…" said Eve, not only hearing Olivia's words but feeling them in the intimacy of their secret night-time picnic and how tightly she was snuggled into Olivia's chest, "….they say mooooooooo."

"That's _right _sweet girl, you're so good. You're so smart…" saying all the things she had so longed to have her mother say to her, all the things she so desperately wanted her daughter to hear and to believe Olivia smiled, "…. I'm so proud of you."

"Mooooo…" repeated Eve, her body relaxing back into the crook of Olivia's arm as her little face squashed itself against her breast, "….. Momma?"

"You getting sleepy, baby bear?" stroking a light finger against Eve's dozing cheek Olivia smiled. Life went on.

"No….."

"I think maybe you might be…" gathering her up in cradling arms Olivia used the coffee table to steady herself, wandering slowly to the bedroom while gently rocking her precious half sleeping cargo, "…. I think you might be ready to go back to bed now."

"No….." came a less than convincing protest from Eve, as she flashed her baby teeth and scrunched her button nose in a yawn.

"How about you just lie down and see what happens, just see whether you can….."

"No!" a mild panic swept over the little face, and before Olivia could ask after its source Eve's eyes went wide and urging, "Momma, don't go!"

"Sweetheart….."

"Don't go Mommy….." tugging at the silk of Olivia's slip and dragging her down onto the pillow with her, Eve's tight fisted little fingers were fiercely defensive.

"Okay, okay I won't….." promised Olivia, settling herself beside the low rise princess bed and resting her elbows against its mattress, "….see? I'm staying."

"Okay."

"I'm not going anywhere. Mommy isn't going _anywhere _Evie…" bending down and pressing a loving kiss of firm reassurance against a soft little cheek Olivia vowed, "….so you just close your eyes, sweet girl. I'm sat right here. I'm right here, always."

* * *

"These ones?"

"Nah, nah they're darker."

"These ones are black, kind of?" said Olivia, rifling through Elliot's wardrobe the morning of Cragen's funeral and holding up a pair of pants. "Babe I think they've just washed lighter. I think these _are_ your black ones."

"Okay, okay you know better than me." He nodded, with not a hint of glib.

"You want help?" she asked, as he took the suit pants from her and removed them from their hanger with a hesitation. "That session yesterday was pretty brutal, you gotta be aching."

"Sure, sure I can take some help…" he nodded, ever grateful that she would always ask first and never just assume, "…. hey, hey can we talk about something? Are the kids busy?"

"Yeah they're watching Nemo….." she nodded quickly, with a sense that whatever conversation was brewing it wasn't going to be a comfortable one, "… what's on your mind?"

"I had an interesting chat with Nick Amaro. He was apologising for something he assumed we would've spoken about."

"You spoke to Nick? When? Where?" genuinely surprised at the two had crossed paths Olivia's gut sank. She herself hadn't spoken to Nick since the explosion, undeniably avoiding the issue she was about to confront with her husband.

"He was leaving therapy when I got there."

"You didn't tell me how that went by the way."

"It went." shrugged Elliot, having been a highly reluctant and cynical participant in mandatory counselling purely to attain fit for duty sign off, so that as soon as his legs recovered he would be ready to return to work. "Anything you wanna fill me in on?"

"He shouldn't have told you."

"No, no you're right….." said Elliot unswervingly, "… **you** should've."

"You were in the hospital! You've had so much on your plate the last thing you needed was…."

"To hear my wife kissed another man?"

"Oh don't be an asshole!" she scoffed, turning away for him and bracing her hands on her hips. "Don't even go there Elliot."

"How am I being an asshole? How am I supposed to react? You think you wouldn't have a few choice works for me if you knew I'd kissed one of the other detectives at work?"

"He was _barely _conscious. It's not like he grabbed me by the water cooler. I was trying to keep him alive!"

"By kissing him?"

"Screw you!" yelled Olivia, throwing his pants as directly at his face as she could manage and turning on her heel to storm from the bedroom.

"Liv! Olivia get back in here!" he cried, throwing his arms in the air in frustration and exhaling in disbelief, "You _know _I can't chase after you, damn it! This is not a fair fight! Hey! Hey now who's the asshole!"

"Oh babe I'm sorry…" she gasped, shaking her head with a mortification that she was unable to manifest in anything other than a lightly blushing laugh, "… that wasn't deliberate."

"Sure it wasn't."

"No!"

"You know if you want you can storm around a bit out there and we can pretend I'm running after you like I usually do. We can just yell through the wall….." he was laughing too now, watching her from his seat on the bed as she lolled against the doorframe, "….it'll be kind of the same deal."

"El you have every right to be pissed….." and then, because she had vowed a long time ago that she would never be anything less than his equal she added, "… but you know me better than that."

"I know….." he conceded, nodding slowly and sighing, "… but I wish he was right. I wish you had already told me."

"Look whatever is going on for Nick is something that I'm gonna have to deal with but it's sure as hell not going on for me."

"He's not unfortunate looking."

"No, no he's not….." she agreed, feeling the white flag raise and padding barefoot back across the carpet to sit beside Elliot on the bed, "….but he's also not my husband."

"Yeah."

"I should have told you. That's on me and it was wrong. You gotta believe though babe I just genuinely, with everything else going on right now….." shrugging she lay a hand on his knee and gave it an emphatic squeeze, turning her eyes to him and smiling, "…it just wasn't important."

"Okay."

"You sure?" she asked, hiding a sudden sadness in the realisation that he couldn't feel her touch on his knee and moving her hand to his forearm instead.

"I mean pretty boy better not try that shit again or I'll beat the crap out of him but…."

"Elliot!"

"You know I mean it."

"Hence the horror in my face."

"Liv it's important, even if you think it isn't, if it happened to you then….." lifting his shoulders and then dropping them as he looked at her Elliot insisted, "….it's important."

"So when the 1-6 is dust, Cragen and Rollins are dead, you and Fin are fresh out of surgery you seriously thought I should've just thrown it out there that a half conscious Nick Amaro kissed me? You didn't need to know: I dealt with it, it was done!"

"I feel like I keep hitting the same wall with you Olivia."

"Hey, hey I was joking I…."

"Yeah well I wasn't."

"El…." she lamented softly, pulling her forehead to a frown and reaching for his hand, "….don't be like that."

"I'm gonna say this again. I'm gonna keep saying this until you get it. You don't get to pick and choose when we're a team. You don't get to filter your life and I don't get to filter mine. I need you to be all in, all the time and not just when you think I can handle it."

"Okay, okay I get it."

"I'm not perfect, most days I'm a pain in your ass and I know that. I'm not saying I'll always do or say the right thing, that I'll always react the way you want or need me to…" and then, in his own inimitable way he pushed them to be a little bit more than they were the day before, "…. just that I deserve the chance to try?"

"I'm dreading today. I don't want to go. I feel nauseous. I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to say goodbye to him."

"He stood up for you." Said Elliot with a deeply moving calm and understanding in his face and tone as he met her eyes, "Today you need to stand up for him, babe."


	34. Time To Say Goodbye

"You hear the old tropes all the time. Life is precious, life is short, we are mortal and our time is finite. Don't go to sleep angry, don't hesitate, don't waste a second of however long it is you have left. Don't wait till tomorrow to do whatever it is you're thinking about today. Two weeks ago all of these things became more real to me than I could ever have imagined. Two weeks ago everything I was so sure of, so certain about, everything I believed to be true was cast into doubt. Two weeks ago we all survived when seven of our co-workers, our friends, our family, did not. Today we're here to honour the head of that family. Today we're here to pay our respects, to grieve the loss, and honour the life of Captain Donald Cragen. I would now like to ask his sister Joan, to come up here and say a few words."

"I couldn't talk about him. I wanted to say….." shrugging as Joan found her way to the front Olivia cast her eyes to an unknown point in the distance and swallowed, "…. so much."

"He already knows it all….." from his wheelchair at the end of the row Elliot reached out for her hand, sliding his fingers between hers and holding them fast, "…. he knows what he meant to you."

"Seven funerals. Seven of our own. That's too much, that's too many. It's not right….." though they hadn't attended every one of the peripheral staff's and uniformed officer's funerals they had grieved their deaths nonetheless, "….it is not _right_ Elliot."

"No, no it isn't."

"I don't think that my brother ever had any idea how much he was loved. I don't think he ever really let it in, let it resonate. He had that quiet, introverted way of letting you know just how much he cared and though he wasn't a man of words his actions said it all. He never cowered." Taking a pause, a white haired Joan looked around at the chapel full of people and smiled. Don would know now. Today he would know just how profound the depth of peoples' affection ran.

"We got you, cheekbones….." came a soft, barely audible whisper from the pew behind Olivia as Fin set a hand on each of her shoulders and gave them a firm squeeze, "…we got you."

"I accepted a long time ago that there was a chance we'd end up here Don. Anyone who has a loved one who does that kind of work lives in fear of one day taking the call. I answered my cell two weeks ago and I knew. Before they even said it I just knew, you know? He gave his whole life to that uniform, to that job, to the pursuit of justice. I don't know where the justice was that afternoon. I don't think I ever will. All I can do, like all of you, is to try and make some kind of sense out of it all. To remember the man behind the badge, and to be strong in that quiet, graceful, noble way that he was. To let go of the anger and not let it tarnish his memory. Like his darling Olivia so elegantly reminded us we owe it to all of those who lost their lives that day not to waste time hating and regretting what we can't change. They wouldn't want that. Life is short, life is precious and one afternoon when you least expect it…" lowering her eyes to the casket beside her Joan smiled sadly, "… it can all be gone."

* * *

"You holding up okay?"

"I'm fine….." lied Olivia with a shrugging sigh. It was just easier to do so at that point. Any attempts to describe the constant feeling of being lost at sea, drifting aimlessly and with a vanished sense of purpose seemed futile and unhelpful.

"It don't get an easier does it?" laughed Fin bleakly, hunching his shoulders against the cold as they stood together on leaving the chapel. "They tell you it does. The bastards lie. I guess it's just what people say. Time heals and all that."

"It does, it will. I'm counting on it….." smiled Olivia with that cut glass front it hurt him to see her fight so hard to maintain, "… we'll get through it. We'll be us again."

"How's Stabler doing?" deeply affected by the mountain's his friend had moved to be there to support his wife, Fin had gained a profound new respect for Elliot Stabler.

"He's good, he's fine, he's…" it was exhausting, the constant pretending, and so with a sad smile in which her mouth turned downward with a bone deep sadness she tilted her head, "…. he's closer to fine than he was yesterday. Not quite as close as he'll be tomorrow I hope."

"He looking after you?" and then posing the more pertinent question Fin added, "You letting him?"

"Yeah, yeah we're doing okay. How about you?" tucking a straying strand of hair behind her ear she attempted to remain casual and breezed, "Still seeing a lot of Georgia?"

"You've been playing detective, detective."

"Don't."

"You haven't even met her and you're judging her."

"That's not fair."

"No you're not fair Liv…" said Fin with a coated tone that lessened the potency of a hard stare and defensive draw of his sword, "….and I don't want to get into this with you. Not here, not today, not while we're all so raw."

"I just think it's a little strange is all."

"Yeah well you know what? No one asked your opinion."

"Doesn't it ring any alarm bells at all? That after, what, twenty odd years she just shows up on Amanda's doorstep?"

"Oh right, I forgot. Since when did that stop you weighing in and waxing lyrical."

"You don't know her Fin."

"Neither do you."

"I gotta tell you from the outside in this is a disaster waiting to happen."

"No one knows anyone until they talk to each other. Difference between you and me, cheekbones? I'm willing to start a conversation."

"Don't be so damn naïve!"

"Don't be so damn superior!" yelled Fin, his mouth snarling at her lofty evangelisation. "What the hell does it matter to you if I talk to her? What do _you _got to lose here?"

"I just don't like seeing you set yourself up to get hurt is all."

"You gave me a hard time about Peach the _whole_ time we were together and you know what? You were wrong about her. She was messed up and she made some stupid choices but she was a good person. She was a _good_ person."

"I know that."

"Olivia you got your happy ending. You got your guy; you got your fairytale wedding and your two beautiful children."

"And I don't take any of that for granted for a second but….."

"You walked away from that night and I know El got hurt but he's still here ain't he?"

"Yes, he is but….."

"I got nothin' Liv!"

"Fin….."

"You need to back the hell off."

"I'm just afraid that this Georgia girl is…."

"Okay I don't think you hearing me Olivia…" said Fin, pinning her with an icy glare, "….back the hell off or me and you? We're gonna have a problem."

"Are you serious right now?"

"As a heart attack."

"You're giving me a hard time for having your six?"

"You hate change, you hate new people, and you have a really hard time trusting people. I get it, believe me I do."

"I don't want to fight with you. That wasn't what I….."

"I didn't fall out of the sky yesterday and maybe I'm an idiot for trusting her but you know what? Life is too goddamn short not to trust anyone Olivia. I don't wanna accept that this is my life, done. I don't want my legacy to be Odafin Tutola….." shrugging his shoulders as the black leather of his jacket creaked in her conscience Fin sighed, "….they guy who almost figured it out, the guy who almost found his follow through: the guy who was _almost _happy."

"You not happy Fin?" and the answer in his lonely, disillusioned eyes took her breath away.

* * *

"Here, put this on."

"I'm fine."

"Not a suggestion."

"Thanks….." relented Olivia, slipping Elliot's heavy black overcoat on over her suit as he wheeled his chair over to her and tossed it in her lap, "… it's cold out."

"Yeah, yeah people don't usually sit outside in December so….." coming to rest beside her and taking a sharp inhale of the crisp New York morning he asked, "…. you gonna come back inside?"

"I just need some fresh air…" staring out across the cemetery parking lot Olivia offered, "….you go though, I'm okay. Honestly."

"Yeah, yeah I know you are….." leaning forward he reached around her waist, moving his hands to the small of her back and stroking with a soothing calm as he evenly changed the subject, "….it was nice to see so many old faces turn out today."

"He earned a lot of respect from a lot of people."

"You know my first memory of Cragen?" smiling to himself Elliot recalled the moment fondly. "Him kicking my ass after I got caught using lights and sirens to get home for Kathy's birthday."

"Really?" the words caught in her throat as she softened her statue like stance and rounded her shoulders, looked up at him smiling, "I don't think I've heard that story before."

"Oh he was pissed. He got hauled over the coals 'cause the brass decided to make an example of me and boy did I hear about it. I hadn't been in the unit two weeks and he told me I'd already caused him more headaches than the other detectives had in two years."

"That sounds about right."

"I remember the day he told me I was getting stuck with a rookie, and a girl at that."

"Girl?" she scowled, adorable to him in her indignation.

"You know I think he put us together just to piss me off. He knew I was an arrogant, hot headed son of a bitch and he knew just how to stick it to me. He told me he'd found me a new partner and I was gonna hate her."

"Cragen said that?" asked Olivia, not sure if she ought to be more hurt or offended. "That you wouldn't like me?"

"You know why, he said? Because not only where you faster, smarter and better looking….." smirking to himself, picturing a younger Don Cragen as he'd delivered the news, Elliot cocked his head, "… but that you were gonna kick my ass."

"I loved him Elliot."

"I know you did, babe….." falling forward and pressing his forehead against hers he murmured, "… I know you did."

"Sometimes it's like he's just on vacation. Like one day soon I'll wake up and it'll all be as it was. I'll get up and go into that precinct and he'll be there, running the facts, standing in front of the case board busting our balls for not having figured out it yet. It just always felt like so long as he was there in his office it'd all be okay, you know?"

"Yeah."

"We gave him such a hard time. He never gave up on us. I always knew, without doubt, without hesitation, that if I needed him he'd be there. He was the safety net that caught all of our mistakes and cleaned up all mess we got ourselves into. I felt like I'd known him my whole life."

"Me too."

"He said something to me at our wedding. He said that….."

"Hey, hey you're okay….." he soothed, reaching a hand to her face and brushing hair gently from her temple.

"He said that he'd never had a daughter…" chewing so hard on her cheek she felt a metallic taste of drawn blood on her tongue Olivia's voice broke, "…. and I realised that even though I never had a father….."

"Oh baby, oh babe come here….." exhaled Elliot, throwing his weight forward in his chair and grabbing her into his arms, "….come here I gotcha."

"I…. I can't….. breathe…" she half choked, half sobbed as he lessened his grip slightly and she looked at him with a desperate, croaky little laugh, "…. thanks!"

"The first day you walked into the 16th you were wearing the ugliest pair of beige slacks and a white shirt."

"Wait, you remember that?" she hiccoughed, gracelessly wiping her nose on her sleeve. "You remember what I was wearing?"

"The Captain looked at me and he said 'Stabler you're gonna make me a promise, right here, right now: man to man' and I said to him sure, sure what is it boss….." lifting a hand to her face again he wiped away tears with his thumb and them stroked his rough knuckles against her cheeks as she smiled curiously, "…. and he looked at me, dead in the eye and then he looked over at you."

"In my ugly pants?"

"In your fucking hideous pants and he said that's your new partner Detective Benson. They don't make more than one of people like her. Your job is to watch her six. Your job is to watch out for her, your job is look after her, your job is to take the bullet."

"Huh….." nodded Olivia as fresh, hot tears slipped from the corners of her eyes.

"Now I don't really think that Cragen had in mind that I'd be thorough enough to _marry _you to keep that promise but…."

"Shut up!"

"My point is that he knew how special you are before I did…" leaning in and kissing her salty, tear wet lips Elliot murmured, "…and I got your back: always."

"You know you really are very sweet sometimes."

"So come on then, what was I wearing the first time we met?"

"I dunno….." she shrugged apathetically, "….a shirt?"

"It was a real stand out moment in your life then, huh?" he chuckled softly. "Come here….." unsatisfied with the comfort he was able to give her from the restriction of his chair he grabbed her hands, tugging at them and encouraging her onto his knee.

Though she offered mild protest lest she be too heavy or bring him discomfort, she needed the closeness too much in that moment to really put any weight behind objection. Settling into his lap she curled herself into his chest and allowed herself a tender smile, "I _do_ remember the first time I knew I was in a real trouble with you though….."

"Yeah?"

"Blue shirt, no tie, sleeves rolled to your elbows punching the crap out of the vending machine and flashing me a bit of Semper Fi on your forearm….."

"Oh yeah? You dug that, huh?"

"No."

"Liar! You just hate that after a lifetime of pretentious book worms…" he couldn't help but smirk with delight as her expression betrayed an inability to refute his statement, "… you fell for a philistine badass."

"I worked really hard trying to convince myself you were an asshole animal with anger issues and a _really_ bad idea…" flashing an unusually mischievous smile Olivia rolled her eyes and indulged him a surrendering smile.

"How did that work out for you Mrs Stabler?"

"Cap, if you're listening, this is all your fault you hear?" there had never been a moment more bittersweet as Olivia smiled through tears, "You should've partnered the rookie with someone else."

"I think he knew what he was doing."

"You reckon?" and nodding, she conceded that Cragen had probably known a lot longer than they had that Benson and Stabler were more than just partnered detectives.

"You ready to go back inside?"

"Not yet….." she answered honestly, finding his eyes, "…. can you bear to sit here a bit longer?"

"Can I have my coat back?"

"Seriously?"

"No, nah I'm just kidding I'm not cold….." he lied, gritting his teeth against a shiver as snow threatened in the air, "…. you take as long as you need, babe."

* * *

"Not a word."

"I use it all the time!"

"Not a valid argument."

"I'd forgotten how hard core you are about your board games."

"You either play by the rules or you don't play at all."

"Nah but you gotta admit that bending the rules a little….." twisting his mouth into an wicked smirk Fin's heart was lighter than it'd been in weeks as he sat on the opposite side of the Scrabble board from Melinda Warner, "….it's fun."

"Can I make you something to eat?" asked Melinda, rising from her chair and grabbing their beer bottles to clear away. "You can't keep having liquid meals."

"Liv did good today."

"I never doubted she would….." came the warm smile from a woman who had long admired Olivia Benson, "… she's probably the strongest person I know."

"She's pissed at me for trusting Georgia so easily. She doesn't trust her. She reckons she's got an ulterior motive for coming here."

"Do you think she's got a point?" it was clear from her tone and the poorly concealed flicker of doubt in her eyes that Melinda wasn't entirely in disagreement with Olivia's point of view. "There are certainly a lot of unanswered questions."

"Only because we haven't had chance to ask them yet."

"Maybe."

"I'm not an idiot, I'm not a fool…" though easier said than done Fin insisted, "….I've got my guard up."

"You wanna dry if I wash?" deciding that now was not the time to air her own reservations about Georgia she simply let it go. Fin had enough people watching his back for her to let this one play out in its own time. He was a smart guy and he didn't suffer fools gladly, even if he did have a blindside when it came to troubled southern blondes.

"Sure."

"Not with a bath towel!" she protested, cursing his bachelor habits as he fished in a basket of clean laundry she had finished earlier. "Here, this one….." shoving it against his chest their hands brushed as he reached to grab it and, both frozen, they stood with his warm palm covering hers for several moments.

"Sorry, sorry I…."

"No! No it's fine!" she gushed, tossing her curls from side to side and rushing back across the room to the sink. Plunging her hands back into the soapy water with a little too much haste she splashed water up her shirt, "Damn it!"

"Mel…."

"It's fine it's just a little water. No harm done….." and then, reluctantly, she turned to him and their brown eyes melded, "…right?"

"Course not."

"So I spoke to one of the deputy commissioners at the funeral and it sounds they they're not sure what's going to happen to SVU yet?

"Yeah, yeah I heard something about that…" mumbled Fin, still not having regained his resting pulse and feeling uncomfortably flush, "…. hey, hey can I say something?"

"I don't know….." she replied cautiously, handing him a dripping plate and eyeing him with a nervous smile, "…. that depends what it is?"

"Nah, nah forget it." He dismissed, running the towel around the plate many more times than was necessary and turning away from her.

"Fin…."

"I'm gonna go get those extra blankets so you're not cold again tonight."

"Fin wait….." skin still hot from the water and covered in suds Melinda turned on her heel, grabbed his face firmly with both hands and leaned up to press her mouth against his. Feeling his lips instantly part, his body yield to hers and his hands move to her waist she let her head fall back and their kiss spin into an ardent, long denied expression of everything that still existed between them.

"Stop, stop I can't…" pulling away, breathless, he reached his hands to his swollen lips and murmured, "…. this is messed up."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry….." she fumbled, having lost everything of herself in a truly uncharacteristic moment of impulsivity and thoughtless desire, "….excuse me would you, I have to…."

"Mel wait? Melinda?" he called her back, dragging her back across the kitchen with his eyes and understanding. "It ain't you and I'm the one that's sorry."

"Oh good, great, aside from being mortified I'm about to become a cliché too. It's not me, it's you, right? Isn't that how it always goes?"

"I just can't do this right now is all."

"I know that. I know this is never going to happen and I don't know _what _I was thinking I just…."

"I didn't say never it's just….."

"So….."

"Liv's wedding."

"What?" she asked, now clutching the wet towel like her life depended on it.

"When you said you didn't have a reason to stay in New York…" he swallowed, remembering so vividly the clarity he had felt in that moment on the hotel terrace, "…. if Peach hadn't walked in I'd have given you one."

"I know."

"Wait, you….." puzzled, not having imagined that was at all the impression she had walked away from their conversation that day with Fin frowned, "… you knew? You knew what I was trying to say? What I was about to say?"

"You rambled semi-coherently about Downton Abbey and Bruce Springsteen and missing my banana loaf. I remember it all. I know you missed me. I missed you too; terribly."

"You did?"

"I still do."

"Yeah."

"But Amanda _did _walk in. The same way when went down this road together last the first time she walked in then too, and maybe there was a reason for that. Maybe it is no coincidence that we just keep missing our mark."

"I…."

"You loved her, Fin. You were in love with her and now she's dead God rest her soul. I was wrong to kiss you tonight. It was very wrong."

"It didn't feel wrong. I wish it had. It'd make what's gonna happen next damn sight easier."

"Yes, yes it would."

"I'm not a bad guy I know that. I'm a little rough around the edges but I mean well. I get by. I do the best I can. It just ain't gonna be good enough for someone like you is all."

"Don't say that."

"Me and Peach? We were the same. We both came from something and nothing and just figured out how to piece together life as we went along. We were a hot mess and neither one of us really ever had the first clue about what it was to love someone or be in a functional relationship. We were the blind leading the blind and we just kinda clung to each other."

"You are the most completely real person I have ever known Odafin Tutuola."

"And you're a real lady, Mel."

"Damn it."

"Yeah….." he nodded with a resigned despondence as he accepted their fate, "…. how long you got left to take up that job out in Cali?"

"I need to make the call by tomorrow. Fly out by the end of next week."

"Well okay then."

"Ask me to stay, Fin…" she challenged, forgetting everything waiting for her in California, forgetting every promise she ever made to herself not to let herself be blinded by love again, forgetting everything but how badly she wanted him to give her a reason not to leave, "….tell me not to go to Los Angeles. Tell me I belong here with you."

"I want to….." he muttered, so much sudden vulnerability in her gentle giant, "…. you got no idea."

"Seems like we just can't ever seem to get on the same page at the same time….." she laughed sadly, knowing that this was not going to end the way either of them wanted, "… but I guess that's just the way life goes sometimes."

"I don't think doing the right thing ever felt so wrong."

"Hey, hey we've got some time before I go….." she smiled warmly, falling back on what they still and would always have and giving him a warm hug in an attempted to salvage both of their hearts, "….let's just make the most of it. We're still friends right?"

"Always."

* * *

"This about his school? I know you've not been happy with his grades but honestly Kath he's still so young and if he's happy, he's settled, he's got a tonne of little friends. That counts for a lot, right?"

"El this isn't about Eli's grades."

"Oh, oh okay….." taking a sip of the coffee she'd made him Elliot sat around the old Stabler breakfast table two days later and smiled warmly, "… so what's up?"

"How was the funeral? How's Olivia? I know she was close to Cragen."

"She's hanging in there."

"Lizzie told me how good she's been to her lately. I really appreciate that. I really appreciate how great she is with all the kids and I don't underestimate the pain barrier she's had to break through with them. I haven't always been the most proactive in helping that process along but she's stuck with it where most women would've give up a long time ago so….."

"She really cares about them."

"And they've come to really care about her too…" pursing her lips Kathy hesitated a moment before chuckling to herself, "…. and ironically it's going to be a comfort to me to know that Olivia is around for them."

"Kath why do I have a weird feeling right now? Like you're about to say something I'm not gonna like?"

"There really is no easy way to do this El. There really is no good way to tell you what I'm about to….."

"You wanna spit it out because I swear to God nothing can be worse than all the things I'm dreaming up in my head right now…."

"I feel like I've always been honest with you. I haven't asked for much. Even though we're not where we used to be I'd like to think that'd I've always levelled with you and….."

"Kath for Christ's sake!"

"I'm moving to Chicago..." she swallowed, her milky skin falling to a whiter shade of pale as she watched comprehension filter into the age lines around his eyes, "… and I'm taking Eli with me."


	35. Maybe I'd Give You My World

"You're not gonna like what I have to say, cheekbones."

"Go on….." smiled Olivia, taking a sip of coffee as she crossed one leg over the other on Fin's couch, "…. I'm braced."

"A lot's changing round here. Pretty much everything, actually, and I figure we all got ourselves a few ghosts to lay to rest."

"I'm on board so far, keep going."

"Whatever we were, whatever we had, however messed up it was I really cared about her and that was real. We might not have been any good for each other as more than friends but she became a part of my life. We went through some stuff. I gotta say goodbye."

"That all makes sense but….." said Olivia, finding herself more capable of empathy than she had anticipated.

"I'm going to the funeral."

"They changed their minds? Her family are having it here in the city?"

"Nope."

"You're not…"

"Yeah, yeah I'm going to Georgia….." nodded Fin slowly, steadily, letting her know just how made up his mind was, "…. and I don't expect you to approve, or understand, just to respect my decision."

"Okay….." she replied, meeting his eyes and quietly agreeing, "…. okay, I can do that."

"Yeah? No lecture?"

"Hey!"

"Sorry."

"You gonna be okay?" she asked, because ultimately that was all she really cared about. "You want me to come with you?"

"Yeah, yeah actually….. " and then seeing the horror on her face he laughed loudly, cathartically, "…. jeez if you could see your face right now Liv!"

"Shut up!"

"You went to the reading of Cragen's will yesterday, huh? How'd that go? He leave you his stamp collection?" teased Fin, flashing his teeth.

"No, no actually he left me his house." Said Olivia, still struggling to believe it herself.

"What?" pulling a face Fin frowned dismissively, "You're playin' me. Cragen didn't have a house."

"Actually he did."

"Huh?"

"It turns out that after he married Marge they bought a place together in Brooklyn. It's gorgeous. It's not huge but it it's a good size and it has this great little yard and three decent sized bedrooms….."

"Wait, wait hold on a second here. Are you seriously telling me that the Captain left you a house in Brooklyn in his will?" marvelled Fin, struggling to wrap his head around the notion. "You're not yanking my chain right now?"

"When they didn't manage to have kids and then she passed away it got too painful for him to stay there so he moved back to Manhattan and rented that apartment we always knew him in."

"Well I'll be."

"I think that was pretty much my reaction too."

"Man that's unreal, doll! All that space for the little guys to run around? A yard to play out in? That's exciting, that's crazy exciting….." and then pulling his eyebrows together in a deep furrow Fin realised, "… only that ain't exactly the vibe I'm getting from you right now. What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing is wrong it's all perfect. Or at least it was until I told Elliot about it and he just looked at me like I just drank his last beer."

"He wasn't excited?"

"I can honestly say he was not."

"Huh, huh so what's his deal then? He not like that he's not the hunter gatherer?" mused Fin, genuinely mystified as to what Elliot's problem might be. "He not comfortable accepting the Captain doing that for you?"

"He's an ass if that's it."

"How'd you feel about it? I mean that's a pretty huge deal."

"The last conversation I had with Cragen was so surreal. Like a dream, well, more a nightmare I guess. I remember cutting him off, shutting him down while he rambled on about a swing."

"A swing?"

"He said that I had to put a rope swing in the yard for the kids. That all kids should have one and he never did. I laughed, I brushed it off and I told him that I didn't have a yard….." tilting her head and drifting back to that heart-breaking moment in which she'd seen life in the Captain's eyes for the last time, "…. and he said, but you will."

"He'd made sure of it."

"I guess so."

"Liv you do know Elliot has no right to be a little bitch about this?" tested Fin, his loyalty always lying at her door despite his ever increasing fondness for her husband. "You're gonna tell him that right?"

"Yeah, yeah I will, but I'll let him brood on it a while first. He's good at that."

"That's real healthy, you know that right?"

"We're fine, honestly. I don't know what's going on with him but getting in his face about it right now won't help."

"I guess you know best."

"He must feel like the walls are closing in on him in that tiny apartment. Between the kids running riot, me having to help him with everything and us both being off work we're living on top of each other….." it was the first time Fin had heard her speak with such confidence in her relationship and despite his reservations he trusted her judgement, "….we've just got to let all each other breathe a little."

"Yeah well if he doesn't get excited about your new house soon then he can stay put….." eyes twinkling mischievously Fin grinned, "… and I'll come live in it with you and the kids instead."

"You wanna take the kids for pizza or ice cream or something?"

"Hell yeah!" he whooped with a gleeful grin of anticipation, never passing up a moment spent with his adopted niece and nephew. "Can I wake little man up?"

"You gonna change him for me too?" pushing her luck in the cosy comfort of their friendship Olivia arched a hopeful brow.

"Hey Baby Girl? Where you at Evie G?"

"It's Blue's Clues, come see Fin!" came a voice from his bedroom where Eve had been occupying herself watching television and munching on sliced apple. "Come watch with me!"

"I got a better idea baby doll….." he grinned, wandering into the room and lifting her into his arms all sweet sticky fingers and cuddles, "….you want your Momma and me to take you and your brother out for pizza and ice cream?"

"Both?" came a call from the living room as Olivia listened in. "That was an either/or offer Odafin!"

* * *

"Babe why are my kids running around with no clothes on?"

"I can't find Mouse's pants….."

"I can see that!" laughed Olivia, as Evie and Sam flew past her in another half-naked lap of the kitchen. Hitting their mouths with their little palms and yelling tribal calls Evie strode out in front and Sam followed loyally behind, mimicking her every action and sound.

"She has some that match this right?" asked Elliot, wheeling himself out of the bedroom the kids now shared and holding up a shirt while pulling a puzzled face. "They were red?"

"They're pink but they're in the laundry. Put those green ones on her instead."

"You know where they are?" sometimes, she smiled with fond amusement, it was like having a third child he was so helpless in household tasks.

"Hey, hey so I've been thinking for Sam's room we do a jungle theme. He's so crazy over tigers and monkeys right now and there's the _cutest _wallpaper in this magazine….." tearing herself away from the home decorating brochures Olivia carried her coffee into the bedroom and almost instantly lay her hands on Evie's missing pants, "…. these the ones you couldn't find babe?"

"They're not green they're blue."

"Are you colour-blind?"

"There's too much stuffed in these drawers you can't see a damn thing."

"Hey!" she soothed, grabbing his hands as he thrust and shoved and the drawer and took his obviously internalised rage out on it.

"Damn it!" he yelled, punching the wood with some force before leaning his elbows against the arms of his wheelchair and dropping his head into his hands.

"Elliot what the hell has gotten into you? You can't keep this up….." she warned, "…. for so many reasons but most of all because you're driving me insane!"

"Sorry."

"Look I know we're living on top of each other here and it's only gotten worse with Sam getting bigger and you being in the chair but it's not forever. I'm trying to put a rush on the house deeds and then we can start to think about moving in and….."

"Liv I didn't tell you the whole story when I said Kathy had me over to talk about Eli's school."

"Okay….." she nodded slowly, taking a perch on Eve's little bed and looking up at him from it, "….so talk to me."

"She's moving to Chicago."

"What?" as Olivia's face fell thirteen stories Elliot felt new levels of agony.

"She's moving to Chicago and she's taking my boy with her."

"She can't do that."

"She can and she is."

"But he's in school here, his friends are here, his home is here….." and then, with an impassioned fury that was as beautiful to him as it ought to have been terrifying to the world Olivia added emphatically, "… his _father_ is here."

"I am so sorry to put this on you."

"No! No don't you be sorry it's Kathy who….." and then, as if she was suddenly hearing herself for the first time and feeling the sting of what she was implying Olivia softened slightly, "… have you tried talking to her? Talking her out of it?"

"I was mad believe me. When she first told me I was furious. I went through all the things you're feeling right now and more. She can't do this, she has no right, she's out of line, she's lost her mind…" rounding his shoulders and breaking Olivia's heart as he fought off rare tears, "….and then I started to listen to what she had to say and I gotta tell you babe it made me feel small."

"Elliot…."

"She could've made our lives hell and she didn't."

"I know, babe."

"She let me go."

"Yeah."

"After five kids, twenty odd years of birthdays and Christmases she handled me leaving her with grace and dignity and more strength than I think either one of us ever gave her credit for." Sighing heavily Elliot realised the greater truth at the core of his previous marriage's demise, "It broke her heart but she gave me the one thing she knew I couldn't live without…." gazing down at Olivia with the fire of a love that would never die he smiled, "…. you."

"And I am grateful to her all of that but…."

"She could've let it get messy. She could've dragged the kids into it, stopped me having Eli here with you and our kids but she didn't. She played the game. She bent in ways I didn't even stop to think about. And I know that it's no more or less than a tonne of other mother's do for the sake of their kids but I guess at some point in all of this I stopped seeing her as a person. A person who's life I destroyed."

"Oh but babe, babe this is Eli we're talking about….." while she was absolutely prepared to credit Kathy with how well she handled the divorce it didn't stop Olivia staring with wide eyed overwhelming at how Elliot was going to deal with this kind of separation from his son, "…. and Chicago is a long, long way from New York."

"Yeah, yeah it is."

"I mean no matter how you spin it, it's a plane ride out of state. It's you only seeing him when school is out or we can get off work and go visit. Babe I think that we have to fight her on this. I think we need to think about whether we ask for some kind of custody arrangement where….."

"Olivia I love you for going there without hesitating. I really do, believe me. You didn't even stop to think before suggesting we fight for my kid and that really does mean more than you know but…."

"Of course, of _course_ we fight for him."

"But after cheating on her, after leaving her, divorcing her against her faith and marrying the partner she watched me fall in love with for twelve years…" shaking his head with the kind of helpless desperation only a father could feel Elliot croaked, "…. am I really gonna fight to take her son away from her?"

"El this is a horrible, horrible situation but if she's hell bent on leaving and you want to see Eli grow up the only other option than fighting for custody is….." and suddenly there it was, the previously unspoken crackled and sparked in the air between them as Olivia's face registered the final possibility with an open mouthed stare.

"Liv…"

"Okay I'm gonna need a minute…" scrambling up from her seat she folded her arms across her waist, holding herself as she closed her eyes and then opened them and exhaled, "…. because I can't even fit what you're suggesting into my head right now…."

"I am so sorry to put this on you."

"I'm going to take a walk…" forcing a strained smile she tried desperately to show him how she wasn't angry, she wasn't judging, she was just overwhelmed and unable to find words, "…. just let me process this a little and then we'll talk okay?"

* * *

"Hey."

"Fin, hey, how's it going?" stalling desperately Rachel knew the second she saw him standing on the doorstep of her mother's now empty apartment that she was about to kick a man when he was down.

"It's…. ya know….." rounding the shoulders of his casual suit jacket which, though very becoming, was not at all his style and that much was clear to Rachel in his awkwardly tense demeanour, "… it's going."

"They're beautiful….." she continued to delay the inevitable, gesturing with a bright smile to the stunning bouquet of winter blooms Fin almost forgot he was carrying, "…. my mom's favourites."

"She around?"

"You two haven't spoken have you?" nervously attempting to tame the springing corkscrew curls she cursed her mother for Rachel swallowed, "I wish she would've called you."

"I'm getting a weird vibe here." Said Fin, not enjoying one bit the uncomfortable dance they were engaged in.

"She's gone Fin."

"Gone….like….." he stumbled, remembering all the reasons this had seemed like a bad idea and feeling flush with the foolishness of his gesture.

"I guess LAPD wanted her there right away and she bumped up her flight. I thought she would've called you. I know she was going to, we talked about that. I'm so sorry."

"Nah, nah no big deal…." but his eyes and lost expression betrayed to her just how crushed he was behind a painfully forced smile and defensive shrug, "…. I just…. hey, hey do me a favour?"

"Sure, sure of course?"

"Don't tell her I was here."

"Fin…."

"Don't tell her I came….." insisting firmly Fin pushed, "… please? I'm asking you Rachel?"

"Okay, okay I won't but I think if she'd known…."

"You want some flowers?" cutting off the futile proffering of a 'what if' he simply smiled serenely, acceptingly, self-defensively at Melinda's daughter and held out the bouquet to her.

"You're a good guy Fin…." accepting them graciously Rachel settled on adding, "… she told me so all the time."

"You not heading out there with her then?"

"Yeah, yeah I've got another week before my new role starts so I'm gonna get a flight out by the end of the week."

"Travel safe."

"Fin…."

"Travel safe, Rachel." He finished, nodding with a courteous but final goodbye and turning on the heel of his dress shoes he walked away. He walked away.

"Cheekbones, hey, it's me."

"Hi….." came a faraway voice on the other end of the line as Fin crossed over the street on his way to the subway, "… everything alright?"

"I'm just….." flopping his head from one side to the other and bidding his voice not to break Fin struggled, "….say I know it's late but you don't wanna grab a beer or something do you? Coffee?"

"Fin you know I would it's just….." sinking a little deeper into the hot suds around her Olivia rolled her eyes to the tiled ceiling of her bathroom and exhaled, "….it's just really not a good time right now I'm sorry."

"Oh, oh sure, nah it's all good."

"I just really need to be here for El right now…" she couldn't leave, not tonight, not when just as soon as she summoned some energy it was already promised to her husband, "…. can we talk tomorrow? I'll be all yours then I promise."

"No worries, you do what you gotta do."

"You gonna be okay?"

"I'll be fine….." he nodded, holding a sigh and reassuring her, "… I'm gonna be just fine. Night, Liv."

"Night, Fin."

* * *

"How you doing?"

"I'm okay…." and Elliot could hear in her voice and see in her eyes that she meant it, while the waters around them continued to rise Olivia was holding her ground.

"Good."

"Hey, so if I move into that tub on a permanent basis will you bring me snacks?" stroking his face on her way past the sofa to the kitchen Olivia smiled, "Check on me every now and then to see I'm still alive?"

"An enable an addict?" smirked Elliot, catching her hand and kissing it. The stony expression of misery he had maintained for the previous couple of hours cracked at the sight of her fresh faced and glowing after a long soak and he felt his spirits lift. Clearing the magazines and snack packets from around him on the couch he made space for her and waited as she clunked around in the kitchen.

"Heads up….." smiled Olivia, wandering over in her bathrobe carrying two steaming mugs of coffee, "… they're spiked."

"What with?" taking his mug from her as she curled her feet up under herself and settled in beside him Elliot sighed heavily, "Arsenic?"

"What am I Lady Macbeth?"

"I figured it's been that kind of day."

"We're down, we're not out Stabler….." she told him, without hesitation, before explaining, "…. and no, no I cracked open that bottle of Bailey's the kids got me for Christmas."

"Hey!" he protested with far more outrage than she had imagined he would. "That's not okay!"

"Oh don't be so dramatic they're too little to realise. I promise I'll be Oscar worthy in my surprise and delight come Christmas morning and they won't know any different."

"But I will….." he grumbled grouchily, nervous that she might have uncovered any one of his other planned surprises, "….you don't get to go poking around at this time of year. It's not very festive. Santa doesn't like Grinches."

"Hey, buddy, if Santa just got told his stepson was moving to Illinois he'd need a drink!" she scoffed dismissively, shaking her head and raking back damp hair from her face with a laugh.

"What'd you say?" asked Elliot, his jaw a little slack as he looked to her and she failed to understand his stunned expression.

"Are you defending Santa's morals or worrying about me drinking? Because either way I assure you….."

"I….." figuring he must've heard wrong, that he was projecting his idealistic view of their evolving family on her he trailed off, "…. nah, nah forget it."

"El?" she tested, taking several generous gulps of her creamy, liquor laced drink. "Why'd you go weird?"

"Stepson?" he asked, every part of him liquefying to a molten mess of love for her as she responded as only Olivia could.

"Oh….." she shrugged, lifting her eyes to his and testing his reaction to her genuinely unthinking tongue slip, "….that."

"Yeah, that…" he nodded slowly, just staring at her for several long moments.

"So I was running it all back and forth in my head while I was soaking and I think that what we need to do is sit Kathy down. We need a conversation, babe."

"Liv there are a lot of things I don't say often enough to you but the main one….." holding a breath, and a heartbeat Elliot choked with a clumsy candour, "…. is thank you."

"We're gonna figure this out El….." as he acknowledged his appreciation with a kiss Olivia added determinedly, "… all of it."

"Woah….." he balked, on tasting his first sip of his coffee, "… mama wasn't kidding about the hooch."

"Too much?" she smirked.

"Nah, nah it tastes great but….." laughing fondly he stroked her thigh, "… just don't operate any heavy machinery or get in a car for a week or so okay?"

"I was actually thinking that maybe we could take these to bed with us and…."

"Are you trying to get me drunk and take advantage of me Mrs Stabler?"

"You want me to?" she asked, openly putting the idea out there and fully prepared to react with casual grace if he didn't.

"You know it's not quite as sexy when the wife has to carry her husband into the bedroom….." and there was suddenly a sting of bitter in their sweet, and she lost his eyes to the carpet, "… so right off the bat it's not exactly an ideal…."

"Elliot is that really how little you think of me?" she smarted, turning the situation completely on its head and stunning him accordingly. Shooting his eyes back up to hers he shook his head rapidly.

"No, no I…."

"That having to help you into bed would be a deal breaker? That I'm so shallow I can't see past the chair to my husband behind it?" taking another gulp and then setting her mug down on the coffee table she turned to him in her fury, "Because I actually think that we are _damn lucky_ we can even think about having sex at all! I've been reading a lot lately and do you realise that most people with your injuries lose a hell of a lot more than the use of their legs?"

"God you're magnificent when you're angry."

"Your doctor says you can screw your wife, your wife says you can screw your wife….." punching him lightly in the shoulder because she was so overwhelmingly compelled to hit him Olivia cried mutedly, "… so are you gonna be an asshole or are you gonna screw your damn wife Elliot!"

"Wow."

"Yeah, yeah, no there was _a lot_ of Bailey's in those coffees."

"I'm not going to _screw my damn wife_, babe, that's not….." twisting his face at the disrespectful notion he refused to associate with her, and then moving swiftly past it he added, "…. and we're probably gonna leave these coffees where they are because frankly you're a little frightening right now."

"I'm not wrong though. I'm right…" she insisted, her cheeks lightly flushed from the alcohol and the way he was suddenly looking at her, "…. I _am_ right aren't I?"

"Yes, yes you are absolutely right….." he smiled, reaching for her face with both hands and dragging her lips to his, "… and I love you very much."

"So you wanna….."

"Hell yes."


	36. Now Life Has Killed The Dream I Dreamed

"You awake?"

When no reply came through the cosy warmth of early morning Elliot smiled to himself. Turning his cheek to the pillow he settled his eyes on the back of his sleeping wife's head and reached out a hand, stroking lightly at her bare shoulder and realising all over again just how lucky he was. There had been moments, many of them, where he had dreamed of this. Stolen glances across the squad room, standing just that little bit too close over a computer, the way arriving at work each morning to find her already sat at her desk felt more like coming home than leaving at the end of the day ever did.

"Hey, hey Liv….." kissing at the nape of her neck he remembered all the faith and self-assurance that had flooded back to him as they'd made love for the first time since the accident the previous evening, "…. so last night was pretty great, huh?"

"Ummhmm…." came a reluctant murmur, and smirking he acknowledged.

"Okay, okay I get it you're not awake. Only I was thinking maybe when you are….." it was only when he slid an arm around her that he noticed the satin covering her warm skin, "….hey, when did you put clothes on?"

"Don't….." she flinched, jolting him fully awake as she pushed his hand from her hip and rolled over.

"What wrong….." and then there it was, her reason for reluctance grinning up at him with a gummy smile and his mother's cheekbones, "…. oh, oh I see. Hi there, little guy."

"I didn't want him to wake Evie."

"You want me to take him?"

"No, no I want you to keep doing what you were doing….." looking over her shoulder she fished for his hand, drawing it around her waist until his strong arm encircled her from behind, "… just in a snuggly, mommy and daddy love each other but don't do weird things with me in the bed kind of way."

"So I'm gonna call Kath in a bit, arrange to meet her."

"Okay."

"You still okay to come with me?" he tested, knowing just how much he wanted her there but equally how difficult a situation it would be for her.

"Babe we gotta figure this one out. We've got too much at stake here to let Kathy haul you're your son over stateliness let alone out to the Midwest. This is my fight too and not just because of Eli. If she goes through with this it changes our lives too."

"I know."

"And I've been lying here thinking about all the ways and all the possibilities ….." rolling over so she could look at him as she spoke Olivia tucked Sam into the crook of her arm and snuggled him reassuringly, as though he might understand what she was saying, "…. but you know what I can't figure? A way around this."

"She could not go."

"But say that isn't an option, are we seriously saying that we'd fight for custody of Eli? Because if we are then okay, let's talk about it, but we need to be damn sure. That isn't something you throw out there as a hollow threat today and then regret tomorrow. If we tell Kathy that's something we'd pursue it can't be to blackmail her into staying it has to be because we're fully prepared to do it."

"You really have thought about this haven't you?" it wasn't that he was was surprised, just deeply touched.

"Babe what happens now, what happens next, the decisions we're looking at having to make?" exhaling with the sheer enormity of their reality Olivia acknowledged, "This is a crossroads, El. It's the moment we decide what the rest of our kids' lives are going to look like."

"Yeah, yeah I know."

"We gotta get this right, we gotta nail how we handle this because their childhoods will be shaped by how we play the cards we're holding right now."

"I trust us, well, I trust the better half of us…" doting shamelessly on her he slid his arm under Olivia's shoulders and pulled both her and Sam into his chest, "…. as long as our kids have you as their mom they'll survive having me as their dad."

* * *

"Lean over more! Further! I can't get your whole face in!"

"If I lean over any further I'll fall in!" cried Georgia, hollering against the wind as it ruffled threw her newly coiffed hair. In the spirit of her East Coast adventure she had had her long blonde layers cut into a daring pixie crop that danced edgy bangs around freshly sparkling blue eyes. "Did you get one? I can't keep smiling! My jaw aches!"

"It looks good to me….." beamed Rachel, squinting against the winter sunlight to inspect the photograph she'd taken before handing her new friend the camera, "…. check you like it."

"God I can't even believe it..." her smile was electric, it radiated a youthful desire to go places and experience things, "…. kid from Tacoma did good, huh?"

"So you'd really never been out of state before?" asked Rachel, the blonde's life so vastly different from the one Melinda had gifted her with. She had travelled up and down the East Coast as a child, and through college had seen places Georgia had only dreamed off in photographs. "I mean other than when you were born I guess."

"Hey, hey Washington isn't so bad. We got a lot of green, a lot of trees, it's a beautiful place. You wouldn't even believe how alive you feel there sometimes."

"Somewhere you feel more alive than New York City?" smiled Rachel, amused. "I find that hard to believe."

"There's no real air here!" came the liberated laugh of a girl who, despite the city smog, was finally felt herself for the first time, "But I gotta admit for all the wide open space back home I don't think I've ever felt as free as I do here."

"So what else is on this bucket list of yours? We've done Staten Island, we've done the Statue of Liberty, we've done the Empire State…" running through the list Rachel failed to notice the layers beneath Georgia's proclamation of freedom, "…anything else you still want to do?"

"I think we're getting pretty close to done….." said Georgia, stepping up onto the railings and leaning just a little too far out so as to feel the thrill of danger and closing her eyes against the wind, "…. I just wish I felt ready to leave this place."

"I guess this trip didn't quite turn out how you'd planned?"

"No, no not quite…." looking down at Rachel, and staring just long enough to make her feel curiously tense Georgia smiled, "… but it's not been all bad."

"No?"

"No I mean the city is amazing and I've had a great time and met some….." dropping down from the railing a little closer to Rachel than intended Georgia swallowed a bubble of air and almost choked on it, "… really awesome people."

"So when are you thinking you'll head back home?" though in reality it mattered little since she herself would soon be leaving New York, it still saddened Rachel to realise another end was beginning.

"I don't know that it….." suddenly unbearably sad Georgia allowed her eyes to drift off over Rachel's shoulder to the horizon beyond, "…. that it will even feel like home anymore."

"Georgia?"

"I'm not who they want me to be."

"But they know about Amanda right? I mean they were the ones that told you…."

"Yeah, no, that wasn't really what I meant….." returning her eyes to Rachel's face she soaked in the warm caramel of her skin and the depth of her brown eyes and felt her pulse quicken, realising that it wasn't just the city that had brought her to life, "… do you ever…. do you ever feel like you've been wandering around with your eyes closed?"

"No, no I can't say that I…."

"But it's kind of okay because you don't know any different. Only once you open them and you see all these colours and shapes and possibilities the thought of going back to the darkness is….." laughing at herself, how unlike the girl she left behind she now sounded Georgia gasped "….my mom always said you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, you know?"

"I'm not sure I do…." as Rachel reached to push a handful of wayward curls behind her ears her arm inadvertently grazed Georgia's, and before she knew it the blonde had seized her hand.

"Rachel am I insane or….." clutching Rachel's palm like a crux Georgia threw herself off the cliff and into the yawning vastness of the unknown, leaning forward with an awkward, hasty determination and pressing her lips boldly against the brunette's.

"What the hell!" was neither the reaction she had imagined, nor in her heart of heart's hoped for, as Rachel stepped back with a stupefied dismay. "Where did that come from?"

"I just thought….." suddenly the ferry was a tiny rowboat, and there wasn't nearly enough room in it.

"Well you thought wrong…" and then, a little too earnestly Rachel repeated doggedly, "… you thought wrong."

* * *

"You left me, Elliot!"

"Oh Kath…." sighed Elliot, lowering his head into his hands as, well into the second hour of their crisis summit, they were still no closer to a resolution. Nursing her now cold cup of coffee Olivia held her tongue.

"What the hell do I have left?" came the strangled cry from the rapidly aging face of Kathy Stabler. "I am forty four years old and I feel like my life is over!"

"That is so not…."

"I live in a house that is just memories and ghosts and it's lonely. I am lonely. I dedicated my whole life to raising your babies and supporting your career and I loved every minute of it. I really did. I don't regret it. I won't ever resent it, but I have to let it go. I have to move on and find out what my life can be when I'm no longer your wife. And I can't do that while I'm living in this house, in this city, in this world that used to be ours; together. I need a fresh start where I can just be Kathy: divorcée and single mom."

"You won't ever be a single mom Kath and you know that."

"Elliot listen to her…." entreated Olivia softly, reaching to his arm and stroking the sleeve of his shirt as Kathy watched on with a sad acceptance that the woman who was once her adversary was now her ally.

"You can visit whenever you like. He can come out to New York whenever he's not in school and I can afford to send him. He _loves _his little half-brother and sister and it's so good for him to have them around."

"But how can I be a father to him when he's a million miles away?" protested Elliot, stuck on the same superseding fact.

"I'm not pretending this is going to be easy. I'm not saying that it's perfect, that it's the ideal situation for any of us but it is the best I can do. This is happening, Elliot. What I'm asking you to do is work with me for the sake of our son."

"I can't…."

"I let you go, El and you married Olivia and made a new life…" added Kathy with a quiet, desperate beseeching, "…. now you need to let _me_ go and do the same."

"I'm sorry but I gotta…" shoving his wheelchair backward with some force he navigated his way clumbsily across his old kitchen and exclaimed, "…. I'm gonna get some air."

"You alright, babe?" it was with such casual, intimate ease that she called him that, thought Kathy. In her new state of resigned acceptance she was able to see them in a new light, and to acknowledge the obvious depth of love and mutual reliance between them. "You need help?"

"Thanks, I got it." Said Elliot, already halfway down the hall.

"So…."

"Yeah….." nodded Olivia, unconsciously twisting at her wedding bands as she sat opposite Kathy in the room which had once been the nucleus of the Stabler family.

"My kids adore you Olivia."

"Oh… well…. I….."

"I talk to Katie and Lizzie and they talk about you. They talk about you a lot and with the kind of respect not many women would manage to gain from the children of their husband's first marriage. It speaks volumes to your character Olivia."

"Kathy I have no right to weigh in on how you and Elliot choose to parent your son. That isn't my place."

"It's a grey area is what it is. Welcome to being the second wife." Though he domestic role had kept it well concealed Kathy Stabler was a shrewd woman, and she was far from naïve of the role Olivia would come to play in her son's life.

"What I can speak to however is what you know already….." lowering her eyes and then, lifting them with a steely poise Olivia added, "… and that is that you will _break _Elliot's _heart _if you take Eli to Chicago."

"Like he broke mine marrying you?" she did not suffer fools gladly, noted Olivia with a steady nod. It made her impossibly likable.

"I guess I deserved that….." she conceded, as the two women forged fragile new alliances of understanding and reciprocal respect.

"It wasn't me sticking the knife in Olivia. I moved past angry a long time ago and that isn't what this is about. I'm not doing this to hurt Elliot or to spite you. It isn't revenge it's healing. Can't you understand that? Can you at least try?"

"I'm am trying to understand how you can do this to him Kathy, really I am."

"What I need for you to understand is that I can't _not_ do this."

"Is there a difference?"

"It isn't about doing it _to_ Elliot, it's about doing it _for _me. Maybe the first thing I've done for myself in a long, long time. You're a wife and a mother now, you know what that looks like."

"Yeah." Said Olivia, though in truth she wasn't sure she could fully comprehend the idea. Though initially she had been the one making all the compromises since Elliot had left Kathy for her there really hadn't been that many occasions on which she'd hadn't gotten her way. So often their fights, despite Elliot's initial protest, would end in him bending to her will and not the other way around. She had not thought about it until that moment as Kathy looked at her as though she were reading her mind.

"I fought for over a decade to hang onto my husband. It was okay at first, I could pretend it wasn't there: I could live in denial. I might have been the dowdy housewife who cooked his meals and did his laundry compared to the beautiful, daring detective he ran around the city fighting crime with but he came home to me. He was my husband and I just kept clinging to that. Only as time went on it got harder and harder not to see that every day he was falling a little bit more in love with you."

"Kathy…."

"He chose _you_. You won. You got what you always wanted and so did he. At the end of the story the 'will they won't they' detectives finally get together and live happily ever after…" shaking her head with the kind of bitterness she was too exhausted to hold onto any longer Kathy yelped, "… but what about **me** Olivia?"

"I…"

"I had dreams too….." she was crying now, the most beautifully silent and submissive tears Olivia had ever witnessed and despite her strengths she realised Kathy was weak in ways she had never been and would never let herself become, "…. he wasn't the only one who sacrificed."

"Kathy….."

"You've made him happier in two years than I did in twenty Olivia."

"I'll talk to him."

"I…."

"I'll talk to him and we'll….." realising she had been wrong, and gravely so Olivia smiled with empathy and assured, "… we'll find a way to make this work: for all of us."

* * *

"I didn't know where else to go."

"Georgia, hey, hey that's okay….." soothed Fin, finding Amanda's daughter rain drenched and trembling on his doorstep, "… come in, come on in, you're frozen!"

"It's raining."

"Yah, yeah I got that."

"I lied."

"Okay."

"I didn't come here to find Amanda. Oh, well, I mean I did but I didn't _just_ come because of that."

"You wanna take that sweater off before we get all into this?" asked Fin, sensing that wherever they were about to go they might be staying there long enough for her to contract some kind of hypothermia before she dried out. "I'll get you something else to throw on."

"Thanks."

"Keep talking…." he instructed, heading into his bedroom and rooting around for a clean hoodie while she lingered in the doorway and shifted her weight between feet, "… no really, use your words kid."

"I wasn't making it up when I said I have great parents. I do, really. They're sweet and kind and generous and they really did make me believe they would support me no matter what."

"You telling me your parents don't you know you're here?" tossing her a giant NYPD hoodie that on her slight frame was more like a dress Fin grumbled. "Does Seattle PD come to that? I don't want them on my ass for harbouring a fugitive."

"I didn't commit a crime! But yeah, yeah they all know I'm here and my parents are fine with it. They were the ones who told me about her and they totally get why I would want to come here and meet her. I mean I don't think they're crazy about the idea but I'm adult and they've always been super great about letting me figure things out for myself."

"I gotta tell you kid it sounds like you won the parent lottery."

"Yeah, yeah I did."

"Only that ain't really the face of someone who hit the jackpot….." as the pair wandered back into the living room Fin continued into the kitchen and flicked on the coffee machine, "…. coffee?"

"Please."

"So these parents who support you doing what you gotta do and being who you gotta be…."

"That's the…." choking on her reply Georgia took a moment before explaining, "… you see, as it turns out…."

"What you trying to telling me?" asked Fin, growing frustrated. "Cos I gotta tell you if you and me are gonna be friends you gotta know I ain't a fan of riddles. Lay it out or suck it up."

"I tried to keep quiet. My high school was _that _high school. It was fine in college because no one knew me and I could be whoever I wanted to be, who I really am. Only then after four years I came home and it was like I was trying to pack myself back into a space I just couldn't fit into anymore. There wasn't enough room. I couldn't breathe."

"I think a lot of kids feel that after….."

"I'm gay Fin."

"Huh."

"I like girls and they think I'm an abomination."

"Oh doll….." he sighed, shaking his head and suddenly understanding all her gracelessness that much better, "…. that just isn't true."

"It is for them."

"They're wrong."

"They're my parents!" she cried, no longer caring that she was alone in the apartment of a relative stranger. Only that she had told him her deepest truth and he was still able to look her dead in the eye.

"You gotta give them time Georgia." He was no hypocrite, and he remembered all too well that he had not been initially all embracing of Ken's coming out.

"I was daddy's little girl my whole life and now when I walk into a room he walks out. I went from being his biggest joy to his biggest disappointment and all I did was tell the truth. All I did was be the same person I'd always been only he didn't know….."

"People are only human, doll. I know it's hard, believe me I know. Only sometimes you gotta realise that just because people become parents it doesn't make them any better of a person than they were before. They can be _just_ as slow to do the right thing."

"I thought maybe the answer was here in New York. That everything would be so perfect, so easy. I dreamed up this crazy idea that maybe the reason they reacted the way they did was because they were right. Maybe _their_ daughter isn't gay but maybe _her _daughter was…" with the overly long sleeves of her hoodie fallen way down over her hands Georgia used one of them as a handkerchief and broke Fin's heart with the hiccoughing sniffle of a lost little girl, "…. but then I got here and it was too late and now I'll never know."

"It's not too late."

"She's dead."

"She would've been so proud of you. All of you: every inch."

"Everything made sense and now _nothing_ does…" she sighed, rolling hot teary eyes and feeling as though they might fall clean out of her head, "… oh God, look at me! I'm a mess, I'm so sorry! I don't even know why I came here I just don't know anyone else in the city and then I screwed up with Rachel and…."

"Hey, hey stop wiping your snotty nose on my sweater….." instructed Fin with a gruff smile, stepping forward and clumsily patting at Georgia's shoulders and without too much thought asking, "…. look this may be weird and you can say no, but I'm gonna head south for Amanda's funeral and if you wanted to tag along then…."

"Really?" the word came out as a shudder of syllables as Georgia rolled up the billowing sleeves to her elbows and flashed him a little of Peach's smile. "I mean it is kind of weird. I don't know you. I've never been to the Georgia though so that could be kind of….."

"Sure you have….." and as their trip together was confirmed Fin smiled warmly, "… you were born there."

* * *

"You reckon we can get a king in here?"

"Are you kidding me?" asked Olivia, eyeing the space Elliot was attempting to measure and within three seconds ascertaining. "You could land a 747 in there with room to spare, babe."

"I tell you what how about you take measurements and I'll text Alex photos instead, huh?"

"Shut up…." waving a dismissive hand as Elliot flashed her a disapproving smirk Olivia defended herself with such determined poise it was strangely compelling, "….let's not pretend it isn't going to be me remodelling this place. I can't see you getting overly invested in colour charts and soft furnishings."

"Oh God you're gonna turn out to be a throw pillow person aren't you?" with an exaggerated grimace and dramatic eye roll Elliot wheeled himself out of the bedroom. "And I thought I knew you Olivia."

"If you don't wind your neck in I'm gonna be the kind of person who throws things a damn sight heavier than pillows at her pain in the ass husband."

"I'm gonna put a baseball diamond in your yard."

"I'm gonna kick your ass."

"Okay you gotta come see this….."

"I'm measuring for the refrigerator you're getting for Christmas."

"I don't want a refrigerator for Christmas…." protested Elliot half-heartedly, resigning himself to the fact he would have no say whatsoever in the decorating of the house and caring relatively little about it, "… but I'm serious, get over here. Trust me it's worth it."

"I think Santa might also get you a garbage disposal. I hate what it says about me that I've always secretly wanted one but….."

"Liv!"

"Okay, okay I'm coming!" setting her pad of paper and pen down on the counter in a kitchen she was already picturing herself cooking meals in Olivia wandered into the living room.

"Check it out…." as she came to stand beside him Elliot gestured out of the window to where Evie and Sam were chasing each other around the yard, in and out of trees, tumbling on the snow dusted grass and cackling euphorically, "… look at 'em run."

"They will never stop being the best thing I ever did….." said Olivia, taking him quite aback by the startlingly raw statement as she stared in wonder at their children and then catching herself smiled, "… well I suppose you helped a little."

"A very little….." he shrugged honestly, finding one small virtue in being in his chair was the way her hand was always within grabbing distance, "… most of it was you."

"I can't lie and say I don't like the idea of raising our chickens free range."

"Did you just compare our kids to poultry?"

"Look at 'em run, babe….." she echoed, looking down and finding his eyes, "….look at them run."

"This place is perfect. God bless the Captain."

"It checks a lot of boxes….." she replied, with a slow noncommittal nod, "… that's for sure."

"We can make a good life here, babe. I can see birthday parties in that yard. We'd have a real Christmas tree like you've always wanted. It could go right there next to the flat screen TV I could have in the corner…." and then as she shot him a withering look he quickly added, "… but that would _not_ be a top priority. Let's go back to talking about your Christmas tree."

"Christmas would be amazing here, it really would. So would ever other holiday come to that. I mean there's a porch. Who has a porch in New York?"

"Have you been living in Manhattan or under a rock?"

"It is a beautiful house and we _could_ make a good life here….." as her purse slid from her shoulders it jolted both of them the way her words did, "… but we could make a good life anywhere."

"Yeah, yeah maybe but…" then seeing something in her eyes, something strange but familiar he swallowed, "… nah, nah Liv…."

"He's your little boy….." she shrugged, running a hand through her hair and bringing it all down to the one thing they couldn't shy away from, "… he's your _son_ Elliot."

"No, no I can't ask you that."

"I know you can't…" she nodded slowly, her eyes pricking with tears as the fairytale around her began to fade, "….and I know you never would."

"Have you really thought about this? I mean _really _thought it through? This house is your dream house, your job is here, your friends are here: your life is here Olivia."

"There'll be other houses, there'll be other jobs….." holding his hand tight she sighed decidedly, "…..what there won't be is a second chance to watch Eli grow up."

"This is your home."

"You're my home."

"Liv….."

"We're moving to Chicago, babe…" she nodded resolutely, with all the intricacies, all the complexities, all the resilient strength and beauty that made her the best thing in his life culminating in a wry smile and a ironic fist pump, "…. go Cubs!"


	37. Roots Before Branches

_**This chapter turned out to be quite epic in length but I felt like it deserved to stay untrimmed. Foundations are being laid and actions explained and I think it also sets the scene for where all of the characters are going. Hope you agree. Thank you all so much for all your wonderful reviews, thoughtful comments, continued reading. It is greatly appreciated :)** _

* * *

"It would've been so easy for her to just shut down. All the shit she went through, all the times people let her down, all the times life let her down, most people would have but she didn't. She kept open, kept trusting, kept caring for people even when she got nothing in return. She told me once that she fell in love too easily and she made it sound like a bad thing but it wasn't. It was what made her so real."

"Her sister seems like she's got a lot going on." Said Georgia, because as beautiful and tender as Fin's words were she found it hard to connect with the mother she had never known.

"Who Kim?" snorted Fin, shaking his head and sighing with a censorious sadness. "She's a car wreck. Always has been from what I can tell. She's like a leech that sucked every bit of life Peach built for herself right away again. Not out of spite, well, at least not always. She just didn't have the same strength her sister did I suppose."

"I ran into her in the bathroom after the funeral…" confessed Georgia, who had attended as Fin's plus one and decided not to disclose her true identity, "….getting high."

"I wish I was could pretend to be surprised."

"Fin those people aren't my family."

"No?" he asked, smiling with a gentle, open willingness to hear her. "You weren't feeling it?"

"Amanda she's the exception, not the rule. Most people don't get out the way she did. Most people from small town Georgia don't wind up being big shot detectives in New York."

"I guess not."

"I was nervous to go there because I thought maybe I'd meet her family and wish I was a part of them. I'd resent her giving me away because I didn't get to grow up in that world. I thought that place and those people might feel like home and where I belonged but they didn't."

"No?"

"There wasn't a drop of sincerity in any word that came out of her parents' mouth at that funeral."

"Yeah, yeah you got that too huh….." laughed Fin sadly, having now witnessed first-hand the totally lack of grip Amanda's parents had on reality and their own lives, "…. those two idiots couldn't raise a smile let alone two children."

"You know I studied social work in college and I didn't believe a word of anything I read on adoption. It was all theory and it seemed so idealistic. Young mothers giving up their babies to those better emotionally and financially equipped to give them a better life. I thought that coming here I'd prove it all to be some textbook cliché totally detached from emotion and reality but…." shrugging with a newfound, if a little regretful sense of peace Georgia sighed, "…. it turns out they might be onto something. Turns out my life might be a cliché in the best possible way."

"You sure you're only twenty one, kid?"

"Watching Kim Rollins shooting up in a public bathroom was like going through the looking glass. Like getting a tiny peek into the life that most likely would've been mine. She was just a scared kid but Amanda knew where the road would lead and even though it meant I never got to meet her I'm _glad _she did what she did."

"You're her dream come true you know? It's just goddamn brutal that she didn't get to see how good you turned out."

"And what about you?" asked Georgia, having studied enough psychology and seen enough of the world to know that there had been no period at the end of the very long sentence that had been Fin's relationship with Amanda. "You don't talk about her much."

"Humph."

"I know that things between the two of you weren't always easy."

"And how'd you know that Nancy Drew?" he smirked, before realising she was probably too young to appreciate the reference. "Nah, nah we were good. We cared a lot about each other."

"She was in love with you….." said Georgia, before adding softly, "…. wasn't she?"

"It was….." swallowing hard Fin turned away as they sat together on the gas station steps and sighed, "… complicated."

"Were you in love with her?" it was in Georgia's innate ability to read people, and between the lines of what they wouldn't or couldn't say that lead Fin to believe she would be every bit as good a detective as Amanda one day. "Or is that why you won't let yourself grieve?"

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing I said too much."

"I thought I was….." he confessed, not having said as much even to Olivia, "…. for a while but…."

"It's okay you don't have to talk about it. Especially not to me."

"I kept waiting for it to feel…I dunno... there was just always something…. she needed someone on her side, she needed someone to take care of _her_ for a change."

"Yeah."

"And I'm not saying there wasn't an…" bashful beyond his usual self-assurance in this one matter alone Fin came as close as he ever would to coy and sighed, "… attraction. There was."

"Rachel told me about you and her mom….." chewing on her bottom lip and effectively slicing straight to the core of Fin's conflicted guilt Georgia added hesitantly, "…. was she one of the somethings?"

"Nah, nah she…" giving it up, giving up, letting go, Fin's tired brown eyes could no longer deny the tide and turning his back on Georgia he quietly dissolved, "…. just gimme a second."

"It's okay….." hesitating a moment Georgia held out a hand, hovering it an inch above Fin's shoulder before finally setting it there and adding quietly, "… it's okay."

"She's gone…." came a gruff, mournful choke from the bear like man she could have easily believed to be unbreakable, "…. one minute she was just there, just Peach, just the same as ….. and then….."

"I know…" nodding slowly there came a realisation in Georgia that her mother's heart lay not in the state she had named her for, but in the one in which Amanda had fallen in love with this man she now sat beside. New York, not Georgia, was where Amanda had been the most alive.

"We should hit the road."

"We don't have to, not yet…" said Georgia, her hand still firmly on his shoulder, "…we can just sit here a while. If you want to, that is?"

"Peach meant the world to me…" reluctantly turning to face Amanda's daughter and finding comfort in her familiar smile Fin sighed, "… and I miss her like crazy."

"Tell me about her."

"Huh?" sniffing staunchly, his heart dragging with all that he had until that moment denied himself feeling Fin puzzled. "What d'ya wanna know?"

"I dunno, anything. When did you first meet her? What music did she like? What did you two do together? I couldn't even tell you her favourite colour….." and suddenly it mattered so much less to Fin that he define his relationship with Amanda, as Georgia casually stated, "…but you knew her better than anyone in the world."

* * *

"You have _got_ to be kidding me?"

"Do I look like I'm kidding?" asked Olivia, opening a packet of raisins for Eve and instructing her not to feed them to her brother.

"Why?"

"Because he's not a big girl like you and he can't…."

"He's not a girl he's a _boy_….." and then staring up at her mother with such perfect, pursed lipped incredulity Eve exclaimed, "… silly Mommy!"

"Oh my God could she get any cuter?" laughed Alex, pushing her glasses up her nose and quietly wondering if she would ever have children of her own. Only, she bargained with the world, if they were as charming and emergently smart as Olivia's first born.

"Her new favourite word is 'why' and everything has to have a justification….." shooing her daughter back toward the fortress she had cajoled Sam into helping her build Olivia chuckled fondly, "…. and it's exhausting."

"Liv have you even begun to wrap your head around what moving to Chicago will mean?" asked Alex, when the children were contentedly playing once more. "Your whole life is here in New York."

"People relocate all the time for all kinds of reasons. It's really not that big of a deal."

"Okay well I beg to differ on so many….." sensing she ought to start with something tangible Alex changed her line of questioning, "…. so you don't want to be part of this new super squad then? You'd be first in line for promotion and a combined SVU and homicide unit is huge."

"Huge and supremely ineffective…." scoffed Olivia, despairing at the very notion of NYPD's proposed solution to the devastation of the 16th precinct, "…. it's the single most ridiculous idea I've ever heard, but it's not my problem anymore. They can merge Manhattan SVU with computer crimes for all I care."

"Well now that's not true for a start, you care more about SVU than anyone I know!"

"Maybe at one time but….."

"Olivia be serious. Those guys wouldn't know a rape kit from a chemistry set and you know it! I don't care what Munch says they're a bunch of hot headed, target driven Neanderthals who are used to their victims being past tense."

"It is what it is."

"There isn't a single detective in homicide who can breathe life back into victims the way you can."

"Did you invite me over just to yell at me or?" prickled Olivia, not caring in the least for the direction the conversation was taking. "I'm starting to feel like I'm on trial here Alex."

"I know you think you're doing the right thing, darling."

"I know I am."

"Do you?" challenged Alex, feeling that their friendship was strong enough for her to push and stretch the boundaries and to really confront Olivia with her decision. "Or is it the wrong thing for the right reasons?"

"Alex even if the 1-6 wasn't a building site, even if it wasn't a graveyard, I couldn't go back to that job."

"New York is your home."

"That team we built? That life we had? That moment….." shaking her head sadly Olivia met Alex's eyes and lost all power in her voice, "…. it's gone."

"I know how terribly sad you still are about everything and with damn good reason. We're all hurting. It's still raw. You're still mourning Cragen and grieving all that you lost and…."

"It's time to move on Alex."

"Move on or escape?"

"That isn't fair."

"Did I touch a nerve?" challenged the blonde, her voice so calm and gentle it betrayed her cutting accusation. One that did indeed strike a chord in Olivia that she found it hard to keep from registering on her face. "Is this really a selfless, noble gesture to allow Elliot to be near his son?"

"I…."

"Or do you just think that dealing with the pain of what happened is going to be easier in the Midwest than it is here in Manhattan?"

"I'm not that naïve, idealistic rookie detective who thinks she can change the world anymore. Not everyone can be helped, not everyone can be saved, and nine times out of ten the good guys don't win. We didn't win, Alex. We lost…" running her index finger around the rim of her coffee mug Olivia swallowed grimly and whispered, "… we lost everything."

"The Benson I know isn't a quitter; she doesn't bail when things get tough."

"They didn't get tough they got unbearable!"

"When the hell did you get so damn cynical?"

"When did I….." gasping exasperatedly Olivia shook her head and knitted her brows, "….when a seventeen year old boy walked into Cragen's office and blew himself up: _that's_ when I got so damn cynical!"

"You're running away Olivia!"

"Screw you!" getting up from her chair and clearing away their empty mugs and plates Olivia stalked into Alex's kitchen and began to wash them up in her sink. She wasn't really going anywhere. She wasn't really angry, just bruised.

"I'm sorry…" came a soft voice from the doorway as Alex wandered in with Sam grinning on her hip, "…. that was out of order and I apologise."

"You're fine….." came the sighing forgiveness her friend didn't even need but that she acknowledged with a smile anyway, "…. your honesty is brutal but grudgingly appreciated."

"I am going to _miss you _Liv….." there was a greater reality to leaving, and hit Olivia like a tonne of bricks as she saw the misty eyed sadness in Alex's eyes, "… more than you know."

"Oh Alex…." she murmured, as the blonde attorney doted on her son.

"But let's not talk about this anymore, huh baby boy? We've come to tell Mommy that her presence is required in Evie's fort haven't we…" smiling brightly and pushing aside their adult problems, for the children's fun Alex added wryly, "… she was _very _insistent."

"She was?" twisting her lips to a knowing smirk Olivia followed them out of the kitchen and rolled her eyes fondly, "I'm shocked; that doesn't sound like my daughter at all."

* * *

"Oh that's good, yeah, yeah right there….." throwing her head back and covering his hands with her hair as they expertly manipulated the knots her in her shoulders Olivia groaned, "…. oh sweet mother of….. you are _good_ Stabler."

"You wanna see me make it to the TV and back?"

"No, no I do not."

"Hey!"

"Can you look me in the eye and tell me you haven't already done twice as much walking today as Donna told you was okay?" challenged Olivia, keeping a watchful eye on Elliot's rehab and being the voice of reason that reigned in his blind determination to walk again. "Right, no, I didn't think so. You can show me tomorrow."

"Yes m'am."

"Shut up and keep rubbing."

"What am I your cabana boy?"

"Hey babe, so here's a thing…" ignoring his protest she scrolled further down the page she was browsing on the laptop nestled atop her crossed legs and chewed on her lip, "… real estate in Chicago is surprisingly expensive."

"Yeah?" he asked, leaning over her shoulder from behind and kissing at her neck as he did so. "What we talking?"

"We gotta get a really great price for Cragen's house….." leaning sideways to retrieve her glass of red from the coffee table she took a long gulp and swallowed it down with her apprehension, "…. or we're gonna need to be carrying while we take the trash out."

"You gonna leave your views on civilian gun ownership behind in New York?" he teased darkly. "Look it won't come to that. We're not that desperate we have to live in the 'hood."

"No, no if we can shift the house here we'll be fine. We might also need to be armed, but we'll be fine, we will."

"You wanna try that once more with feeling?" he asked quietly, resting his chin on her shoulder and feeling suddenly unbearably sad.

"Is that me buzzing?" looking around for the source of the vibration she shoved her glass at him and lurched forward to retrieve her cell phone from the sofa arm. "Unknown number at this time of night?"

"You expecting a call?"

"No…" shrugging her shoulders Olivia held the phone to her ear and answered it, "….Stabler?"

"That will _never_ get old….." grinned Elliot, falling back into the couch and sighing contentedly.

"Yeah, yeah I can do that…nine thirty….. sure, sure not a problem I'll be there….. okay, see you then."

"Someone interesting?" asked Elliot curiously when she had hung up.

"Yeah, yeah pretty interesting…" said Olivia with a slow, ponderous delivery, "… that was the Commissioner."

"Of?"

"Of the NFL babe; he wants me to start for the Jets next season."

"There's no need to be snarky."

"He's been speaking to the Chief of D's about me and wants to talk. He said it's urgent…." her face edged in puzzled concern Olivia looked to him and asked, "… is it okay that I said I'd meet him first thing tomorrow?"

"Sure, sure I can take the kids with me to meet the realtor."

"No, no babe you can't but we'll figure….."

"I can take care of my kids Olivia!"

"Call one of the girls?" she asked, knowing just how much he hated to lean on people but also knowing full well he was unable to go out and about with two wayward toddlers while still in his wheelchair. "Indulge me?"

"Okay."

"Thank you."

"Hey, so this meeting….." he tested lightly, as Olivia sat back down while still staring at her phone, "… you got any idea what it might be about?"

"Not a clue, honestly I don't. I mean I guess maybe they want me to be part of this new SVU/Homicide disaster they're working on but I've been very clear that I'm leaving the city."

"You think they wanna try talk you out of it? Offer you a role in the combined unit?"

"Yeah well they know where they can..."

"You never know, they might have a way to transfer you to sex crimes in Chicago."

"El we've talked about this….." in truth she had talked, and he had maintained a brooding silence so as not to further distress her in her grief, "…. I don't want to go back to work."

"Don't close a door, babe….." he asked, leaning over and kissing her cheek lightly, "….just hear them out okay?"

"I'm pretty sure there isn't anything they could say to me tomorrow that I'd be even remotely interested in hearing but I'll sit and listen."

* * *

"Ed Tucker is a self-important asshole."

She had been mistaken. There was indeed something the Commissioner could say that she was very much interesting in hearing.

"He couldn't have been more wrong in the way he handled the situation and you have my sincere apologies that there wasn't a greater show of support in your favour Detective Benson."

"Stabler."

"It would a disgrace, a travesty, a moral failure on the part of the New York Police Department and all those associated with it if we were to allow Manhanttan SVU to become a lost subsidiary, a poor relation of the homicide unit."

"Wow."

"That is my very, very strong conviction and I believe it's yours too."

"Well I….."

"You and your colleagues have built one of the best sex crimes units in this country for which I am unspeakably proud and profoundly grateful."

"Your words are _truly_ kind but…."

"And of which I am also fiercely protective."

"That is reassuring to hear, sir." Said Olivia, choosing her words carefully so as to convey her absolute agreement but withhold any form of personal commitment.

"You don't know this but nine years ago you helped bring the rapist of a thirteen year old girl to justice. She was attacked while walking home from the bus stop one night and it nearly broke her. She was a terrified, traumatized, empty little girl and there was nothing her family, friends, or the detectives working on her case could do to help her. They tried to reach out in every possible way but to no avail. She was lost to them, to everyone. Until one Wednesday morning in April a detective they hadn't met before transferred back from a secondment with computer crimes."

"June Parker."

"She was patient, compassionate, empathetic; and so warm and loving was her demeanour that the light started to come back into the little girl's eyes."

"I remember her."

"You saved my goddaughter's life Olivia."

"I….."

"Her parents spoke with me about the proposed combining of sex crimes with homicide and they asked me, they _beseeched _me to do everything in my power to stop it and to do whatever it took to keep you in New York."

"You have no idea how much I wish I could…. "

"I want a new generation voice for these victims. SVU 2.0 if you like. Something that builds on the foundations Donald Cragen put in place. A unit that maintains the grace, dignity and backbone you have in the face of opposition by the likes of Lieutenant Tucker." Taking a moment, removing his spectacles and folding them slowly the Commisioner spoke with a poised determination, "One headed up by a young captain with heart and compassion, but also with the kind of courage and fortitude required to lead. Tucker called you a bleeding heart as though it was a weakness Olivia, but I have to tell you that both June and I see it as your greatest strength. As SVU's greatest strength."

"With respect, sir, I…."

"There is still healing to be done and nothing will happen overnight I'm aware of that. I also want to make it very clear on behalf of the NYPD as a whole that we do not underestimate the manpower and the resources needed for this transition, this regeneration. You have our word; you have _my_ word that this new unit will finally receive the funding they have been so woefully denied for so many years. Their department budget will equal that of homicide and narcotics."

"You're not serious?" gulped Olivia.

"Oh I've never been more so. For start-up costs alone we have agreed….." reaching for his fountain pen and scrawling a monetary amount on a piece of paper he pushed it across the desk and gestured toward it, "… on this figure."

"But I…" suddenly, inconveniently overwhelmed with emotion Olivia stared watery eyed and choked, "… I'm moving to Chicago."

"I heard a rumour but had hoped that you might be persuaded to reconsider."

"If it wasn't for a personal situation that can't be avoided believe me I would _very much_ like to be a part of what you're proposing but…"

"I don't want you to be a part of it Olivia. I want you to lead it. You are the only person who can combine Don Cragen's legacy with the NYPD's vision for the future. You can bring back the detectives, you can start the healing."

"If I had any choice in the matter I assure you I…."

"With respect, detective, there is always a choice. I want you to choose to help me rebuild your precinct from the ground up. Hire whoever you want. Hell fire, hire your husband for all I care! I'll challenge anyone who objects….." laying his cards boldly on the table the Commissioner added, "…. if that's what it takes to bring you on board."

"That is a very generous offer and….."

"We have a chance here."

"I appreciate that."

"With respect, _you_ have a chance here Detective Benson."

"Stabler."

"I don't care what you call yourself it's who you are that matters to us. You have an opportunity to do what others have only dreamed of, what you yourself have only previously been able to dream of. You hold in your hands the power to not only to be the voice for victims but to amplify that voice. You could make Manhattan the best, the most effective and the most influential special victims' unit in the USA. You can lead a revolution."

"I'm a police detective not Joan of Arc!"

"You're the kind of police detective I will only find once in a career, and this is the kind of offer you will only get once in a lifetime."

"I have heard everything you've said and I am absolutely, wholehearted engaged with your cause but….." had it been five years ago she would've thrown herself, heart and soul, into his proposal but instead Olivia composedly added, "….. I need to speak with my husband."

"Of course, of course absolutely I understand that….. " and then watching her steely eyed determination and a demeanour that oozed compassionate resilience he knew he had not made a mistake in meeting with her, "… just don't take too long, okay?"

* * *

"Imma have this room."

"I-am-going-to-have Mouse….." corrected Elliot as Olivia's desire for Evie to speak correctly rang in his ears, "….what is it?"

"Mine." said Evie, with that devilish twinkle in her eye that told her Daddy she knew just exactly what he meant but she was having none of it.

"This place is awesome Dad, seriously….." nodding with a firm seal of approval Lizzie exhaled, "… wow."

"Dad it sucks so bad that mom is making you do this."

"She isn't Katie, don't say that. Don't think that. This is a choice Olivia and I are making for your brother."

"What about us though?" asked Lizzie with a pang of selfish sadness. "When are we going to get to see you if you're living in Chicago? We've only just got to know Olivia and now you're taking her a million miles away."

"Chicago is in Illinois not Indonesia and I'm not _taking _Olivia anywhere. We talked about it and we decided together."

"Did you though?" challenged Katie, not only able to go deeper and darker than any of her siblings but always the most able to see straight through her father to the man. "I mean you say that this is a choice you're both making but is it? Her whole life is here."

"Hey, hey that is not something it's okay for you to…."

"New York is her home! She won't know a soul in Chicago except you."

"I'm sure Mom will introduce her to Aunty Cora and all our cousins and Grandma and…."

"Oh yeah Lizzie, great, I'm sure that's just what she's always wanted. Being dragged out to the Midwest to get to know her husband's ex-in-laws!"

"Katie wind it in." Demanded Elliot, seeing his daughter's waging war and not wanting Evie and Sam to witness a fight.

"I'm just saying I don't think you've fully thought this one through is all! It makes total sense for Mom, sure it does, but that's because half her family is out there but what about Olivia? They'd hardly be likely to welcome her with open arms even if they _hadn't _always hated you anyway."

"Your mother's family don't hate me!" protested Elliot, suddenly feeling acutely defensive and strangely vulnerable.

"Yeah, yeah no she has a point there actually Dad…." conceded Lizzie with a smirk, "… they pretty much do, especially Aunty Cora."

"Hey, whose side are you on?"

"Did you even ask her?" asked Katie softly. Though they were so often at odds she idolised her father and, despite the pain his actions had caused her mother, she greatly respected the risk he'd taken for Olivia. He doted on her, adored her, was truly besotted with her in a way he never had been with Kathy and in the way she one day hoped a man would be with her. Olivia was so clearly the love of his life it was bitterly disappointing to her that she felt to already know the answer to her question, "Have you even _asked _how she really feels about this? If she even _wants_ to move to Chicago?"

"I…."

"Dad?" challenged Lizzie, hopeful that Katie was wrong.

"I mean of course I have. We've talked about it and she's on board with the idea in fact it was her….."

"But is she on board because she wants to be or because she's afraid of what'll happen if she isn't?" said Katie with a unique ability not only to see the world in its simplest light but to then unflinchingly call a spade a spade. "She's in an impossible situation Dad."

"Katie does have a point….."

"It might be the right thing for Eli to have his parents close by but having you and Olivia rock up in the middle of her fresh start isn't the right thing for mom. And I might not know her all that well but I've overheard stuff over the years and I'm pretty sure that for someone with no family of her own moving away from everything she's ever known isn't the right thing for Olivia."

"Damn, when did you two get so smart?"

"We've always been this smart we just call you out on your shit more often these days."

"Well I guess I deserve it…." smiled Elliot with an accepting nod, "…. and you make some pretty good points girls."

"So guys! Are we ready to sign off on everything? I've spoken to the office and we're ready to go live with the online listing….." breezing in from the driveway where she had been jabbering into her Blackberry for the past half hour the realtor thrust a pen and clipboard in Elliot's direction, "… just as soon as you autograph on the dotted line Mr Stabler."

"Actually you know what….." looking between Lizzie and Kathleen and then into the bedroom Evie had claimed Elliot replied, "….would it be okay if we held off? Just for 24 hours?"

"I thought you and your wife were looking for a quick sale?"

"Just another 24 hours?" not wanting to engage in their personal matters with a stranger Elliot stood firm but flashed her a blue eyed smile, "Please?"

"Of course, of course I'll put a hold on everything until I get the green light."

* * *

"Now?"

"Not quite yet baby, just let me finish mixing in this flour first and then you can put the chocolate chips in. You want some white ones in there or just the brown?" asked Olivia, stirring at their cookie mixture as Eve sat cross legged on the counter top and held her bag of chocolate chunks with eager anticipation.

"Now, momma?" her little eyes were so excited, so engaged, she was hanging off her momma's every word. It was one of those intoxicating moments that made being her mother what Olivia knew she was born to do.

"Yes sweet girl, go ahead and put them in….." she cooed, shaking her head and taking a second to just adore Eve and block everything else out, "…. you want a turn at mixing?"

"Oh yes please!" her whole little body tensed, almost going into spasm with the sheer thrill of the notion. Bolting two sets of fingers around Olivia's hand as it gripped the spoon she began to move it around in the already quite challengingly solid mixture. "Oof! Momma it's tricky!"

"It _is _pretty tricky, isn't it baby girl?" laughing warmly, openly, in the truly most relaxed version of herself Olivia kissed Eve's head and threw a little muscle behind their joined effort.

"Hey, babe can I grab you a second?"

"Will you sit down Elliot!" cried Olivia, starling Eve a little with how quickly she scooped her off the countertop and back onto a chair.

"Momma!"

"Sorry baby, did I make you jump?" she laughed, reassuring Eve and settling her into a task before wandering over to Elliot who was lolling on his crutches and taking more and more steps on his own two feet.

"I'm stronger than ever don't worry about me….." he smiled, pursing his lips for a kiss before pouting when one wasn't forthcoming, "….hey, hey gimme some sugar!"

"Excuse me?" arching an eyebrow Olivia shot him a warning look.

"You have flour on your face."

"We're baking."

"I can see that….." smiled Elliot, watching Eve think no one was watching her pick chocolate chips back out of the cookie mix and eat them, "… although I think your lovely assistant over there is eating your batter."

"Evie!"

"Is so yummy, Momma."

"I promised you can lick the spoon _after _we're done but not before….." admonished Olivia with a kindly tone that held little real scolding, "…. keep mixing, good girl."

"Come _back_ Mommy!"

"Is it urgent?" winced Olivia, finally giving in to a kiss, "Only I've been promising her we'd bake for weeks and she's been so good not nagging."

"Sure, sure I can wait."

"Yeah?" she tested, sensing that there was something in his tensed shoulders that suggested otherwise. "Or if you can make it quick?"

"Okay so I'm gonna ask you a question and you're gonna answer me honestly. No bullshit, no pandering, no saying what you think I want to hear okay?"

"I'm not sure I like where this is….."

"Liv? Please?" he asked simply, finding her eyes and centring them both on what she now understood was going to be a bigger question than what movie they watched that evening.

"Okay." She nodded slowly, searching his face and wondering what she was walking into.

"Do you _want_ to move to Chicago?" he asked, with such complete openness and earnest sincerity on his face she couldn't react quickly enough not to answer the question in her silence.

"I….." she floundered, opening and closing her mouth but never quite managing to form words.

"You wanna have a conversation babe?" propping himself up on one crutch and freeing a hand to reach out and grab one of hers he waited patiently for her to answer truthfully.

"Yeah….." she confessed, giving his hand and squeeze and nodding slowly, "… yeah I do."

"Okay, okay then when you're done baking…" he replid, with a tender smile, "… we'll talk."


	38. I Don't Shine If You Don't Shine

"I just _miss _you."

She whispered, casting teary eyes around the empty cemetery and covering her mouth with a trembling hand. There were so many beautiful bouquets and poetic tributes around his plot but it shamed her that she didn't recognise most of the names. It brought a strange emptiness and regret that there had been so much about the man she hadn't known. Their relationship had been painfully one dimensional at times and she felt robbed of the chance to change that. Her wedding had been the turning point, where he had stopped being just the Captain to her and been simply Cragen. She bitterly wished that she could've grown to know him as Don.

"I'm really trying to picture myself there. I keep reading about preschools for the kids and trying to find houses for us but I don't think my heart is in it. In fact I know it isn't. I want to raise my babies in _your_ house. I want to put a swing in that yard just like you wanted."

Picking the dead heads off a bouquet of roses Olivia's misty gaze settled on the card and she plucked it from the sea of flowers. Bringing it closer she blinked away tears and read the inscription. It was from a David, Jennifer and James Haden. He'd had a son, she smiled. She was truly happy for him.

"I know it's time to move on. I know that. I'm hanging onto the past and I have to let it go. I'm _clinging_ onto the past because I'm struggling to let it go. I'm struggling. It's like the floor went out from under me and I just haven't managed to get back up yet. I try to talk about it, not bottle it up like I know I'm guilty of doing. It just feels like I lost so much more than you and the precinct that night. I think I lost myself."

It was a revelation to her to say it aloud, to truly acknowledge the depth of devastation she had felt since the explosion. It was cathartic, but for as many questions as it answered it asked a million more.

"I know Elliot needs me to go to Chicago but what about what I need? I don't know where the line is. I'm still new at this I guess. Is that what marriage is really about underneath all the lace and silver? Doing the wrong thing for the right reasons? Is that the kind of example I want to set for Evie? For Sam too come to that."

Laughing at how she was now very definitely talking to herself Olivia stuffed David's card back into his flowers and continued her pruning and rearranging.

"But Eli is his son. I mean that's….." shrugging her shoulders and rolling right back around to where she had started Olivia sighed, "…. that's everything, right? We have to go. We have to do this. I mean maybe it won't be forever. Maybe we can just do a few years and then after that talk about coming back to New York."

In all the times she had visited Serena's grave she had never found this comfort, this strange sensation that in some small way she was having a two sided conversation. Perhaps it was that she was finally at home in her own skin, she finally had a tangible family around her. Perhaps it was that her mother had never known her the way Cragen had.

"They made me captain." She choked, sitting back on her heels and finger the frost covered crass with a distracted sadness. "And it's real this time. They're giving me free reign to create the SVU we'd always talked about, dreamed of building. It's everything I never thought possible….." lowering her eyes and allowing her confused disappointment to permeate Olivia sighed, "…..and everything I'm scared to want."

"What do I do Captain?" she asked into the cold, empty silence around her. "What would you tell me to do? I don't want to disappoint you. I can't even begin to imagine stepping into your shoes, it's too much. Or maybe it's just enough? If you were here would you tell me I'm an idiot? Have I lost my mind if I think that in some twisted, messed up way this is the universe letting me right the wrong I was conceived out of? Is it crazy to think that maybe this was where it all was leading from the start? Was this why we fought so damn hard all these years? To get to this place?"

"I'm talking to myself. I know you're not going to answer. I'd just really appreciate some kind of input here, Cap. Throw me a sign or something, would ya?" rolling her eyes and gathering herself up from the ground Olivia gave up. Brushing down her pants she tossed her purse over her shoulder and, with a sighing smile, bid her farewell.

* * *

"I want this one."

"Magic word?"

"Sausages!" sizzled Eve, wriggling in her chair and rubbing her hands together with glee.

"Lello….." leaning out of Elliot's lap Sam wandered chubby fingers through the box of crayons before retrieving his favourite colour and smiling, "… peas."

"Atta boy! You hear that Mouse?" deliberately pitting her brother against her in a long favoured technique Elliot smiled at his daughter, "Your brother knows the _real_ magic word."

"Please may I the blue one?" lips perfectly pursed Eve batted big blue eyes and didn't move a muscle, reading every line on her father's face and so desperately seeking his approval. "Please Daddy?"

"Good girl….." reaching out a hand Elliot pinched the apple of her cheek and asked, "….and that is an awesome, awesome drawing you're doing there. Your Mom is gonna love it."

"Can I feel my ears burning?"

"Momma!" though Eve was deeply engrossed in the task at hand and barely noted her mother's arrival Sam's face lit up and his arms flew up so dramatically that Elliot's chin received a firm thwack.

"Oh wow, son….." he laughed loudly, as Olivia wandered over and obliged Sam with cuddles, "… that's a serious right hook you've got there."

"Evie that is a _fantastic _picture….." planting Sam on her hip Olivia wandered around the other side of the table and gushed, "….wow, that is so, so good baby girl. Well done!"

"Hey, hey come here….." beckoning Olivia back Elliot stroked lightly at her forearm as it tucked under Sam's diaper and asked, "… how you doing?"

"I'm fine."

"I know when you're fine and when you're not fine Liv and…." with a sad sigh he acknowledged, "… and you're not fine."

"I guess I've been thinking about that offer a little."

"A little or a lot?" asked Elliot, "Where's your head at with it?"

"We need to do this more…." she deflected, draping her free arm around him and giving his shoulders a squeeze, "… hang out just the four of us."

"We can do that."

"You know I think I'm gonna call Fin and tell him we'll just see him Christmas Eve. He'll be tired anyway from his trip and I think I just wanna stay home tonight…" hesitating a moment she added, "… that okay with you?"

"Sure, sure of course….." he nodded, realising that no matter what their decision on the future as going to be they needed to reach it soon for Olivia's sake, "… you go hang out with him and put your feet up. Mouse and I will fix dinner."

"El I won't keep telling you that you're not supposed to stand for longer than…."

"Please don't mother me, babe?"

"Okay, okay I'm sorry….." reluctantly taking her hands from the wheel Olivia kissed his head, but unable to resist added, "….just keep taking breaks at least? For my sanity?"

"What sanity?" he teased, before quickly clarify "Regular breaks, got it."

* * *

"I love my son Kath."

"I spoke to Katie….." confessed Kathy, rubbing her tired face and feeling to have aged at least a decade in the past two years, "…. and I know just how badly this is tearing you apart El. I am so sorry for that."

"It's an impossible choice."

"I know."

"You're making me choose between my children."

"I…."

"You know when you told me you were pregnant again I wasn't sure we could handle it. Whether we could admit it yet or not, our marriage wasn't in a good place and all the other kids were grown. That chapter of our life was over."

"Believe me it was every bit as much as a shock to me! I had forgotten how truly brutal it is when they're tiny. All those sleepless nights, always feeling exhausted and cranky and like I was about to spiral into some kind of mental breakdown at any minute was no fun at all. I'm so glad Eli is in school now and we're done raising babies."

"But I'm not over all that, Kath. I'm not done raising babies. Mouse, she's growing fast but she's still so little really and Sam hasn't even had a birthday yet. Liv is a trooper, she really is but she's a new mom. She's not a war vet like you and me, and she's amazing with the kids but she needs her support system. Fin has been there since Evie was born and he and Alex are so important to her."

"I guess sometimes I forget this is her first rodeo."

"This city is home to her in a way that not even I will ever be able to understand. She might not say it, she might not even know it but these streets and buildings are the familiarity and the stability that ground her. They're the only thing that's she's ever been able to rely on."

"Until you."

"Liv needs New York, and after everything she's lost…" shrugging with the deep heart of the matter Elliot sighed, "….and I can't take it away from her."

"I don't know what to say."

"Don't do that to me Kath. Don't give me that look. This is an impossible situation for me and you know I'd move mountains for my kids. Every one of them. It breaks my heart to think that I won't be there for Eli the way I'd like but it is what it is. You are doing what you have to do and I'm just doing the same."

"You know what Elliot Stabler this might be the first time in over twenty years that you've managed to surprise me."

"Look I know you're probably mad but…."

"I'm not mad."

"Olivia has had no part in this believe me. She's packing her bags and Googling pre-schools in Chicago right now."

"I don't doubt it."

"So?" he often accepted confusion when conversing with the woman in his life but this was truly perplexing. He had come expecting and fight and yet strangely despite their back and forth it seemed like he and Kathy were on the same page for the first time in what must have been over a decade.

"Olivia's dedication to you doesn't shock me in the slightest. She's every bit as much in love with you as I was. What I can't get over is you El. You're making a decision entirely based on her happiness. You've fully thought through every implication of allowing Olivia to follow you to Chicago and decided it's too much to ask. You found the line."

"I never managed to do that with you, huh?" realised Elliot, remembering all the times sacrifice and compromise in their marriage had been decidedly off balance.

"What you're doing to yourself for her is brutal but it's also pretty incredible. I promise I'll do whatever I can to make this easier on all of us."

"We're gonna need a military style plan Kath. I still want my weekends when I can, vacation time, spring break. I want as much contact with that boy as we can _possibly_ manage."

"I want that too."

"Well okay then."

"You were always a good man Elliot….." tearing up Kathy's voice broke as she nobly acknowledged, "… but with her you might just turn out to be a _great_ one."

* * *

"Hello? El?" rapping lightly on the door of the house Cragen had gifted her Olivia pushed her way inside and called again, "Babe your message was kind of cryptic, what's going on?"

"In the living room."

"I don't know which one that is….." she laughed, a little nervous suddenly as she wandered down the wood floored corridor removing her jacket, "…. hello?"

"Hi….." grinned Elliot, leaning on his crutches over a plastic table filled with takeout boxes and a bottle of wine.

"Okay what is happening here?" she asked slowly, disbelieving as he lit a cluster of tea light candles and continued to smile enigmatically at her. "Where are the kids?"

"With Alex."

"So…."

"Olivia I apologise."

"What did you do?" she asked, first sarcastic and then a little alarmed.

"I apologise to you that at no point in during all of this did I say the one thing I should've lead with…" splashing wine into two glasses he handed one to her, then raising his toasted, "…. congratulations Captain Stabler."

"Babe…." she melted, clinking his glass and taking a sip before dropping her voice to a husky murmur, "… thank you but?"

"I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've talked to Kathy. We can do this. I can do this, for you, for our family. I can figure out a way to be in Eli's life without having to leave New York."

"El you don't have to do that."

"I know I don't."

"But…."

"Liv do you want to go to Chicago?"

"I….." seeing in his eyes that he already knew her answer she shook her head from one side to the other and choked, "…. no."

"Do you want to stay here?"

"Yes.

"Do you want to be captain of Manhattan SVU and raise your kids in this awesome house that Cragen gave you?"

"Are you serious?" she tested, reaching a hand to her chest and holding it over her heart that was threatening to beat its escape, "Can we really do this?"

"I think we should try….." and then holding her eyes he asked, "… do you?"

"Oh Elliot!" she cried tearfully, and in an uncharacteristically impassioned display thumped her glass down on the table and threw her arms around his neck.

"Hey, hey come here I've got something to show you…." struggling but determined he walked under his own steam, without her support, to the window and gestured for her to follow, "…. come see?"

"I'm still in shock I think." She confessed, joining him at the window unable to take her eyes off him. "I can't believe we might actually get to live in this house."

"Not _might_, babe….." he corrected, nodding out of the window and encouraging her to look out into the yard, "… check it out."

"A rope swing." she choked, watching the tyre swinging back and forth in the breeze from the low hanging tree branch in the corner of what was now her garden. "El…." she whispered, shaking her head back and forth and just staring for a moment before startling herself back to reality with a crashing fear, "….tell me you didn't put that thing up there by yourself?"

"What you think I can't take my own weight but I can scale a tree?" he teased with a smirk, "Nah, nah Dickie came over."

"I don't think I'm thinking at all right now….." she confessed, staring at him a moment before asking softly, "….are you _sure _though El? Eli's your son."

"I know."

"I just….."

"Believe me Liv this decision didn't come easy. I went around in circles for days but Kath and I are both agreed that just as much as she needs to go I need to stay here. We're gonna give it a year and after that if we don't feel like I'm managing to be there as much as I need to for Eli then we'll….." realising that though he and Kathy had devised a to the letter plan for Eli's care there were still giant details unresolved, "… well then we'll just have to persuade her to come home won't we?"

"This is really gonna be our house?" and when he simply grinned and nodded in reply she flashed him the kind of beaming smile he wished he could keep permanently alight on her face. "This is gonna be our house."

"Liv it's all been hell for too long. I'm not saying we're done hurting or this is everything perfect but its zero hour. Right here, right now, this is when things start to get better again I promise."

"What about SVU?" she asked suddenly, realising that there was more to the decision to stay than just the house. "That offer is still on the table. Should I accept?"

"Do you want to accept?"

"It's a lot of work. Long hours, late nights, dropping everything to go into the precinct. Can we commit to that? I mean you're doing amazingly but you're still rehabbing and what about your job?"

"Never mind about my job this isn't about me."

"Elliot…"

"We don't know how long, if ever, they'll sign me off for active duty again and even if they did I'm not so sure it's a good idea having both of us on the job anymore anyway."

"You're thinking about leaving the force?"

"Take the job babe."

"Yeah?" she tested, her head and heart so full she could barely form thoughts let alone words.

"Yeah….." he nodded, leaning down and kissing her tenderly to seal the deal.

"There sweet and sour prawns in one of those boxes?" she asked, pulling away and stealing one more kiss as he laughingly answered.

"I value my life so yeah, yeah there are."

"El I don't even know how to begin to thank you for all this. I don't underestimate how….."

"I know you don't….." he cut in, neither needing nor wanting her to feel indebted to him for a choice he had made freely, "…. now shut up and eat your prawns."


	39. I Built My Life Around You

"Come on Mouse give us a smile!"

"He's a scary Santa!"

"Oh ho, ho, ho little girl I'm not scary I'm your friend…" where other mothers would have been flushed and embarrassed at the unimpressed, deeply suspicious look on Eve's little face Olivia couldn't have been more proud, "….and I'm going to give you a present."

"Seriously? She couldn't just grab the gift, shoot me a smile and move on like Sam did?" muttered Elliot, still brandishing his cell phone in the hope of capturing the now decidedly less saccharine Christmas memory.

"I love it."

"You're enjoying this?" he asked, a little baffled by Olivia's smug smile.

"My daughter hesitating before taking gifts from an overly friendly old man she doesn't know?" she smirked with satisfaction, "Heck yeah I'm chalking that up as a win."

"Liv!" though he too had the same cop instincts when it came to certain situations regarding their children this was not one of them, "He's _Santa _for God's sake! We're stood right here. I haven't taken my eyes off her for a second and I_ know_ you haven't!"

"He's Barney Lubowitz who has two Class 4's for petty theft and public intoxication."

"You ran a background check on Santa?"

"No." Said Olivia with flat denial as Elliot stared at her with a tangled mix of pride and disbelief. "

"Olivia!"

"Don't scold me….." she protested lightly, giving him fair warning that he was walking a thin line and she was not to be mocked for her caution, "…. that's my baby Barney has on his sweaty lap."

"Okay look I get it and you know I do. God knows you've had to rein me in enough times over the years but…" reaching a hand to the small of her back he supportively, but determinedly, made his case, "….we have no reason to believe Barney isn't kosher. I think you might be a little in your head on this one."

"Aren't you?" she asked, genuinely wondering whether he tortured himself with possibilities the way she did. "I mean when you think through the concept of letting some random guy dress up as a character kids idolise and then having them all line up to snuggle him is more than a little bizarre."

"Yeah but….."

"We're never going to be those parents. We're never going to take that call….." and then because she was still a rational police officer as well as a mistrustful mother she added, "… or at least if we do it won't be because we dropped our guard."

"Doing our job and being a parent? It's a special kind of masochism but you gotta control the fear or it'll drive you crazy…" attempting to remain sensitive to her fears while attempting to stop them controlling her he added warmly, "…. and it'll stop you enjoying being a mom."

"El I'm sorry, okay…" reaching to his coat she fussed at its lapels and then lay her gloved hand on his chest and met his eyes with profound sincerity, "… for all the times I acted like you were hysterical about your kids."

"I will protect your babies Liv….." he vowed, kissing her with one eye always roaming back over to the grotto where Eve was delighting a new legion of fans, "….to the death."

"I know you will…." she smiled, reaching for his hand at her waist and holding it fast.

"Momma look! The old man gave me a doll!"

"Old man?" choked Elliot, shooting Olivia a smile and leaning down from his crutches to talk to an excitable Eve, "Mouse that's Santa!"

"No it isn't." Said Eve who, though grateful for her present, was wholly convinced that the man in Macy's was not her Santa Claus.

"Baby he's….."

"Daddy he's stinky…" insisted Eve, her little face bearing frown lines of adamant conviction, "…. he's playing dress up, silly!"

"Wow."

"Can we go feed the duckies now?" came the cheery chirrup, as Eve clutched her new toy bright eyed and unaffected.

"Absolutely baby girl, let's go…." putting Sam's stroller into reverse and navigating her way from the scene Olivia caught Elliot giving her a look, "… what? What's the face for?"

"You know."

"I'm sure I don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about." She simpered, holding out a hand and beckoning Eve back close.

"Yeah right you don't….." grinned Elliot, watching Eve's hand slip like a key in a lock into her mother's, "…. you and your Little Livvy."

"Hmm…." and a satisfied smile was all he got in response, but it said everything.

* * *

"He's just so erudite."

"Erudite?" queried Olivia, not for want of a definition, but a bewilderment at Lizzie's use of it to describe her latest flame.

"He's an artist; he makes sculptures that reflect the consumerist hedonism of modern New York. I think he's a full on pacifist and he's super involved in Greenpeace and he's gives up so much of his time to all these other great causes too. It's actually pretty inspiring. Oh and he's a vegan, of course…" prattled Lizzie, having regained her youthful stride on emerging from her previous relationship, "….. and I am too now."

"Oh great….." successfully injecting sincerity into her voice Olivia had to mask a smile, realising that the more she heard the more Elliot would probably have preferred her dating the married guy, "…. he sounds really interesting."

"Dad will hate him."

"I _was _wondering….." confessed Olivia, as the two shared a fondly knowing smirk, "….the pacifist, vegan meeting the ex-Marine who eats treats steak as a staple food group is gonna be a _scream_ kid."

"You'll play backup though right?" tested Lizzie hopefully. "You think you can stop him….." hesitating a moment so as not to sell her father short Lizzie saw no other option but to laugh honestly, "….well, you know, being Dad?"

"I'm fairly sure I can't do that….." replied Olivia, shooting Elliot a loving glance as he played on the carpet with the little ones, "… but I've had a fair amount of practice being his handler so give me a heads up and I'll try be your wing woman."

"Thanks…" said Lizzie, with a beaming smile of appreciation for everything Olivia had done and everything she had come to trust she would do if asked in the future, "…. I think I'll still wait a while yet though before I brave introductions."

"But you really like him?"

"He's 23….." and then meeting her step-mother's eyes and falling into them with just how deeply Olivia understood her situation Lizzie added, "….and I don't have to share him."

"I'm proud of you…." said Olivia, reaching out and giving her wrist a light squeeze, "…..even though I know it hurt, you did the right thing."

"Martin didn't love me he just loved hanging out with someone who made him feel 21 again. With anyone who wasn't his grouchy old wife I think!"

"Hey!" and both ladies laughed as Olivia pointed out, "I've got a couple of years on that _old wife_ you know."

"Yeah but you're gorgeous….." was the simple, staggering statement that was delivered with profound candour and blew Olivia away.

"You're alright I'm not really sensitive about my age." Not anymore she wasn't, thought Olivia privately, not now she had two beautiful children."

"You know I can't pretend it doesn't suck that my mom and dad split, but it's kinda funny when I think about it….." shrugging casually Lizzie unknowingly touched her Olivia's heart in the deepest possible way, "…. how I can't remember you ever not being part of our family."

"Oh Lizzie…."

"You and the babies….." rendering Olivia speechless and teary eyed Lizzie laughed nervously, "… even if they _are _a real handful!"

"Livia look it's a monster!"

"That is a really _scary _ monster isn't it Eli, sweetie?" ruffling the little boys hair and inviting him up onto her lap Olivia studied his toy with him. "What do we call him?"

"Basher!" emphasising his point by smashing the green toy against his knees Eli grinned with an impish flash of teeth.

"That is a pretty good name for this guy I reckon."

"Mama no….." popping up seemingly out of nowhere Sam, wearing only his diaper and a frown, entered the scene and pushed frustrated at his half-brother's back, "… no!"

"Baby don't push, that's a good boy. Eli was just showing me his new monster toy do you want to come play with us? I'm sure he wouldn't mind if…."

"No!" mildly panicked Sam shoved a little harder, grabbing at his mother's arm and attempting to push the foreign body from his rightful place on her lap. "My Mama!"

"Sammy!" running directly into her brother and toppling him to the ground Eve smothered his whole body with her new princess costume.

"Eee-vee!" came a distress call from beneath the multiple pink skirt layers as Sam attempted to surface and landed a retaliatory thwack against his sister's arm.

"Okay, okay I think you both need to take a time out here because….."

"MINE!" frantic now Sam launched himself at Olivia, intercepted by Eve who with perfect poise delivered her priceless advice.

"No Sammy! Stop it! That's bad….." holding him a little too tightly with determined little hands she gripped her brother's shoulders and informed him, "….it's nice to share Mommy."

"Liv?" called Elliot from the carpet a few feet away.

"I know…" she acknowledged, reaching out and scooping Eve under the arms, dragging her in for kisses and cuddles, "…. you're Momma's big girl aren't you?"

"I did good?" asked Eve, blue saucers gazing up at her mother and drinking in the praise and attention.

"You did _so good _teaching your brother how to share, you're my smart girl aren't you?"

"You wanna play with my new monsters Sam?" asked Eli, offering up his toy to Sam who hesitated a moment before gratefully accepting.

"Have fun boys….." helping Eve up onto her lap Olivia watched with a bittersweet joy as Eli took Sam's hand and lead him off to play. They were just two little boys, two brothers, who had no idea of the circus performing around them and knew only that they both liked monsters and they both called the same man Dad.

"Momma?"

"Yes baby girl?" murmured Olivia softly, playing tenderly with Eve's increasing thick dark hair and pressing a kiss against it as she prepared to answer one of life's great questions for her daughter.

"I have to poop."

* * *

"You're quiet."

"I'm the only one that is!" smiling fondly Olivia couldn't help but be fond of Elliot's grouchy streak. Their Christmas had been chaotic to say the least and now, like all long suffering fathers, he was taking a moment of quiet reflection and much needed peace.

"I think we did good you know. The kids all seem to love their gifts….." taking a perch on the edge of the arm chair Elliot sat in, it wasn't long before he had transferred her into his lap, "…. and Sam is going to take off running around flying that airplane."

"He really does love the plane, huh?" grinned Elliot, having dedicated extra time to finding his son's first Christmas gift. Sam had been instantly captivated by the toy and had spent the rest of the day driving his siblings to distraction as it took off from various locations around the modest sized apartment.

"You just tired or?" asked Olivia, stroking at the back of his head with gentle swirling fingers.

"This might be the last Christmas I have them all together." And as soon as he said it she cursed herself that she hadn't realised it sooner. It would be so much harder for Kathy to drop Eli off after lunch from Chicago.

"Not necessarily babe, we can talk about options for all the holidays."

"Thank you, for saying that…." his tone held some reserve, as though he wasn't entirely convinced. It wasn't that he wasn't entirely convinced of her willingness to bend, but of the logistical possibilities of raising a son who lived several states away.

"You know in case you haven't noticed I haven't given a gift to _you_ yet."

"You are a gift to me."

"El…." she whispered, leaning down and kissing him because though so often he was a raging bull it was the rare moments in which he was an unlikely poet that took her breath away.

"Okay I'm adorable but not that adorable, you got me a present?" he grinned, losing his melancholy to the loving brown eyes and laughter lines around her eyes.

"Here…. " she smiled, producing an envelope he hadn't noticed in her hand until it was presented to him. "…. happy Christmas, babe."

"Season tickets?" he half gasped, half choked, hoicking himself up in the chair and snaking an arm around her waist to drag her close. "Wait, for the Cubs? We hate the Cubs!"

"But we love Eli." Countered Olivia quickly, waiting for his eyes before giving her full explanation. "This isn't just the tickets, El. This is me promising you that we will _always_ find the money for the flights, we will _always_ save up the vacation time to make the trip, and I will move heaven and heart to make sure Eli is sick if hanging out with his old man."

"We gonna have to get the kids Cubs kits? Get a little red and blue action going?"

"Hell no they're Yankee blue all the way." Spoke the impassioned voice of a true New Yorker.

"Just checking….." laughed Elliot, his hand lingering just a little lower than her waist as she continued to take his breath away in all kinds of ways, "….your support on this means everything, you know that right?"

"And you know just how much it means to me that we get to stay in New York. There are no words. I don't underestimate how hard this is for you and I won't forget it…."

"So what you're saying really is that you owe me?" he asked with a smirk, grabbing at her backside playfully. "Because I gotta tell you my wife looks smokin' hot today and I think I might have to call in a little of that debt later on."

"You haven't seen the other half of your present yet."

"There's more?"

"I would say probably _less _rather than more….." she teased with a flash of devil in her eyes.

"Lacy?" he asked, because nothing showcased her tan curves quite like a little Victoria's Secret detailing.

"A festive red lace….." she teased, leaning down to kiss his cheek and just close enough for him to catch the scent of perfume on her neck she knew he couldn't resist. Murmuring huskily into his ear she continued to tantalise, "….and in no way appropriate for you to unwrap in front of your kids."

"So I just unwrap you?" he grinned, crushing his lips on hers and kissing her hungrily. "Like, say, right now."

"No!" muting her squeal with a kiss Elliot reluctantly put his roaming hands into retreat, "Paws off!"

"Okay so if I tell you something you have to promise not to get mad?"

"When have you ever known me to make a promise we both know I can't keep?"

"I can make it from this chair to the fridge and back without crutches."

"How do you know that?" she shot back quickly, not missing a beat and eyeing the bottle beside him, "You got that beer for yourself didn't you?"

"I want my lawyer."

"Elliot!"

"I have a right to legal counsel!"

"Shut _up_ you idiot!"

"Are you really gonna rain on my parade by being mad? Can we not just focus on the fact that I can walk however many feet that is without the pity parade helping me?"

"Your pity parade? Are you serious?"

"You know I can't stand being helpless."

"Oh you were never helpless, babe…." she chuckled sardonically, recalling how he had fought and haggled every long suffering nurse, doctor and physiotherapist he'd encountered.

"Red _and_ lacy?" sneaking his hand down the back of her jeans he ran his hand along the silk lace of her panties.

"Get off me!"

"Silk too?" raising his eyebrows with fire eyes Elliot tried his luck.

"I'm not playing with the kids in the room."

"They're not listening."

"Get your hand out of my pants or I will hurt you."

"You're already killin' me….." he groaned as she fished him from her jeans.

* * *

"Yeah.

"Fin?"

"What?"

"You're a million miles away today….. " said Olivia after a brief period of silence in which she put herself aside a moment, and took a long, hard look at her friend, "… everything okay?"

"I'm all good, I'm just tired or something."

"Well it's been a hell of a few weeks but…." nervous to continue, but even more so not to Olivia added softly, "… but I can't help but feel that whatever is going on for you is maybe even bigger than the 1-6."

"You've got a pretty sweet parade going here, cheekbones. I ain't gonna rain on it." Slicing the tension with that lazy, lopsided smile she loved so dearly Fin shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and took a turn about the room. Ignoring her loaded silence he muttered pleasantries and compliments on the open plan living room and the way the large windows allowed a lot of light into the kitchen.

"Fin….."

"This is your moment I don't wanna….." he needed her, more than he knew, more than he cared to admit and more than he wanted to, "…. this is your moment."

"Will you stop being so ridiculous and talk to me please?" demanded Olivia, caring little for her moment or a parade of any kind if he wasn't walking in it with her.

"I guess I've had a lot of time to think lately. Chewing things over, you know?" he began slowly, the bobbin unwinding with an uneasy and tentative caution. "I think meeting Georgia kinda stuck a rocket up everything I'd figured out already. Made it too real to run from anymore."

"Fin what are saying?"

"Peach is dead, she ain't ever coming back and I miss her. I miss her in so many ways but that ain't the problem. It would never have worked between me and her. We were just something that happened to each other. Now she's not even here anymore."

"Oh Fin no that's….."

"Ken and Alejandro are busy living their lives, Melinda is gone, Munch is talking about retiring again only this time I believe him. I really don't think he'll come back."

"I know…" sighed Olivia sadly, having drawn the same conclusions from the most recent conversations she had had with John, "….he spoke to me about that too."

"And I'm standing here in this kick ass house of Cragen's where you're gonna raise your babies with that asshole that loves the crap out of you and I'm trying so damn hard to just be happy for Liv I swear to God….."

"Fin are you crying?" her words were ridiculous, her whole body felt suddenly so. Awkward, lightly shaking, she crossed the room and pouring over her watery eyed friend she moved her mouth wordlessly. "My God what….."

"I'm not happy."

"I…" he couldn't cry, it wasn't allowed. He was Fin. He was the rock on which she'd built her life as she knew it. He was the solid ground in which she laid anchor. He was this giant, bear like figure of unassailable stability and it shook her to the very core to see him fragile.

"It isn't even that someone blew up the SVU that was just the final… it's more than that…" shrugging his shoulders and deliberately refusing to let her touch him Fin fixed his eyes on the floor awkwardly and muttered, "…. life just….. moved on….. and I'm standing here like a fucking idiot."

"That isn't true, that just is _not_ true and….."

"When Marge Cragen never came back from Orlando his life ended."

"Where did _that _come from?" asked Olivia, a little horrified at the slicing edges of his statement.

"Cragen spent the rest of his life treading water and trying to drink away the life he _could've_ had. Nearly every single person who showed up at that funeral was in uniform and that ain't no coincidence. He had no clue who the hell he was outside that precinct. He was just a lost, lonely old man paying girls for company."

"Don't you dare talk about him like that Fin….." warned Olivia with a hot tongue and icy eyes, "…. not ever and _especially_ not to me."

"Liv those few month it was just you, me and baby girl?" never in the entire course of their friendship had he been so brutally honest with her, so truly raw, and it was as beautiful as it was terrifying, "They were the best of my whole damn life."

"And I will _never _forget what you did for us but I don't understand what you're….."

"I'm leaving, cheekbones."

"No you're not."

"Ain't nothin' to keep me here anymore. At least not right now."

"You're an idiot for scaring me like this Fin and I swear to God I….."

"I got a brand new Harley and an unpaid sabbatical cleared by the brass."

"You're serious….." falling back a little against the window frame Olivia took a perch, her legs feeling suddenly less than reliable, "… you're really gonna go through with this crazy idea? How can you just throw away your whole life here on some mid-life crisis?"

"Way to be a patronising little bitch."

"Hey!" she smarted, no matter how true the notion may have been she was far from ready to allow her to speak to her in such a way.

"This really about me throwing my life away or about how it changes yours?"

"I….."

"You really give a damn or you just nervous how you gonna play Captain without your free babysitting service?"

"Screw you!" scoffed Olivia, shaking her head running her fingers around her mouth the way she always did when she was flustered and frustrated. He watched her trying to regain composure and deliberately pushed her further into retreat.

"I walked you through nine months of hell and listened to your snivelling ass whine on about how you didn't have a damn clue what to do with baby girl when she finally showed up. I was there for shit Stabler can't even imagine. I know things about you he won't ever understand. I helped you nurse that kid, I sat up with you all night, I freakin' _carried _you when….."

"And I loved you for all of it! I still do!"

"Ach…."

"Does this make you feel better? Is this somehow helpful for you? To use the moments in my life I was at my most vulnerable as ammunition in a fight?" feeling suddenly every bit as exposed as she had those very early days when Eve was just a tiny new born and she a petrified first time mother.

"That isn't what I…."

"Yes you saw those things, yes you were right there, and I couldn't have done it without you. I was so unbelievably grateful that when I was so terrified and lonely and overwhelmed you took care of me and my daughter but what I don't understand is why you're punishing me for that now?"

"I can't talk about this anymore…."

"Oh the hell you can't! Get back here _right now_ because we are so very far from done with this conversation."

"You're the best friend I ever had Olivia."

"And you are…."

"Standing here like a fucking idiot."

"I…."

"I'm not in love with you. I don't wanna bang you if that's what you think this is." He was never this cruel, and that he was using it as a defensive mechanism only worried her more.

"I know that there was a moment where you maybe thought….."

"The moment passed, not what I'm talking about."

"Okay."

"I got too close."

"No, no you…."

"Can we be real? Can I be more real with you right now than I'm entirely comfortable with?"

"Of course."

"Superbowl Sunday two years ago."

"Two years ago? When Evie was newborn?"

"You fell asleep during the game so we put the highlights on when baby girl woke for her two o'clock snack. I came into Ken's room to watch and fed you Cheetos while you nursed baby girl in my arms. You were wearing my sweat pants and hoodie and while you watched the Ravens kick ass I just watched Evie. Watched her little hand wrapped around mine and listened to her snuffle like a little pig with her button nose all pressed against you. I love that kid like she's my own. I love you like we're blood. I ain't ever been that close to a person….." she was crying now, heavy, raindrop tears streaming down her cheeks as he met her eyes and confided, "…. not in my whole life."

"I am so, so sorry I….."

"Ain't nothin' to be sorry for: just is what it is."

"But…."

"You're his wife now, she's his daughter and he takes care of you both. You got the family you always wanted."

"You are my family too….." she spoke slowly, pronouncing each word as her bond, "… you are my **family** Fin and nothing will change that. Not me marrying Elliot and not you leaving New York."

"It'll kill me to leave baby girl."

"So **don't** leave her….." and then with words so strained, so loaded, so painfully raw Olivia croaked, "… don't leave me?"

"I love those kids, both of them but especially my girl."

"Her first memories of a man, of a father, being good and strong and gentle and kind and **safe**….." reaching deep down inside of herself and giving him the hardest gift of all, but the most heartrendingly precious Olivia whispered tearfully, "… they won't be of Elliot."

"You can't ever tell him that."

"How long will you be gone?"

"As long as it takes."

"Can I call you?" and then thinking better of her wording Olivia edited herself, "Will you call me? So I know you're not dead in a ditch somewhere in Nebraska?"

"What the hell am I doing in Nebraska?"

"I don't know I just….." laughing, crying, fighting for breath Olivia lost her grip and dissolved entirely when he pulled her into his arms, "….promise me you'll take care? Promise me you'll look after yourself?"

"We've come a long way me and you Cheekbones…" twisting his head and pressing a firm, forever kiss against her salty wet cheek Fin muttered gruffly, "…. kick ass and rebuild the shit out of the 1-6 for me, okay?"

"Don't ever change…" hugging him tight she murmured, "….don't you ever change."

"Old dogs and new tricks….." he grinned, pulling away and proffering a curt nod, "…. don't you worry about that."

"When do you leave?"

"Dawn"

"So you meeting me here it was….."

"Goodbye."

"How the hell am I gonna do it all without you?" she gasped, dropping her hands to her side and shrugging helplessly.

"You already are Liv…." and that was exactly the point, they both realised. It was he who needed to find his way without her.

"I will _miss _you Fin."

"You've got a crazy ass husband, two toddlers and a NYPD precinct to run. You won't have _time_ to notice I'm not there Captain Stabler."

"I will always notice when you're not there."

And with one last hug and no more words, the two said their silent, loath farewells as she cried and he made an indefinite exit from her life.


	40. Lay Your Wreath At The Altar Of Change

**_I know, I know, I know, I didn't give you warning that we were coming to this…. but it's the last chapter of this 'book' you're about to read. I have been thinking long and hard about the plot, these characters I've built, and where their lives are going to go next for a good while now and I've made some decisions. I know exactly where their headed…. and if you'd all like to come along for the ride their fates are going to be revealed in a third and final instalment of this story._**

**_We had 'Yours' and then 'Mine' and I can now reveal there will shortly be a 'Ours' – I do so hope all you wonderful, loyal and responsive readers will join me there!_**

**_Spoiler Alert: It's a good few years down the line and Evie Stabler is sweet 16 ;)_**

**_THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for all your support thus far, you're my muse!_**

* * *

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Like on a scale of one to chugging vodka on the sly?" murmured Elliot, lying in the evening gloaming with Olivia on his chest.

"I hate you so much sometimes…." she groaned, her body warm against his as a reminder she that in truth she could never even come close to hating him even if she wanted to.

"Seriously though, the way Fin just upped and left like that?"

"It wasn't so much of a shock."

"No?" he asked softly, stroking at her upper arm with his fingertips as he held her. These rare moments when it was just the two of them, skin on skin, were his gravity.

"His relationship with Amanda might not have been the healthiest thing he ever got himself into but he _was_ in it. He was so far in it he can't even see straight any more. He just needs to get away and figure it all out. What her dying means, whatever the hell it is that he has going with Melinda Warner and how he fits into….."

"Into what?" asked Elliot, when no end to the sentence was forthcoming.

"It's not easy for him….." wandering around the heart of the matter Olivia took a moment before venturing, "….letting go of how things used to be."

"Between the two of you, you mean?"

"I'll miss him but I'm fine..." sweepingly dismissing the entire topic of conversation Olivia turned her face into his chest and kissed it twice, "….let's talk about something else."

"I can handle it you know…" said Elliot quietly, carefully, choosing his words, "… that he was there for you when I wasn't."

"El…." she soothed, stroking at the familiarity of the crucifix on his bicep and murmuring, "… we don't have to go there."

"But that's what I'm saying. I don't care. I mean I don't mind. I can go there. I can acknowledge everything he did for you and Mouse and how this is a tough situation for him. You two got close, really close, and for him nothing changed."

"But for me everything did…" no less concerned for Fin but unable to resist a smile Olivia rolled onto her stomach and gazed lovingly at him. Reaching an arm over him she soaked in her reality, blissfully thankful beyond words that she was lying naked in Elliot Stabler's arms. He was her husband; she was his wife, and their being that way for the rest of her life was no longer a question mark but a certainty.

"You mean 'cos I figured out I was losing the best thing I ever had?" he grinned, arching an eyebrow and stroking at her bare back possessively.

"I gotta let him go….." sighed Olivia with a sad acceptance, "… the way he let me go, to be with you."

"Doesn't mean you have to be happy about it."

"I know."

"You can be sad, you can miss him…" playing mindlessly with her hair Elliot smiled empathetically, "… that's cool."

"It feels like everything is ending."

"Does it?" he asked, genuinely not feeling the same way. "Only I kinda thought things were just starting. We get to move into our big, fancy new house in a few weeks."

"And I'm excited, I am I just…." then, catching herself in melancholy she shimmied a little further up the bed until she was close enough to kiss him, "…. I love you."

"Yeah?"

"El he has to go, he has to go figure out his life because however close he and I are it will never be this. He'll never be you. He's the best friend I could ask for and I love him, I do, but you have to know that I was miserable that whole time. Every single day of nine long months, when Evie was born and all the time Fin was looking after me afterwards….." closing her eyes with the intensity of the memory Olivia rasped, "….all I wanted so _desperately _was you."

"Well you got me now, babe." Sealing the statement with a kiss he encircled her with his arm and pinned her close to him.

"We're going to be okay, you and me." It was the first time he had heard her speak with such unequivocal confidence in them as a couple, and he could see in her eyes that she was no longer afraid of losing him.

"Course we are."

"You know I really think I can do this Elliot. Raise our kids and be captain of that unit and paint our new kitchen with Italian Terracotta #241."

"I don't think you can….." he smiled assuredly, "… I know it."

"I got Nick on board and I'll keep chipping away at Munch until he agrees to work with me."

"He's a better man than me if he can resist your charms."

"Now if only I could find a career detective who knows special victims like the back of his hand and has a vested interest in keeping his captain happy…"

"Would that be because he happens to be married to her?" with a wry smile Elliot arched a brow.

"The brass green lit me hiring you so once you're signed off as fit for….."

"Don't push, babe."

"I'm just saying that the job is there if you want it."

"Noted…" he said, shutting down her persuasive line because he knew if he let her continue he would lose his will to resist, "… thank you."

"I guess maybe we're both right…" she decided with a musing sigh, "… maybe it's an ending and a beginning."

"I guess so."

"Cragen and Rollins are gone. Warner and Fin are moving on."

"But it's Sunday morning in New York City, baby….." smiled Elliot, with a rush of warmth as he reached a hand to her face and stroked her soft cheek lovingly, "…. and life goes on."

"You know we don't have any real reason to get up just yet and I don't hear the kids….." twisting the corners of her mouth suggestively Olivia allowed her hand to travel the length of his torso heading south.

"Wanna fool around?"


End file.
